Fault.

I was going to talk about this last post but I forgot and got really sidetracked so I'm making this a separate post.

Because I was writing this scene set after the first time we kissed, I was thinking about that day and how it happened and how you-know-who initiated it.

I'm not blameless, god no. I will say with honestly that I did wrong majorly and though he started it, I ran with it after that.

The most physical you-know-who and I had ever gotten before that was long hugs, kissing each other on the cheek after Formal, sitting on each others laps. We were quite physical in the fact that everyone complained we were always touching. Like, if we were a couple, everyone would constantly tell us off for PDA. But if I ever got bored, I'd poke him, or he'd nudge me or I'd step on his foot or he'd grab my hand to make me stop or I'd pout and make him hug me....

Yeah, I was a complete bitch. I really fucked up. I realise this.

But that day, it was mostly him initiating. Yeah, I loved him and I wanted him and I was despairing because even a few nights ago he'd suggested in 2 weeks, after HSC finished we should do something to celebrate, like go out that night. So I asked him what, and threw out a few suggestions. I think I said a movie would be too weird and date-ish. In the end he suggested we get Chinese or something for dinner and go up to this lookout. Even I was taken aback because that was beyond date-ish. If it had of happened... something would have happened. For sure. It's a beautiful lookout.

But I cautiously said that sounded good and I got my warning for being too eager. "Just to clarify Lucy, this isn't a date." I remember that hurting my feelings but it shouldn't have... I replied "Obviously."

It just felt like we were in this crazy weird place where everything was mixed signals and I was very very confused. I needed a sign that he liked me. Not a mixed one, I needed something sure. That's why when my best friend asked "Has he ever done anything physical?" I was actually disappointed the answer was no. Maybe that's why I let him kiss me. It was proof. He wanted me and he cared about me and it wasn't in my head.

That day I didn't go to his house with any kind of expectation like that. I went to study for Modern History HSC. Sure, it wasn't necessary for us to do it together, we only shared one of four topics but meh, you-know-who is really good at Modern and it's the only subject we had in common apart from English. Did I need help? No, Modern was my second best subject, I was confident in it. Still, I needed to revise the material and I had visions that we could both just sit down at the table and study in silence but together. That was basically my plan for the day. I wasn't out to seduce him. I went in shorts and top, completely non slutty, just around the house clothes. The top was super old and had lint balls. I mean, I wore make up and brushed my hair like crazy and I'm sure I shaved my legs and wore deodorant but I didn't go over there with malicious intent beyond 'The more time we spend together, the more he'll like me, the more reason he'll have to choose me."

The different between expectation and reality though.

Actually, let me add to the questions that I haven't asked him and never will but that I would really like the answers to.

1) Did he plan for something to happen or was it as unplanned as it was for me?

2) Did something actually come up when he said he couldn't do the lookout thing the next week?

My theories towards these two questions are as follows. He didn't plan it, not anymore than I did but while I didn't do anything to cause it, above the normal level, he did. When he asked me to dance... that was something. When I got awkward and nervous and was like 'so are we gonna play CoD now?' which was our original reason for going into the living room, he was the one that was all weird about it and coaxed me back into the tight hold. I mean, I chose to, but he gave me the choice. I was fine without it, but he made it so it was a possibility, just as long as I wanted it to be. 

And I can't explain why he did that. What made him choose to. Because that was the spark. And he must have known he was doing something differently, because that wasn't part of the normal LucyandAustin script. Maybe it was because I responded enthusiastically when he hugged me when I got there, maybe it was because I didn't protest when he sat on me when we were watching WW1 documentaries on youtube or that I jokingly complained about how heavy he was until he suggested we switch and I wrapped my arms around his neck while we watched. Or the way every time he opened his arms for a hug I'd smile and hug him until it wasn't even a hug anymore, it was an extended embrace for more than a minute. Or that I brought the poker set so we could play a practice game before schoolies, where we'd agreed to play strip poker only half jokingly. I was supposed to supply the vodka. I don't know what it was. But something made him do it and I want to know what it was but I don't so...

And 2.... well, I think he lied to be honest. I had plans to do the same. I just didn't have the guts to tell him, I avoided the issue and then I forgot about it because remember, in that whole week between kissing and the end of HSC, we basically didn't talk or see each other. This issue just bugs me in the way that when someone says they don't like you, you want to be like 'yeah well I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER!' Only way to get some power back. And the thing was, in this case, I legit wasn't going to go through with it, and in the end, something serious came up for me so if he hadn't of cancelled, I'd of had to.

Not that he asked or anything. And the rain check never happened, not that I expected it too. I think he knew then, as I did, that it shouldn't happen again. And it's harder to claim 'not a date', even though he had a girlfriend, after sticking his tongue down my throat. Figuratively because french kissing is lovely and not at all like that.

But yeah, that's my assumptions about those two questions but I wouldn't mind an answer for them from him.

AGAIN, I lost track of this post. God, I'm jumping around like crazy.

Point was, it's his fault we kissed, he initiated. I have blame and guilt but not for starting it. He kissed me, I was just there supplying the lips right there for him to do it. He is the one that pushed forward and connected.