talking

I've realised what it is that upsets me about the fact that he barely speaks to me and that I never see him.

It's that, we got through everything, we got through being friends and being more than friends and messy fights and arguments and separations and let it be water under the bridge and for a month or so I thought, fuck I'm lucky, and then for no reason whatsoever that I know of, it just fell into total decline and I don't have a clue why.

Isn't that killer?

It's the not understanding why that bugs me. Because he had so much opportunity to ditch our friendship. What triggered this? Did anything? If nothing did and we're just in this state because I rely on him to talk first and he expects me to do it, then I'd be annoyed as well.

Should I speak to him about it?

I don't know if there is a point but at the same time, if there isn't an actual issue and this is pure laziness and apathy, then speaking to him would be positive.

If he just doesn't want to be my friend anymore, then again, what is the harm is talking to him about it? If we aren't friends, I don't have to give a fuck about his opinion, he can think me asking is as needy and clingy as he wants, what does it matter?

Maybe the middle ground is where it'll get messy. Whatever, on Monday I will message him. I have my own reasons for not speaking to him on the weekend. That is his time for being with his begins-with-'girl'-and-ends-in-'friend'.

I feel low when I message him when I think 'what if he's with her right now? What if he checks his phone, while sitting next to her, sees my name, skims the message, then puts it back in his pocket? Or what if he sees I've left something on a fb message when he gets home late, or the next morning or from wherever he's been with her and thinks 'while I've been out having fun with my girlfriend, she's home on her computer thinking about me.' It's pathetic I know but I don't speak to him on weekends and that is why.

I'll change this new status quo though. I will talk to him soon.