update

Just.... bad day today.

2 topics. Will deal with the healthy/ fitness/ weight loss side first. Gained, obviously, after Easter. Not much but enough to depress me. Didn't exercise yesterday, didn't barely today, though I will hate myself less if I manage to do the 30DS tonight at least. I don't know what happened to my motivation but its nowhere to be found I'm afraid.

Stupid healthy diet has made me break out these last few weeks, since I cut out all the salt and chocolate and it's making me really fucking annoyed. If it isn't one thing, it's another. It's my week off but I'm stressed anyway over Uni and this diet which I haven't kept well these last few days, with chocolate and not drinking enough water and having 3 bowls of oats today, and eating honey out of the jar and argh, it's just bad.

Coupled with staying in bed watching Torchwood, I'm just a bit purposeless today.

Second, I haven't talked to you-know-who in forever. He's on Facebook and not said anything and maybe I could make the argument that I haven't either and that's true but once upon a time I didn't have to and I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't even blame this on PMS, but I'm feeling a bit fragile. And I'm gonna see him tomorrow with the group but even that sucks cos I feel disgusting after Easter, I have pimples which is disgusting cos this has like, never happened to me before like this much, I'm in glasses right now, which make me feel like an ugly duckling, and I feel like I don't matter to him at all anymore.

I was so positive that things had taken a turn for the better once uni started and I thought we could be close again in a good way and now it's not like that and it sucks. My feelings for him aren't even classified right now, they're confusing and stressful and angry and aren't the kind that give you butterflies to talk to him or make you smile to hear him say your name, it's partially the oppositite, frustration that we aren't talking and anger at everyone because of it and at myself and at him and just...urgh.

I know I have no right to go on about this but it's bugging me right now.

I suppose thinking about it right now though... there are some positives with my feelings for him, some more changes.

I remember, I used to think of it an achievement if I didn't think of him in the first few minutes before I got up, or before school, if I'd not brought him up in my mind by half past 6, that was actually good. Then by January he was in my mind like, every half an hour all day long. But now, April, until this last half an hour, I hadn't really thought his name all day. Maybe once when I saw a blonde girl and guy walking when I'd gone to walk the dogs and was trying to work out why I felt embarrassed or intimidated. My eventual theory was the 'guy with a blonde girlfriend that's skinnier than me' archetype was kind of a sore point for me.

But anyways, he's much more of a non thought these days but still, it does get me down on occasion.