Out.

It's funny when you fall out of love with someone, it feels kind of odd. Disorientating even. Like, all of a sudden songs don't mean anything, when a few months ago I was singing Taylor Swift under my breath all day long. Or seeing him was.... crazy special and I really would spend way too much time thinking about it afterwards. I'd miss talking to him if it'd been a day. I couldn't accept us changing. But now... my reaction to him is more just amused than anything. I like being friendly with him but if it's not going any deeper than that, I'm not wasting sleep over it. It's sad yeah, but I don't really care too much. It's not like before, when seeing him drove me crazy and just seeing his name could make me indescribably edgy or freaked or happy or depressed, now it... makes me smile but that's it.

I remember before, one of my main feelings about us after we stopped talking was frustration and unhappiness because I hated missing out on being friends, I hated missing major developments, I hated not being able to tell him important things. I hated that he stopped knowing me. I hated that I stopped knowing him. Maybe that was an overreaction, he even said to me once, when we just started to talk again, when we were teasing and he said something like 'you do think I'm sexy though' and I replied 'nope, that was the me that was young and stupid. Now I'm smarter.' and he said... "even older and smarter lucy, I still know you." It didn't mean anything I know, but it meant something to me.

And it sucks not being able to tell him when I do something exciting or text him when something reminds me of him or a hundred other things. I'm happy though, as is. Even if I just see him by chance, and get a smile or a hug, maybe that's enough.

The way I feel about him is so close to not mattering now. I don't focus when I hug him, or worry what my hair looks like, or worry about being interesting.... much. I'm not perfect, like today I still unconsciously noticed his stubble and was like 'wow, that's hot.' but if as deep as my feelings for him goes is just superficial then I don't care.

 I wish we were close still but I have accepted that we aren't. I'm not... out for more and I'm not... disappointed by the turn of events the way I was. It's just calmer now. It's so much closer to apathy, the most coveted of all emotions in this situation.

I honestly don't think I could say I love him and mean it as more than a friend now, not if I'm being honest.

I just don't. I could, easily. I could slip back into it, but I don't want to. I mean, I knew this would happen eventually, I always knew that I'd get to this point in time, but before you reach it, you don't really want to get there. When you care about someone that much, it's impossible to imagine what it would feel like to not feel that way. Logically you know it'll happen but emotionally, it's impossible to convince yourself.

The way I felt before seems oddly far away. I remember it vividly (and if I forget, I have all these lovely blog entries to remind me)  but I have distance now.