Disagreeable.

I hate it when I chuck out progress.

This is a you-know-who entry.

I am incredibly frustrated with myself.

It's because I'm trying to move on, in a productive way. I have boys that I talk to and that want to get to know me and you know, date and kiss and all that. Well, not just friendship. Beyond that, for all I know they really just want to get into my pants.

But... I can't do it. I can't make myself like them and be enthusiastic about it. I can't make myself want to be with them.

With one, I am a hypocrite. If he gives me an opinion that I think is wrong, like, dead wrong, I call him out on it. I do this because I don't care if he likes me or not, so I'm not risking anything. And I know that if he doesn't change his stupid/ignorant opinion, I'm not going to talk to him again, ignorance is the ultimate turn off. But then, the second biggest turn off is people that just nod and agree when I speak. I want to argue like I want to breathe. But if he argues, he's wrong and if he doesn't, he's not assertive enough for me to be attracted to him.

It's a catch 22 and he can't win. There is literally no way I can see that he could have manuevered that situation gracefully.

And the fact that he likes me means I don't like him. He's too clingy and he's not my type and he seems needy and the guy that complains 'I care more for you than you do for me' and they'd be right, because they're a nice guy but they expect too much and it's the 'I did this for you, so therefore you should do this for me' type expectation, and I would chafe under that.

The other guy, I did like a lot more. He was confident enough to flirt and he likes books and tv shows and sport. He was perfect and for that one day we talked and I avoided study, I actually got excited about him.

But then he stopped replying and I assumed since it was not that long after we started talking on facebook that he just didn't like my photos, decided I wasn't worth his time and I wouldn't hear from him again. But then he did message me again. And I blew him off pretty quick. And then we talked again today, after I'd ignored his previous message and it went well and we got to this 'let's meet up' stage but he lives pretty far away but I think he's going to make a plan to come down and we'll meet somewhere like a coffee shop and get a drink and talk or whatever, and then maybe go to my house and watch NCIS. I think that's the plan, kinda.

I don't know if I want this.

I mean, I do.

But I just... I thought he didn't like me and my automatic reaction to that is 'well, fuck you, I don't like you either' and I guess... now I don't like him much. But he still is good.

And I just keep thinking about you-know-who and I don't know. It's been a year since he and I were in any way connected and I want to move on.

HIMYM has taught me very recently that you know you've moved on the first time you start to get the excited tingles/crush for someone else. And in this whole year, I've really not gotten it. Now I should be, but I haven't and so he lingers with me. So many songs I listen to and think, I want to sing this with him and make him think about these lyrics and me and I want to watch him as he does.

I wish I was on Glee, because only a VERY small fraction of my musical fantasies ever get played out through Singstar.

Anyway, when I think about these guys, and what I want, I jsut think of him and it's ridiculous. You know how I said no one could navigate through the stupid double standards I have?

Well, either he miraculously did it, or he was the one that spurned them. I think the latter. For example, the arguing thing?

My ex boyfriend? Pushover.

You-know-who? I barely ever win. Ever. (I was going to say something else here but TMI)

Either way, I know which I prefer, and it's not backing down from an arguement to reduce stress.

I think I really am going to be one of those people that really gets into angry/made up sex, because I find generally that the more someone pisses me off, the more I tend to like them. Probably TMI there as well... oh well.

I don't know. You-know-who kind of made a bunch of exceptions I had into rules and know I don't know what I like and it's confusing but I just compare people to him and I don't know if it's a fair comparison but they never measure up.

Because I do want someone new and I do want to kiss someone and be with someone and be a couple and argh, I don't even. And I know looks barely matter when you really like someone. I chose you know who over Chord Overstreet for goodness sake, at one point, hypothetically. That was love talking, dude, cos seriously, no comparison.

But these guys I don't know so it's so objective and they are like....okay, this is mean. Like, a 5 and a 7. I shouldn't use the number system I know. It's a girl thing, it makes it easier. It's just an automatic number that takes like 2 seconds to decide.

So I don't forgive them little things like not liking TV shows or being overly-needy or just being downright agreeable, I just end up like 'meh'.

EDIT:

Oh my god. I worked it out. The arguing thing. I worked out how boys do it right. It's when they're right at least half the time. Or at least, it's ambiguous to the point where I feel I'm slightly wrong but can keep arguing despite that. I need to learn a lesson but not go down admitting I was wrong (that's never going to happen. NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. FIGHT THE POWER (etc).

I don't care if a guy is rude or kind of douche-y. This is the asshole effect. I like guys confident enough to tell me I'm wrong and be kind of right about it.

I don't know what that says about me but there you go. I'm going to be a  'I hate you- no, kiss me, no- fuck you, you're such an idiot- why do I like you- don't stop kissing me, dumbass- type person.

What am I saying, that is exactly how I am.

Fuck.