possibilities

I was talking to my friend last night, my sydney uni friend. I needed someone to talk to about the whole situation because I was still tense, irritated and bursting to talk. With my blog now unavailable to other peoples eyes, I feel really alone. So I talked to my friend.

• 
  Me: but then i think he got weird just because i'd written so much, and because he realised it wasn't just some him-content, the whole blog is basically him-centric
  i started it to get over him and i've used it that way ever since
  and im over himnow. barely but i am
  but i get the feeling now he doesn't believe that
  and he was just like last night, in the middle of conversation 'its late lucy, im going to bed'Him: Oh I wonder why
  I think he didn't know what to do
  Me: and i tried to finish explaining but
  Him: You do psych. Classic fight or flight
  Me: he avoids EVERYTHING
  its the same thing he always does
  just like at schoolies, he just ignores me
  instead of having a conversation and it pisses me off
  Him: Just leave offlines with your side of things
  He will read it
  Me: he's been on facebook today, i know he's seen what i wrote, but he doesnt take the time to respond
  Him: Let him process it, and maybe include how you think he is feeling
  Me: so you think i should pursue it?
  i was just gonna ignore it, but maybe you're right.
  

  Him: Not force it upon him, but at least try and let him know how you feel

  Me: i feel like leaving more messages is just being even clingier and weirder than dedicating a blog to him

  Him: Or how you don't feel

  Give it 48 hours
  ----
  me: i dont know, its not like i want to have to discuss this but if the other option is more avoidance, it could be worth it
  him: I can imagine he feels backed into a corner
  me: whyy
  him: Because that text can be talked like you've been yelling
  me: i think i let the 'you broke my heart, you asshole' anger seep into it a bit but only cos thats why i had to make a stupid blog in the first place and i told him what he should want to hear, that i dont have feelings for him, so why can't he just be like 'okay'?
  him; Not the thought I want to put in your head, but maybe he isn't over you
  me: no... i'd say he definitely is, his stance is 'i want to forget about my mistake with you, i don't want you to mention it again, not ever, to me or georgia'thats what is annoying him i think that's why he's run away from it now, because he hates it getting brought up but by not discussing it with me like an adult, he just makes it a bigger issue
  him: Give it 48 hours, and then send a standard "hey" message. And try a conversation doing exactly what he wants to do; forgetting what happened
  me: sigh. okay, i'll ignore itit just sucks, not getting to the bottom of it
  him: It might have to be one of those things that just get dropped
  me: with me n him, everything seems to end up like that. which just repeats the cycle of why i have to blog, because i never get any damn resolution. now i have to go back to being self conscious 'don't do anything that could be interpreted as you giving a damn about him'
  

  • • • He gives me good advice and I felt a lot better after talking to him. It's funny though, how him saying 'maybe he's not over you' didn't make me consider it for a moment. I don't even want him to not be, except for the fact that it would mean that he'd have to talk to me more. (I'm sorry for the use of 'him' to describe all males now, but I'm not allowed names. Urgh.)
        
        
        It's in times of crisis that I recognise my feelings most clearly. Situations where he causes me stress and upset, I know exactly how much I care about him- but not this time. My real feelings did bubble up, same as always when stress cracks the facade, but this time it was real. It wasn't me lying, I am over him.
        
        
        I need to work out my plan of attack for this conversation. When I see him online next, I want to say something but I don't know what.
        
        
        Obviously, I'll just start off with 'hey' or whatever, but beyond that. What am I trying to accomplish? Is it guilting him or getting to the bottom of this, or is it moving past it as painlessly as possible by letting him get away with ignoring me?
        
        
        I'll admit which of those options appeals to me most and it isn't letting him ignore me. But what do I want, really truly? I want to be friends, but i don't want it without understanding I think.
        
        
        So what to say after that...
        
        
        When you didn't respond to the things I said ^ I didn't know if we were in a non talking phase
        so i figured i'd be proactive and ask
        
        
        honestly I don't care too much right now. i've always done my best to fight to be friends but it's not worth it if it's one sided
        
        
        you know until you spell it out it's impossible for me to work out what part exactly it is I did that pissed you off. all you did was give me a blank slate and let me make all the guesses. believe me, its not pretty.
        
        
        I was hoping you'd be willing to indulge me in a quick heart to heart. quicker we sort this out, the easier
        
        
        I get the feeling that my blog makes you think I still like you, cos I still blog a lot. but it's not true and you wouldn't believe how frustrating it is to have to wonder if that's what you think
        
        
        i dont understand the blog weirdness as a personal issue. you knew i had hardcore feelings for you, and you knew if fucked me up when I told you we were done. blogging was just a natural extension of writing.