future

I really am getting over him. Honestly, truly. At first, the fact that he stopped talking to me much and that I've barely seen him upset me but now it doesn't. I'm kind of glad for it because it's the reason my feelings are getting so low.

I guess it also has to do with the rose tinted glasses coming off. I mean, when I look at everything now, I see it a lot more clearly. Things I wanted desperately a few months ago now just seem... not that desperate.

It's hard to explain but I suppose it's that I put a lot of emphasis on the emotions as justification for what I did. But now the feelings are diminished it's a lot harsher. Maybe this is how my friends saw it the whole time. I'm not saying it's more valid than my perspective before but love does make you kind of mad and you can try to be logical at the same time but your logic isn't always as logical as you think it is.

It's easy to get caught up and while i still won't call it a mistake- I did it because I wanted to and derived way too much pleasure and hardcore feelings and experiences from it to regret it- I will admit that it wasn't the best choice to get into in the first place.

Next time I will find an unattached guy. Obviously. Because then it won't matter if it fucks up. I really am not scared of relationships going wrong or fights or drama or heartbreak. I just don't like guilt. Or cheating.

I do regret those things I did with him for those reasons.

But yeah, I didn't exactly realise it but the other stuff, he wasn't a bad experience and I'm not put off from looking for that again with someone new. I just don't want all the strings attached. Someone new. Someone single. Someone I can try out and if it doesn't work, who cares. Move on.

I don't know if that's a good attitude or not. I don't mean to be blase exactly, but I just don't want to have to label my relationship 'It's complicated', I don't want strings and maybes and everything getting tangled up, I just want something simple.

It'd be a nice change.