So this very nearly doesn't warrant an entry but it's just that bit too... relevant I suppose, to not mention here, as for obvious reasons it's better than mentioning this to Mia.
So I talked to you-know-who last night. He's been really drifting away from the group in a major way, and you know me, queen of overthinking and insecurity, the best I could really do about it was try to start a conversation about once a month. That's where my limit is. I have a fear of being thought of as crazy when it comes to him, mostly because it probably hits too close to home as I've done some pretty crazy things, most of which are this blog. But whatever.
He was online, I was talking to my good friend who used to be my bestie until we drifted, and it did make me think about the bridges I was possibly burning with him if I didn't try harder. I mean, he's burning them too but you know, semantics. Bottom line, if I want to be friends, I have to put effort in. That's life, I've learn this past year.
But we talked, honest to goodness, for a bunch of hours. I mean, there were a few lulls when conversation stopped and there'd be a bit of a break until someone restarted it, but he did half the work, which is not something I can always say about him. It wasn't a dumb conversation, or a shallow one, if you know what I mean? Like, eventually once you get past the how are you? good u? good. barrier, then you can actually have meaningful conversation and that's what I've missed about him.
It's the first time it's happened since I'm really over him I guess, and it's easy to see the affect that has on conversation. I mean, he affects it too but now that we're both leaning in the same direction, though awkward at points, because honestly, we talk about relationships and exes and things a lot, it worked.
I don't know how I feel to tell you the truth. I'm sure I don't like him like that anymore, even surer that I'm not angling in that direction, and I know we always get on better online than in person when it comes to communication and things that matter, but.... I'm trying to do this completely honestly. I still get, is butterflies the right word? When I see in the flashing facebook tab that you-know-who 'has messaged you', it still gives me a pleasant feeling that isn't how I normally feel when I see a message.
I still consider what I say to him quite carefully, same as ever. Sometimes to make sure I'm skirting the right lines of friendship, but also just to say the right/best things.
Okay, that's it. Oh, except we were up til like quarter to 4 and then I overslept and missed a lecture. Oops.
It's the first time I've done that- miss a lecture accidently. But the talking thing, we've done that a billion times. This time last year we were doing it all the time. I remember staying up til like 3, the night before my biology HSC. It didn't affect it or anything, but not exactly the smartest choice I've ever made.
It's just, he's busy so unless it's late at night, it's hard to get a conversation out of him. It's not more than that.
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Okay, damnit. I've been dwelling.
What if it is more than that? I don't even know what spurned this exactly. I was reading sweet/angsty Destiel fic, after the new episode came out (DESTIEL HUGGED) and I've just been feeling reminince-y I guess. Like, in the fic they're kissing and I'm like omfg I want that again.
And see, the thing is, he isn't that good looking. But (and I thought I was over this) he's... how to describe it. Sexy.
I feel weird using that word.
Idk, my memory is flashes. Like, it's not about an overall picture, it's just like a bunch of small elements that rush together and get me hot. I did think I was over it.
I am over him.
This is just....yeah.
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So we talked again last night. After the fail that was waking up yesterday morning was, I ended it about 2am, rather than 3am, but same type thing. It's nice.
I've also realised something else.
Human nature dictates that our memories preserve bad things a lot more often than good things. It's self preservation, so we remember not to do things that hurt us again. So it's way easier to remember bad things than good things. What I have realised however, when it comes to you-know-who, I don't remember bad things at all. It's why I give him free passes a lot. Sure, this time 3 weeks ago I'd pretty much given up on us being friends anymore, because he didn't give a damn and conversations with him made me feel worse coming out of them.
But spend, I don't know, two nights, 8 hours, talking, and I'm happy to forget all that like it never happened.
I wish we talked regularly though, not like crazy for a week, then not for another month. Healthy friendship is good, on-off is not.
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