mean

I want to learn how to be a bitch.

Like, not a talk-behind-your-back, snarky comments type bitch, I have that down pat already. I want the confident type, that doesn't always smile and be polite, when they're cussing you out and saying mean things in their heads.

When someone is being an asshole to me, I find it incredibly difficult to be straight out confrontational. And that's an understatement. I can say mean sideways things, or passive aggressive 'I'm pissed at you' things but I can't just say 'No, stop, what is even going on here? You hate me remember? Stop acting like this. Stop making me act out this obviously fake friendship when we both know it's not real. And for the record, I'm happy not to talk to you. You aren't doing me a favour, I'd actually rather you fuck off now.'

I do it with people I don't know as well. With men on the street that are disrespectful, I still can't do anything but force a smile and look away, no matter how much I'd like to tell them to fuck off. I can't take the pressure of silence, when I'm trying to ignore someone talking to me, I always give in. Even random old men on bus stops, when I'm scared, I can't deal with being that impolite.

It's not low self esteem. Maybe it's confidence. But it's something else too and I don't know what. I don't hate conflict. Conflict is exciting.

And it's not that I lack the ability to be a bitch. That's obvious if you read my blog. But like, this guy, my ex. I don't know how to deal with him. I can't form the confrontation. Even last night when he was stalking outside my work when I finished, I couldn't. He started walking with me and though I didn't want him to cos I didn't want my Dad to see him and I didn't really want to talk to him, I did anyway. I let myself get drawn into a totally normal conversation until we were arguing/me giving my views on how Fifty Shades of Grey misrepresents BDSM relationships in a really problematic way (sue me, he knows how to get me into conversation), I didn't even really say anything about not wanting to be around him until we were basically where I was going to be picked up. Only then I said 'Oh, I don't really want my dad to see you' and he said something about 'not wanting my dad to know I was with someone who has been totally hostile to me for the last few weeks' and I was like, 'whatever' and got in the car. I didn't offer him a lift home.

He sent me a text after that, but I didn't get it til this morning, about how if I'd been catching the bus he'd wanted to talk about our relationship/ him being hostile or whatever. I need need need to make this clear when he forces this conversation on me.

I'm happy.

I don't want to be friends.

I don't need to talk about this.

Either he wants to apologise for being a douchenozzle, in which case, I don't care because making up isn't something I'm interested in and all it would do is assuage his guilt, or he wants me to apologise and he wants to insult me some more. I'm certainly not placing blame on myself for whatever this is and I have no plans to revert my position at all. I'm not grovelling for forgiveness, I'm taking this in stride. I'm laughing about this with my friends and being like 'what the heck'.

To me, this isn't a problem. So there is no need to be a solution.

I'll just have to work out what I need to say when he brings this up. Hem hem.

"G---, look, what you don't get is that I'm perfectly happy not being friends. I think we should embrace the face that the last time you flew off the handle at me, we both came to the same decision that we don't wanna be friends anymore. I'm still happy with that decision, aren't you?"