real life otp

If you know me in real life, I'd prefer you to stay clear of this one please.


In fandom, one of the most popular tropes is the 'only gay for one person' trope. Such as Dean and Castiel, Dean could be classed as 'Cas-sexual', or in NCIS, with Tony and Gibbs. I'm not saying these are legitimate canon pairings, but in fandom, the people that ship these (myself included) generally work under the assumption that these men are straight (as they are in canon) but the profound bond between the characters goes beyond family, or rather isn't familial eg father/son, brotherhood, and the love develops unexpectedly, over a long period of time (many years), through incredible love, trust, loyalty and respect. This bond transcends sexual orientation, and allows the pairing to come together. OTP. There are many examples of this, but especially with male/male shipping, it's between partners or best friends. Bromance, for lack of a better term.

When it comes to myself however, (and yes, this was intended as a personal post, I just got distracted with fandom for a moment there), there was/is a girl, that well... I'm her-sexual. When it comes to girls. With boys, any of them will do but I don't think I've ever had that about girls. It's just her that ever made me think about telling her, or kissing her or doing all kinds of lame stuff. She's the only girl I've ever thought I would date you, I want to date you, I want to hold hands and do cute couple stuff.

But it's weird because okay yeah, I've thought of kissing her but that's it, it's weird. Do I just have a weird girl crush on her, totally normal, it's just a friendship 'I think she's really special' thing, or is it real? Even without much going on physically? The most I've ever done is sleep snuggled up with my arm around her.

I mean, this is just academic, this girl is just a girl, and I've never had intentions of doing anything, this is a crush I had in Year 9, but it's always popped back up oddly.

Truly, I think it's just that she's so very special and she's beautiful to me because of that. She is the only one that makes me want to be the guy in the relationship, for lack of a better way to describe it, sorry for use of traditional gender roles. She makes me want to protect her and hold her hand and defend her and do sweet things for her just to make her smile. I don't get those feelings for boys.

Great, now I feel like I'm going to be classified a lesbian.

I don't know, I'll probably delete this post soon, but it's one of those secrets I don't really share, even in those stupid questions lists I'm so fond of. I don't need this one to be public, not when it's not un-obvious who I'm thinking of, if you know me well enough.

PS: This isn't a crush in the sense that I think about her or am extra happy to see her or that I pine, it's not like that at all, it's the opposite. She's completely regular, it's just that I know I love her and if there was anyone, anyone at all that I'd jump in front of a bus for, it'd be her. It doesn't mean she doesn't annoy the socks off me, or I don't think she can be a bitch or anything, because she can. It's just there sometimes in the back of my mind and when I think 'do I like girls, it's her that pops up in my head, if that makes sense.