Fantasies. (of the non sexual kind, get your mind out of the gutter)

I can't sleep.

Well okay,  I only tried for 19 minutes  but for me, that's pretty insomniac.

So here's another log entries for you.

Fantasies.

I'm going to stick mainly to the non sexual kind so don't get any ideas!

I'll just type them as I think/remember them. I'm pretty sure most are pretty straightforward, from a psychoanalysis point of view.

I want to be the small, cute girl that everyone crowds around when she's upset. That follows when she's mad. That gets picked up and chucked in the pool and that people laugh and say 'she's so cute when she's mad'.

That one is totally lame, I know. It includes a) my body issues, when I feel big, I don't feel cute and this fantasy stems from that. The size thing is also a protective thing, I'm not the girl people rush to defend or look out for. I'm not the one people instictively care about. b) I don't even know, because on some level, I hate getting patronised, but part of me wants that kind of attention?

Like I said, these are just those weird, side fantasy things. Things you want and kind of know why, but don't really address.

 I wish I could restart my life, keeping all my skills and knowledge. I don't know if this is common or not. But I want to be so smart. I want to be that child genius and I want to be good at things and I want to prove it. I want to show up people that didn't like me and use my knowledge of the future to set myself up as rich and powerful and not worry about people I was friends with the first time round, that ended up not mattering- I'd go to a different primary school and meet my best friend early and make better impressions on people I know to be good and not worry about the rest.

This is basically me just wanting my life better, and getting heaps of respect, praise, admiration and amazement out of the deal. Also redoing a bunch of embarrassing things.

I have this one fantasy, that is decidedly in my smut folder but it was a lot more than that. It was sort of (and I know this is super lame) an 'I'm the last girl on earth but there's a few guys and eventually I fall in love with them and them with me and they want me.' It's just a plain old 'being desirable and wanted and loved', topped off with angst and hurt/comfort.

I can't think of any more. I know I have more, probably lots more but it is late and I don't usually associate these things all together. I suppose things like being skinny and popular and having heaps of boys liking me and being confident and funny and all, but not really.

Actually I dont know why I'm bothering to psychoanalyse myself, here's a text post that sums up my entire needs/wants/mindset. Well, mine and like 50000 other peoples.

• one third of me: I want a relationship so much, relationships are so cute
• one third of me: sex sex sex I want sex fuck relationships lets be slutty
• one third of me: fuck everyone I hate people 

That's pretty much it.

I want to be loved and love someone and all that relationship crap.

I want sex, being asdfghjkhgf hormones and such, I have needs.

Andddd thirdly,

I just want to stay at home and raise cats because people are exhausting and I like icecream and sleep.

Also, I think I'm putting you-know-who in the mixed brother/lover catagory, which basically means I have no clue which one I want him to be in. I also have a sister/lover catagory, because I can't decide which one someone else belongs in. I can't call myself straight until I figure it out.

Not that I would anyway, I have the hugest crush on Jennifer Lawrence. I would worship that girl if ever I were to meet her. Fucking flawless. Or rather, she's the epitome of the trope 'totally flawed but perfect because of it'.

I suppose another of my fantasies, I consider it my Babysitter's Club fantasy, because it's lame and cute and very 13 year old girl, is to do with this person I hold very near and dear to my heart. She will always be my sister type friend, but in a very non incestuous way, because I used to dream about kissing her. Like, being at a sleepover and pulling her by the hand into her room and just... kissing her on the lips.

That's all honestly. That's what my bisexuality argument basically rests on, that one thing. I don't know what it's saying about me, apart from that. I mean, I've slept cuddled up to this girl a hundred times and joked about it and told her how cute she is when she sleeps and I've danced with her and told her she's beautiful and all that, in the best friends way, because we are. How I feel has never affected my ability to be friends with her, but it isn't something that holds me back, it's just part of how our friendship is because it only shows through in the way I care about her and treat her nicely.

It's not one of those things I desperately want to confess... because I'm not trying to be with her, I don't want that. She's perfectly in love and happy and she loves me as a best friend and I love her like that as well. That position is completely okay with me.