hugs

It worked!

I did talk to you-know-who last night and told him I was worried about him because no one had basically seen him in ages and he knows my fears about people losing contact. So I told him to try to come to group gatherings at least, and today he did. Mission success.

I really do think I'm quite over him. Not 100% but he's so much more normal now... as opposed to larger than life, super special. I'm glad to be his friend and I love him being part of group conversations, he is fun to be around but that's almost as far as it goes.

There are small thoughts that aren't but he's sliding back into plutonic and I'm grateful for it.

It's his friendship I'm after now. I really do like talking to him. When I spoke with him online last night, i couldn't help but start spilling about my problems and things going on for me. He really does care and he does let me speak. I don't know, I derive a lot of comfort talking to him in particular. I do miss him, and miss what we had and being so close to him. Anyone would have to agree that having someone close to you that you can talk to anytime and that you wanted to speak to for hours every day and didn't run out of things to say and got so much pleasure from it, you don't want to give that up. You don't want that to change.

I feel really sad right now. Like... grieving kind of sad. Because it really is over for us. It has been for months and I knew that but all of a sudden it feels like I know it in a different way. We aren't going to happen in the future, not realistically. Maybe we'll get beyond what we have now and get back to being close friends but... maybe not. What if we don't?

I really do have a fear of losing people and I'm so scared the one I'm going to lose is him. We used to talk about it, back during HSC and right before schoolies, we talked about it a lot, that our group might split up and drift apart and I don't want that, I really truly don't, and at the time, I didn't even think about him. I mean, he was like my best friend almost at that point. I had my female best friend, and I had him and i didn't think that would change. I thought of everyone, he was fixed.

I don't know how I thought that, when I knew exactly how much of a knives edge we were on, but maybe I didn't know. We felt comfortable, even then. It felt like nothing would change.

Except it did, and it has. I don't know how to feel apart from sad. I miss him and I miss November and I miss the security of school and everyone being together and the security of it and hugs and just being able to be that close to him and I miss that god damnit! I want a boyfriend because I miss having that and I only ever had it for a minute but there was just something... it's like being safe, you just feel like right then, at that moment, when my arms were wrapped around his neck and I was just able to close my eyes and rest my forehead against his shoulder, it was just... calm and secure and stress free and right now? I'd like that.

I don't need him for it but I need someone.

PS I'm just stressed about uni, don't call a mental institution on me just yet. I would just like a hug.