shatter

I suppose I can still write these, even if no one can read them anymore... I honestly don't see a problem that I write these.

I'm not stalking or obsessed.

That isn't what this is at all and it's embarrassing yeah, and certainly it shows I care too much, but beyond that, it doesn't mean anything. All my other relationships with my friends are stable and this is the one that's not. That's why it gets focus. Certainly with none of my other friends do I feel such an incredible stress all the time. This morning I woke up feeling it and I couldn't get back to sleep. I was curled up tight which is weird for me and I know it's because I was anxious over all of this. Even stretching out didn't stop the pressure, it just made me want to scrunch up again.

I'm sure I'm over him. This month especially, I've never been so sure and right now, if I still had feelings for him, I'd have been forced to recognise it again by now and that hasn't happened. It's true, I have anxiety, but it's not the crush-type. It's just the run of the mill friend type. It's frustration that I can't articulate exactly what it is my blog is and how it works for me. That my entries involve him but I don't start posts 'Let's talk about him', I start with "this experience happened to me today and it dawned on me that..." or "I believe this and this is evident from my personal experience with it that..." Or I write an entry 'I am concerned right now because...." or "I am upset about...", "Today was super awkward because..."

It's about me, always. The focus is on what I'm feeling and thinking and expressing, it's not about him really.

So... apparently his name is in my blog over 1000 times. Well, that is extreme yes, but I know that only a fraction of my entries don't use his name. I know some that use it more than 20 times. Especially recounting conversation, that racks it up quickly. But just talking about him in general still can be a lot, all it means is that I use his name instead of 'he'.

Since he feels that 'if I don't get why he's annoyed, I won't get it, even if he explains it', I have to guess myself what specifically about it bugs him. At first I just assumed it was the privacy thing. If it could come back to bite him, he wouldn't like it, and now he has to watch his words around me because he doesn't want them blogged to randoms. I accepted that. But he was just like 'don't use my name anymore' so I won't. And now no one can read it which is a bummer so I'll probably lose interest in this blog soon.

Maybe I should try to use my empathy skills. When that other guy blogged about me, the reason I didn't like it, beyond privacy, was that it made it weird and awkward. And he (I'm not allowed to say his name on my blog anymore)  isn't a fan of me bringing up this sort of thing again and maybe that's his problem. Except, the whole point of blogging is that I don't speak to him about it. It's an 'instead-of'. Instead of having open conversation about the shit we did, I just let myself let it go through words and expressing myself.

I've realised that I don't like thinking about it, what happened 6 months ago. It doesn't make me feel good to think about. It does make me feel bad and guilty. I'm where he was a few months ago, when he told me he just wanted to forget about it. At the time I felt pretty pissed that he could say that, because I wanted to remember. I didn't want to forget a good memory. But now it's less nice and I'd rather bury it, apart from in my blog.

My blog is different because my blog is the good things. It is also the justifications, the apologies, the guilt, the explanations. I worked through a lot of my issues on this blog. It's been my journal for a journey, one that twists and turns and goes backwards and can be irrational or stupid and changes its mind but does get on the right track sooner or later. It's why I don't want to delete it, I've got so much depth of emotion wrapped up in this.

The other explanations I can think of over him being unhappy is the stalker factor. Especially after yesterday when he went on another rant about his crazy ex. I honestly don't think it's like that at all. And I'm not annoying with it. I'm not chasing him in any way, shape or form and haven't since before when it was mutual. I've told him straight- I don't have feelings for him now. Yes, I sort of bent the truth on that one for awhile but what's necessary is necessary. I didn't do it to get close to him so I could lure him to me or something, I just didn't clue him into the fact that he wasn't completely straight in my head yet and remained a bit complicated. And is it lying that while I let him believe that, I didn't stop writing in my blog posts that were centric to him?

Yeah maybe. But I do honestly believe this was one of those 'You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!' times. He didn't want to know that I was struggling. He just wanted to me nod and agree, so he could get back a gossip buddy and someone to talk to. So I did and let it work.

If I did it again, I don't think I'd tell him different. I might not have kept blogging but... my reasoning worked. I wanted him back as a friend, I didn't want him to forget me and practically, I knew there was no way I'd let us get un-platonic, questionable or dangerous, even if part of me emotionally still wished I was there.

So I lied to him about that and about my blog and his presence on it. Still, I don't think he should be annoyed or mad. A blog I started a month after we stopped talking was always gonna be centric to him. The reason why it still is... partially is because I'm just used to it, and I know that my blog entries/ month is lowering so I figured I'd grow out of it when I was ready.

If it's just the personal factor, that I blogged our relationship life story....well, as I told him, I kept all his secrets except for the ones that were mine as well. By which I meant I had the right to talk about us cheating. Just as he can tell whomever he likes about it without mentioning it to me (aka his girlfriend), I can blog about it.

I don't know what we are now, when he'll talk to me again or if he will. Well I assume he will, sooner or later, but this has potential to be a major setback.

I can't do anything about it.

Mostly, I think this is an issue with me personally, and him being unhappy with my feelings towards him. He thinks I'm weird and thinks my blog is proof that I'm a) obsessed with him or b) at the very least, I care too much. Either way, he doesn't want to deal with it. So unless I can prove that isn't the case, we could be not speaking unless we're in a group for the next few months. And ironically, I can't prove I don't care, because by attempting, it'll just show I value and need his opinion to change- again, that shows that I care.