Virginity

There is this age old question of virginity, which I feel like talking about today.

While it refers to both males and females in it's definition of 'hasn't had sex yet', the importance of virginity has for a long time been much more a device of shaming women into remaining 'pure' from sexual contact, or more specifically, penetration.

This focus on female bodies comes down the the myth of the hymen, a layer of skin that covers the entrance to the vagina, a physical barrier that lets any man know exactly what that woman has been up to, if he were to check. This isn't true, the hymen and the way it works is completely blown out of proportion. I could explain this but I don't think I could as well as others, so here is a link to Laci Green's video on the topic, she's one of my favourite sex positive educators, Hymen 101.

The purity myth, is a sexist construct that shames women for having sex, liking sex, wanting sex etc. Losing your virginity as a concept just highlights that. Seen as a painful experience, in which you lose something good about you, your 'purity'. Feel free to argue this point with me, but I don't believe this is the same judgement which is made to men. A male losing their virginity is something to be celebrated, becoming a man etc, taking someones virginity rather than losing it themselves. Without a hymen themselves, virginity loses the pressure over men, because there is no evidence.

The idea of women being the receptacle of sex also increases the problem. I think it was on Family Guy, with the metaphor, if you are at a party and you see a few drinks, and one is already opened, it doesn't matter how good it is, you'd rather a fresh, unopened one, right?'

No, no, no, no, no.

Just like the lock and key metephor, you have to take it back into context. Women aren't drinks to be opened and drunk and full of backwash and another persons germs. That is not how it works.  A women that has lost her virginity has, using common interpretations of the word, just had penetrative sex. That's it. Penis' aren't dirty. Semen washes out. Vagina's a self cleaning. There is no squick factor. Women who have had sex are not dirty, not anymore than a guy with 'vagina on his dick'. It's ridiculous.

The second idea that leads to slut shaming and the idea of purity is more, she's untouched, never been with a man, you'll be the first to open her up to these new experiences, she'll always remember you etc. This one isn't necessarily evil. I'm not saying that there isn't something special about the first time, though generally speaking, most of the time it's awkward and painful and it's never the orgasmic bliss people hope for (that takes TIME). I think personally that it depends firstly, is the male partner (sorry this is heteronormative, insert whatever pronouns makes this more applicable to you, but generally I'm talking sexism in a heterosexual context) expecting more from his female partner than he is for himself. If he's not a virgin, but refuses to date non virgins, there is a problem. But if it's more just after a shared experience, especially when considering the pressures of sex that are put upon both males and females, I can certainly understand a desire to learn together, without a whole bunch of one sided expectations.

Personally, I held this view for a long time. I used to be full of really problematic, internalised sexism ideas. I used to want a purity ring. I did think more highly of myself for being a virgin and I did slut shame. I used to feel like a special snowflake and be like 'I don't like girls who..." etc, expecially around guys I wanted to impress. I was young and didn't know better.

However, I was still hoping for a mutual virginity loss with my hypothetical boyfriend once I got over all that other stuff. I liked the idea of being his first. I thought that would make it more equal and I didn't want him comparing me to other girls right while I'm having the biggest experience of my life. For a while, I thought that knowing that someone I liked was banging/ had been banging some other girl would make it worse and that it'd all be ruined.

Now, with some more thinking done and a bit more experience, I think I wouldn't mind someone that knows what they're doing.

My only experience with physical things is kissing, as you'd know if you read my blog. When we were younger, we'd call it lip-ginity, and tongue-ginity. So you lose it when you kiss on the lips, make out etc. It's like a practice go at virginity.

 Out of the.... five (I think) guys I've kissed (four just on the mouth, one making out), only one hadn't been kissed before. I got to be a bunch of firsts for him and yeah, there is momentary pride in that. But it's certainly not a major deal. When I scanned through my mental lists, he was the last one I thought of. Because really, everyone is going to kiss a bunch of people in their lifetime, the first... really doesn't matter much. It's just the beginning of more. I mean, do I remember my first kiss, the dark room, the people, the stubble, sure I do :) It was great. I also remember my second kiss and my third and my fourth etc. When I had a boyfriend I can only remember a couple but there may have been more idk. Like, you're always going to have a 'first kiss' with anyone you are with romantically, and most likely you are going to remember that. 'First kiss ever' is going to stop outranking 'first kiss with guy you love'.

Then when I lost my tongue-ginity, obviously, it wasn't a first time for him. Did that make me uncomfortable? No. Did it make me think about all the other girls he'd kissed like that? No. Did it make it easier for him to take the lead and make it an awesome kiss? Yes.

If someone, in the middle of doing something awesome, makes you feel insecure and like they're comparing you to someone else, that seems like there is a problem anyway. For me, it felt like the focus was just on me, and that was an extreme case already, since he had a girlfriend and I was in a sense competing with her. But it never felt like that. You know the cliche line of players in movies, telling girls 'We have a real/spiritual/whatever connection.' Maybe it's bullshit, who knows, but it makes people feel good and secure to know that. Even if you are being played, which maybe to an extent I was, I felt when I was with him like he only had eyes for me and when I was there, he wasn't thinking of someone else. As far as virginity goes, isn't that all you need really?

If you're in the second category, is it enough to just know it's all about you and them, and not some distant partner that is in the past?

Then you get the perks of experience which I think, especially when it comes to sex which can be fairly complicated, could be a really good thing. Someone having sex, male or female, doesn't make them ruined. It just doesn't. The older we get, the more partners people are going to have and it's just a fact of life.

Like, the next time I make out, I'd rather it be with someone who knows what they're doing. And when it comes to sex, you know, I don't know. Either way, I don't think it's going to make or break it for me. I have had little niggles of disappointment that I never had a long term high school boyfriend, that I started dating when I was 14. I would have liked the slow progression of physical intimacy that comes from that. Now... I don't know how long I would reasonably wait. A year? Two? See, that sounded reasonable a year ago but now it's like 6months? Does that make me sound like I'm going too fast? 4 months? What if I'm in love by then and I really want to? I don't know!

When I get a boyfriend, that is going to be biggest topic of debate for me, I swear.

Also that needs to be soon because I only have 2 weeks before I haven't kissed anyone in a year and that's a really long time.