kissingkissingkissing

Okay, my ears are ringing like crazy.

Went out clubbing tonight with friends. It was okay.

But here's the interesting part. My date today fell through and it's been 12 months since I've kissed anyone. On an unrelated note, my best friend keeps kissing girls that aren't me. This annoys me for unknown reasons. I don't want to kiss her either but she kisses other girl friends, I'm offended on principle.

But back to the story. A song I liked came on (Don't you worry child), I was on the smaller dance floor, the non retro one (Thursday is retro night). I'd been sitting with my best friend and her boyfriend when the song came on, I said I loved the song, we stood up to dance, she got distracted with boyfriend so I figured that she'd catch up. But then I caught a guys eye and we started dancing... then kissing a minute later.

It was cool to do it, I just thought it was too much tongue and it was a bit gross honestly. I am glad I did it though. My bffl was like 'you've only kissed one person, how do you even know it wad too much tongue?' But I measure kisses like this- if you enjoy it, it's a good kiss. If not then bad kiss. Only downside is it means you know who is actually a decent kisser.

Still, its been a year, it wasnt any physical firsts (those I like to keep) but it was first hook up. We did talk a bit a little later, like hes at uni doing IT, he's from Chile, name was Benjamin (sp?) and I dont regret it as long as i dont get oral herpes because thats incurable and id like to be able to kiss/ give a blow job one day without passing on std's. I've been told other people dont think about these things though.

Also, i was (and am) sober so maybe that should be factored in in kiss enjoyment. And lack of emotional connection...

Also excuse errors, typing all this on phone

Edit:

I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, it was implusive and I don't know how much I enjoyed it. I mean... I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. I enjoyed it because it made me feel sexy and pretty and desirable and I liked dancing with someone focused on me and I love when boys wrap my arms around their necks because that's how I like to kiss.

Do you understand what I mean? (I'm not even sure if I do). I liked it because of what it meant about me and it gave me satisfaction in a social way, in a stamp-of-approval way (I can't think of the right word), but that's why I liked it, and not because the guy was super hot and I was super attracted to him and I really enjoyed the kiss because none of those things are true. EDIT: Finally thought of the word- validation. I felt socially validated by making out with a guy at a club. So my thoughts while kissing were more... 'I wonder what so-and-so will say when I tell them?' or "I wonder if my best friend can see me...' or 'I hope I don't get an STD.' I like feeling pretty. I like being told I'm pretty. It's shallow but so what, I like it. Do I have low self esteem? Yeah, probably, but not always... I know I'm worth something and I'm really up myself half the time, so the insecure half has issues with that. So I kissed him a) bucket list, it had to been done, b) it was exciting and excitement is fun and c) it made me feel good about myself even though after awhile I didn't want to kiss him anymore and spent the next 15 minutes trying to thinking of a way to escape. Not that he was anything but nice and friendly, but I'd had enough and wanted to move back to my friends without offending him.

The bad parts are a) I feel like kissing is a bit sullied for me now because it wasn't a good kiss at all. . Like, thinking back... I did like kissing you-know-who, a lot. It was nice, not just the in love part, the mouth part. And this time I didn't, it was gross. Sorry. Same as when I got my first hickey in Year 9. It was just gross.

b) I can't work out if I feel like a slut or not. Because I'm not, I'm single and I can kiss whomever I want. If I end up going on a date next week with that guy who ditched me yesterday, maybe I'll kiss him too, who knows. I have to stop thinking of it as a scoreboard. But at the same time, not intellectually but emotionally, I feel a bit sick over it. Actually, I've gained  a new understanding of something but I think if I talk about it, it deserves its own entry.

c) The fact that I went with the first guy I kind of danced near, he started dancing and I gave eye contact and that was that. I mean, I've never actually seen anyone do what I did at the club before. It's not like there are masses of people kissing, especially not on the dance floor but there you go, it does happen. But since it's not like I thought those things actually happened, I didn't like look for someone I actually thought was really hot. This guy wasn't bad looking, but he wasn't my type either. So yeah.

So now I feel a bit bad.

I didn't last night, and I still think people should be able to hook up with whoever and do whatever, myself included, but I think I rushed into it this time... hmm.

Well, no regrets. Well, a few but none that I think are going to bother me in the long run. Unless I get herpes.

I don't have herpes.

Okay.

Moving on.