Forgiveness

Everything has been looking up on the love front. I'm not into you-know-who, but we're talking a bit. I've been deleting a lot of my writing which is pretty major for me. Writing is super hard for me to say goodbye to, but lots of it just didn't seem relevant or good anymore. Included in that list is all the blog entries of this blog from before March/April. A good 50/100k words, I don't remember, but however much they meant at the time, they don't mean that now. They're still in my trash though.

I also deleted some other stuff. It's me, I have heaps of stories and things. I got rid of the worst stuff. Lots of the friends stuff. Not all of it. Some of it I'm really attached to still, the stuff I wrote when I was 16, about lots of different people etc. I deleted the later continuations of it, which I'd separated into a separate document ages ago cos it was more squicky and weird. It was an odd story because it sort of just changed male lead depending on who I was into or who I thought was interesting. So it's okay in it's oldest version, when it was just meaningless crushes.

I've also been thinking about forgiveness. My friend that's pregnant, her boyfriend, also my friend, has pretty much taken a giant step back and (sorry, problematic term) decided not to man up and take responsibility at all. He told me yesterday 'It's completely within your rights to hate me Lucy.'

And I just said, I don't really hate people. It's true.

I mean, I hate what he's doing and I don't respect him or his decision at all in this situation, but... I don't hate him. He's the guy that always treated me well. Who used to argue with me over who had better scabies in Year 9. Who, three years in a row, skied behind me at ski trip on the hard runs so when I stacked, I'd have someone to get me back up, even when I was this close to giving up and freaking out. He was the guy who encouraged me to get drunk the first time and showed me what to do. How can I hate that?

My best friend was actually sort of the same reaction, but for different reasons. I have personal investment in their situation because I'm good friends with the girl and I care about her life and well being. Whereas my bffl is friends with her, but in that weird girl way where you're friendly, but actually don't like the person at all. So she's like 'well I can't be mad at him, he didn't do anything to me.'

But if you recall, which you probably don't, now that this blog is missing some serious content, my best friend hates you-know-who with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

Since he neither knocked me up or did anything to her directly, I thought that was a weird position to take considering. But she's like 'yeah, but you're my best friend.'

Which is kind of sweet. But also, seriously, I got messed around, this girl got pregnant and ditched. I feel like they are on different levels here.

I mean, I don't hate him. Same as with that girls girlfriend, I always think about the nice things. The talks, the jokes, the plans, the hugs, you know, all that stuff does count.

She just thinks he's a dick (it's mutual- which is annoying for me) and I get threatened to get hit over the head with a laptop if I mention talking to him, but honestly, I know him better than her and while she's sometimes right, I'm sometimes right too.

I wonder if they'd ever have been friends if all of this didn't happen. I mean, they vaguely were, in the group way. But they aren't that different. Like, I love them both, they aren't bad people. They're the best, mostly.  They're just strong personalities. I know the things I like in you-know-who aren't things she can appreciate and you-know-who wouldn't appreciate Mia for all the reasons I do. Mia and I work because she's quite domineering and I need that, but she encourages me to be more than just a follower. Whereas Austin is a strong personality but in a way that clashes with mine, so it's automatic to be more outgoing. With him, I can take the lead more in conversation and things, even if I still defer on some stuff. With Mia, I'm able to be confident because I'm comfortable with her, and because she encourages me to be.

I don't know, it frustrates me that they never could be friends. They are the people that make it the easiest for me to be wholly myself. With other friends, either I have to spare their feelings or act in a certain way but... I don't know. Not with them.

I think what he dislikes about her is her complete lack of tact and just that she's so outright and doesn't respect privacy. Like, he's private. He doesn't share secrets easily, or gossip.  He doesn't go begging after info if something happens. Even if it's interesting, he's usually last to know things cos he doesn't search it out. I couldn't be like him, not talking to anyone when stuff happens. I need to talk things out, and Mia does too. It's natural I think, but more for females I think, whether evolutionary or socially constructed.

Mia's more simple, she doesn't like him cos he was a selfish bastard who broke my heart. It's not fair, exactly. I think it's mostly that. I suppose just in general she doesn't really find him interesting or funny or anything either, but I think it's just that she feels he 'just did what he wanted' in regards to last year and everything. I used quotation marks cos that's actually a phrase of his, talking about someone else's cheating. I told him I didn't want to discuss the morality of cheating but it's hard not to see the hypocrisy that was coming out there. It's not that she's completely wrong, but she's not right either.

Oh well, the odds of them ever being friends is close to nil. Such is life.