Dreams

I don't understand why I have dreams as fucked up as I do.

What does that say about my mind?

I dreamt that I was in a Hunger Games style competition, with a bunch of people I knew in primary school. I killed some of them. I punched them until their skulls cracked open and they died. I literally bashed their brains in.

I don't know how the competition worked. I can't remember. There were rules...

I have really shitty visual memory/ ability to picture things in my head. You'd think this would mean I wouldn't have vivid dreams but you would be wrong. For one, I'm used to it, and two, I'm creative. This arena was set in almost total darkness. I had this cloth/ blanket over my head. Like a handicap. I'm a cheater though, I just am. I am competitive with loose morals. I used to sneak hundreds out of the bank when I played monopoly. I used to open my eyes and look at shoes in 'Heads down, thumbs up'. I was a cheating brat and little has changed. Especially in dreams.

So, first, not unlike the way I grabbed the biggest plate of pasta the other day, I grabbed the best bag of tools/supplies, put my blanket over my head and set off. It was dark under there, but also dark in the arena. I  let the blanket fall back a bit so it was longer at the back and I could kind of see a bit of the ground in front of me. There were people around and they were obstacles.

The arena was somewhere between a huge running track, like with a surrounding stadium. Like, an Olympic field. A cross between that and a classroom, which yes, I recognise is much smaller and totally different. It's a dream.

I remember that there was Hell in the centre. A concrete bunker with a little sister of a girl in my class trapped inside. Like, as a timer, the longer we took to kill each other, the longer she was stuck in hell being tortured and set on fire etc. Whenever the door opened, all you could see was flames and all you could hear was her screaming.

I don't know what the prize was but I'm pretty sure I was winning. When the dream ended (alarm went off), it was like a cut scene, where these people were betting on me, and vowing to help me win, because of something I'd done.

Anyway, I have apocolypic dreams all the time. Literally, every 2 or 3 days. A few days ago. it was like the cold war. Which is weird cos my normal type is more day after tomorrow, weather apocolypse. Volcanoes, tsummanis, tornadoes etc. Anyway, I don't know if the enemy was Russia or China but it was someone and we had sealed ourselves off to protect ourselves from nuclear fallout but we were running out of air and supplies and we weren't sure the barrier would hold. Also we had no chocolate. Eventually, either another country or blackmarket got going and everyone was crowding these stalls and everything was expensive as fuck but I was able to buy a Tim Tam. But my dreams aren't ever just a scene. I have a hell of a lot of backstory and like in real life, vague memories and feelings and attitudes about the past year or two that I'd been living that life. Even if the dream is only acting out a few moments, something generally dramatic, the rest of it is still there in my head. The other night I was on a sinking ship, a cruise ship I'd been counting on to get me off the continent, where crocodiles had pretty much taken over and killed everyone. My version of zombie apocalypse I guess. But I'd been traded money by this older guy who'd joined my makeshift group of survivors and I'd been able to get tickets for me, potential love interest (I don't remember who/if they were part of dream) and a young Asian girl who I was protecting. I know all that, but only the quick exchange of money scene was shown. Then I spent the rest of the dream in a state of terror (imagine Titanic, once the lights were flickering, water had filled all lower levels and everything was creaking and groaning) running further and further into the bowels of the ship, rummaging through mini fridges and kitchenette nooks for food for the little girl. I found avocados and two minute noodles and stuff but then this guy, the ship captain or something stopped me, and we wrestled and I eventually coerced him into letting me leave with some of it, to help the kid.

The closest  I ever get to realising I'm dreaming is knowing that I've dreamt the same thing before. My dreams can be like video games. I die one way, ripped to shreds by wild dog/wolves, the next time I go the other path and face crocodiles instead. One time I pull in a ship into port using a rope on one side, it tips over. When I try from the front, it doesn't stop and crashes into the dock etc. I know I've done something before but it doesn't occur to me that I'm dreaming, I just accept it.

I would love to lucid dream though. Actually, writing this entry has made me excited. I know I can't control it but who knows, maybe tonight I'll master it. G'night!