imbalance

• • It's one of those times when I want to talk about something that makes me insecure. Or... I want to talk about how I did talk about it, to You-know-who, which maybe seems weird but we are friends and I don't know... even if he doesn't reciprocate, I always have such an urge to tell him when things upset me. It makes it better to have told him. Not just relationship/ boys things. But if I fought with a friend, or my parents or I'm crying or... I don't know, I read a good book he might be interested in, or I'm exhilarated after winning a netball game. Why he's the one that I feel like telling, I honestly can't answer that. I just do. It's like he validates them, which is fucking ridiculous and crazy, i know. It's just.... that's what it feels like. I mean, most of the time, especially these days, it's not the case. I don't mention half the shit that happens in my life. But I want to. Shrug.
    
    
    There are also moments of clarity when I remember he doesn't actually get it. He doesn't get me. I don't know, sometimes he used to be right on the ball but these days, whatever he thinks I'm thinking, or about my motivations, he's wrong. Like this... we were talking about 'hooking up' and to me, that just means kissing. But to him, it's a sex euphemism. Probably since his debut into being sexually active. Which I wish he would stop mentioning, especially out of context. When he said goodnight, after this conversation I believe, he added 'in bed, alone :( school nights suck.' Or something like that. I was weirded out but just told him basically 'have I ever given an indication that I want to hear about who you are/ are not sleeping with?' I don't want to know. Well the gross curiosity part does, but not the rest. I have sex hang ups and he's one of them. He just doesn't show tact towards me and I'd appreciate some sometimes.
    
    
    This was just him really, really not getting me. It's long but I ranted at him. Shrug.
    
    
    
    Him: what r u gonna do luce? ur ot exactly gonna be happy about it till u hook up with someone and i keep saying theres garvinh
• Me: there is so many things wrong with what you just said im actually not sure where to start

  • 1) I'm happy NOW, with my life, being single, NOT hooking up. that better be clear.
  • 2) how would hooking up with someone make me feel better about it? kissing people I dont give a damn about doesnt actually improve life
  • 3)I also don't need a boyfriend to be happy, I don;t need someone to kiss to make me happy and i certainly dont need to be sleeping iwth someone to improve my happiness
  • 4) my issue is that the last string of guys that had interest in some way, no one likes me enough for my personality. with liam it was cos he thinks Im hot and nathan, not for the first time, just wants a girl to get hot n heavy with. it doesn't make me unhappy, it just bugs me
  • and 5) garvinh, of all people in the world, you want me to use garvinh. thats just screwed up man

  
  

  I don't even know what he was thinking. Maybe it explains his insane need to push me towards guys. I just assumed it was more of a away-from-him as opposed to closer-to-them.

  
  

  But how could he think that I'm interested in hooking up with some stupid guy I don't know? I only kiss with feelings. I don't have to be dating them but I only kissed You-know-who because  I was in love with him. Does he not get that? I kissed him for a reason and it was special. He can't make me feel like it should just be one in a long string of guys that I get together with to do that, just 'have a fun night'. Urgh.

  
  

  It's not me but it sucks that he thinks it is. If he can judge me for hooking up with him, I get to judge him right back. And he cheated. Am I allowed to make assumptions like 'you won't be happy until you do?' with him? He pisses me off sometimes. And of course, because he asks like he's doing me a favour, trying to hook me up with people. Which he's been doing since/at/before schoolies and it's never not annoyed me and I've never not told him not to do it.

  
  

  Whatever.