Anxiety

I'm feeling really anxious and I don't know why.

Just over the last few days mainly, but right now it's really bad.

I don't do weird mood swings. I don't feel things for no reason. I don't get PMS.

I thought the anxiety was over work. And that was why I was waking up in the middle of the night frantic about working out what day it was and what time. And I feel like I'm forgetting something major that I'm supposed to be doing and that's why I can't relax.

I don't know if it's over the you-know-who thing, which is nothing more than me just thinking about something that happened 365 days ago. It feels like it is but I don't know what exactly is bothering me and I think this is what anxiety is. It's like feeling helpless and a bit panicked but I can't understand why because there is no reason.

This has never happened to me before and I'm probably overreacting but

What do I do.

:s

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Okay, I talked to my best friend.

I asked her about it and then about her opinion on sexting. And then she said she had to go so I was like 'okay I need to confess blah blah blah'

And she was like 'I know you sent him pics' and I was like 'oh, that was easy'. So though it was a year ago, and it was nothing even like sexting at all, it kind of occured to me that I did some stuff that was really bad and it wasn't just emotional for me with him. There were moments of 'sexual' flirting and that was so not okay.

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My feelings are so conflicted, I don't even know how to explain.

I feel like that day is so close to the surface in my memories, probably because I played it over and over again in my head with the tag 'most romantic thing that's ever happened to me in my life ever' and the more times you think of something, the more reenforced the neural pathways become.

But it also feels that close because it doesn't feel like much has changed. It has. We don't touch casually now, and I only see him/ talk to him maybe one a week. Sometimes less/ sometimes more but not much. We retain some closeness and we have a comfortable level of friendship but I don't know... sometimes it feels like I could just go to his house, plop down on his lap and be totally just normal, but then other times I like even saying something on facebook is too much and we're like friendship level -3.

In reality, I think we're about level 18. (Yes I recognise that these levels are completely arbitrary, which is ordinal scale measurement). I can talk to him without it being weird, and get into some pretty gritty personal stuff if I felt the urge but there isn't much casualness to our friendship either. He's not the 'ring up on a whim and ask if he wants to do so and so' type.

Part of me wants to talk to him about this guilt I'm feeling. I don't know why though. If it's because I want to remind him, to make myself relevant in that way again, then that's wrong and I'm an awful person. If it's because I just want to talk and make it go away and I think it needs to be a talk with him because no one else could get it... I don't know.

Like, if I was to ask him hypothetically if it's better to talk about something with the person it's about, knowing that they don't want to and it'd make them uncomfortable, or spill all the details to a third party and talk to them instead, I don't know what he'd say. Probably to talk to him, but he wouldn't make it easy. He'd give the long suffering impression and then just wait for me to talk, which really isn't that conducive to discussion.

Anyway, I said hey and he hasn't replied, which I am okay with, so we'll see. I doubt I have the balls to actually tell him that I'm suffering major guilt pains cos its the anniversary of the day he cheated, but you know, who knows. I have a history of telling him some pretty dumb stuff so