Strangled

Something about this blog.... when I was trying to justify it to him, I was sort of trying to convince myself to an extent as well. I mean, I was correct, my blog is about my feelings, not his, not him. It's just... there is a billion and one things that remind me of him. Literally, I could pretty much relate any topic I know back to him. In 5 different ways, I could connect them. I don't know, I just can. My brain has an obsession, not me. So... it is that I just use him in examples to illustrate my life and lessons and revelations, it's just because my brain can. And because to a large extent, it still does bring him up irrelevantly in my head all day long. I mean, not literally, but at least a couple of times, I see a blonde girl, I see a couple, a friend with her boyfriend, or I score a goal at netball, or I'm awake early, or I'm reading about feminism. Or I hear a song, or I talk to someone or I go on facebook. All those are today things, and a hundred more. I mean, I know a day is a long time, and I have a lot of thoughts during the day, but... that's why I write about him, it's just a mess of the collection of irrelevant thoughts I have over the course of the day.

I think about him when I'm not doing much. That's why I dream about him- it's my fucking subconscious that is trying to strangle me with him. I think about him when I'm walking. Or driving. When I'm not preoccupied with music, or a book, or other people, or tumblr, and it's just me and my thoughts, it just comes back to him. Same with my blog, when all the stimulus I have is a blank page and a cursor, I write about him.

I don't know why now. I literally don't want him, I really do have a strong dislike for him, I still like him as a friend but he also pisses me off.

It doesn't make sense. My subconscious should have adjusted by now. To be honest, I don't even think it was like this last year. It's new.

FML