Brittana Break Up.

Okay so Brittana broke up.

If you don't know who Brittana is, please direct your eyes to the right. Those kissing girls? That's Brittana.

I love Brittana. I stay up blogging about Brittana. I watch youtube videos and get warm fuzzy feelings and spend time telling my mum about them and making her watch their scenes and bitching about Fox and lack of physical contact and discrimination because of fucking right wing politics and immature idiots and ignorant bigots who don't understand the world and/or what love and human nature is.

Brittana is love.

And they broke up today. So did Klaine mostly, plus Finchel (but I was cheering for that one).

What I'm saying is that it sucks and I had hope it wouldn't go down that way and I've been trying to prepare myself and I fell asleep last night listening to a Brittana playlist and I texted all my friends THIS IS NOT A DRILL etc once I finished watching and I've been reblogging like crazy since i finished watching and rewatching.

BUT

I'm not that upset.

I'm just not.

I feel like everyone else is (on Tumblr). They're all going batshit crazy and one was just like (that spurned this entry) "but like im not okay i wasnt even this emotional when ive broken up with real people"

AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT. Well, actually, I do. I feel exactly like I did when I broke up with real people. Nothing.

At all.

It's just... I can be so fucking emotionless. I want to be crazy and controlled by emotions sometimes. I feel accomplished when I cry, I feel vindicated when I break down, I feel like I'm proving something.

Because being apathetic is shit.

I love being carried and pulled and directed by emotion. I love following my heart, I love getting too involved. Feeling bad is better than logically just shrugging and thinking 'well, logic logic excuse logic."

Feeling that way was a major factor in the Austin thing. It's a major factor in most romantic ventures of mine. It goes 'I want a relationship" "but i don't feel anything" "maybe if I do it anyway, I'll feel something sooner or later" GET TOGETHER THEN BREAK UP "I want to feel something" "but this is wrong" "who cares, I FEEL something" DO SOMETHING DUMB AND EMOTIONAL AND MORALLY WRONG. "well, shit."

I feel like that now, like, I feel just as apathetic as I did when I ended my last relationship. Well, I felt relief then. Though actually, I feel that now as well. I knew their relationship was going to crash. I'd been spoiled that much. And now at least I know the damage.

Sigh.

PS Also I have a crush on one of my best friends kthxbye