Having a blog is weird.

Originally it was just about expressing myself- and don't get me wrong, it still is- but originally, no one I knew read it. Technically, no one read it at all lol.

Nowadays, writing on this blog isn't writing to no audience and I don't write freely. I do take into consideration who is reading and who could be reading, which is anyone really. I do censor myself of course. I don't go to too much trouble about names and such, though I tried to cut out the important one. Now I do it if it's in reference to anything beyond friendship but don't censor it out otherwise. I refer to some people by other titles, if I have them. Best friend/ex/bffl/friend/group etc but I don't do that consistently, because it can be difficult.

I don't bitch about people specifically here, apart from the obvious. I don't talk too much about sex or very honestly. Even about the stuff I talk about here a lot I don't usually give the whole story. There are of course things that I've never shared about all that. There are obviously secrets I keep and things that worry me and things I stress over like hell. Right now I'm incredibly anxious over a whole bunch of things and I can't do much about it. Sometimes I try, but it's too hard.

The thing about what I blog is that I blog the easy stuff. That's why I don't have much problem with people reading it. It's not that my blog doesn't have some deep stuff about myself, but it's nothing I'd really hesitate to talk about. I'm pretty open and so all the stuff I've talked about fits into that box.

I was thinking about this earlier today. My three closest confidants I suppose you could say, are my bffl, my ex and you-know-who. You-know-who and my ex are sort of best friends but they have that guy-friendship without much depth in my opinion. Maybe it had depth at one point but now, not so much. Also I can't really talk about one with the other. You-know-who gets kicks out of pushing me towards him which not only pisses me off, but makes him impossible to talk about my actual issues there, when he'd love to write it all off as sexual tension or me denying repressed feelings. I can't talk to my ex about you-know-who, just because well, I broke up with him at least partly due to my feelings for you-know-who and just generally, the fact that I fell much harder and faster for you-know-who, when I never loved my ex that way. Plus they're best friends so.

Then since you-know-who and I were close for that period and he did share stuff with me, I obviously can't talk about that and never have with my best friend. I mean, she got most of it, the non confidential stuff, and like obviously, the first thing I thought to do when I got home after kissing him was an hour phone call then a few more hours on chat breaking it down with her (sue me, I like to talk things out), but other stuff, that makes him easier to explain and justify, I can't tell her so she'd never understand exactly what I'm thinking in regards to him. Also she hates him.

He hates her too, so obviously, I could never bitch about her to him because he'd just agree with me and take it as proof that she's a bitch.

That's when I have to spread out and get  comfort or understanding from other people. I think I do this too much, like tell someone something, then tell someone else, or tell them partly, or bitch about another issue. Then I feel like a gossip because I can't just tell Mia everything and keep everything two-people confidential. I blog and tell other friends, or something, cos no one but me gets the full story you know?