emotions

It's funny, you can't make yourself feel a certain way. I don't mean this about getting over someone per se, I actually mean the opposite. You can try to fight feelings, or squash them, or ignore them, but you can't pick how you feel, you don't get to select it, like from a catalogue. You don't browse and go 'hmmm well I'd like to be crazy happy on Monday.... more neutral on Tuesday, I have work to do after all, and I don't want to care at all about that fight I had Friday, so get rid of that... oh and him... I don't want to like him anymore, it's gotten too complicated, instead, I want passionate love that consumes me and my feelings for that guy, the one that wouldn't ever hurt me and I think could like me too.'

Life isn't like that. You love who you love, even if they aren't good for you. Even if it hurts. You can spend years scared of leaving them because what if you never are able to love someone that much again? What if you aren't capable again? What if you never meet somebody that lets you? Is it worth it to loose that feeling because it's so special.

I maybe hung on to him for too long because that feeling was precious. It was unique to him, and I'm not going to feel it inside me again. (Ew, possible euphemism alert). But I'll feel similar. People are going to love me in my life, I do believe that... I hope, I hope, I hope.

I'm going to have a long term steady boyfriend and odds are it won't work out but I'll love them and probably give them parts of me that I've never given before and that will open me up to a new type of hurt and emotion particular to them.

And I'll do it again and again, and I'll struggle and cry but only because I care and honestly, caring is the best feeling in the world.