Not so insecure maybe

"I'm not sure," she answered instead, and bit her lip. "I'm not sure how to miss people that don't want me."

I'm still reading Brittana fanfic today. This is just a line, it's not even that related but I just put it there because I read it and now 30 seconds later I'm typing this entry. That's kind of how I write these things. I don't have much idea where the entry is going to go but if I type fast enough, I generally get somewhere.

When you-know-who and I stopped talking and I finally gave up on him and I guess, though I've never really thought of it this way before, he gave up on me too, I never really thought "....well gee, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve anybody, no one will ever want me, I'm not good enough."

I guess my self esteem isn't that bad. But I mean, I remember writing entries telling him how he did make me feel awful and maybe occasionally not good enough or worth it but... maybe this is stupid but I didn't see it, him choosing her, being about that. Like, he said it wasn't a choice, and I guess I believed him. Sometimes yeah, I felt like if I could just make him like me more, then we could happen, but it wasn't so much about that, and being in competition with another girl for him. It just just... us. Our relationship (and just FYI, and this is for all my entries, when I say relationship, I don't mean dating, I just mean any relationship, the connection between two people, friendship or otherwise.) was about us and that's it.

I guess this is more of me just trusting him, but I did, and still do, trust that he likes me and likes being friends with me and that I was special to him.

Going back to the quote, about not being able to miss people that don't want you... Do I believe that he didn't want me? Honestly... no, not really. Not enough, and not in the right way, but he did.

And I missed him fiercely.

Okay, I was wrong, I have no idea where this is going. This could very easily end up in my unpublished drafts.

Just... I suppose I was just trying to express the observation that I never felt that down about myself because I've never really believed that because you-know-who didn't choose me, I was worthless.
It's why we're still friends.

He didn't really hurt me, not really. Not the kind of hurt that damages you. He made me sad, god yeah. Things sure didn't work out like I wanted them too. But it wasn't romantic trust he broke, or vicious cutting me down.

It was just... I don't even know. Circumstances sucked and he disappointed me. That's it.

It's forgivable.