Mr Right or Right-now (oh look at that, that's almost a pun)

I'm so awkward.

Being awkward sucks.

Like, when everyone is just sitting there chatting, doing their thing, some people doing exactly the same  thing as me, it's always me that people comment on and be like 'Are you okay Lulu? You look so awkward!' and "Just be confident, like you own it."

It's not that I don't like going out and being in a club, I do. I like getting dressed up and having a drink and dancing.

I know I'm not good at being social though. I don't know how to be in the middle of conversations, I never have responses when people talk to me. It's hard being shy and as well as that, being boring. Some people just are able to be so confident and funny and interesting that they're always right in the centre of everything, whereas I always feel like I'm right on the fringes, trying desperately to be a part of it but not always succeeding.

I'm hoping this is just a universal feeling. Everyone feels like they don't fit in sometimes right? I don't think I'm alone in this, I just wish it happened less often.

It makes me remember why I wanted a boyfriend way back when, I was just desperate for someone that would be my plus-one and who would sit next to me and talk to me and I wouldn't have to be alone when my friends were off with their boyfs. And it worked, I mean, when I did get a boyfriend, that's why I did it and it did what I planned it to. When I went to parties I wasn't alone and I felt more socially right.

It wasn't a stupid reason to get a boyfriend, even if it was selfish. But I did mean to make that clear to my bf, that it was more about the present and right-now and short term, rather than me looking for some lasting relationship, because that's never what it was about for me. He was convenient I suppose, and I liked him enough. I wasn't ever using him, I did genuinely like him and enjoyed his company but it would never have lasted because I never wanted it to.

But not all relationships have to be serious, especially in high school. I don't think that we did it just the way everyone else was doing it but I don't think it was wrong. At the time we got together, you-know-who was still having relationship problems with his soon to be ex-girlfriend and I didn't have enough feelings there at the time to wait to see how that would all pan out, so I chose the guy who actually did already like me like that. Too bad I guess that you-know-who then was single for a few months, before getting with current gf. Bad timing all around.

All in all, this entry veered way off course, but I guess it would be nice to have a boyfriend for those reasons again. I mean, I know last time it didn't pan out and that's why with you-know-who I focused solely on how he made me feel, because the last time I'd chased someone it had been with mostly apathy. I don't know, is it better to wait for the perfect person who makes me feel so crazy and happy but be single until I find it or it is worth it to just find someone that makes me feel good but that satisfies more of my needs now?