Fantasies. (of the non sexual kind, get your mind out of the gutter)

I can't sleep.

Well okay,  I only tried for 19 minutes  but for me, that's pretty insomniac.

So here's another log entries for you.

Fantasies.

I'm going to stick mainly to the non sexual kind so don't get any ideas!

I'll just type them as I think/remember them. I'm pretty sure most are pretty straightforward, from a psychoanalysis point of view.

I want to be the small, cute girl that everyone crowds around when she's upset. That follows when she's mad. That gets picked up and chucked in the pool and that people laugh and say 'she's so cute when she's mad'.

That one is totally lame, I know. It includes a) my body issues, when I feel big, I don't feel cute and this fantasy stems from that. The size thing is also a protective thing, I'm not the girl people rush to defend or look out for. I'm not the one people instictively care about. b) I don't even know, because on some level, I hate getting patronised, but part of me wants that kind of attention?

Like I said, these are just those weird, side fantasy things. Things you want and kind of know why, but don't really address.

 I wish I could restart my life, keeping all my skills and knowledge. I don't know if this is common or not. But I want to be so smart. I want to be that child genius and I want to be good at things and I want to prove it. I want to show up people that didn't like me and use my knowledge of the future to set myself up as rich and powerful and not worry about people I was friends with the first time round, that ended up not mattering- I'd go to a different primary school and meet my best friend early and make better impressions on people I know to be good and not worry about the rest.

This is basically me just wanting my life better, and getting heaps of respect, praise, admiration and amazement out of the deal. Also redoing a bunch of embarrassing things.

I have this one fantasy, that is decidedly in my smut folder but it was a lot more than that. It was sort of (and I know this is super lame) an 'I'm the last girl on earth but there's a few guys and eventually I fall in love with them and them with me and they want me.' It's just a plain old 'being desirable and wanted and loved', topped off with angst and hurt/comfort.

I can't think of any more. I know I have more, probably lots more but it is late and I don't usually associate these things all together. I suppose things like being skinny and popular and having heaps of boys liking me and being confident and funny and all, but not really.

Actually I dont know why I'm bothering to psychoanalyse myself, here's a text post that sums up my entire needs/wants/mindset. Well, mine and like 50000 other peoples.

• one third of me: I want a relationship so much, relationships are so cute
• one third of me: sex sex sex I want sex fuck relationships lets be slutty
• one third of me: fuck everyone I hate people 

That's pretty much it.

I want to be loved and love someone and all that relationship crap.

I want sex, being asdfghjkhgf hormones and such, I have needs.

Andddd thirdly,

I just want to stay at home and raise cats because people are exhausting and I like icecream and sleep.

Also, I think I'm putting you-know-who in the mixed brother/lover catagory, which basically means I have no clue which one I want him to be in. I also have a sister/lover catagory, because I can't decide which one someone else belongs in. I can't call myself straight until I figure it out.

Not that I would anyway, I have the hugest crush on Jennifer Lawrence. I would worship that girl if ever I were to meet her. Fucking flawless. Or rather, she's the epitome of the trope 'totally flawed but perfect because of it'.

I suppose another of my fantasies, I consider it my Babysitter's Club fantasy, because it's lame and cute and very 13 year old girl, is to do with this person I hold very near and dear to my heart. She will always be my sister type friend, but in a very non incestuous way, because I used to dream about kissing her. Like, being at a sleepover and pulling her by the hand into her room and just... kissing her on the lips.

That's all honestly. That's what my bisexuality argument basically rests on, that one thing. I don't know what it's saying about me, apart from that. I mean, I've slept cuddled up to this girl a hundred times and joked about it and told her how cute she is when she sleeps and I've danced with her and told her she's beautiful and all that, in the best friends way, because we are. How I feel has never affected my ability to be friends with her, but it isn't something that holds me back, it's just part of how our friendship is because it only shows through in the way I care about her and treat her nicely.

It's not one of those things I desperately want to confess... because I'm not trying to be with her, I don't want that. She's perfectly in love and happy and she loves me as a best friend and I love her like that as well. That position is completely okay with me.

Anxiety

I'm feeling really anxious and I don't know why.

Just over the last few days mainly, but right now it's really bad.

I don't do weird mood swings. I don't feel things for no reason. I don't get PMS.

I thought the anxiety was over work. And that was why I was waking up in the middle of the night frantic about working out what day it was and what time. And I feel like I'm forgetting something major that I'm supposed to be doing and that's why I can't relax.

I don't know if it's over the you-know-who thing, which is nothing more than me just thinking about something that happened 365 days ago. It feels like it is but I don't know what exactly is bothering me and I think this is what anxiety is. It's like feeling helpless and a bit panicked but I can't understand why because there is no reason.

This has never happened to me before and I'm probably overreacting but

What do I do.

:s

-------

Okay, I talked to my best friend.

I asked her about it and then about her opinion on sexting. And then she said she had to go so I was like 'okay I need to confess blah blah blah'

And she was like 'I know you sent him pics' and I was like 'oh, that was easy'. So though it was a year ago, and it was nothing even like sexting at all, it kind of occured to me that I did some stuff that was really bad and it wasn't just emotional for me with him. There were moments of 'sexual' flirting and that was so not okay.

------

My feelings are so conflicted, I don't even know how to explain.

I feel like that day is so close to the surface in my memories, probably because I played it over and over again in my head with the tag 'most romantic thing that's ever happened to me in my life ever' and the more times you think of something, the more reenforced the neural pathways become.

But it also feels that close because it doesn't feel like much has changed. It has. We don't touch casually now, and I only see him/ talk to him maybe one a week. Sometimes less/ sometimes more but not much. We retain some closeness and we have a comfortable level of friendship but I don't know... sometimes it feels like I could just go to his house, plop down on his lap and be totally just normal, but then other times I like even saying something on facebook is too much and we're like friendship level -3.

In reality, I think we're about level 18. (Yes I recognise that these levels are completely arbitrary, which is ordinal scale measurement). I can talk to him without it being weird, and get into some pretty gritty personal stuff if I felt the urge but there isn't much casualness to our friendship either. He's not the 'ring up on a whim and ask if he wants to do so and so' type.

Part of me wants to talk to him about this guilt I'm feeling. I don't know why though. If it's because I want to remind him, to make myself relevant in that way again, then that's wrong and I'm an awful person. If it's because I just want to talk and make it go away and I think it needs to be a talk with him because no one else could get it... I don't know.

Like, if I was to ask him hypothetically if it's better to talk about something with the person it's about, knowing that they don't want to and it'd make them uncomfortable, or spill all the details to a third party and talk to them instead, I don't know what he'd say. Probably to talk to him, but he wouldn't make it easy. He'd give the long suffering impression and then just wait for me to talk, which really isn't that conducive to discussion.

Anyway, I said hey and he hasn't replied, which I am okay with, so we'll see. I doubt I have the balls to actually tell him that I'm suffering major guilt pains cos its the anniversary of the day he cheated, but you know, who knows. I have a history of telling him some pretty dumb stuff so

Looking back

Tomorrow is a weird date...

A year ago tomorrow, it was the middle of the HSC. I'd spent the night before up til crazy stupid hours in the morning, it being a Friday night, flirting in a crazy hardcore way that I'm kind of shocked by now (how did i do that?), and doing other stuff that I don't even want to share really. It got out of control honestly, it was a boiling a frog in water thing though, I didn't notice the slow degrees.

But anyway, a year ago tomorrow, was the day that was simultaneously the best and worst day of my relationship history. Best in memories, worst in morals.

It's been a year, how odd. This has legitimately the quickest year in memory. Everything changed lifestyle wise. Schooling, home, pets, all of that. But everything else is startlingly the same. I feel really similar. I feel like transport me back a year and nothing would change. I'd act the same and talk the same and make the same decisions.

It frustrates me a bit.

I mean, of course I'd be smarter about you-know-who, but not that much smarter. Maybe enough that I wouldn't spend all night up flirting and pushing everything to the limit and then crossing all sorts of lines tomorrow but that's not so much because I've changed my foundations and morals, it's that I've already done it, it's crossed off the list. It's not necessary now.

I'm looking back at that conversation now. Facebook has changed though and makes it really hard to read old messages quickly, when it was like an 8 hour all nighter, Scrolling back takes forever. But I didn't realise how explicit our flirting level got to. Like, we'd be talking about a miniskirt I own, and he was promising to make me breakfast if I wore it the next day or sent him a pic. (Not in a creepy, sexting way, but still, you know, questionable.) And... I did. And he told me how hot my books and ass looked in it.

I sort of thought I wasn't gonna post any more old convo on this blog but I never realised this conversation was so... how it was.

Me: the things im willing to do to make you shut up
Him: lol well taking one in the skirt now would
u can even put other stuff on lolsjks

Me: *rolls eyes*

Him: u love it

Me: riiiight

Him: lol go on then

hell if it was just the skirt i do believe id fall over dead

Annnnnndddd another one, maybe this should have set off some warning bells.

Me: who's lying now?

 

Him: im just having fun

as r u

n u know me

am i like that

Me: lols i know

Him: n all im saying is that u really shoould bring it cauuuuuuuse i havent seen u in anything dangerous n u keeeeeeep saying u r distracting

sooooooo

i dont know where im going with this

lols

but u shoulds

Me: lol you know im distracting

i gots nothin to prove

Him: lols

just bring it

dnt argue for once lols

Me: what, and do what you tell me? blasphamy!

Him: lol for once

and u know itll be fun

so nerrr

lols u have more than a mini skirt up ur sleeve

n u gotta let loose a bit

reeeeeelax

n just go along with it

much fun

I feel gross reading these. He had (and has) a girlfriend. Why was he going there and why was I? Urgh. I was a bitch for doing this. I was trying to get him to want me. I was trying to get him to fall for me. I was trying to get him to break up with her because I wanted him to be with me.

I can't deny that. 

And I also think, objectively looking back, that he was there mainly for a good time. I was amusing and interesting to him and that's what drew him. It wasn't that he was in love with me or whatever, it was never the same that way.

There is one massive upside to being a girl. Well, there's heaps actually, I love being one, but a perk of being female is makeup. Not everyone can be pretty or conventionally attractive or have clear skin etc, but girls can have a fair attempt at hiding that. Average girls can make a lot of difference with make up. Make up is good.

It's not all about hiding flaws either, some people love it for the expression it allows them, or the confidence.

But guys don't really get that. Certainly not in the mainstream. So guys with bad skin, I especially feel bad for, because I wouldn't leave the house with like, one major pimple, unless I was wearing makeup, and I've never had bad skin. But they have no choice. A guy that's a 7/10 or whatever, average, can't ever really change their faces. 

Obviously, the other side of the coin is that women are expected to wear makeup always, are judged for not doing so, have to maintain a costly and time wasting routine, unless they want to stick out. Then girls that wear too much get critised, we get told by guys that they like natural looking girls, but they don't mean no makeup, they just mean 'fix that shit up, we don't want to see it, we just want the effects'. So just as much effort is put in to hide it and make it look natural.

But anyway, that was just supposed to be me thinking about the less attractive guys out there. I feel your pain. Or whatever, if you are like 'wtf, stop giving me sympathy I didn't ask for bitch. We aren't all shallow like you.'

Still, shallow or not, being conventionally attractive does have perks of course. Having a fit body and pretty face can make a lot of difference when meeting people and getting dates.

I don't think it matters so much once you're in a relationship, but you'll be culled out a lot more when you don't look attractive at first glance. Of course, people see past flaws once they like/love you, to an extent, but some people will, no matter how much they like you for your personality, would not be able to commit to you if physically, they weren't attracted to you and therefore didn't see any chemistry there. Still, once personality shines through, you can be surprised by the things that turn you on or that you start to like in that other person. People that totally aren't your type all of a sudden are very sexy and you don't realise until the rose coloured glasses come off that you think '...why.'

With you-know-who it was like that. When I first saw him years and years ago and he was the new kid and I wanted some new faces, I thought 'kinda alright' approvingly, then my best friend said 'meh' and I was like 'oh, okay,' and brought my view down a bit to that. He was just a guy then. Then he was a friend, and I knew people that liked him and I was like, 'yeah okay, to each their own, I guess I can see that'.  But then when I got a crush or love or whatever it was, it was intense attraction to everything. From his hair to his eyes to his smile to his laugh to his voice or shape or skin colour or finger nails, anything. Everything. All of it.

Or to my ex boyfriend, who I dated because well, he was a friend and he gave me butterfly type feelings in my stomach. I think more than anything though, those were 'he likes me' butterflies, rather than attraction butterflies. Because I couldn't really stand his touch. I liked what it represented, so I liked being kissed, and when he had his arms around me kinda but not for its own sake. With you-know-who, it wasn't because it meant something (well it was), but it was also because being close and touching him felt like the best thing ever.

Like, that view of him doesn't change completely. I mean, I look at him and it's like seeing two different things. It's just the filter you choose to look through. Past me used the love filter. Now, I can still use that, just, through the memories. If I look at his hands, I could think 'they are special because I remember thinking they were.' It's almost just sentimentality.

Anyways, that is enough of that, that wasn't where I was meaning to go.

Boysboysboys

Urgh, how do you meet people.

I need to be friends with people that are not friends with everybody else I'm friends with.

Where are the people I know that have friends?

My cousin possibly, I should make her introduce me to hot boys. Or my other cousin who's a year younger, but out of high school, so maybe that wouldn't matter so much.

Who else....

That's kind of it.

Well not really, my ex has made heaps of friends, and Corey has friends and you-know-who has friends... why do no girls I know have friends. You know, the ones that I can actually ask.

Urgh.

Why do I not have friends.

Well I do, but mostly all girls. Netball girls and basketball girls (and some boys but wrong ages), and boot camp girls and Zumba girls and work girls.. hmm. What can I do about this? What's a guy thing I can join and meet boys my age? Not through Tumblr, I love it to death but it's overruled by girls... I need real life things. And it has to be through something that will give me the right kind of guys, you know? Drunk off their faces guys are beyond unappealing.

Next semester, scheduling allowed, I will have to try to involve myself in more sport at uni, when it's free and people just play pick up games. Soccer might be an option. What else...

I do try to involve myself in things  but not the right kinds of things for meeting people of the male variety. Because I do now actually want that.

I mean, I of course maintain that I'm an independent blank woman who don't need no man, but it would be nice to have a person for me again. It's not a selfish thing, like 'I want someone to add to my self esteem and be there for me and talk to me!' etc, it's more that I'm just in the right place for it. I'm ready to be able to schedule someone into my life and take time to think about someone else and that kind of courtship, you know? Plus the sooner I get a boyfriend, the sooner I get to have sexytimes and while before I was like, you know, I'm happy where I am, I'm looking forward to one day getting there with a loving and respectful partner... but now in a much more practical sense, I want someone to grind with cos I have urges and I'm an adult. I mean, obviously, I still want it in the same sense I did before, but now I want it more than emotionally.

I would be a good girlfriend. Honestly I would, if I were given the chance with the right person. I could be sickeningly cute. Well maybe not, I'd still probs tell them that I hate them a lot and that I don't know why I'm dating them but I'd make sure to kiss them afterwards so they knew I didn't mean it. And I'd probably still be immature and step on their foot to get their attention and steal their things to make them chase me but it'd do it with love.

Really, I just want a chance to be in a good relationship. I've had bits and pieces, with my ex, with you-know-who, but not altogether or all at once.

So I'm going to go looking to find that.

I don't like the military.

I have some respect for soldiers, but when I say some, I mean very limited. It almost feels like one of those things that people say because people will judge them if they don't. We learnt about that in psych- I have my exam in a week, I should know the term. Global bias?

Because honestly, I don't respect people that go off to wars to 'protect' us back home by killing and injuring and creating an atmosphere of fear and destruction. Why would I? I gather that I'm supposed to because soldiers are brave and are doing shit that I couldn't and wouldn't do, putting their lives at risk for the overall betterment of the world. It's just, I don't think they really do. Better the world, I mean. I accept that they do put their lives at risk.

I watch NCIS, I love NCIS and I appreciate the respect they always manage to add to the show, but... I don't share the views, though I can understand the 'don't respect the war, but respect the people fighting it' idea.

I think it's the whole hierarchical thing that really gets on my nerves the most. I'm independent and I don't respect authority, as a general rule. It has something to do with a misplaced superiority complex, a high IQ and despite crippling shyness and a high intolerance for adults being disappointed or mad at me (I cry, I can't help it), I have an even higher disregard for people who think they know better than me. 

Maybe they do, maybe they don't, it's not the point. My right to choose, to be informed, to have absolute autonomy over my decisions and rights and actions... those are the nearest and dearest values to my heart. Having people tell me what to do and how to do it, even if it's arbitrary (especially if it's arbitrary) is beyond 'not my idea of a good time' into nightmare zone. If someone tells me to jump, my question is never going to be how high, it's going to be why, and what's your authority over me, and why aren't you jumping too?

The book I'm reading right now (I put it down to write this), is called 'The Soldier's Wife' and is about the husband coming home after 6 months in Afghanistan and the repercussions on the entire family. It's a family drama first and foremost, but the whole Army wife idea (while it squicks me out) interests me enough to make my buy the book. Not because I think it's legit or I'm getting 'I want a military boyfriend' niggles, it's the opposite. I was interested in a book opening a dialogue about how shit it is and the arguments for and against.

I'm going to get on a feminist rant here- this would piss one of my friends off, who's into all this military stuff- I wonder if there's a link there... but the military is like one giant boys club. He tries to tell me this is not true, but I respectfully disagree. He tells me 'my this or that is female' and while of course I'm pleased to hear about some gender diversity in this modern military world, it isn't equal and it won't be for a very long time yet. In lots of countries women aren't allowed in combat, almost never in special ops, all higher ups are male pretty much, as in politics and other old boys clubs, and I just don't respect the culture at all. I tried, but nope.

I get this argument against feminism occasionally, that women can't be conscripted, and that's a form of female privilege. I agree, but while I support no conscription, if there is conscription, I support it for both genders. I'd be hypocritical if I didn't. I mean, I'd fucking burn down the Government if they tried to make me into a soldier and I'd make some conscientious objector/ pacifism argument... though those two things don't seem to go together  (pacifism and burning down things).

It's not that I have absolutely no understanding of how the military works. I read, I read a lot, all the time. No, I don't have military experience- why would I, I hate the military, but I do have knowledge and some idea of how stuff works. Also I did pay quite a bit of attention to my friend when he talks about it. He likes to think I never listen to a word he says but not true. I'm open minded enough to take his views under some form of consideration, even if I have no plans to change my opinion.

With the American election coming up, I spent some time thinking about what I think about government/military relations and basically, in America, not necessarily here, military spending is far out ridiculous. And I understand that it is 'preventative' and that if war breaks out, I'm going to wish I was American where everybody owns a gun and they have a billion tanks and nuclear weapons. But until then, I don't like it. I don't think it solves problems, for every country to be amassing an armada of weapons. If humans destroy the world, it isn't going to be because of global warming, it's going to be nuclear war. I'm pretty keen for that not to happen.

Meeeeee

I like my friends.

I don't like my house.

I like my university.

I don't like my body.

I like my brain.

I don't like my social awkwardness.

I like my ability to find joy in little things.

I don't like my lack of self control.

I like my ability to run.

I don't like my mediocrity.

I like the way I can be brave and try new things.

I don't like how selfish I am.

I like that I'm low maintenance.

I don't like that phone calls cause me about an 8 on the anxiety scale.

I like that I'm not afraid to feel things intensely.

I don't like that I'm lazy.

I like that I have strong beliefs.

I don't like that I feel like I don't always have much to offer.

I like that I like sport.

I don't like that I sweat and look gross after barely any exertion.

I like that I can please myself and don't rely on other people for feel happy or good about myself.

I don't like that I'm a follower.

But.

Just overall.

I do like me.

I mean, it's definitely a mix but there aren't many people I'd rather be.

I have crippling shyness and a tonne of insecurities and I can be kind of a bore, but I do think I have some special-ness in me.

I think I accept myself and love myself despite the bad stuff. I'm not perfect. I don't look perfect or speak perfectly or have amazing talents but I'm not worthless or not worth loving I think.

I am surrounded by people that care for me every day and I appreciate that so much. Even when I think I don't deserve it, I have friends that call me, or hug me or tell me they miss me or ask to hang out. I have a mother that loves me, though she tells me that my hair looks atrocious (right now it does lol) and a Dad that cares about me very much. I have a family that loves and supports me and is proud of me.

If I committed murder, I could probably scrounge up at least a few people to bury the body with me and if that isn't comforting, I don't know what is.

So yeah, this is me and right now I'm kinda okay with it. So here, have a picture of me pulling the weirdest face I could.

Sexy ay

hahahahaha

Article

Wowee, this is a great article [x] It's about street harrassment and generally being hit on. I didn't actually realise that what what it was talking about until halfway through, but it made some great points that I'd never thought about before. I might come back and talk about them later but I just wanted to share it.

ex-oh-ex-oh
Lucy

Feminist post wheeeeee

“A woman’s worst nightmare? That’s pretty easy. Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, “They are afraid women will laugh at them.” When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, “We’re afraid of being killed.”

I've seen this post on Tumblr lots and lots of times before. It has a whole lot of commentary too, but I didn't want to copy and paste all that, but if there's any men reading my blog, I encourage you to take a look. [x]

It's true though. You don't think about it or always realise it but that's what the fear is, a lot of the time. My best friend won't go down to the parking garage at my house by herself in case someone rapes/kills her. I tense up whenever I pass a man when I'm out, if it's after 6pm. I feel uncomfortable sitting next to men on public transport. My friends and I are all taught to watch each other get into our cars and not go until the other person is safely inside.

Ect.

I remember when I had this whole existantial crisis, when my friends started getting facial hair and getting tall and becoming, dare I say, 'men'.

I'll admit partially it was just like, wtf, we're too young for this, these people are idiots. But there was something more to it. I remember one guy, that is quite seriously strong and I remember feeling actually intimidated by them and that's a sucky feeling.

It's one of those gender issues that's really at the heart of it. Men and women are not the same, so what do we do about it?

I think acknowledgement (by men) is what's really needed. Women know this stuff, we're raised to know this stuff, it's just general psyche, even if we don't always realise it, cos it's that ingrained. But men need to know, in a way that is productive. In a completely healthy society, one without rape and physical threat from men, what needs to happen isn't that men are no longer the physically stronger sex, that's just biology, I think it's neccessary that in general, while men are going to have that advantage and the capacity to use it in destructive ways, that they are taught directly by society and what is deemeed socially acceptable, so that that fear will go away for women.

And if that's too much to ask for, I think men stop needing to be 'but what about the menz?' when it comes to things like women's spaces, or mocking women for always traveling in groups, or acknowledge the bunch of restrictions or inconveniences we have to put up with in order to feel safe.

Having a blog is weird.

Originally it was just about expressing myself- and don't get me wrong, it still is- but originally, no one I knew read it. Technically, no one read it at all lol.

Nowadays, writing on this blog isn't writing to no audience and I don't write freely. I do take into consideration who is reading and who could be reading, which is anyone really. I do censor myself of course. I don't go to too much trouble about names and such, though I tried to cut out the important one. Now I do it if it's in reference to anything beyond friendship but don't censor it out otherwise. I refer to some people by other titles, if I have them. Best friend/ex/bffl/friend/group etc but I don't do that consistently, because it can be difficult.

I don't bitch about people specifically here, apart from the obvious. I don't talk too much about sex or very honestly. Even about the stuff I talk about here a lot I don't usually give the whole story. There are of course things that I've never shared about all that. There are obviously secrets I keep and things that worry me and things I stress over like hell. Right now I'm incredibly anxious over a whole bunch of things and I can't do much about it. Sometimes I try, but it's too hard.

The thing about what I blog is that I blog the easy stuff. That's why I don't have much problem with people reading it. It's not that my blog doesn't have some deep stuff about myself, but it's nothing I'd really hesitate to talk about. I'm pretty open and so all the stuff I've talked about fits into that box.

I was thinking about this earlier today. My three closest confidants I suppose you could say, are my bffl, my ex and you-know-who. You-know-who and my ex are sort of best friends but they have that guy-friendship without much depth in my opinion. Maybe it had depth at one point but now, not so much. Also I can't really talk about one with the other. You-know-who gets kicks out of pushing me towards him which not only pisses me off, but makes him impossible to talk about my actual issues there, when he'd love to write it all off as sexual tension or me denying repressed feelings. I can't talk to my ex about you-know-who, just because well, I broke up with him at least partly due to my feelings for you-know-who and just generally, the fact that I fell much harder and faster for you-know-who, when I never loved my ex that way. Plus they're best friends so.

Then since you-know-who and I were close for that period and he did share stuff with me, I obviously can't talk about that and never have with my best friend. I mean, she got most of it, the non confidential stuff, and like obviously, the first thing I thought to do when I got home after kissing him was an hour phone call then a few more hours on chat breaking it down with her (sue me, I like to talk things out), but other stuff, that makes him easier to explain and justify, I can't tell her so she'd never understand exactly what I'm thinking in regards to him. Also she hates him.

He hates her too, so obviously, I could never bitch about her to him because he'd just agree with me and take it as proof that she's a bitch.

That's when I have to spread out and get  comfort or understanding from other people. I think I do this too much, like tell someone something, then tell someone else, or tell them partly, or bitch about another issue. Then I feel like a gossip because I can't just tell Mia everything and keep everything two-people confidential. I blog and tell other friends, or something, cos no one but me gets the full story you know?

Friends

Wheeeeeeee.

See, here's the thing about diet and exercise.

When you do a bunch of exercise, you don't want to eat junk. You just don't. You aren't bored or hungry, you're pumped up and happy. So, when your body is allowed and encouraged to eat more, you don't want it. But come the days you don't want to exercise, all you want to do is sit around and watch TV and eat a whole packet of something chocolate-y.

Which defeats the point.

Anyway, today was really good :) Woke up at 7am (on a Saturday, which sucks, but I've paid for it so I have to) and went to boot camp. It's not that hard, like, I don't feel like it's that awful, but it does mix it up for me and lifting tyres and sandbags and weights is cool. I like weights. Muscle is good. I like feeling strong.

Then I went to hang out with a group of friends. That was sorta boring, I don't have much in common with them, but it was great to see people that I haven't seen in ages and I missed. My friend is going to Holland for a whole year now, where her boyfriend lives, and so I'm probably not going to see her again for a long time. So I'm obviously glad I went.

Then I went to a Zumba thing, which went for about 2 and a half hours. It was a charity event for breast cancer, so there was Zumba instructors from all over the area there, all doing a few songs each. So that was lots of fun, though I felt a bit sick half way through. I don't know why, but I just felt queasy. Same at boot camp, except then it felt like cramps, and I don't get cramps. My best friend Jess, who I don't see much, except now we do boot camp together, was there so that was nice. I mean, it's mostly nonstop dancing but just hanging out is nice.

Last night I was hanging out with my bffl. We were doing a make up assignment, after being caught for plagiarism, for too much collaboration when we did the original assignment. I don't know why we did this one partly together then, considering it's exactly what we did last time with results that could have fucked up our whole uni experience. But she has the textbook cos I'm cheap and didn't buy it so I needed to work with her, and we tried really hard to just check answers, not have anything else done the same except by coincidence. But even so, we use basically the same method for things, because our knowledge of stats is basically just our combined understanding. We do all our work together in class and only ask each other when we don't understand. So really, if we do something wrong, we'll both have done it.

But either way, we spent a long 4-5 hours on it, after already doing it or 5ish hours that day. It's not done yet but we plan to turn our respective assignments in on Monday. They aren't due for two weeks technically but we want to show that we're serious. Hopefully he doesn't take it as us rushing the assignments, but we haven't thus far, we have put in considerable effort. Like, a lot. And he basically just added heaps of questions because he wants us to learn the material and study and make something good out of an error in judgement.

Anyways, the reason I actually brought last night up was because I was thinking about how effortless it was to spend that long just chatting away. Like, for example, I see her about 4-5 days a week, for extended periods of time. On Mondays in lecture/class, for 2.5 hours, plus chatting afterwards, then Tuesdays in lecture/class then I walk to her house after uni, we have dinner, then we go to hangdog for 2/3 hours. Then she'll drive me home and maybe stay for awhile to watch How I Met Your Mother. , then if we don't hang out on Wednesday out of uni, I see her in our lecture that night, and i generally drive her home. Then on Thursdays, I see her in lecture and maybe break. Then on Friday if she doesn't bug me to go running or something, I generally go to her house after dinner and we study for a few hours, which generally ends up eventually just hanging out in her room watching Modern Family or Big Bang or HIMYM or Glee. Then we sometimes make weekend plans too. Or plans involving other people too. Or lunch or something. Plus we text and chat and ring etc.

Like, literally, I see this girl all the time. But I seriously didn't realise how much until right now. Because she's so easy to be around I guess. Duh, that's why we're best friends. But I literally cannot tell you what we actually talk about. I saw a thing on Tumblr yesterday though that was like 'how I'm friends with my friends' and it was like 50% insult based humour, 30% pun based humour, 15% same taste in music and 5% deep connection and understanding.  That's pretty true I think. The amount of insults that get hurled around is very high. Actually she says it's because I'm just local, I'm way more convenient than another friend who lives in Shellharbour. But I think that's the insult based humour coming out.

Anyways, she's great. She's kind of a contradiction because she has that 'pretty and popular' vibe, and I mean, she is, but she actually is kind of a hermit that likes to hang out on Tumblr and watching Tv shows online and on other funny meme sites. Plus obviously she's a nerd. So we get along great, but we're different enough that we complement each other I think. We're generally on the same wave length, but we also approach things very differently and she's loud and outspoken but I have firmer beliefs in some things.

The point of this explanation of my bffl was this. Like 6 months ago when we went more hermit, she was like 'you and my bf are like the only people I can be bothered to actually organise to see, everyone else is like meh.'

And now I'm kinda feeling the same way. I mean, I don't have a bf and I do hang out with lots more people (social butterfly award goes to mwa) but most of the time, it's like 'meh, I guess I should go see them or hang out with her, or talk to him, or whatever, but I'm not actually crazy enthusiastic.' Like, my good/best (I have too many best friends, I don't know how to describe them). Though I was thinking about this today and she's more like my sister than my best friend. We don't hang out all the time, but I love her in the most forever way, if you know what I mean? Like family, I'm never going to let her drift away for good? So I'm always cool to hang out with her, as well as my bffl. But everyone else? Meh.

Forgiveness

Everything has been looking up on the love front. I'm not into you-know-who, but we're talking a bit. I've been deleting a lot of my writing which is pretty major for me. Writing is super hard for me to say goodbye to, but lots of it just didn't seem relevant or good anymore. Included in that list is all the blog entries of this blog from before March/April. A good 50/100k words, I don't remember, but however much they meant at the time, they don't mean that now. They're still in my trash though.

I also deleted some other stuff. It's me, I have heaps of stories and things. I got rid of the worst stuff. Lots of the friends stuff. Not all of it. Some of it I'm really attached to still, the stuff I wrote when I was 16, about lots of different people etc. I deleted the later continuations of it, which I'd separated into a separate document ages ago cos it was more squicky and weird. It was an odd story because it sort of just changed male lead depending on who I was into or who I thought was interesting. So it's okay in it's oldest version, when it was just meaningless crushes.

I've also been thinking about forgiveness. My friend that's pregnant, her boyfriend, also my friend, has pretty much taken a giant step back and (sorry, problematic term) decided not to man up and take responsibility at all. He told me yesterday 'It's completely within your rights to hate me Lucy.'

And I just said, I don't really hate people. It's true.

I mean, I hate what he's doing and I don't respect him or his decision at all in this situation, but... I don't hate him. He's the guy that always treated me well. Who used to argue with me over who had better scabies in Year 9. Who, three years in a row, skied behind me at ski trip on the hard runs so when I stacked, I'd have someone to get me back up, even when I was this close to giving up and freaking out. He was the guy who encouraged me to get drunk the first time and showed me what to do. How can I hate that?

My best friend was actually sort of the same reaction, but for different reasons. I have personal investment in their situation because I'm good friends with the girl and I care about her life and well being. Whereas my bffl is friends with her, but in that weird girl way where you're friendly, but actually don't like the person at all. So she's like 'well I can't be mad at him, he didn't do anything to me.'

But if you recall, which you probably don't, now that this blog is missing some serious content, my best friend hates you-know-who with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

Since he neither knocked me up or did anything to her directly, I thought that was a weird position to take considering. But she's like 'yeah, but you're my best friend.'

Which is kind of sweet. But also, seriously, I got messed around, this girl got pregnant and ditched. I feel like they are on different levels here.

I mean, I don't hate him. Same as with that girls girlfriend, I always think about the nice things. The talks, the jokes, the plans, the hugs, you know, all that stuff does count.

She just thinks he's a dick (it's mutual- which is annoying for me) and I get threatened to get hit over the head with a laptop if I mention talking to him, but honestly, I know him better than her and while she's sometimes right, I'm sometimes right too.

I wonder if they'd ever have been friends if all of this didn't happen. I mean, they vaguely were, in the group way. But they aren't that different. Like, I love them both, they aren't bad people. They're the best, mostly.  They're just strong personalities. I know the things I like in you-know-who aren't things she can appreciate and you-know-who wouldn't appreciate Mia for all the reasons I do. Mia and I work because she's quite domineering and I need that, but she encourages me to be more than just a follower. Whereas Austin is a strong personality but in a way that clashes with mine, so it's automatic to be more outgoing. With him, I can take the lead more in conversation and things, even if I still defer on some stuff. With Mia, I'm able to be confident because I'm comfortable with her, and because she encourages me to be.

I don't know, it frustrates me that they never could be friends. They are the people that make it the easiest for me to be wholly myself. With other friends, either I have to spare their feelings or act in a certain way but... I don't know. Not with them.

I think what he dislikes about her is her complete lack of tact and just that she's so outright and doesn't respect privacy. Like, he's private. He doesn't share secrets easily, or gossip.  He doesn't go begging after info if something happens. Even if it's interesting, he's usually last to know things cos he doesn't search it out. I couldn't be like him, not talking to anyone when stuff happens. I need to talk things out, and Mia does too. It's natural I think, but more for females I think, whether evolutionary or socially constructed.

Mia's more simple, she doesn't like him cos he was a selfish bastard who broke my heart. It's not fair, exactly. I think it's mostly that. I suppose just in general she doesn't really find him interesting or funny or anything either, but I think it's just that she feels he 'just did what he wanted' in regards to last year and everything. I used quotation marks cos that's actually a phrase of his, talking about someone else's cheating. I told him I didn't want to discuss the morality of cheating but it's hard not to see the hypocrisy that was coming out there. It's not that she's completely wrong, but she's not right either.

Oh well, the odds of them ever being friends is close to nil. Such is life.

I've been thinking a bit about this weight loss thing.

I've been trying for ages now. All year honestly, on and off. I'd never really thought about it before. I wouldn't say I was happier- but there is some comfort in ignorance. Now, I can still make shitty decisions about food and diet and exercise, only I do it with informed consent.

That can be pretty bad.

You know that inner voice that tells you what to do? Well really, I don't know about everyone, I'm trying to be more aware of people that aren't neurotypical, and also the fact that even people being classified neurotypical doesn't mean that we all think alike, but just in general, I have a voice in my head all the time. I'm not crazy, that's the voice of Lucy. The inner-Lucy. Mind-of-Lucy. The thinking-feeling-decision making part. The what-makes-Lucy-Lucy part.

It can be pretty darn impulsive. Sometimes it's like there's two minds. The regular one that's on my side and it's like 'this is such a bad idea' when I walk to my cupboard and eye the biscuit tin. But then the rest of my mind is like 'well too bad, I'm standing here and I control the body bitch. Fuck you." So the normal Lucy is like, well, can't argue with that logic, this part of the mind is pretty weak. I could stop you but well, I'm not gonna. After all... cookie.

I know exactly what I'm doing when I eat junk or binge or whatever. I know.  So the fact that I do it anyway is horrifying. Why do I?

Like, right now I'm committed to the cause. It's been a pretty good day, and I'm not hungry right now. But in the morning it won't be like that, I'll still be eating my cereal but I'll be thinking about my yogurt or something and even though I only finished my cereal 20 minutes ago and don't need to eat for a few hours, that yogurt is gonna end up in my stomach pretty darn soon.

Or I'll be sitting at Uni at 4pm, knowing that I have half an hour until I need to go to class and even then, no dinner until 6 and I had lunch (which was basically just fruit or yogurt) ages ago and all I have is 2 pieces of fruit and the smell of subway. I usually beat this one, but not always.

Or like, at Hangdog on Tuesdays, which I do every week, there is free pizza at about 7:30/8pm. Everyone can grab 2/3 pieces. I never do though, because it's just habit not too, my bffl would judge me and I've already had dinner. So it's not even a thought process forming to do it, because I never formed that bad habit. If I could just delete some of my other bad habits, life would be a lot easier for me.

Another thing is, I feel like I eat more/more frequently than other people. Like, if I pull out food sometime, I feel like noone else is even thinking about food at all, and they are just happy going about in their lives, while I'm struggling to keep my mind off lunch. But I mean, I think that's just a 'happens to everyone' type thing. Like, when I'm on the bus and I'm in a hurry, I'm paying heaps of attention and cursing and stressing every slight delay and no one else is even caring. But it's the opposite when I'm not late, I don't even think of it, let along see if anyone else is.

I'm not saying other people have the issues with food that I do, but since I only notice when I'm conscientious or defensive, my picture isn't perfectly clear.

Anyway, going to sleep now.

Honest or not?

Do you think it's mean to tell someone you love them if you aren't sure it's reciprocated?

Like, putting that pressure on them? Is it okay to do it?

I've been on both sides of this I think, so my opinion is pretty valid as far as my personal experience goes.

No, no it's not mean. If you love someone, tell them. At most, it'll be awkward.

Is creating awkwardness for someone really more important overall than the impact it's going to have on you for telling them? No. I've had a boyfriend tell me he loves me and I responded to that the only way I, in my infinite maturity (sarcasm) could. I ignored it. Or said thanks. Or awkward smiled.

But it never pressured me to say it back.

I'm going to be a bitchy girl now but this is the truth.

When a guy says that to you, a guy that is 100x more devoted to you than you are to them, the power difference is too big and it gives you absolutely all the power and honestly, it's such a turn off. The only upside is the self esteem boost and like, okay, perks of having someone there for you, but it's not really satisfying? My best friend and I were joking about this a few hours ago, about confrontation and how in my psyc stats book there was a study done on gender differences when in a conversation, who interrupts whom. Apparently, in male-female pairs, men interrupt women 97 percent of the time.
And people still believe that this is a post sexism/ post feminist world.
But personally, as my best friend put it, most of the boys I hang around with are pushovers (including ex, who, and I could write a whole entry on this, but gets so incredibly stressed when we debate because I can't stop talking over him- even though its fb chat, that we can't do it) and it's awfulllll.

Well, I mean, no, it's not. People are who they are. It's just... I'm shy and I can't talk well when I'm out with most people. I'm always on the edge in groups, apart from in my actual group, then I'm in the middle. My actual group isn't particularly better than my other friends, but my comfort level is much higher. I can choose what to do and say and wear and talk about and it's nice.

I may have spoken briefly about this when I wrote the entry talking about if guys with gfs are more attractive, but it's not that. I'm using this as an example but what I got from you-know-who, that I didn't get from others... was indifference.

No, that's wrong. I like interest, and he was interested, but not completely. 

To quote the new Taylor Swift song (god I love Taylor Swift), "I guess you didn't care.... and I guess I liked that, and when I fell hard, you took a step back..."

I'm not saying it's healthy but I think there has to be some wiggle room in a relationship/ mutual crush.

Neither person should be going to give in completely to the other one. That's what's exciting. Competition, arguments, for me, that's flirting of the highest order cos that's what attracts me to people. Intelligence, competence and passion for things.

I also think that without something to work towards, especially in the early stages before you get with someone, just makes it more exciting. When you have guys that you know are into you and pretty much would just be with you if you decided to be with them, it's like, I guess I could go there...fun....I guess.

I guess the middle ground of 'would give you the time of day' and 'doesn't follow you around like a puppy dog' is what I like.

Now for the other more lame side of this, the times I've confessed feelings without waiting for them to be there first. Now, I'm not particularly adventurous when it comes to this sort of thing. I hate being the first to admit to feelings. But I've done it and honestly, I didn't have to but I wanted to. It didn't really make things that much weirder and it was honest.

Maybe for him, it put me in the second catagory, the non sexy puppy one, but such is life.

Although, thinking further on this, here's some best friend wisdom for y'all.

Me: I dont know what to do

Bffl: Look, don't tell him anything
say goodnight
 honestly

Me: i didnt mean i was gonna just outright type 'hey, btw, im still rly into you. date me

Bffl: i can bet you anything that he will not want to be with you now
i don't wanna be mean
i love you

Me: okay

Bffl: and hes an idiot for not

but
you need to realise that right now hes cocky
and it freaked out

Me: okay

Bffl: coz he thought it was friendly flirting
he was testing you
now he kinda thinks he knows
don't let him have the upper hand

Me: why does it always have to be a power struggle

Bffl: BECAUSE THATS WHAT IT IS

I'll leave you to ponder on that. Actually, let me know in the comments what you think about this. Is my best friend right? I don't know. In a practical sense I think so, but also it's so annoying to have to be cagey and lie about your feelings to the last person you want to lie to.

Step in a positive direction

So this very nearly doesn't warrant an entry but it's just that bit too... relevant I suppose, to not mention here, as for obvious reasons it's better than mentioning this to Mia.

So I talked to you-know-who last night. He's been really drifting away from the group in a major way, and you know me, queen of overthinking and insecurity, the best I could really do about it was try to start a conversation about once a month. That's where my limit is. I have a fear of being thought of as crazy when it comes to him, mostly because it probably hits too close to home as I've done some pretty crazy things, most of which are this blog. But whatever.

He was online, I was talking to my good friend who used to be my bestie until we drifted, and it did make me think about the bridges I was possibly burning with him if I didn't try harder. I mean, he's burning them too but you know, semantics. Bottom line, if I want to be friends, I have to put effort in. That's life, I've learn this past year.

But we talked, honest to goodness, for a bunch of hours. I mean, there were a few lulls when conversation stopped and there'd be a bit of a break until someone restarted it, but he did half the work, which is not something I can always say about him. It wasn't a dumb conversation, or a shallow one, if you know what I mean? Like, eventually once you get past the how are you? good u? good. barrier, then you can actually have meaningful conversation and that's what I've missed about him.

It's the first time it's happened since I'm really over him I guess, and it's easy to see the affect that has on conversation. I mean, he affects it too but now that we're both leaning in the same direction, though awkward at points, because honestly, we talk about relationships and exes and things a lot, it worked.

I don't know how I feel to tell you the truth. I'm sure I don't like him like that anymore, even surer that I'm not angling in that direction, and I know we always get on better online than in person when it comes to communication and things that matter, but.... I'm trying to do this completely honestly. I still get, is butterflies the right word? When I see in the flashing facebook tab that you-know-who 'has messaged you', it still gives me a pleasant feeling that isn't how I normally feel when I see a message.

I still consider what I say to him quite carefully, same as ever. Sometimes to make sure I'm skirting the right lines of friendship, but also just to say the right/best things.

Okay, that's it. Oh, except we were up til like quarter to 4 and then I overslept and missed a lecture. Oops.

It's the first time I've done that- miss a lecture accidently. But the talking thing, we've done that a billion times. This time last year we were doing it all the time. I remember staying up til like 3, the night before my biology HSC. It didn't affect it or anything, but not exactly the smartest choice I've ever made.

It's just, he's busy so unless it's late at night, it's hard to get a conversation out of him. It's not more than that.
-----
Okay, damnit. I've been dwelling.

What if it is more than that? I don't even know what spurned this exactly. I was reading sweet/angsty Destiel fic, after the new episode came out (DESTIEL HUGGED) and I've just been feeling reminince-y I guess. Like, in the fic they're kissing and I'm like omfg I want that again.

And see, the thing is, he isn't that good looking. But (and I thought I was over this) he's... how to describe it. Sexy.

I feel weird using that word.

Idk, my memory is flashes. Like, it's not about an overall picture, it's just like a bunch of small elements that rush together and get me hot. I did think I was over it.

I am over him.

This is just....yeah.

------

So we talked again last night. After the fail that was waking up yesterday morning was, I ended it about 2am, rather than 3am, but same type thing. It's nice.

I've also realised something else.

Human nature dictates that our memories preserve bad things a lot more often than good things. It's self preservation, so we remember not to do things that hurt us again. So it's way easier to remember bad things than good things. What I have realised however, when it comes to you-know-who, I don't remember bad things at all. It's why I give him free passes a lot. Sure, this time 3 weeks ago I'd pretty much given up on us being friends anymore, because he didn't give a damn and conversations with him made me feel worse coming out of them.

But spend, I don't know, two nights, 8 hours, talking, and I'm happy to forget all that like it never happened.

I wish we talked regularly though, not like crazy for a week, then not for another month. Healthy friendship is good, on-off is not.

omg

A good friend of mine is preggers. Knocked up. Up the duff. Expecting. With child. Bun in the oven. Eating for two.

It's insane.

I'm 18 by the way. She's 19, but only just.

Her boyfriend has broken up with her for deciding to not get an abortion- against his opinion.

Honestly that's the part I'm most disappointed by. I mean, yeah, it sucks that they were stupid enough to get lax on protection- though 80% of unplanned pregnancies occur while the couple is on at least some form of contraception. But to leave your girlfriend pregnant, after a long relationship that had problems but was committed and loving... that's something I can't excuse or forgive.

It's a game changer. This will affect the rest of her life. Every part of it. In heaps of awful ways. She's going to have to grow up majorly and she's not going to be able to be much of a kid anymore. It's sad that this has happened of course.

Obviously we have to hope that her boyfriend comes round and will support her in full capacity, as father of the child, but to be honest, though my respect levels for this guy were pretty high until now, to me, anyone who could leave someone the way he did can't be trusted to be there. If he left once, he could do it again.

And the guy I kind of had a thing for, he's taken her boyfriends side. So crush over. Which is probably a good thing.

I mean, I can accept heaps of things, but sexism isn't on that list. Some things, like my boyfriend accepting that unplanned pregnancy means it's my decision whether to carry the baby to term or abort the fetus, but that I expect to have his full support either way, are just expected for me honestly. If they want to have sex with me, that's the contract. Simple as. Women's rights 101. My body, my choice.

Honestly, I think that childbearing is the reason that men became the dominant sex originally. It's weird that.

Anyway, that's the prominent thing I've been thinking about this week. It's crazy to have something that  I kind of had ideas and opinions about come to life in front of me. Obviously I've been debating it with people for the last few days but still! It's insane.

Also, if you read this blog and know me in real life (you know who you are!), don't spread rumours or gossip or hypothesis about who I'm talking about. This is still sensitive information.

Brittana Break Up.

Okay so Brittana broke up.

If you don't know who Brittana is, please direct your eyes to the right. Those kissing girls? That's Brittana.

I love Brittana. I stay up blogging about Brittana. I watch youtube videos and get warm fuzzy feelings and spend time telling my mum about them and making her watch their scenes and bitching about Fox and lack of physical contact and discrimination because of fucking right wing politics and immature idiots and ignorant bigots who don't understand the world and/or what love and human nature is.

Brittana is love.

And they broke up today. So did Klaine mostly, plus Finchel (but I was cheering for that one).

What I'm saying is that it sucks and I had hope it wouldn't go down that way and I've been trying to prepare myself and I fell asleep last night listening to a Brittana playlist and I texted all my friends THIS IS NOT A DRILL etc once I finished watching and I've been reblogging like crazy since i finished watching and rewatching.

BUT

I'm not that upset.

I'm just not.

I feel like everyone else is (on Tumblr). They're all going batshit crazy and one was just like (that spurned this entry) "but like im not okay i wasnt even this emotional when ive broken up with real people"

AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE THAT. Well, actually, I do. I feel exactly like I did when I broke up with real people. Nothing.

At all.

It's just... I can be so fucking emotionless. I want to be crazy and controlled by emotions sometimes. I feel accomplished when I cry, I feel vindicated when I break down, I feel like I'm proving something.

Because being apathetic is shit.

I love being carried and pulled and directed by emotion. I love following my heart, I love getting too involved. Feeling bad is better than logically just shrugging and thinking 'well, logic logic excuse logic."

Feeling that way was a major factor in the Austin thing. It's a major factor in most romantic ventures of mine. It goes 'I want a relationship" "but i don't feel anything" "maybe if I do it anyway, I'll feel something sooner or later" GET TOGETHER THEN BREAK UP "I want to feel something" "but this is wrong" "who cares, I FEEL something" DO SOMETHING DUMB AND EMOTIONAL AND MORALLY WRONG. "well, shit."

I feel like that now, like, I feel just as apathetic as I did when I ended my last relationship. Well, I felt relief then. Though actually, I feel that now as well. I knew their relationship was going to crash. I'd been spoiled that much. And now at least I know the damage.

Sigh.

PS Also I have a crush on one of my best friends kthxbye

Week 4

New beginnings, that's what this move should represent, rather than the destruction of my life which is how it has felt. I know this mainly has to do with losing the puppies, but the breakdown of good eating habits, feeling lethargic and like a fish out of water (Thank you, Year 7 English), living in an apartment that I have to actually plan to leave the house, because otherwise I won't step outside, due to having an elevator and not being bothered. I need to clean up my act, clean up and unpack all my clothes,  decorate my room a bit, make my bed, open the blinds, put all the rubbish and evidence of bad eating in the bin, get up my motivation posters. Not right now because I have homework to do and uni in 2 hours but tomorrow on my day off, I want to do all that and go for a run. Or even a walk if I think I can't manage more than that

I'll update this later I'm sure. But this is actually the beginning of week 4. I haven't weighed myself because I know it'll suck but I should do it anyway, I just...urgh. Next week I will, no excuses.

----

Wednesday

I think I have an odd relationship with my self confidence/self image. Like... if I'm getting ready to go out/to a party etc, I'll try on 5 different things and hate what I look like in all of them. Or, I'll go out in something off the shoulder or short or 'weird' and then spend all day worrying if it's okay and if everyone is staring at me and laughing. But then, other times, like at the beach or whatever, I don't have much problem wearing a bikini, or a really short skirt or something.

And then just other times when I'm like, you know what, I'm kinda cute. Maybe not to everyone and certainly could be improved but you know... not too bad. Or I'm like... who cares? Especially when it's just friends. Like, my bffl judges everything I wear, gives me a once over when I see her, but she's not negative with it. And like, so on Saturday I think it was, I was hanging out with a few friends, just to play Singstar and PS3 etc, so you know, I can be myself. I can say what I want and act how I want and not be awkward and like 'um... could I please have a glass of water?' or 'Excuse me, where's the bathroom?', you know, I'm somewhere comfortable. So... I dressed comfy and didn't wear make up etc. I think it was a good decision. It's mostly just a mood thing. It probably isn't even that noticable but it always feels good when you can do that and feel comfortable. Same when you wear just a $5 singlet top and just decide to rock it.

My self image isn't that bad. It's not great but you know, it's workable.

Thursday

My sleep is really fucked up. I went to nap at like 3pm. I just woke up, it's 7:15pm. Last night I went t bed at 8:30pm, then woke at 4am. Had a shower, then rested for a few more hours, eventually drifting off and them being super tired when my alarm went off at 7. Also I have horrific sunburn which makes sleeping really hard. Thankfully, I sleep on my tummy normally and it's my back/ back of legs which are worst affected. Also I have awful blisters so I can barely walk. I'm managing a painful hobble.

I think that I nap when I'm trying to avoid food. Also when I'm feeling really sad (I'm not saying depressed because while it was in the common-non-literal way of speaking, I know I don't actually have depression), I sleep a lot more, evidenced by the last few weeks.

Eating therefore has been good today because I skipped afternoon tea. It might not stay good because there are TV Snacks in the cupboard and Top Deck in the fridge but I'll try to resist if I can. (Not likely, which is really kind of pissing me off. Why the hell shouldn't I be able to resist for one goddamn night?

here are the arguments for: "I want it..."
Here are the arguments against. "It's bad for me, it'll ruin my progress, it'll show that I'm not in control, I want to have a good week and it'll show up badly for me later, what I eat in private I'll wear in public, etc etc."

Hopefully that is enough to convince myself. It's not even like I can't eat more tonight. I get dinner soon, and I think I'll have pumpkin soup and I'll have a buttered roll with it.