truths

Truth: I don't like him in a more-than-friends way anymore.

Also truth: I would hate it and be incredibly conflicted if our status ever changed again, say if he and his girlfriend broke up and he started talking to me more again. I'm not saying I think that would happen, I'm just saying that I know myself, and it frustrates me to know what what I don't feel right now is situational, not universal. I know that I'd start thinking about him that way more often, even if I tried to quash it. And I'd be jealous of any new girls. I won't even deny that.

Truth: I'm not incredibly upset that we aren't speaking right now.

Also truth: I'd like it more if we were speaking, but it's mainly because I hate not being friends with him. It makes me think that my biggest regrets with him is that we couldn't keep our friendship and that is disappointing. But also, I am relieved by the lack of contact. It makes me think too much and it always leads to more, even if it's just 'more' regarding my own confusion about my feelings.

Truth: I don't know if I dislike him or not.

Also truth: He does things that annoy me, things that are just parts of his personality and I dislike those things. I'm bitter over certain things and angry over others. I also know he's very special and funny and can be a good friend. A great friend at times. So... in the end, we are friends, at least on my end.

Truth: Me writing about him is just... I can't stop. I don't know what it is.

Also truth: I don't think it affects how I see him in real life, but I won't deny that there is some unhealthy aspect of it, that I can write so much, even if it's so repetitive. It is what it is, part of me wants to stop, but another loves it.