I'm trying to think of a topic I have a problem talking about on my blog.

It's hard because there isn't that much. Honestly, I am an open person.

Apart from some sex stuff - and again, that's all relative because I still do share a fair bit, just not all- I'm wondering what I really don't share.

I'm trying to ask myself what is it that you fear? What terrifies you right to the core of your being?

I don't know, what that is. If anything.

I have normal fears and concerns but I can brush them all off pretty well.

Scared of being alone when I'm an adult and never having a significant other and a family and kids? If it happens, I'll always have dogs. I'll always adopt. I'll become a foster carer. I'll go into teaching. I'll be a child psychologist or work with special needs children. I'll be godparent to other children and be there for them 100%. I'll always have friends. I'll always have family.

So I don't need to worry about that. Not really. If things go wrong or off plan, they can't turn too badly that I will have an unhappy and unfulfilled life. And of course things could go wrong, endless possibilities.

I could end up with a bad job I hate, or a bad partner, or a partner that dies tragically, or something else that causes me life long sorrow but you know what, I can't be scared of that, it's just imagination. Nothing points to any of that happening.

Am I scared of being a bad person? Sometimes. I'm selfish, I don't always text back and I always want the bigger half of things and I like attention too much and I'm a follower and I kissed a guy with a girlfriend because I decided I was more important than her and tonight I didn't offer to drive to pick up my brothers pizza and made mum do it and I ignore my mum when she cries and I'm not there for her and I never pick up the clothes on the bathroom floor or wipe down the dining table before she gets home.

I'm a shitty person sometimes and sure, that scares me but I don't think I'm irredeemable.

Right now I have a tension headache from a fanfiction I'm reading. It's upsetting and I'm not crying so... yeah, headache.

Fanfic is funny that way. It makes me cry, it gives me the stomach flipping over feeling that is like a mix between cute oh-the-intimacy feels and oh-god-that's-hot feels. Destiel is where I get a majority of those. It's the driving over the hill above train tracks feeling where your stomach goes up then down. And then sometimes you get double ones, that go up down up down. And they get triggered by the randomest lines I swear.