Week 4

New beginnings, that's what this move should represent, rather than the destruction of my life which is how it has felt. I know this mainly has to do with losing the puppies, but the breakdown of good eating habits, feeling lethargic and like a fish out of water (Thank you, Year 7 English), living in an apartment that I have to actually plan to leave the house, because otherwise I won't step outside, due to having an elevator and not being bothered. I need to clean up my act, clean up and unpack all my clothes,  decorate my room a bit, make my bed, open the blinds, put all the rubbish and evidence of bad eating in the bin, get up my motivation posters. Not right now because I have homework to do and uni in 2 hours but tomorrow on my day off, I want to do all that and go for a run. Or even a walk if I think I can't manage more than that

I'll update this later I'm sure. But this is actually the beginning of week 4. I haven't weighed myself because I know it'll suck but I should do it anyway, I just...urgh. Next week I will, no excuses.

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Wednesday

I think I have an odd relationship with my self confidence/self image. Like... if I'm getting ready to go out/to a party etc, I'll try on 5 different things and hate what I look like in all of them. Or, I'll go out in something off the shoulder or short or 'weird' and then spend all day worrying if it's okay and if everyone is staring at me and laughing. But then, other times, like at the beach or whatever, I don't have much problem wearing a bikini, or a really short skirt or something.

And then just other times when I'm like, you know what, I'm kinda cute. Maybe not to everyone and certainly could be improved but you know... not too bad. Or I'm like... who cares? Especially when it's just friends. Like, my bffl judges everything I wear, gives me a once over when I see her, but she's not negative with it. And like, so on Saturday I think it was, I was hanging out with a few friends, just to play Singstar and PS3 etc, so you know, I can be myself. I can say what I want and act how I want and not be awkward and like 'um... could I please have a glass of water?' or 'Excuse me, where's the bathroom?', you know, I'm somewhere comfortable. So... I dressed comfy and didn't wear make up etc. I think it was a good decision. It's mostly just a mood thing. It probably isn't even that noticable but it always feels good when you can do that and feel comfortable. Same when you wear just a $5 singlet top and just decide to rock it.

My self image isn't that bad. It's not great but you know, it's workable.

Thursday

My sleep is really fucked up. I went to nap at like 3pm. I just woke up, it's 7:15pm. Last night I went t bed at 8:30pm, then woke at 4am. Had a shower, then rested for a few more hours, eventually drifting off and them being super tired when my alarm went off at 7. Also I have horrific sunburn which makes sleeping really hard. Thankfully, I sleep on my tummy normally and it's my back/ back of legs which are worst affected. Also I have awful blisters so I can barely walk. I'm managing a painful hobble.

I think that I nap when I'm trying to avoid food. Also when I'm feeling really sad (I'm not saying depressed because while it was in the common-non-literal way of speaking, I know I don't actually have depression), I sleep a lot more, evidenced by the last few weeks.

Eating therefore has been good today because I skipped afternoon tea. It might not stay good because there are TV Snacks in the cupboard and Top Deck in the fridge but I'll try to resist if I can. (Not likely, which is really kind of pissing me off. Why the hell shouldn't I be able to resist for one goddamn night?

here are the arguments for: "I want it..."
Here are the arguments against. "It's bad for me, it'll ruin my progress, it'll show that I'm not in control, I want to have a good week and it'll show up badly for me later, what I eat in private I'll wear in public, etc etc."

Hopefully that is enough to convince myself. It's not even like I can't eat more tonight. I get dinner soon, and I think I'll have pumpkin soup and I'll have a buttered roll with it.