reasons.

I feel like I have to actually explain something now. I write a whole lot and I write a heap of that about one singular person and from this blogs perspective, it looks well, like I don’t have perspective. But you-know-who is a facet of my life that isn’t half as relevant as this blog makes it look.

Yes, I like writing about him and obviously there is some hang-ups- I’ll get to those in a moment, but I just need to make this so fucking clear, I don’t have feelings for him anymore. What is relevant is that the whole experience was a very significant to me as I learnt a lot of lessons and I really have changed a lot since that time. And that’s in part because of him. Everything that happened with him was a catalyst and that’s why I continue to harp on about it. I mean, less so than I did before but I do see that I blog a lot more than a normal person. I said this once before but… I just like to blog. I like that 30 minutes of my day that I can spend thinking about whatever new conclusions I’ve come to for the day or whatever I want to say or express and post it, for maybe a couple of randoms on the internet to see and let me know I’m not writing into a void.

If you-know-who reads this, he needs to know that yeah, okay, I write too much directed in his direction but if today has taught me anything, it’s that it’s fake. It’s fake directed at him. It makes me feel good to do it that way but it’s not a serious or realistic want. In real life, I want him to stay away from my blog, just like I’d prefer pretty much anyone I know in real life to do, because it hinders my ability to express myself when I have to be conscious of who is judging me.

It’s directed at him almost solely because yes, there have been a lot of things we never said and I have felt frustrated by that in the past, because I know it’s dumb, but I feel better when people know what I’m thinking. When I feel understood, I’m able to let things rest much more easily.

But at the same time, I obviously understand that it’s unrealistic. I say obviously because if I thought it would do good, I always could have. It’s always been my choice not to tell him, not more than I already did. He got enough.

And also, well, I don’t always tell him the truth. Usually for good reason. And though I think he’s too lazy and wouldn’t care enough to actually read more than a few entries, I don’t need him going through them and matching them up with real life. He doesn’t need to know every single thought I’ve ever had about him. It’s not fair for him to get that. Not to get all hang-up-y again but I’ve always let him have too much of me and I’m sick of it.

Long story short, I feel a lot and I express it here and most of it’s about him. Well if he thinks I’m insane, well I’ll just direct this at him. Screw you. I’m not asking you to read it, I’m not letting it out for people you know to read it, I’m just writing. I’ll take it off google search, for all the good that’ll do but it doesn’t matter, even with my weirdly fast increasing number of Year 12 mutual friends, it’s not ever going to be a public knowledge blog and no one who cares is reading it, so I don’t care. You are the one that didn't want me talking to you about this stuff! If I can't talk about you to you, I still have to put all of it somewhere. 

So, if he did decide to read my blog (asshole), he don't get to be angry with me. And he's the one going against what I told him seriously I didn't want him doing.

I even know he doesn't care whatever the hell is on my blog, he is only looking because he knows I don't want him too. Well, stop now, I don't like it, don't be a dick. The internet might be public but this is my blog and you are my friend so I'd appreciate it if you could choose this one time to respect that and me.