These conversations were late nights, hours and hours long so I'm just going to give some 'highlights'. This is just from a partial conversation, I didn't bother to skim/take that much. And jeez, it's bad enough. And I remember how this made me feel at the time and it wasn't sick, the way I feel now. It was excited and thrilled and desperately in love but this is more just cheap being a slut than anything else.
Him: Lol the idea is to be out there rucy n be a bit silly n an bit suss for the hell of it-----
- Him: Be a bit stupid n a bit reckless rucy this favour thing is a game so play
- -----
Him : Woo hoo :) now what r u using ur favour 4???? I reckon schoolies n an interesting activity :D
- Lol it could b a social activity a night time one a personal one etc but thats all the help ur getting
- Lucy: o.O a personal activity ay
- actually, nighttime activity sounds suss too
- im not gonna sleep with you
- in the non-sleep way anyways
- idkkk, it thought we were just gonna use it to hang out
- Him: Lol! As if id do anything suss wif u
- ;) lols
- Lucy: as if you wouldn't. quit winking at me---------
- Him: Ummmmm this cuddles time? What does it involve
- Lucy: ....hugging basically. but you know im joking right?
- Him: Lol the whole thing is rucy haha I was gonna say if there cuddles time let's go to the slightly more once;)
- Lucy: ?
- Him: Lol as in what comes after basically hugging .... lol
- Lucy: lol well you never know :P
- Him: Lol use ur imagination haha ur turn
- Lucy: Lol i use my imagination too much already. im gettin sleepy
- i think its bed time.
- Him: Mmm id invite u but we both need sleep not more imagination lol! Back to seriousness now :) good night rucy
I remember these conversations and I remember just... getting caught up in them. This was so hard because it was the epitome of mixed signals. Remember this is the guy who only likes me as a friend, who has a girlfriend, who says he's getting over me, who says 'You're a nice girl, but...', who stays up til 5 in the morning with me, who stays up til 3 when we have fucking HSC the next morning. We had exams deciding our whole futures the morning after this conversation. What was I thinking? I mean, it worked out, but damn. I was not thinking straight.
The thing is, I believe he was mostly joking around here. He really enjoyed these conversations, I know that and heck, they were sexual and they were flirting and no, obviously it's not like we were sexting or whatever, but that kind of joking was setting up the tone for what schoolies could have been and that's a scary thought. If we hadn't kissed before schoolies, knowing all the crazy shit we joked and planned to do, if we hadn't moved from that mindset... schoolies could have gone beyond interesting into dangerous, dangerous territory.
The only reason shit didn't go down that way is because we got there during HSC, and we kissed and then we stopped. I got crazy because he shut me out and went lovely dovey with Georgia, on Facebook of all places. Of all the inconsiderate things to do, telling her her loved her and 'no regrets' the same week as that, where I'd see it... that's nearly slap worthy.
So schoolies was more angst than sex. Well, bits of both but mostly angst.
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Anyways, wrapping up now, I just wanted to make this clear.... this entry is a throwback to something that happened, fuck, 6 months ago. It feels like yesterday but no, it was actually ages ago. It's something that I look back on as bizarre now- it's not relevant anymore. My feelings for him just... don't really exist now. I'm sad we aren't friends anymore and I'm sad I don't have anyone to chat with the way I used to chat to him. Because of the girlfriend factor it was a whore-y, awful thing to do but with a single guy that I liked, it'd actually be awesome.
It's is hard to describe now... all the stuff we did and the way it felt, I remember it vividly but I don't feel the same now. Thinking his name used to make my heart race just to think it and now, he's just my friend. He's just that guy I'm supposed to be friends with but that doesn't fb me at all lately and that I have issues speaking to because of everything that happened and trying to respect his and his girlfriends space. The last 6 months have passed faster than any other time period in my life and that scares me but it's happened and I'm moving on from him. It was about this time last year that my feelings for him were really starting to grow. It amazes me all that could happen in a year and I feel blessed with how I got to feel and be and love during this year. It makes be hopeful for the year to come and all the people in my future.
Love Lucy xx
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