Originally I didn't really think about it. We weren't talking, he didn't know about it, I had to fight the urge to tell him all of it anyway. Part of me wanted to link him. I like it when he understands me.
These days, my blog is a lot more problematic. A few days ago, when my friend got onto my facebook and blocked him, and I realised that I couldn't see him, my first thoughts were 'Shit, he's blocked me. What did I do?' and "Fuck, what if he found my blog?"
Because a) I am lying to him. We are friends under the assumption that neither of us wants more than that, that neither of us has any thoughts in that direction. And it's untrue because I do spend time on this blog, I do confess that I still have types of feelings for him. I mislead him I suppose but I'm not guilty about it because I don't think it really matters, as long as my actions are alright and they are. But he still might get pissed at me if he knew. So.... him finding my blog, would create a whole lot more problems. Plus it'd just be awkward and pitying and I'd never get hugs again.
Way back I said, if i ever linked him, it wouldn't be until I was over him. Completely. Mostly because once I was there, not only would the entries have moved into irrelevant but most likely by that time I won't care what he thinks and will have lost the urge to tell him.
b) after everything with the other guy I blogged about, only for 2 posts, which I ended up feeling bad about, I've probably written almost 100 posts about you-know-who. I justify it because a) I'm not lying about any of it. b) because I'm not spreading it around.
c) I've given this blogs disclaimers, I'm biased as fuck. This is my personal blog, for my thoughts and opinions.
d) I do try to be fair. I don't think I put blame and wrong on him unnecessarily. I don't think I call him names or bitch out at him much. I don't think I make this blog so people read it and think 'God, that guy is an asshole.' He's not. True, I rant on because I need a space to do that and this is it, and I honestly do write about the times when he made me feel awful and made me cry and every time he frustrates me, and maybe that paints him in a warped light, but at the same time, I don't think it does.
Sure, I could spend more time focused on the times he makes me laugh like crazy and says sweet things, but e) THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED TO HELP ME GET OVER HIM. Focusing on the good isn't actually conducive to that. I do way more of it that I should already. I need the tone of this blog to be realistically negative. Or something like that.
In conclusion, him reading this would be a bad idea. He doesn't need to know. Whether it makes him awkward or just pisses him off, it doesn't matter, I honestly can't see good come out of it, it'd just be embarrassing. He knows I write it and he's not stupid, he knows a fair amount of it is centric to him. But it's not like, cyber bullying or something. I'm not writing to make anyone not like him or to spill secrets like the fact that he cheated, though I suppose I did (another reason this blog will not be going public at any point). I'm not writing to harass or hurt him, my reasons don't have much to do with him at all.
I just don't want to take my blog off google, because I do like people reading it, it makes me happy to see my stats go up and that I'm not just writing into a void. But it's fucking easy to find my blog.
Google blogs and search his name and 'schoolies' or our names and 'cheat' or just other names I've mentioned, or conversation bits, anyone that tries to find this basically can if they try. Maybe I should care, but I don't.
It's playing with fire for sure, but maybe I just don't care.
I'm like that. Like with him and I, I sure as hell knew I was playing with fire then, and I knew exactly how frantic and panicky and upset it'd make me when it crashed but I do it anyway. I mused maybe it was because I liked the drama but it's not that, the drama is the worst him. Maybe it's the risk.
Playing with fire... I guess that suits me. My blog name is Carried Fire after all. I don't know if I ever explained it. My old blog name was While I live (I'll grow) but that one got out so I had to change.
Carried Fire is from the quote
"I wish that words held heat, or carried fire.
That way, your 'I love you' would be a burn, and then a scar,
And I would never ever forget."
I found it back in February and surprise surprise, the two boys that commented (and that ended up with like 50 comments on it) were him and his best friend. At the time I was just like ... I really need more guy friends. But anyway, it reminds me of him kinda. He did say 'I love you' I swear. I just barely remember it. I swear, whatever chemicals were flooding my system that day made my memory shit.
But also, this blog. This is the way I make my words permanent. I burn them into these pages. Words mean something.
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