sex lol

I was on someone I know's blog and they were talking about sex and how they wanna do it and how they look at the people around them and feel like everyone's done it. Like you can look at each person and assess 'yep, they've done it, he's fucked, she's sleep with someone, she's doing it..." etc etc.

I found a diary entry I wrote way back when. "I somethings think, what am I doing? Sometimes I think, these boys are just that- boys. Not adults, not men. I’m a girl not even sixteen. Sometimes I fret that I'm the only one that doesn’t have a boyfriend, that I'm not ever going to get one, that there is something wrong with me. Everybody I know has had dating experience, I never really thought about it before.

I am comforted by small things. My cousin hasn’t ever had a boyfriend and she’d talkative and opininated and an awesome person. She’s the really good sort of person. Teenage guys shouldn’t be the ones to make me judge myself the way I do. Their opinions of me aren’t life threatening. I do care of course, but yeah…I need to keep perspective."

I suppose that's a little different because it's talking about dating and not sex but to me, they go hand in hand. 

And sometimes it feels like that, that everyone around me is getting there and I'm getting left out or left behind because there is something wrong with me but in our group it's not that prevalent.  My best friends all have though, just none of them are in my group. But that doesn't mean something is wrong with me for not having done it. In Year 7 though we actually predicted the order we'd most likely lose our virginities. You know, as 13 year old girls do. I was predicted 3rd I think, of 5. Maybe 2nd? I actually am the very last. By quite awhile now.

But some girls don't by 18, some don't by 20. Some not by 25. I'm not scared it won't happen. But I just want a relationship. I do.

Because it's not that I wouldn't d if I had opportunity. If I was in the position with a loving boyfriend I'm sure I'd want to. But this isn't the case. I'm not sad about this- I'm not because the most important thing about making my sexual debut is the other person. As long as I remember that fact, I'm not missing anything cos until I meet that person, I can't imagine it.

I don't care about sex. I mean sure, I like feeling good and I'm sure sex is gonna be fun and great but I want it with someone I love. I want that love to make the experience what it is, not just a bunch of nerve endings being hit because I'm grinding in the right way.

And it's crazy to think that I haven't met that person yet, that I don't know their name or what they're doing and how we'll meet or what they'll be like. What we'll be like together. How they'll make me feel. I'm imagining a guy but what if it isn't? What if it's someone I know now? I sort of hope it isn't. I don't know many acceptable possibilities.

But that's why I'm not fussing about sex. Until I meet them, what's the point? Sure, sex is good I'm sure, to the extent that I'll miss it and want it once I get it. But right now, it's not on the table and I'm okay with that.

All in good time. You-know-who can stop talking about his sex life and I'll shrug this off. Just because he's gone there doesn't make it more weird that I haven't.

I don't know why I have this hang up. Its almost anti the norm but it grosses me out to know when guys have had sex. Even more so than when girls do.

I don't mean I judge them or I think they shouldn't, I just get weird. Sex positive all the way, just... something bugs me. And I don't know what it is.

imbalance

• • It's one of those times when I want to talk about something that makes me insecure. Or... I want to talk about how I did talk about it, to You-know-who, which maybe seems weird but we are friends and I don't know... even if he doesn't reciprocate, I always have such an urge to tell him when things upset me. It makes it better to have told him. Not just relationship/ boys things. But if I fought with a friend, or my parents or I'm crying or... I don't know, I read a good book he might be interested in, or I'm exhilarated after winning a netball game. Why he's the one that I feel like telling, I honestly can't answer that. I just do. It's like he validates them, which is fucking ridiculous and crazy, i know. It's just.... that's what it feels like. I mean, most of the time, especially these days, it's not the case. I don't mention half the shit that happens in my life. But I want to. Shrug.
    
    
    There are also moments of clarity when I remember he doesn't actually get it. He doesn't get me. I don't know, sometimes he used to be right on the ball but these days, whatever he thinks I'm thinking, or about my motivations, he's wrong. Like this... we were talking about 'hooking up' and to me, that just means kissing. But to him, it's a sex euphemism. Probably since his debut into being sexually active. Which I wish he would stop mentioning, especially out of context. When he said goodnight, after this conversation I believe, he added 'in bed, alone :( school nights suck.' Or something like that. I was weirded out but just told him basically 'have I ever given an indication that I want to hear about who you are/ are not sleeping with?' I don't want to know. Well the gross curiosity part does, but not the rest. I have sex hang ups and he's one of them. He just doesn't show tact towards me and I'd appreciate some sometimes.
    
    
    This was just him really, really not getting me. It's long but I ranted at him. Shrug.
    
    
    
    Him: what r u gonna do luce? ur ot exactly gonna be happy about it till u hook up with someone and i keep saying theres garvinh
• Me: there is so many things wrong with what you just said im actually not sure where to start

  • 1) I'm happy NOW, with my life, being single, NOT hooking up. that better be clear.
  • 2) how would hooking up with someone make me feel better about it? kissing people I dont give a damn about doesnt actually improve life
  • 3)I also don't need a boyfriend to be happy, I don;t need someone to kiss to make me happy and i certainly dont need to be sleeping iwth someone to improve my happiness
  • 4) my issue is that the last string of guys that had interest in some way, no one likes me enough for my personality. with liam it was cos he thinks Im hot and nathan, not for the first time, just wants a girl to get hot n heavy with. it doesn't make me unhappy, it just bugs me
  • and 5) garvinh, of all people in the world, you want me to use garvinh. thats just screwed up man

  
  

  I don't even know what he was thinking. Maybe it explains his insane need to push me towards guys. I just assumed it was more of a away-from-him as opposed to closer-to-them.

  
  

  But how could he think that I'm interested in hooking up with some stupid guy I don't know? I only kiss with feelings. I don't have to be dating them but I only kissed You-know-who because  I was in love with him. Does he not get that? I kissed him for a reason and it was special. He can't make me feel like it should just be one in a long string of guys that I get together with to do that, just 'have a fun night'. Urgh.

  
  

  It's not me but it sucks that he thinks it is. If he can judge me for hooking up with him, I get to judge him right back. And he cheated. Am I allowed to make assumptions like 'you won't be happy until you do?' with him? He pisses me off sometimes. And of course, because he asks like he's doing me a favour, trying to hook me up with people. Which he's been doing since/at/before schoolies and it's never not annoyed me and I've never not told him not to do it.

  
  

  Whatever.

relationships

Let's talk about sex :P

Haven't done that in ages.

I've done virginity entires and sexuality ones before but I'd like to try again.

I was gonna talk about the term 'making love' and what it means to me, as opposed to sex, or fucking, or screwing, or hooking up.

Making love seems to be more slow and sensual, romantic and a light sheen of sweat as the woman's back arches and her head is thrown back, her delicate neck exposed- etc etc, like a bad erotica.

Where the most important thing though is the connection to the other person. I believe in that connection. The one that comes just as easily from sharing a bed or kissing or falling asleep crying in their arms. The intimacy between two people that share something together that's deeply personal, that talking about the morning after ruins. That fragile state when the only two people that exist for awhile are just you and them and you open yourself up and be honest. And you grip them tightly like they're your anchor to the world and pull them tighter into you and feel them skin on skin. When you feel their heart beat fast against your own chest and you know how you're affecting them and they you. When you don't need to speak or break the silence. It just is. 


To me, that's love. That's what making love is. What I'd like it to be.

Because to me, there is that fragile state of love and that's brilliant and when I make love, at least the first time, I want it to be like that. Afterwards it can just be that once in awhile with lots of sex and fucking the rest of the time but love itself is so much more. It's about enduring and forgiving and being disappointed and shocked and scared and content and cozy and gasping for breath  and laughing and crying and a thousand small frustrations a day and a few big ones. When they fuck up so bad that you feel like a footballer wearing cleats has stomped on your heart and ground his heel in, before a washerwoman has taken over to wring it dry, until the pain is so bad you think you might die. But you don't, you live until you find someone else who smoothes out the rough edges again and you learn to love domesticity and waking up beside them and letting them see you before you put on make up and you look like Frankensteins monster and they'll still roll you over and kiss you senseless. It's the way you want to feel ever inch of them and if they go away on a trip, when they get back you run your hands over them, to re explore, to remember, to reaffirm. And you have sex and you tell each other I love you and you take turns cooking breakfast and making lunches. And you go on an exotic holiday and because you're clean and on the pill you make love in the water on a deserted beach. You get married after 5 years because you know you don't want to be with anyone else again and you want to start a family. You talk at dinner and in bed and you text during the day because you've been together this long but haven't lost the ability to talk on forever. You want to explore each other, not just physically but mentally, you want to tell them all the secrets.

I don't know. I have this everyday fantasy of love that I think is sort of boring to most people, but I think it works if you combine it with the intimacy of sex. That's how relationships work I think.

I don't know.

Questions-7

1. 1) the person i like and why i like them.
2. I don't really want to make this a you-know-who question, but just in general, I like confidence, intelligence and good hugs. I've realised I find competence very sexy. I'm attracted to people that teach me things and know about things I don't. I like people who are passionate about something in their own lives, rather than just sit around at home playing computer games and complaining. 

1. 2) a famous person i’ve been compared to.
2. I can't think of anyone. I'll get back to you on that.

1. 5 things that irritate me about the same sex/opposite sex.
2. Same sex... not sharing secrets (when the same sex person is my friend), being passive aggressive, being judgmental, being too highly strung and when girls where wear short shorts where you can see the crease of their ass. Not cute.
3. Opposite sex... being overly aggressive, being idiotic, not communicating well, that they shout things out from cars when I'm walking, and that they're so attractive but none wanna date me.

1. the best thing that has happened to me this week.
2. Won both games of netball yeahhhhh.

1. weird things i do when i’m alone.
2. Sit cross legged on the floor when my bed is way comfier and right next to me? I walk around the house naked and sing. I shower with the door open.

1. how i’d spend ten thousand bucks.
2. I'd use some of it to pay for uni. But I'd also go on a fantastic holiday and go to America and see Starkid and I don't know, but cool things. And spluge on things like clothes. Not brand name splurging, but I'd get things i like.

1. things i like and things i don’t like about the way i look.
2. I don't like my weight. I like my hair and colouring.

1. my last night out in detail.
2. I saw Titanic last Friday night with my ex bf. Nothing that crazy happened. I scratched the car, let him put his hand on my knee, cried when the movie got emotional and drove him home. I had fun.

1. something that makes me sad when i think about it.
2. My weight urgh.

1. something i’ve lied about.
2. Feelings.

1. would i rather be stranded on a desert island with someone i love for ten years or someone i hate for a month? explain why.
2. I literally cannot answer this. I think... someone I love, but it would have to be romantic love, I don't want to spend ten years of my life with my mother. Sorry Mum, but you know. And what kind of hate level are we talking? Because there is like, serious hate for like.... Ivan Milat, because he's a serial killer. Or Mitt Romney, cos he's a douchebag. I don't hate people I know. So it'd be an actual asshole or irredeemable evil person. But if it was just, some run of the mill asshole or something, I could spend a month without wanting to kill myself.

1. something i’m currently worrying about.
2. Glee.

1. one person from tumblr i’d throw off a cliff, one i’d marry and one i’d fuck.
2. I don't know who I'd throw from a cliff, maybe 'Male Minded' I follow cos it's funny but he's an asshole. Colliding-Kiss is pretty, so I'd do her, and I'd marry.... um...  the-oncoming-river cos i like her.

1. something i do without realising.
2. I have a mouth twitch.

1. lyrics that apply to my current situation/mood.
2. Cheer up and dry your damp eyes
3. And tell me when it rains.
4. And I'll blend up that rainbow above you
5. And shoot it through your veins.
6. Cos your heart has a lack of colour
7. And we should have known,
8. That we grow up sooner or later
9. Cos we wasted all our free time alone.

1. a drunken story.
2. I got drunk, then I threw up, then my friend Sarah put me to bed.

1. something i regret.
2. Letting Austin know how incredibly invested in him I am. Was. Whatever.

1. post a picture of myself.
2. 
   

1. 
   
2. 
   
3. 
   
4. 
   
5. 
   
6. 
   
7. 
   
8. 
   
9. 
   
10. my longest relationship and who it was with.
11. I've had 2 relationships about 6 months. One is one of my best friends and the other was on my tumblr this week offering to be friends with benefits.

1. press ctrl v and post.
2. you dont watch house so i dont have to worry bout spoiling

1. post a bit of my last IM convo.
2. Me: only you keep bringing up sex

   my dramas were lowly first base related

   im just gonna say for the record, i owned all this conversation again, so i was right, i do all the work and you do nothin
   Today
   
   

   Him: You are boring
   
   

   lols

1. 5 things i want to change.
2. 1. How I look.
3. 2. My marks should be higher.
4. 3. I need more friends.
5. 4. I want to write more fanfic and less blogging.
6. 5. I want a boyfriend.

1. my view on being tumblr famous.
2. I wish I was, oh well that I'm not. It really is like being the cool kids at the mental hospital. It's not that much to be proud of.

1. someone i’d like to be for a day and why.
2. My first thought was Naya Rivera, because duh, Glee. But then.... I'd like to be her for a day.

1. 5 things within touching distance.
2. My book 'House Rules' by Jodi Picoult, I'm nearly done, but even though I knew the kid with autism isn't going to have done it, and I think it's ridiculous that they haven't made him actually tell them step by step how it happened, I still think he did it. Mum says I'm being judgemental. Which I'm not, I have nothing against people with Aspergers, duh, I just think that's what happened in this case.
3. My blanket and pillows.
4. My drink bottle. 
5. My touch lamp. 
6. A pack of coloured markers.

1. story of my first kiss.
2. I was about... 9 or 10? My best friend and her younger sister were over at my house after school, playing in my room. I guess like any kids, we were curious and she convinced me to get naked and hop into bed. So I made out with her, while her sister was there sans-clothes as well. We didn't realise we were doing anything we shouldn't have. It's just a funny story now.

hookup

Does he really honestly think that I hook up with just anything that'll have me? Like seriously, I kissed him and it was the first time. I've never kissed anyone like that before or since. But he always encourages me with basically anyone else. The guy that blogged about screwing me and now this new guy that wants friends with benefits. Who, while being a nice guy and my friend (also technically my first boyfriend), he's a sleaze. Maybe I shouldn't judge guys that cheat, but I do. You-know-who is my exception. And the type of "but I was drunk and just wanted to make out!" cheating just doesn't cut it for me. Plus he's seriously into PDA, he once (I think) hit an old girlfriend, not hard but still a hit, and threatened to kill himself if another broke up with him. When I dated him, we were 13 so not a big deal but he was too touchy for me. I will never forget the awkward bus trip be spent stroking my hair while I awkwardly sat there next to him.

I don't hook up without feelings. Not without it meaning something, i've never done that. I'm not saying that's not in my future at all but... I just don't like him encouraging me to go there.

WHy can't guys just like me for my personality? I didn't think I'd ever need to say this but my body isn't actually good. So why do I get these offers? Why don't people just like me for me? Sigh. #Hotgirlproblems. 

P.S That was a joke. I'm not hot.

questions the 6th

• Have you ever:
• 1) Self harmed?
• Only once and it doesn't really count, I wasn't sad, I was just curious because I friend was doing it and I didn't understand. I just put the scissor blade against my palm and it stung like a mother fucker. Haven't had the urge to do it again but I understand better now.
• 2) Got into a real fight?
• Only with my brother.
• 3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed?
• No.
• 4) Tried to commit suicide?
• No.
• 5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt?
• Yeah.
• 6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting?
• Lol, of course. Apart from food/ bathroom break.
• 7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble?
• Don't think so.
• 8) Accused someone of using you?
• Not to their faces.
• 9) Shoplifted?
• No.
• 10) Gotten drunk/high?
• Drunk.
• 11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing?
• Yes.
• 12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game?
• I'm pretty sure everyone has done that. No shame.
• (Right now) Are you:
• 13) Suicidal?
• No.
• 14) Bored?
• No.
• 15) Avoiding someone?
• Not right this second, but in life, yes.
• 16) Avoiding some task?
• Yes haha.
• 17) Depressed?
• No.
• 18) Crying?
• No.
• 19) Annoyed with a friend?
• Not really.
• 20) Worried and confused about something important to you?
• Always.
• Do you:
• 21) Get depressed easily?
• Not at all.
• 22) Get jealous/envious easily?
• Not really. Get down about it sometimes but...
• 23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things?
• Music makes me think about it more, but in a good way. 
• 24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot?
• Not really. Not as far as friendships go. I don't know what I'm like in a relationship really. My only one I was laid back to the point of bitchiness so...
• 25) Try hard in all your classes at school?
• Sort of.
• 26) Go out drinking?
• Not really.
• 27) Smoke cigarettes?
• Nope.
• 28) Smoke weed?
• Nope.
• 29) Do any hard drugs?
• Never.
• 30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why?
• 31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will?
• Sort of. I identify as Catholic most of the time.
• 32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them?
• No...
• 33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain?
• People in the know seem to think so. I don't understand it but I'll agree that it does.
• 34) Believe people deserve second chances?
• Yeah, generally.
• 35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying)
• No, karma isn't real.
• 36) Think things will get better?
• Yes.
• 37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished?
• I don't think that there is a correlation between doing wrong and being punished. I think it's all just random events and you can be as awful as you want and still have no greater chance of misery. I don't believe what goes around comes around so I just go through life hoping that I won't be unlucky enough to be targeted by misfortune.
• 38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest)
• Of course I do. I accept some of those differences, some I don't. Some people who spread ignorance and hate, I don't 'accept' their views. People is not entitled to an opinion if it's hate.
• Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend:
• 39) Long hair OR short hair?
• Short in guys. Not buzz cut though, just not much past their ears. Long enough to play with and run my fingers through. On girls, it just depends. Either can look good.
• 40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs?
• Smile.
• 41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?
• Smile.
• 42) Shy OR open?
• Open.
• 43) Eyes OR body?
• Body. I mean, everyone has eyes and I've never really met anyone with awful looking eyes. So... nice body.
• 44) Religious OR non-religious?
• Non-religious. I think. Yes. 
• 45) Caring OR non-restricting of you?
• Both? Obviously caring but also obviously non-restricting... I don't let people control me. I wouldn't stand for someone trying to control me as my boyfriend, no matter how good the intent. I can deal (and encourage) communication and partnership and compromise but not restriction that isn't mine.
• 46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge?
• Straight edge.
• 47) Piercings OR no piercings?
• No piecings.
• 48) Tattoos OR no tattoos?
• No tattoos. (God, I'm boring)
• 49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type?
• Quiet stay-at-home.
• 50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with?
• Friends. But I've never not had parents like me so that would be awful. But in the end, at this point in my life, it's more about getting friends that like me.
• Would you:
• 51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk?
• Once in a blue moon.
• 52) Smoke weed?
• No.
• 53) Smoke cigarettes?
• No.
• 54) Get even with someone who betrayed you?
• Probably not.
• 55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you?
• Yes.
• 56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you?
• I'd hope not.
• 57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what?
• No.
• 58) Join a band as a part time activity?
• No musical ability.
• 59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse?
• Yes?
• 60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them?
• Duh.
• 61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like?
• Lol, no
• 62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family?
• Not physically. And not alone. But yes.
• 63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online?
• Why not lol. But I haven't thus far.
• 64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported?
• Not forever or seriously.
• 65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people?
• No. I'd try but...
• 66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them?
• Guilty....
• 67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems?
• I guess.
• 68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes?
• Not for long.
• 69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you?
• I don't know.
• 70) Sleep naked?
• Yeah.
• You can only choose one:
• 71) Black or Orange?
• Orange.
• 72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore?
• Neither. 
• 73) Cellphone or Computer?
• Computer.
• 74) Chocolate milk OR Coke?
• Choc Milk.
• 75) Tumblr OR Friends?
• Friends....
• 76) Apple OR PC?
• Apple.
• 77) TV Shows OR Movies?
• TV shows.
• 78) Old bands OR new Bands?
• New.
• 79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock?
• Pop-Rock.
• 80) Reading OR Listening to music?
• Reading.
• 81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice.
• Coke. It's just... accepted as the winner. Idk really.
• 82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically?
• Change myself drastically... I don't like myself that much.
• 83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge?
• Clean.
• 84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice.
• Neither? Idk.
• 85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice.
• Idk.
• 86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary?
• Documentary.
• 87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe?
• Outer space.
• 88) Shoes OR Shirts?
• Shirts.
• 89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence?
• Chelsea Grin.
• 90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice.
• Education. Because I care abut my future and love school.
• Almost over:
• 91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest.
• Yep.
• 92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family?
• Generally. I don't like talking about it that much. I can never be bothered.
• 93) Do you want to travel when you are older?
• Sure.
• 94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams?
• No.
• 95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions?
• Not until right now.
• 96) Rather be the opposite gender?
• No...
• 97) What will you name your son/daughter?
• Chloe and Daniel.
• 98) Do you get harassed more than most people do?
• No.
• 99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason.
• I don't have a hate band. Maybe Queen. I just don't like them. So overrated and their songs suck. Bicycle isn't a song. 
• 100) What makes you a bad person in your mind?
• I'm selfish as fuck. I don't care as much as I shou'd. I have the weirdest inferiority/superiority complex. I'm sometimes a follower. I'm lazy.
•