Fat.

Here is some wisdom for you. Free of charge, from the good of my heart, take these pearls and use them.

It's about fat. It's about the word and what it means, and how society sees it and how being skinny is so goddamn important because being fat is so goddamn important because if you are... well, you're fucked then.

Sort of.

Let me explain what I mean. Being called fat sucks. Honestly, if you want to tear down someones self esteem, it's one of the easiest ways to do it, say it to me and I'll want to cry. I'll want to lock myself up in my bedroom and go to bed and never get up again because no one should have to see my disgusting too-big body out in public, with my unattractive bulges around my hips and tummy, with my legs in size 12 jeans and arms that are awful. Maybe you've seen the episode of The Simpsons where Lisa goes into a clothes shop and one of the models/mannequins is tall, blonde, skinny and wearing the shops clothes, and Lisa is like 'This can't be right, this isn't realistic at all!' and the shop manager agrees, and pulls out some sort of cheese grater device, and starts shaving the plastic limbs, making them even tinier and more stick-like. That imagery has stuck with me for years, like a twisted fantasy... what if I could do that to myself until I was skinny enough that I'd never be called fat?

J.K. Rowling said this once, and she is very smart... “Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me.”  And she is right, so very very right, but I can't help but think, I'd rather be called cruel or vain than fat. I'd rather be called any of those things, just don't call me fat. Because all those other things, well, I can justify it. They don't know me, only I can decide whether or not it's true. But fat, everyone else decides that one. Everyone can see for themselves, it's on display 24/7 and I've been assigned.


And fat has implications, it means, you aren't attractive, people don't want to look at you, you aren't sexy. You aren't going to get dates, you aren't going to find boys (or girls, or whatever), no one is ever gonna wanna be with you and because you're fat, you are going to end up unloved and alone, by everyone except your sixteen cats.


That's what it means to me. Boys won't like me because I'm not as good as skinny girls. I'm not worth the same as them. 


Does it make sense? No, not really. Does that mean I believe it less? Again, no, not really.


I am beautiful, on the outside and on the inside. I try to believe that... and what is on the inside of course is what matters in the end. That is what I care about, of course it is.


But when my association of fat is 'no one is going to love you,' that's why it hurts. It's not some superficial insult that just rolls off, it's a truth that 'yes I am fat' so now, my own mind can supply the rest of the dangerous sentence. 

Just my thoughts.