Looking back

Tomorrow is a weird date...

A year ago tomorrow, it was the middle of the HSC. I'd spent the night before up til crazy stupid hours in the morning, it being a Friday night, flirting in a crazy hardcore way that I'm kind of shocked by now (how did i do that?), and doing other stuff that I don't even want to share really. It got out of control honestly, it was a boiling a frog in water thing though, I didn't notice the slow degrees.

But anyway, a year ago tomorrow, was the day that was simultaneously the best and worst day of my relationship history. Best in memories, worst in morals.

It's been a year, how odd. This has legitimately the quickest year in memory. Everything changed lifestyle wise. Schooling, home, pets, all of that. But everything else is startlingly the same. I feel really similar. I feel like transport me back a year and nothing would change. I'd act the same and talk the same and make the same decisions.

It frustrates me a bit.

I mean, of course I'd be smarter about you-know-who, but not that much smarter. Maybe enough that I wouldn't spend all night up flirting and pushing everything to the limit and then crossing all sorts of lines tomorrow but that's not so much because I've changed my foundations and morals, it's that I've already done it, it's crossed off the list. It's not necessary now.

I'm looking back at that conversation now. Facebook has changed though and makes it really hard to read old messages quickly, when it was like an 8 hour all nighter, Scrolling back takes forever. But I didn't realise how explicit our flirting level got to. Like, we'd be talking about a miniskirt I own, and he was promising to make me breakfast if I wore it the next day or sent him a pic. (Not in a creepy, sexting way, but still, you know, questionable.) And... I did. And he told me how hot my books and ass looked in it.

I sort of thought I wasn't gonna post any more old convo on this blog but I never realised this conversation was so... how it was.

Me: the things im willing to do to make you shut up
Him: lol well taking one in the skirt now would
u can even put other stuff on lolsjks

Me: *rolls eyes*

Him: u love it

Me: riiiight

Him: lol go on then

hell if it was just the skirt i do believe id fall over dead

Annnnnndddd another one, maybe this should have set off some warning bells.

Me: who's lying now?

 

Him: im just having fun

as r u

n u know me

am i like that

Me: lols i know

Him: n all im saying is that u really shoould bring it cauuuuuuuse i havent seen u in anything dangerous n u keeeeeeep saying u r distracting

sooooooo

i dont know where im going with this

lols

but u shoulds

Me: lol you know im distracting

i gots nothin to prove

Him: lols

just bring it

dnt argue for once lols

Me: what, and do what you tell me? blasphamy!

Him: lol for once

and u know itll be fun

so nerrr

lols u have more than a mini skirt up ur sleeve

n u gotta let loose a bit

reeeeeelax

n just go along with it

much fun

I feel gross reading these. He had (and has) a girlfriend. Why was he going there and why was I? Urgh. I was a bitch for doing this. I was trying to get him to want me. I was trying to get him to fall for me. I was trying to get him to break up with her because I wanted him to be with me.

I can't deny that. 

And I also think, objectively looking back, that he was there mainly for a good time. I was amusing and interesting to him and that's what drew him. It wasn't that he was in love with me or whatever, it was never the same that way.