I've been thinking a bit about this weight loss thing.

I've been trying for ages now. All year honestly, on and off. I'd never really thought about it before. I wouldn't say I was happier- but there is some comfort in ignorance. Now, I can still make shitty decisions about food and diet and exercise, only I do it with informed consent.

That can be pretty bad.

You know that inner voice that tells you what to do? Well really, I don't know about everyone, I'm trying to be more aware of people that aren't neurotypical, and also the fact that even people being classified neurotypical doesn't mean that we all think alike, but just in general, I have a voice in my head all the time. I'm not crazy, that's the voice of Lucy. The inner-Lucy. Mind-of-Lucy. The thinking-feeling-decision making part. The what-makes-Lucy-Lucy part.

It can be pretty darn impulsive. Sometimes it's like there's two minds. The regular one that's on my side and it's like 'this is such a bad idea' when I walk to my cupboard and eye the biscuit tin. But then the rest of my mind is like 'well too bad, I'm standing here and I control the body bitch. Fuck you." So the normal Lucy is like, well, can't argue with that logic, this part of the mind is pretty weak. I could stop you but well, I'm not gonna. After all... cookie.

I know exactly what I'm doing when I eat junk or binge or whatever. I know.  So the fact that I do it anyway is horrifying. Why do I?

Like, right now I'm committed to the cause. It's been a pretty good day, and I'm not hungry right now. But in the morning it won't be like that, I'll still be eating my cereal but I'll be thinking about my yogurt or something and even though I only finished my cereal 20 minutes ago and don't need to eat for a few hours, that yogurt is gonna end up in my stomach pretty darn soon.

Or I'll be sitting at Uni at 4pm, knowing that I have half an hour until I need to go to class and even then, no dinner until 6 and I had lunch (which was basically just fruit or yogurt) ages ago and all I have is 2 pieces of fruit and the smell of subway. I usually beat this one, but not always.

Or like, at Hangdog on Tuesdays, which I do every week, there is free pizza at about 7:30/8pm. Everyone can grab 2/3 pieces. I never do though, because it's just habit not too, my bffl would judge me and I've already had dinner. So it's not even a thought process forming to do it, because I never formed that bad habit. If I could just delete some of my other bad habits, life would be a lot easier for me.

Another thing is, I feel like I eat more/more frequently than other people. Like, if I pull out food sometime, I feel like noone else is even thinking about food at all, and they are just happy going about in their lives, while I'm struggling to keep my mind off lunch. But I mean, I think that's just a 'happens to everyone' type thing. Like, when I'm on the bus and I'm in a hurry, I'm paying heaps of attention and cursing and stressing every slight delay and no one else is even caring. But it's the opposite when I'm not late, I don't even think of it, let along see if anyone else is.

I'm not saying other people have the issues with food that I do, but since I only notice when I'm conscientious or defensive, my picture isn't perfectly clear.

Anyway, going to sleep now.