I'm a nerd. A massive one. When I was in primary school I was given a nickname that was an amalgamation of dictionary and calculator because I was fucking awesome at maths but was a total book worm. Now as an adult I still read and I still want to be seen that way, as the girl who reads. For me in primary school, I liked those nicknames. I liked being the one everybody aimed to beat in maths tests. I thrived on competition and bragged about my perfect spelling graph all year. In year 4 we had to make a bar graph of our results to see improvement but mine was 20/20 and didn't waver. My bar graph was a block. My identity is fundamentally wrapped up in that, being the smart girl...I know I'm not the best obviously but I like that I don't usually feel ordinary. At least not when it comes to school.
So now when it comes to books it's different. I do still read a decent amount, though of course when i discovered fanfiction I read less actual physical books. Still, there is this intellectual genre that I feel should be perfect for me. I want to be one of those pretentious book snobs that loves Catcher in the Rye and the Great Gatsby but that isn't me and I don't. Same with The Fault In My Stars by John Green whose opinions I adore but whose books didn't give me the tearful feels I was expecting or Perks of Being a Wallflower which I expected to love but didn't. I just don't respond well to implicit symbolism. It's not that I don't get it but... well yeah sometimes I don't. Like the metephor in CITR, after reading it the first time quickly I didn't realise that he really wanted to stop the children from growing up. That realisation made a lot of the other stuff in the book more relevant but still, I'm not much for journey novels, especially with irritating protagonists with an unreliable recount of events. Especially when they're half crazy. Also I don't like children as narrators, when the author uses the reader to make all the assumption. Like a bruise or a family friend that the character thinks nothing of but the audiences mind jumps to abuse. That's annoying, I like aware protagonists, not ignorant ones.
Another thing that Journey novels with these teenage male protagonists do that I can't stand is the sexuality, it always grosses me out. In both Maestro, which I read in high school and Perks of Being A Wallflower, there was the awkward as fuck chapter where they see this really pretty girl, start having sex dreams about her, then because they're that type of non social, not popular type, with some weird ignorance about sex up until this point, go up to the girl and tell them that they have sex dreams about the girl. Which always makes me cringe. It's like, yes thank you for telling me you're imagining me naked in your head... and the girls usually have the reaction which is "well this kid is weird and yeah, not gonna date you but you can have me in your head, that's cool.' Which is well adjusted of them really. Still it's not something I really think needs to be explored like that, and I feel like a pervert reading about these messed up teenage boys discoving orgasm.
That was off topic lol. I only just read Perks today so that's why I can go on about it. But it really does remind me of a high school english text.
But anyway, I want to be a pretencious reader that reads classics and loves them but I'm not. The best I can do is say that I didn't hate Jane Eyre, have read books like Pride and Prejudice and Robin Hood and most classics in some form or another. I read the Kite Runner I think, but never finsihed it. I can usually point out about half the books in book store and be like 'read that' but that's the extent of it. And the fact that I read most of the books that turn out to be big before they get big. I introducted my friends to Twilight 6 months at least before it got big. Before then I had only one girl to talk to about them which was sad. But then, at year 9 camp, I was super bummed out because Breaking Dawn came out the morning we left for camp but we left like 7/8 and shops didn't open until 9 so I had to wait until the weekend to get it. Torture! But at camp, me and the other girl had bought all our books so that everyone could read. We had 10 girls in our room, so basically, everyone was up to a different stage but everyone was reading. It was awesome lol. I also introduced Hunger Games, I got one of my friends to read the Host recently, which she likes, Tomorrow Series of course... but yeah, I like being up with it about books.
Just not Perks of Being a Wallflower because I mean, lines like 'and in this moment, I swear we were infinite' are great and all, like for blog quotes and tattoos and words over vague images on hipster posts but maybe I'm just not a fan of the journey story type because nothing happens. It's all little highs and lows. Like stories that go over a year and just detail bits are my cup of tea. And while quotes like that are lovely, and the part of my brain that likes hearing poetry and words that fit together nicely loves it, and being a teenager is like that sometimes, I much prefer strong characters who do good things and are admirable, as opposed to pity worthy, like Charlie or Holden Caulfield.
I'm going to talk about a book series that does do that, but tomorrow. I'll come back and edit and regail you all with tales of my literary hero and role model, since I was 12.
I'm still really into youth fiction. I'm not as bad as my friend for whom 'The Casual Vacancy' was their first foray into adult fiction, but YA novels are still what I like best.
----
Since I have no computer right now, I'm reading more than usual to starve off boredom. I read a book called 'The Soldiers Wife' yesterday. It wasn't for the first time, I bought it months ago and read it then but never reread, it wasn't that groundbreaking. But it was good, I liked it, it was about a soldiers homecoming from a 6 month tour in Afganistan and the impact it had on the whole family, told from multiple point of views. Basically classic family breaking down, husband, wife, father, mother, sister, daughter, in laws, friends, all kind of pressuring other roles and priorities and I love that.
It's one of my favourite genres really, family drama, but I generally only like it when there's an element of the exceptional. Like Jodi Picoult books. She uses symbolism for me in a way that is perfect, in a way that is explained and easily understood, while remaining profound. It's much more accessable I think.
Right now- as in I put it down to type this- I'm rereading The Lovely Bones. I think I'm going to pick this to watch at my birthday. I don't know if everyone will likew it tremendously, but it makes me cry and the lead actor is playing the lead in the Host next March so I want to review her acting, even if I think while she was perfect for The Lovely Bones, she'll be awful in this roles, because she just doesn't have the look.
But anyway, I really like this book. I love crying over books. I love crying just in general. asdfghjkl this is a good book and I'm listening to 'Live while we're young' and it's a total contrast but in a good way.
Friday, 30 November 2012
kissingkissingkissing
Okay, my ears are ringing like crazy.
Went out clubbing tonight with friends. It was okay.
But here's the interesting part. My date today fell through and it's been 12 months since I've kissed anyone. On an unrelated note, my best friend keeps kissing girls that aren't me. This annoys me for unknown reasons. I don't want to kiss her either but she kisses other girl friends, I'm offended on principle.
But back to the story. A song I liked came on (Don't you worry child), I was on the smaller dance floor, the non retro one (Thursday is retro night). I'd been sitting with my best friend and her boyfriend when the song came on, I said I loved the song, we stood up to dance, she got distracted with boyfriend so I figured that she'd catch up. But then I caught a guys eye and we started dancing... then kissing a minute later.
It was cool to do it, I just thought it was too much tongue and it was a bit gross honestly. I am glad I did it though. My bffl was like 'you've only kissed one person, how do you even know it wad too much tongue?' But I measure kisses like this- if you enjoy it, it's a good kiss. If not then bad kiss. Only downside is it means you know who is actually a decent kisser.
Still, its been a year, it wasnt any physical firsts (those I like to keep) but it was first hook up. We did talk a bit a little later, like hes at uni doing IT, he's from Chile, name was Benjamin (sp?) and I dont regret it as long as i dont get oral herpes because thats incurable and id like to be able to kiss/ give a blow job one day without passing on std's. I've been told other people dont think about these things though.
Also, i was (and am) sober so maybe that should be factored in in kiss enjoyment. And lack of emotional connection...
Also excuse errors, typing all this on phone
Edit:
I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, it was implusive and I don't know how much I enjoyed it. I mean... I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. I enjoyed it because it made me feel sexy and pretty and desirable and I liked dancing with someone focused on me and I love when boys wrap my arms around their necks because that's how I like to kiss.
Do you understand what I mean? (I'm not even sure if I do). I liked it because of what it meant about me and it gave me satisfaction in a social way, in a stamp-of-approval way (I can't think of the right word), but that's why I liked it, and not because the guy was super hot and I was super attracted to him and I really enjoyed the kiss because none of those things are true. EDIT: Finally thought of the word- validation. I felt socially validated by making out with a guy at a club. So my thoughts while kissing were more... 'I wonder what so-and-so will say when I tell them?' or "I wonder if my best friend can see me...' or 'I hope I don't get an STD.' I like feeling pretty. I like being told I'm pretty. It's shallow but so what, I like it. Do I have low self esteem? Yeah, probably, but not always... I know I'm worth something and I'm really up myself half the time, so the insecure half has issues with that. So I kissed him a) bucket list, it had to been done, b) it was exciting and excitement is fun and c) it made me feel good about myself even though after awhile I didn't want to kiss him anymore and spent the next 15 minutes trying to thinking of a way to escape. Not that he was anything but nice and friendly, but I'd had enough and wanted to move back to my friends without offending him.
The bad parts are a) I feel like kissing is a bit sullied for me now because it wasn't a good kiss at all. . Like, thinking back... I did like kissing you-know-who, a lot. It was nice, not just the in love part, the mouth part. And this time I didn't, it was gross. Sorry. Same as when I got my first hickey in Year 9. It was just gross.
b) I can't work out if I feel like a slut or not. Because I'm not, I'm single and I can kiss whomever I want. If I end up going on a date next week with that guy who ditched me yesterday, maybe I'll kiss him too, who knows. I have to stop thinking of it as a scoreboard. But at the same time, not intellectually but emotionally, I feel a bit sick over it. Actually, I've gained a new understanding of something but I think if I talk about it, it deserves its own entry.
c) The fact that I went with the first guy I kind of danced near, he started dancing and I gave eye contact and that was that. I mean, I've never actually seen anyone do what I did at the club before. It's not like there are masses of people kissing, especially not on the dance floor but there you go, it does happen. But since it's not like I thought those things actually happened, I didn't like look for someone I actually thought was really hot. This guy wasn't bad looking, but he wasn't my type either. So yeah.
So now I feel a bit bad.
I didn't last night, and I still think people should be able to hook up with whoever and do whatever, myself included, but I think I rushed into it this time... hmm.
Well, no regrets. Well, a few but none that I think are going to bother me in the long run. Unless I get herpes.
I don't have herpes.
Okay.
Moving on.
Went out clubbing tonight with friends. It was okay.
But here's the interesting part. My date today fell through and it's been 12 months since I've kissed anyone. On an unrelated note, my best friend keeps kissing girls that aren't me. This annoys me for unknown reasons. I don't want to kiss her either but she kisses other girl friends, I'm offended on principle.
But back to the story. A song I liked came on (Don't you worry child), I was on the smaller dance floor, the non retro one (Thursday is retro night). I'd been sitting with my best friend and her boyfriend when the song came on, I said I loved the song, we stood up to dance, she got distracted with boyfriend so I figured that she'd catch up. But then I caught a guys eye and we started dancing... then kissing a minute later.
It was cool to do it, I just thought it was too much tongue and it was a bit gross honestly. I am glad I did it though. My bffl was like 'you've only kissed one person, how do you even know it wad too much tongue?' But I measure kisses like this- if you enjoy it, it's a good kiss. If not then bad kiss. Only downside is it means you know who is actually a decent kisser.
Still, its been a year, it wasnt any physical firsts (those I like to keep) but it was first hook up. We did talk a bit a little later, like hes at uni doing IT, he's from Chile, name was Benjamin (sp?) and I dont regret it as long as i dont get oral herpes because thats incurable and id like to be able to kiss/ give a blow job one day without passing on std's. I've been told other people dont think about these things though.
Also, i was (and am) sober so maybe that should be factored in in kiss enjoyment. And lack of emotional connection...
Also excuse errors, typing all this on phone
Edit:
I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, it was implusive and I don't know how much I enjoyed it. I mean... I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. I enjoyed it because it made me feel sexy and pretty and desirable and I liked dancing with someone focused on me and I love when boys wrap my arms around their necks because that's how I like to kiss.
Do you understand what I mean? (I'm not even sure if I do). I liked it because of what it meant about me and it gave me satisfaction in a social way, in a stamp-of-approval way (I can't think of the right word), but that's why I liked it, and not because the guy was super hot and I was super attracted to him and I really enjoyed the kiss because none of those things are true. EDIT: Finally thought of the word- validation. I felt socially validated by making out with a guy at a club. So my thoughts while kissing were more... 'I wonder what so-and-so will say when I tell them?' or "I wonder if my best friend can see me...' or 'I hope I don't get an STD.' I like feeling pretty. I like being told I'm pretty. It's shallow but so what, I like it. Do I have low self esteem? Yeah, probably, but not always... I know I'm worth something and I'm really up myself half the time, so the insecure half has issues with that. So I kissed him a) bucket list, it had to been done, b) it was exciting and excitement is fun and c) it made me feel good about myself even though after awhile I didn't want to kiss him anymore and spent the next 15 minutes trying to thinking of a way to escape. Not that he was anything but nice and friendly, but I'd had enough and wanted to move back to my friends without offending him.
The bad parts are a) I feel like kissing is a bit sullied for me now because it wasn't a good kiss at all. . Like, thinking back... I did like kissing you-know-who, a lot. It was nice, not just the in love part, the mouth part. And this time I didn't, it was gross. Sorry. Same as when I got my first hickey in Year 9. It was just gross.
b) I can't work out if I feel like a slut or not. Because I'm not, I'm single and I can kiss whomever I want. If I end up going on a date next week with that guy who ditched me yesterday, maybe I'll kiss him too, who knows. I have to stop thinking of it as a scoreboard. But at the same time, not intellectually but emotionally, I feel a bit sick over it. Actually, I've gained a new understanding of something but I think if I talk about it, it deserves its own entry.
c) The fact that I went with the first guy I kind of danced near, he started dancing and I gave eye contact and that was that. I mean, I've never actually seen anyone do what I did at the club before. It's not like there are masses of people kissing, especially not on the dance floor but there you go, it does happen. But since it's not like I thought those things actually happened, I didn't like look for someone I actually thought was really hot. This guy wasn't bad looking, but he wasn't my type either. So yeah.
So now I feel a bit bad.
I didn't last night, and I still think people should be able to hook up with whoever and do whatever, myself included, but I think I rushed into it this time... hmm.
Well, no regrets. Well, a few but none that I think are going to bother me in the long run. Unless I get herpes.
I don't have herpes.
Okay.
Moving on.
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Grumble.
My date tomorrow was cancelled. He may have to work and he won't know until almost midday and he has to be back by arvo anyway so yeah... that sucks.
I was actually looking forward to it.
I went shopping and bought new clothes and have decided I'm okay with how I look and have all these pretty clothes to wear and now I can't.
And it's just that it would have been my first ever real date and I wanted it you know? I want that excitement mixed with dread and nervousness and the talking and if I liked him and thought he was cute I could have kissed him and urgh, now what?
We'll have to make a new plan for next week which is totally far away.
I mean, I still have plans for tomorrow. I'm going shopping again with my bffl, then I have basketball at 6:30 and then I'm going out at 9 to club. My friend that's preggers is organising, wants to do something before she really starts showing. She's only just slightly showing now, at 16 weeks.
It'll be fun. I have a few new dresses. I have this pink one, a hand me down from my cousin (who is a saint and just gave me two new bags of clothes tonight) that I could wear but I think I may want to save it for my birthday party. It's short, which isn't normally what suits me. As mum said today, my upper legs are not my best feature. Probably the worst really. Having thick limbs is the worst. I don't look good in anything.
But yeah, this dress is pretty and floaty and light pink. It would look better with blonde hair but I have to make do with brown. It's crazy actually, the blonde is already starting to show through the permanent (3 bottles) of hair dye. My hair is apparently as attached to my blonde hair as everyone I know is to it.
I don't mind. I'm a blonde at heart. Always will be. Blonde really do have more fun.
I do hope this date thing happens... I want it to. Screw everything I said about you-know-who. I think of him when I listen to music. That's it.
He's the past.
This is my future.
My date tomorrow was cancelled. He may have to work and he won't know until almost midday and he has to be back by arvo anyway so yeah... that sucks.
I was actually looking forward to it.
I went shopping and bought new clothes and have decided I'm okay with how I look and have all these pretty clothes to wear and now I can't.
And it's just that it would have been my first ever real date and I wanted it you know? I want that excitement mixed with dread and nervousness and the talking and if I liked him and thought he was cute I could have kissed him and urgh, now what?
We'll have to make a new plan for next week which is totally far away.
I mean, I still have plans for tomorrow. I'm going shopping again with my bffl, then I have basketball at 6:30 and then I'm going out at 9 to club. My friend that's preggers is organising, wants to do something before she really starts showing. She's only just slightly showing now, at 16 weeks.
It'll be fun. I have a few new dresses. I have this pink one, a hand me down from my cousin (who is a saint and just gave me two new bags of clothes tonight) that I could wear but I think I may want to save it for my birthday party. It's short, which isn't normally what suits me. As mum said today, my upper legs are not my best feature. Probably the worst really. Having thick limbs is the worst. I don't look good in anything.
But yeah, this dress is pretty and floaty and light pink. It would look better with blonde hair but I have to make do with brown. It's crazy actually, the blonde is already starting to show through the permanent (3 bottles) of hair dye. My hair is apparently as attached to my blonde hair as everyone I know is to it.
I don't mind. I'm a blonde at heart. Always will be. Blonde really do have more fun.
I do hope this date thing happens... I want it to. Screw everything I said about you-know-who. I think of him when I listen to music. That's it.
He's the past.
This is my future.
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Blow my whistle baby :P
Monday, 26 November 2012
Men's rights
Okay this is going to be one of those posts that make feminists look bad.
I say that but only because I want to make it clear that this is my own personal opinion, and I recognise that it isn't very fair to men but I don't want this to be a 'FEMINISTS HATE TEH MENZZ!!!' argument. Hopefully it won't come out that way.
I want to talk about something that gets MRA's (Men's Rights Activists) all worked up, but that get's me worked up to... only for the opposite side of the argument.
Paternity, men's rights to children, shared custody and self determination in regards to reproduction and abortion.
My friend is pregnant. 16 weeks now, I can't tell you how exciting and overwhelming I think it is. Her boyfriend, loving partner of 4 years broke up with her a few weeks after she told him he was pregnant. His initial reaction was simply 'abort now, we'll have kids in a few years once we're ready.' This isn't a bad opinion, it's logical and fine, as long as it remains an opinion.
Psychology this year has taught me something about relationship and sex. Men are much, much more likely to have sex with multiple partners than women. The reason is biological and had a lot to do with reproduction. For men, beyond sex, it is a hands off experience. Men have little investment in the process. For them, the best chance to have their genes carried on is to have sex with lots of women. For women on the other hand, having a child is an incredible investment, not just socially and financially (that has more to do with our society) but physically and emotionally. Carrying a child takes a huge strain every day for 9 whole months, plus childbirth which we have evolved too large heads to do without incredible pain and physical injury in many cases. So women are a lot more picky about men and who they sleep with.
This biological explanation does makes sense to me, which is unusual because I usually advocate hard for social factors as being behind patriarchy and gender differences. Which I do believe of course, but science has obviously had success finding genetic and biological causes for things too.
Anyway, I truly believe in 'women's body, women's choice' when it comes to carrying or aborting a baby. I'm not saying it's fair, I couldn't imagine being a man in that situation and I have all the sympathy in the world for men that are but if there is a pregnancy that a man doesn't want, it is 100% right that the woman has control over that decision. And MRA campaigns with guys holding up signs like 'She murdered my baby', 'my ex girlfriend killed my little boy/girl' 'she aborted my child' make me sick. No one, no one, no one can force a women to carry a child. If a woman aborts a child that they do not want, the 'father' has no right to stop her. He cannot force her to be pregnant. This isn't the 16th century. Or the 19th. Or even the 20th sadly enough. Or the 21st in undeveloped countries.
Now lets move on to once the baby is born. This is where I'm focusing my research now, because of course, this is where my friend is headed. The father wants nothing to do with her/it. She is hopefully going to be working enough this summer to qualify for maternity leave, which would be a Godsend (and completely necessary), but I can't work out what the law is on child support. Or the rules on child visitation.
Maybe I'm just really selfish, but I can't imagine having an ex boyfriend father of the child butting in and trying to take my child out and away and spending time with it and trying to parent it. No, my child. Mine.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
I see myself as one of those really overprotective mothers that tries to do everything right and OTT but probably burns out by the time they get to primary school because in general, I'm such a lazy, non-detail orientated person. Then I'd turn into the 'do what you want' type.
Still, I would hate having to share.
I'd fight so hard not to let him have a relationship with my child. That's selfish huh? But if I brought a little bub into the world, I'd hate letting someone else touch them. I'd want to be the only parent. Can't we do that? I want to be a single mother. Daddy can stay out of the picture.
Now I'll just be a tad hypocritical and say Dad can feel free to pay child support. But no, if they want to see it and I say no, no child support. But if they don't want to be a part of its life, then they should have to pay.
Though this kills me to say, once the baby is born, both parents should have equal rights to it.
God, okay, I don't believe that.
I should. I think it's right, but fuck that. If I have a baby it's mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine.
No, see that doesn't work. Women are only going to have babies that they want. Otherwise they'd of aborted or given it away. Men, they can do fuck all. They can be dicks and say they don't want it and try to convince their girlfriends to abort and have nothing to do with anything and then see the baby when it's born,. have the alleged 'a man becomes a father the first time he hold it in his arms' moment and then decide to get involved.
That doesn't rub with me.
If a guy wants to be in my baby child's life, they need to be there from the get go. You can't be a kid when you are expected to raise a kid. You have to buck up, be a man and face it. My friend's boyfriend didn't do that so honestly, I don't want him to come back and try again. I couldn't trust a guy like that.
I say that but only because I want to make it clear that this is my own personal opinion, and I recognise that it isn't very fair to men but I don't want this to be a 'FEMINISTS HATE TEH MENZZ!!!' argument. Hopefully it won't come out that way.
I want to talk about something that gets MRA's (Men's Rights Activists) all worked up, but that get's me worked up to... only for the opposite side of the argument.
Paternity, men's rights to children, shared custody and self determination in regards to reproduction and abortion.
My friend is pregnant. 16 weeks now, I can't tell you how exciting and overwhelming I think it is. Her boyfriend, loving partner of 4 years broke up with her a few weeks after she told him he was pregnant. His initial reaction was simply 'abort now, we'll have kids in a few years once we're ready.' This isn't a bad opinion, it's logical and fine, as long as it remains an opinion.
Psychology this year has taught me something about relationship and sex. Men are much, much more likely to have sex with multiple partners than women. The reason is biological and had a lot to do with reproduction. For men, beyond sex, it is a hands off experience. Men have little investment in the process. For them, the best chance to have their genes carried on is to have sex with lots of women. For women on the other hand, having a child is an incredible investment, not just socially and financially (that has more to do with our society) but physically and emotionally. Carrying a child takes a huge strain every day for 9 whole months, plus childbirth which we have evolved too large heads to do without incredible pain and physical injury in many cases. So women are a lot more picky about men and who they sleep with.
This biological explanation does makes sense to me, which is unusual because I usually advocate hard for social factors as being behind patriarchy and gender differences. Which I do believe of course, but science has obviously had success finding genetic and biological causes for things too.
Anyway, I truly believe in 'women's body, women's choice' when it comes to carrying or aborting a baby. I'm not saying it's fair, I couldn't imagine being a man in that situation and I have all the sympathy in the world for men that are but if there is a pregnancy that a man doesn't want, it is 100% right that the woman has control over that decision. And MRA campaigns with guys holding up signs like 'She murdered my baby', 'my ex girlfriend killed my little boy/girl' 'she aborted my child' make me sick. No one, no one, no one can force a women to carry a child. If a woman aborts a child that they do not want, the 'father' has no right to stop her. He cannot force her to be pregnant. This isn't the 16th century. Or the 19th. Or even the 20th sadly enough. Or the 21st in undeveloped countries.
Now lets move on to once the baby is born. This is where I'm focusing my research now, because of course, this is where my friend is headed. The father wants nothing to do with her/it. She is hopefully going to be working enough this summer to qualify for maternity leave, which would be a Godsend (and completely necessary), but I can't work out what the law is on child support. Or the rules on child visitation.
Maybe I'm just really selfish, but I can't imagine having an ex boyfriend father of the child butting in and trying to take my child out and away and spending time with it and trying to parent it. No, my child. Mine.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
I see myself as one of those really overprotective mothers that tries to do everything right and OTT but probably burns out by the time they get to primary school because in general, I'm such a lazy, non-detail orientated person. Then I'd turn into the 'do what you want' type.
Still, I would hate having to share.
I'd fight so hard not to let him have a relationship with my child. That's selfish huh? But if I brought a little bub into the world, I'd hate letting someone else touch them. I'd want to be the only parent. Can't we do that? I want to be a single mother. Daddy can stay out of the picture.
Now I'll just be a tad hypocritical and say Dad can feel free to pay child support. But no, if they want to see it and I say no, no child support. But if they don't want to be a part of its life, then they should have to pay.
Though this kills me to say, once the baby is born, both parents should have equal rights to it.
God, okay, I don't believe that.
I should. I think it's right, but fuck that. If I have a baby it's mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine.
No, see that doesn't work. Women are only going to have babies that they want. Otherwise they'd of aborted or given it away. Men, they can do fuck all. They can be dicks and say they don't want it and try to convince their girlfriends to abort and have nothing to do with anything and then see the baby when it's born,. have the alleged 'a man becomes a father the first time he hold it in his arms' moment and then decide to get involved.
That doesn't rub with me.
If a guy wants to be in my baby child's life, they need to be there from the get go. You can't be a kid when you are expected to raise a kid. You have to buck up, be a man and face it. My friend's boyfriend didn't do that so honestly, I don't want him to come back and try again. I couldn't trust a guy like that.
Dreams
I don't understand why I have dreams as fucked up as I do.
What does that say about my mind?
I dreamt that I was in a Hunger Games style competition, with a bunch of people I knew in primary school. I killed some of them. I punched them until their skulls cracked open and they died. I literally bashed their brains in.
I don't know how the competition worked. I can't remember. There were rules...
I have really shitty visual memory/ ability to picture things in my head. You'd think this would mean I wouldn't have vivid dreams but you would be wrong. For one, I'm used to it, and two, I'm creative. This arena was set in almost total darkness. I had this cloth/ blanket over my head. Like a handicap. I'm a cheater though, I just am. I am competitive with loose morals. I used to sneak hundreds out of the bank when I played monopoly. I used to open my eyes and look at shoes in 'Heads down, thumbs up'. I was a cheating brat and little has changed. Especially in dreams.
So, first, not unlike the way I grabbed the biggest plate of pasta the other day, I grabbed the best bag of tools/supplies, put my blanket over my head and set off. It was dark under there, but also dark in the arena. I let the blanket fall back a bit so it was longer at the back and I could kind of see a bit of the ground in front of me. There were people around and they were obstacles.
The arena was somewhere between a huge running track, like with a surrounding stadium. Like, an Olympic field. A cross between that and a classroom, which yes, I recognise is much smaller and totally different. It's a dream.
I remember that there was Hell in the centre. A concrete bunker with a little sister of a girl in my class trapped inside. Like, as a timer, the longer we took to kill each other, the longer she was stuck in hell being tortured and set on fire etc. Whenever the door opened, all you could see was flames and all you could hear was her screaming.
I don't know what the prize was but I'm pretty sure I was winning. When the dream ended (alarm went off), it was like a cut scene, where these people were betting on me, and vowing to help me win, because of something I'd done.
Anyway, I have apocolypic dreams all the time. Literally, every 2 or 3 days. A few days ago. it was like the cold war. Which is weird cos my normal type is more day after tomorrow, weather apocolypse. Volcanoes, tsummanis, tornadoes etc. Anyway, I don't know if the enemy was Russia or China but it was someone and we had sealed ourselves off to protect ourselves from nuclear fallout but we were running out of air and supplies and we weren't sure the barrier would hold. Also we had no chocolate. Eventually, either another country or blackmarket got going and everyone was crowding these stalls and everything was expensive as fuck but I was able to buy a Tim Tam. But my dreams aren't ever just a scene. I have a hell of a lot of backstory and like in real life, vague memories and feelings and attitudes about the past year or two that I'd been living that life. Even if the dream is only acting out a few moments, something generally dramatic, the rest of it is still there in my head. The other night I was on a sinking ship, a cruise ship I'd been counting on to get me off the continent, where crocodiles had pretty much taken over and killed everyone. My version of zombie apocalypse I guess. But I'd been traded money by this older guy who'd joined my makeshift group of survivors and I'd been able to get tickets for me, potential love interest (I don't remember who/if they were part of dream) and a young Asian girl who I was protecting. I know all that, but only the quick exchange of money scene was shown. Then I spent the rest of the dream in a state of terror (imagine Titanic, once the lights were flickering, water had filled all lower levels and everything was creaking and groaning) running further and further into the bowels of the ship, rummaging through mini fridges and kitchenette nooks for food for the little girl. I found avocados and two minute noodles and stuff but then this guy, the ship captain or something stopped me, and we wrestled and I eventually coerced him into letting me leave with some of it, to help the kid.
The closest I ever get to realising I'm dreaming is knowing that I've dreamt the same thing before. My dreams can be like video games. I die one way, ripped to shreds by wild dog/wolves, the next time I go the other path and face crocodiles instead. One time I pull in a ship into port using a rope on one side, it tips over. When I try from the front, it doesn't stop and crashes into the dock etc. I know I've done something before but it doesn't occur to me that I'm dreaming, I just accept it.
I would love to lucid dream though. Actually, writing this entry has made me excited. I know I can't control it but who knows, maybe tonight I'll master it. G'night!
What does that say about my mind?
I dreamt that I was in a Hunger Games style competition, with a bunch of people I knew in primary school. I killed some of them. I punched them until their skulls cracked open and they died. I literally bashed their brains in.
I don't know how the competition worked. I can't remember. There were rules...
I have really shitty visual memory/ ability to picture things in my head. You'd think this would mean I wouldn't have vivid dreams but you would be wrong. For one, I'm used to it, and two, I'm creative. This arena was set in almost total darkness. I had this cloth/ blanket over my head. Like a handicap. I'm a cheater though, I just am. I am competitive with loose morals. I used to sneak hundreds out of the bank when I played monopoly. I used to open my eyes and look at shoes in 'Heads down, thumbs up'. I was a cheating brat and little has changed. Especially in dreams.
So, first, not unlike the way I grabbed the biggest plate of pasta the other day, I grabbed the best bag of tools/supplies, put my blanket over my head and set off. It was dark under there, but also dark in the arena. I let the blanket fall back a bit so it was longer at the back and I could kind of see a bit of the ground in front of me. There were people around and they were obstacles.
The arena was somewhere between a huge running track, like with a surrounding stadium. Like, an Olympic field. A cross between that and a classroom, which yes, I recognise is much smaller and totally different. It's a dream.
I remember that there was Hell in the centre. A concrete bunker with a little sister of a girl in my class trapped inside. Like, as a timer, the longer we took to kill each other, the longer she was stuck in hell being tortured and set on fire etc. Whenever the door opened, all you could see was flames and all you could hear was her screaming.
I don't know what the prize was but I'm pretty sure I was winning. When the dream ended (alarm went off), it was like a cut scene, where these people were betting on me, and vowing to help me win, because of something I'd done.
Anyway, I have apocolypic dreams all the time. Literally, every 2 or 3 days. A few days ago. it was like the cold war. Which is weird cos my normal type is more day after tomorrow, weather apocolypse. Volcanoes, tsummanis, tornadoes etc. Anyway, I don't know if the enemy was Russia or China but it was someone and we had sealed ourselves off to protect ourselves from nuclear fallout but we were running out of air and supplies and we weren't sure the barrier would hold. Also we had no chocolate. Eventually, either another country or blackmarket got going and everyone was crowding these stalls and everything was expensive as fuck but I was able to buy a Tim Tam. But my dreams aren't ever just a scene. I have a hell of a lot of backstory and like in real life, vague memories and feelings and attitudes about the past year or two that I'd been living that life. Even if the dream is only acting out a few moments, something generally dramatic, the rest of it is still there in my head. The other night I was on a sinking ship, a cruise ship I'd been counting on to get me off the continent, where crocodiles had pretty much taken over and killed everyone. My version of zombie apocalypse I guess. But I'd been traded money by this older guy who'd joined my makeshift group of survivors and I'd been able to get tickets for me, potential love interest (I don't remember who/if they were part of dream) and a young Asian girl who I was protecting. I know all that, but only the quick exchange of money scene was shown. Then I spent the rest of the dream in a state of terror (imagine Titanic, once the lights were flickering, water had filled all lower levels and everything was creaking and groaning) running further and further into the bowels of the ship, rummaging through mini fridges and kitchenette nooks for food for the little girl. I found avocados and two minute noodles and stuff but then this guy, the ship captain or something stopped me, and we wrestled and I eventually coerced him into letting me leave with some of it, to help the kid.
The closest I ever get to realising I'm dreaming is knowing that I've dreamt the same thing before. My dreams can be like video games. I die one way, ripped to shreds by wild dog/wolves, the next time I go the other path and face crocodiles instead. One time I pull in a ship into port using a rope on one side, it tips over. When I try from the front, it doesn't stop and crashes into the dock etc. I know I've done something before but it doesn't occur to me that I'm dreaming, I just accept it.
I would love to lucid dream though. Actually, writing this entry has made me excited. I know I can't control it but who knows, maybe tonight I'll master it. G'night!
Thursday, 22 November 2012
social-ness
My social life has actually been going really really well this uni break. I'm very pleased.
I attribute it mainly to sport. Joining basketball team, doing netball and rock climbing. Rock climbing is the biggest social thing, pretty much everyone that I was friendly with back at high school does it, about 10/15 people. And most do it every week so that is cool. Except now it's no longer going to be at student prices so I think I'm going to start doing Zumba Tuesday nights instead. Zumba may be my new thing actually. I already pay 15 dollars a week for boot camp which is run by the same woman, and there is a deal, 25 dollars and I can do as much as I want. So since I'm on holidays, I may do more classes. I do really like Zumba. It's great exercise but it just feels like dancing. I would be doing that with my sorta bff Jess, who I only see once a week.
But now to replace rock climbing I'm doing Tennis on Wednesday mornings, with a few other people. I've never played tennis out of school really, apart from a few times with family etc, but I don't suck at it and no one is that great at it. I'm thinking maybe I could get my group to do it occasionally as well. My group isn't really sporty but tennis is a social game so we'll see... it's also hard cos one of my best friends has a kinda disability which makes playing tennis (something she used to be great at) not an option anymore. Her bf is trying to think of something that she could be more included in, because rockclimbing made her feel left out. He's organising a bike ride right now which will be fun, I may have to borrow my brothers bike but I'll live. 20km bike ride, wooo.
Also another friend wants to start running with me, so that will be interesting. I can probably run farther than her so good for me. One friend wanted to start running with me but then he got hit my a car so he was out of action for quite awhile.
I have a party tonight which will hopefully be fun. I just have to remind myself that these are my friends mostly and to just not be uncomfortable and to enjoy myself. Who cares that I don't love the way I look, I'm still going to swim and be myself and show off the crazy amount of bruises I have right now. Sheesh, between climbing and whacking myself in the arm with my tennis racket, I'm black and blue. And yellow due to various stages of healing. I have so many on the insides of my thighs I feel like the victim of a violent sex crime. Plus one from two days ago right in the centre of my chest so my breast looks totally discoloured. But I have new hair and while I don't love having dark hair, I approve of trying something new. To be honest though, my hair is always my favourite part of how I look and I didn't realise how central it is into how i view myself. Probably because 3 of my best friends all call me blondie. My bffl attempted to call me brownie but I was like no. Brown hair just isn't striking in the same way as blonde. But it's nice to know that I've tried it and now know what I look like with dark hair. It'll just be my summer look.
I don't know if I'm going to be drinking tonight. I figured I would, but I don't feel like buying alcohol really, I'm not rich right now. Planning trips and needing a new computer, along with not working much... not to mention, I do spend a lot of money on sport.
I suppose the online dating thing is also giving a new edge to my social life. Both I probably could have met up with either yesterday or tomorrow. It's one of their birthdays tomorrow and he asked if we could meet up. Since I have this party tonight in Shellharbour and most likely will be hungover tomorrow, I said probably not, but I don't know. I'm still enjoying the conversation. I approve of the slight anxiety I get after sending a text or saying something kinda cute or flirty. Either way, it's a chance to stretch my flirting muscles. I need to work out what I do right/wrong.
I attribute it mainly to sport. Joining basketball team, doing netball and rock climbing. Rock climbing is the biggest social thing, pretty much everyone that I was friendly with back at high school does it, about 10/15 people. And most do it every week so that is cool. Except now it's no longer going to be at student prices so I think I'm going to start doing Zumba Tuesday nights instead. Zumba may be my new thing actually. I already pay 15 dollars a week for boot camp which is run by the same woman, and there is a deal, 25 dollars and I can do as much as I want. So since I'm on holidays, I may do more classes. I do really like Zumba. It's great exercise but it just feels like dancing. I would be doing that with my sorta bff Jess, who I only see once a week.
But now to replace rock climbing I'm doing Tennis on Wednesday mornings, with a few other people. I've never played tennis out of school really, apart from a few times with family etc, but I don't suck at it and no one is that great at it. I'm thinking maybe I could get my group to do it occasionally as well. My group isn't really sporty but tennis is a social game so we'll see... it's also hard cos one of my best friends has a kinda disability which makes playing tennis (something she used to be great at) not an option anymore. Her bf is trying to think of something that she could be more included in, because rockclimbing made her feel left out. He's organising a bike ride right now which will be fun, I may have to borrow my brothers bike but I'll live. 20km bike ride, wooo.
Also another friend wants to start running with me, so that will be interesting. I can probably run farther than her so good for me. One friend wanted to start running with me but then he got hit my a car so he was out of action for quite awhile.
I have a party tonight which will hopefully be fun. I just have to remind myself that these are my friends mostly and to just not be uncomfortable and to enjoy myself. Who cares that I don't love the way I look, I'm still going to swim and be myself and show off the crazy amount of bruises I have right now. Sheesh, between climbing and whacking myself in the arm with my tennis racket, I'm black and blue. And yellow due to various stages of healing. I have so many on the insides of my thighs I feel like the victim of a violent sex crime. Plus one from two days ago right in the centre of my chest so my breast looks totally discoloured. But I have new hair and while I don't love having dark hair, I approve of trying something new. To be honest though, my hair is always my favourite part of how I look and I didn't realise how central it is into how i view myself. Probably because 3 of my best friends all call me blondie. My bffl attempted to call me brownie but I was like no. Brown hair just isn't striking in the same way as blonde. But it's nice to know that I've tried it and now know what I look like with dark hair. It'll just be my summer look.
I don't know if I'm going to be drinking tonight. I figured I would, but I don't feel like buying alcohol really, I'm not rich right now. Planning trips and needing a new computer, along with not working much... not to mention, I do spend a lot of money on sport.
I suppose the online dating thing is also giving a new edge to my social life. Both I probably could have met up with either yesterday or tomorrow. It's one of their birthdays tomorrow and he asked if we could meet up. Since I have this party tonight in Shellharbour and most likely will be hungover tomorrow, I said probably not, but I don't know. I'm still enjoying the conversation. I approve of the slight anxiety I get after sending a text or saying something kinda cute or flirty. Either way, it's a chance to stretch my flirting muscles. I need to work out what I do right/wrong.
I don't get it when people think it's cute or attractive when someone is bad at something. Like, if you go iceskating and one person is always falling about and the other one has to catch them and they have to go really slowly wobbling about on the ice holding hands.
To be honest, that really doesn't appeal to me at all. Though actually, I've done that at camp in Year 8. It was my birthday and he was the hottest boy ever and I got my first kiss on the cheek and we held hands going around and I redid his laces because he didn't know what he was doing and they weren't tight enough and my best friend got jealous cos he was skating with me so I won that evening (we had a points system- sue us, we were 13). Actually, I turned 14 that day I think. It was my birthday.
Wow that was a good day.
But anyway, off topic. It was actually sparked because there are new spoilers today for Glee-- Kurt and Blaine iceskating in New York, Blaine can do it/ Kurt can't. Or maybe just Darren can and Chris can't, I don't know. But everyone is squeeing and in this case, I don't get it.
Well, actually, there is so much about fandom that I don't get. Maybe that can be this entries topic. I was going to ramble on about how hot is it when guys are good at stuff, but I've done that before. Wht can I say, if I go iceskating, I want a guy that can race me around the rink and skate backwards at least a little bit. Omg, I've so freaking picky.
Okay- other things in fandom.
Why OTP's are generally always focused on two older, white men who are generally strong, powerful, capable and usually at least one is complete Alpha Male. My theory is that it's because these shows like Supernatural, while not originally intended to have the intense and almost complete female demographic 18-35 that they do, means that women characters do not survive very long on television. It's a sexism thing, but it's internalised. It's a 'why do girls hate other girls so damn much?' question. Girls hate random bitches getting between their boys. Even if it's Supernatural and those boys are brothers. That's the relationship we want to see. Girls love bromances. Girls love hardcore "I'll die for you" promises, can't live without you, 'you understand me better than anyone else in the world' relationships. Shippers live for that. And generally since it's all subtextual, it doesn't get fucked up. I mean, if you bring in a girl and try the same thing, it can work. Think, Tiva (kinda, I'm not really on that bandwagon, Tony/Gibbs is my brand of heroin) or Barney/Robyn, I haven't seen X files but I assume Scully/Mulder (are those the right names idk). Lizzy/Gordo, I don't know, Brittana, whatever else I watch. People want the relationships that aren't meant to happen because it means that the writers are developing the relationship naturally and unintentionally, which means that while subtextual, it means that wherever the shipping starts, it is organic. You see it cos it's there, intended or not. And fans do not like being pushed into liking new relationships. It's not like real life exactly. Whoever they are first with is basically who people want them to stay with.
I ship best friends pairings most of the time, whether best bros, most profound bond, even like Sora/Riku for just being the competitive growing up together bros. I mean, I do it in real life too. I hate this getting to know you stage. I can barely even stand it in TV shows. You know what I want. History. Fun memories and past experiences. I just hate the getting there when it's awkward and you don't have a reason to care yet. I keep ignoring BOTH the guys I'm supposed to be getting to know. I don't know why, I just can't be bothered to do anything about it. I don't know them so they don't stack up against anyone I do know. Which leads me into dangerous sulky 'I want you-know-who' territory. Not that that is even a thing, but I was at the trust with everything stage with him and I like that stage. God damnit,
If I wasn't such a lazy, scared, unenthusiastic person, I could be meeting one of them tomorrow. But I am terrified so I don't want to. Update: I think he's kinda annoyed at me for just ignoring him for the last few days. Oh well. I can't decide what I want to do. Both of them want to meet me but I just want to leave it as is.
I just want to date somebody that I already know and that's at wollongong uni and that's smart and not super into going out drinking. I feel like that isn't that high a standard. But then I remember that I also have to find them attractive and be able to talk to them and they need to have similar politics and then I think it's impossible.
Like, today I hung out with a guy I know but have never really talked to much, from my high school. He and I, as well as my bffl and another girl were playing tennis this morning, then went to my bffls and got lunch and watched Inception (which wasn't as amazing as I expected) and who knows, maybe he'll become something of a person of interest. He has awesome arms and a nice smile.
Who knows. Oh the possibilities.
To be honest, that really doesn't appeal to me at all. Though actually, I've done that at camp in Year 8. It was my birthday and he was the hottest boy ever and I got my first kiss on the cheek and we held hands going around and I redid his laces because he didn't know what he was doing and they weren't tight enough and my best friend got jealous cos he was skating with me so I won that evening (we had a points system- sue us, we were 13). Actually, I turned 14 that day I think. It was my birthday.
Wow that was a good day.
But anyway, off topic. It was actually sparked because there are new spoilers today for Glee-- Kurt and Blaine iceskating in New York, Blaine can do it/ Kurt can't. Or maybe just Darren can and Chris can't, I don't know. But everyone is squeeing and in this case, I don't get it.
Well, actually, there is so much about fandom that I don't get. Maybe that can be this entries topic. I was going to ramble on about how hot is it when guys are good at stuff, but I've done that before. Wht can I say, if I go iceskating, I want a guy that can race me around the rink and skate backwards at least a little bit. Omg, I've so freaking picky.
Okay- other things in fandom.
Why OTP's are generally always focused on two older, white men who are generally strong, powerful, capable and usually at least one is complete Alpha Male. My theory is that it's because these shows like Supernatural, while not originally intended to have the intense and almost complete female demographic 18-35 that they do, means that women characters do not survive very long on television. It's a sexism thing, but it's internalised. It's a 'why do girls hate other girls so damn much?' question. Girls hate random bitches getting between their boys. Even if it's Supernatural and those boys are brothers. That's the relationship we want to see. Girls love bromances. Girls love hardcore "I'll die for you" promises, can't live without you, 'you understand me better than anyone else in the world' relationships. Shippers live for that. And generally since it's all subtextual, it doesn't get fucked up. I mean, if you bring in a girl and try the same thing, it can work. Think, Tiva (kinda, I'm not really on that bandwagon, Tony/Gibbs is my brand of heroin) or Barney/Robyn, I haven't seen X files but I assume Scully/Mulder (are those the right names idk). Lizzy/Gordo, I don't know, Brittana, whatever else I watch. People want the relationships that aren't meant to happen because it means that the writers are developing the relationship naturally and unintentionally, which means that while subtextual, it means that wherever the shipping starts, it is organic. You see it cos it's there, intended or not. And fans do not like being pushed into liking new relationships. It's not like real life exactly. Whoever they are first with is basically who people want them to stay with.
I ship best friends pairings most of the time, whether best bros, most profound bond, even like Sora/Riku for just being the competitive growing up together bros. I mean, I do it in real life too. I hate this getting to know you stage. I can barely even stand it in TV shows. You know what I want. History. Fun memories and past experiences. I just hate the getting there when it's awkward and you don't have a reason to care yet. I keep ignoring BOTH the guys I'm supposed to be getting to know. I don't know why, I just can't be bothered to do anything about it. I don't know them so they don't stack up against anyone I do know. Which leads me into dangerous sulky 'I want you-know-who' territory. Not that that is even a thing, but I was at the trust with everything stage with him and I like that stage. God damnit,
If I wasn't such a lazy, scared, unenthusiastic person, I could be meeting one of them tomorrow. But I am terrified so I don't want to. Update: I think he's kinda annoyed at me for just ignoring him for the last few days. Oh well. I can't decide what I want to do. Both of them want to meet me but I just want to leave it as is.
I just want to date somebody that I already know and that's at wollongong uni and that's smart and not super into going out drinking. I feel like that isn't that high a standard. But then I remember that I also have to find them attractive and be able to talk to them and they need to have similar politics and then I think it's impossible.
Like, today I hung out with a guy I know but have never really talked to much, from my high school. He and I, as well as my bffl and another girl were playing tennis this morning, then went to my bffls and got lunch and watched Inception (which wasn't as amazing as I expected) and who knows, maybe he'll become something of a person of interest. He has awesome arms and a nice smile.
Who knows. Oh the possibilities.
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Disagreeable.
I hate it when I chuck out progress.
This is a you-know-who entry.
I am incredibly frustrated with myself.
It's because I'm trying to move on, in a productive way. I have boys that I talk to and that want to get to know me and you know, date and kiss and all that. Well, not just friendship. Beyond that, for all I know they really just want to get into my pants.
But... I can't do it. I can't make myself like them and be enthusiastic about it. I can't make myself want to be with them.
With one, I am a hypocrite. If he gives me an opinion that I think is wrong, like, dead wrong, I call him out on it. I do this because I don't care if he likes me or not, so I'm not risking anything. And I know that if he doesn't change his stupid/ignorant opinion, I'm not going to talk to him again, ignorance is the ultimate turn off. But then, the second biggest turn off is people that just nod and agree when I speak. I want to argue like I want to breathe. But if he argues, he's wrong and if he doesn't, he's not assertive enough for me to be attracted to him.
It's a catch 22 and he can't win. There is literally no way I can see that he could have manuevered that situation gracefully.
And the fact that he likes me means I don't like him. He's too clingy and he's not my type and he seems needy and the guy that complains 'I care more for you than you do for me' and they'd be right, because they're a nice guy but they expect too much and it's the 'I did this for you, so therefore you should do this for me' type expectation, and I would chafe under that.
The other guy, I did like a lot more. He was confident enough to flirt and he likes books and tv shows and sport. He was perfect and for that one day we talked and I avoided study, I actually got excited about him.
But then he stopped replying and I assumed since it was not that long after we started talking on facebook that he just didn't like my photos, decided I wasn't worth his time and I wouldn't hear from him again. But then he did message me again. And I blew him off pretty quick. And then we talked again today, after I'd ignored his previous message and it went well and we got to this 'let's meet up' stage but he lives pretty far away but I think he's going to make a plan to come down and we'll meet somewhere like a coffee shop and get a drink and talk or whatever, and then maybe go to my house and watch NCIS. I think that's the plan, kinda.
I don't know if I want this.
I mean, I do.
But I just... I thought he didn't like me and my automatic reaction to that is 'well, fuck you, I don't like you either' and I guess... now I don't like him much. But he still is good.
And I just keep thinking about you-know-who and I don't know. It's been a year since he and I were in any way connected and I want to move on.
HIMYM has taught me very recently that you know you've moved on the first time you start to get the excited tingles/crush for someone else. And in this whole year, I've really not gotten it. Now I should be, but I haven't and so he lingers with me. So many songs I listen to and think, I want to sing this with him and make him think about these lyrics and me and I want to watch him as he does.
I wish I was on Glee, because only a VERY small fraction of my musical fantasies ever get played out through Singstar.
Anyway, when I think about these guys, and what I want, I jsut think of him and it's ridiculous. You know how I said no one could navigate through the stupid double standards I have?
Well, either he miraculously did it, or he was the one that spurned them. I think the latter. For example, the arguing thing?
My ex boyfriend? Pushover.
You-know-who? I barely ever win. Ever. (I was going to say something else here but TMI)
Either way, I know which I prefer, and it's not backing down from an arguement to reduce stress.
I think I really am going to be one of those people that really gets into angry/made up sex, because I find generally that the more someone pisses me off, the more I tend to like them. Probably TMI there as well... oh well.
I don't know. You-know-who kind of made a bunch of exceptions I had into rules and know I don't know what I like and it's confusing but I just compare people to him and I don't know if it's a fair comparison but they never measure up.
Because I do want someone new and I do want to kiss someone and be with someone and be a couple and argh, I don't even. And I know looks barely matter when you really like someone. I chose you know who over Chord Overstreet for goodness sake, at one point, hypothetically. That was love talking, dude, cos seriously, no comparison.
But these guys I don't know so it's so objective and they are like....okay, this is mean. Like, a 5 and a 7. I shouldn't use the number system I know. It's a girl thing, it makes it easier. It's just an automatic number that takes like 2 seconds to decide.
So I don't forgive them little things like not liking TV shows or being overly-needy or just being downright agreeable, I just end up like 'meh'.
EDIT:
Oh my god. I worked it out. The arguing thing. I worked out how boys do it right. It's when they're right at least half the time. Or at least, it's ambiguous to the point where I feel I'm slightly wrong but can keep arguing despite that. I need to learn a lesson but not go down admitting I was wrong (that's never going to happen. NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. FIGHT THE POWER (etc).
I don't care if a guy is rude or kind of douche-y. This is the asshole effect. I like guys confident enough to tell me I'm wrong and be kind of right about it.
I don't know what that says about me but there you go. I'm going to be a 'I hate you- no, kiss me, no- fuck you, you're such an idiot- why do I like you- don't stop kissing me, dumbass- type person.
What am I saying, that is exactly how I am.
Fuck.
This is a you-know-who entry.
I am incredibly frustrated with myself.
It's because I'm trying to move on, in a productive way. I have boys that I talk to and that want to get to know me and you know, date and kiss and all that. Well, not just friendship. Beyond that, for all I know they really just want to get into my pants.
But... I can't do it. I can't make myself like them and be enthusiastic about it. I can't make myself want to be with them.
With one, I am a hypocrite. If he gives me an opinion that I think is wrong, like, dead wrong, I call him out on it. I do this because I don't care if he likes me or not, so I'm not risking anything. And I know that if he doesn't change his stupid/ignorant opinion, I'm not going to talk to him again, ignorance is the ultimate turn off. But then, the second biggest turn off is people that just nod and agree when I speak. I want to argue like I want to breathe. But if he argues, he's wrong and if he doesn't, he's not assertive enough for me to be attracted to him.
It's a catch 22 and he can't win. There is literally no way I can see that he could have manuevered that situation gracefully.
And the fact that he likes me means I don't like him. He's too clingy and he's not my type and he seems needy and the guy that complains 'I care more for you than you do for me' and they'd be right, because they're a nice guy but they expect too much and it's the 'I did this for you, so therefore you should do this for me' type expectation, and I would chafe under that.
The other guy, I did like a lot more. He was confident enough to flirt and he likes books and tv shows and sport. He was perfect and for that one day we talked and I avoided study, I actually got excited about him.
But then he stopped replying and I assumed since it was not that long after we started talking on facebook that he just didn't like my photos, decided I wasn't worth his time and I wouldn't hear from him again. But then he did message me again. And I blew him off pretty quick. And then we talked again today, after I'd ignored his previous message and it went well and we got to this 'let's meet up' stage but he lives pretty far away but I think he's going to make a plan to come down and we'll meet somewhere like a coffee shop and get a drink and talk or whatever, and then maybe go to my house and watch NCIS. I think that's the plan, kinda.
I don't know if I want this.
I mean, I do.
But I just... I thought he didn't like me and my automatic reaction to that is 'well, fuck you, I don't like you either' and I guess... now I don't like him much. But he still is good.
And I just keep thinking about you-know-who and I don't know. It's been a year since he and I were in any way connected and I want to move on.
HIMYM has taught me very recently that you know you've moved on the first time you start to get the excited tingles/crush for someone else. And in this whole year, I've really not gotten it. Now I should be, but I haven't and so he lingers with me. So many songs I listen to and think, I want to sing this with him and make him think about these lyrics and me and I want to watch him as he does.
I wish I was on Glee, because only a VERY small fraction of my musical fantasies ever get played out through Singstar.
Anyway, when I think about these guys, and what I want, I jsut think of him and it's ridiculous. You know how I said no one could navigate through the stupid double standards I have?
Well, either he miraculously did it, or he was the one that spurned them. I think the latter. For example, the arguing thing?
My ex boyfriend? Pushover.
You-know-who? I barely ever win. Ever. (I was going to say something else here but TMI)
Either way, I know which I prefer, and it's not backing down from an arguement to reduce stress.
I think I really am going to be one of those people that really gets into angry/made up sex, because I find generally that the more someone pisses me off, the more I tend to like them. Probably TMI there as well... oh well.
I don't know. You-know-who kind of made a bunch of exceptions I had into rules and know I don't know what I like and it's confusing but I just compare people to him and I don't know if it's a fair comparison but they never measure up.
Because I do want someone new and I do want to kiss someone and be with someone and be a couple and argh, I don't even. And I know looks barely matter when you really like someone. I chose you know who over Chord Overstreet for goodness sake, at one point, hypothetically. That was love talking, dude, cos seriously, no comparison.
But these guys I don't know so it's so objective and they are like....okay, this is mean. Like, a 5 and a 7. I shouldn't use the number system I know. It's a girl thing, it makes it easier. It's just an automatic number that takes like 2 seconds to decide.
So I don't forgive them little things like not liking TV shows or being overly-needy or just being downright agreeable, I just end up like 'meh'.
EDIT:
Oh my god. I worked it out. The arguing thing. I worked out how boys do it right. It's when they're right at least half the time. Or at least, it's ambiguous to the point where I feel I'm slightly wrong but can keep arguing despite that. I need to learn a lesson but not go down admitting I was wrong (that's never going to happen. NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. FIGHT THE POWER (etc).
I don't care if a guy is rude or kind of douche-y. This is the asshole effect. I like guys confident enough to tell me I'm wrong and be kind of right about it.
I don't know what that says about me but there you go. I'm going to be a 'I hate you- no, kiss me, no- fuck you, you're such an idiot- why do I like you- don't stop kissing me, dumbass- type person.
What am I saying, that is exactly how I am.
Fuck.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Friendship
Friendship dynamics are competitive.
Maybe more for me than regular people, I don't know. Maybe it's just me that takes it too seriously but I don't think so. TO an extent maybe, when I used to ask "so if you love me this much, how much do you like so-and-so?" I do like being validated.
I have lots of good friends. Lots of best friends. I feel like the word best friend should lose some meaning really, but it doesn't.
"Best friend" isn't a position, it's a level of friendship. It's the no holds barred, bare your soul, comfortable to be yourself and change in front of them or ask for eggs for breakfast when they say 'do you want toast?' or be like 'you have plans today? no? oh good, then you're hanging out with me, fun right?" Best friends is like, being able to ask for things and it's the level when you don't mind shouting them something or keeping track of who owes who or sharing things.
I rack up best friends, its funny. I don't make friends easily but best friends comes easily to me. Maybe due to the competitiveness thing. "To be loved is nothing, it is to be preferred that I desire."
The way I see it though, it that I have 3 or4 ish people who have told me recently 'you're my best friend' and that's great, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, but at the same time, the only level higher than best friend is boyfriend and most of my best friends have those so I need more than one bff for the times when bff is absent.
My bffs are mostly by bffl, Mia. I spend a lot of time with her. We're convenient and we have a system that works for us. But lately I've realised (mostly through the fact that we had a sleepover last night and stayed up all night talking, that my BH (my better half) [I'm EH, evil half- these are really old nicknames] actually would like to hang out more and that she is actually quite lonely. She stresses over uni a lot and can be kind of unapproachable sometimes so we leave her to it a lot of the time but when she tells me that she has actually said to her boyfriend 'you are the only friend I have' because she feels that I/we are not being there for her, that sucks. We just need to put more effort in with her, because I love this girl, man.
Anyway, she now feels like a third wheel with me and Mia. And Mia feels like a 3rd wheel with her and our 4th friend. And I feel like a 3rd wheel when... actually, I don't. These are my closest friends and I got lucky, I reached ultimate comfort level.
Still, it's always competitive a bit, who slept over with who, who spent the day together, who works together, who has plans, who went up to Sydney and got a whole bunch of cute photos together and forgot to invite the others, who knows what secrets.
Then you have to be delicate about what you can reveal to the others. Like, if one friend is uncomfortable and you know why, but the other friend doesn't, how do you deal with that?
Then sometimes it's dealing with friends who are more popular than you, that have other friends. So they don't tell you about parties and things they're invited to, cos you weren't. I get satisfaction when I am invited though.
Anyways, this post was just something I was thinking about these last few days, cos I've been around my 3 besties in different combos a bunch of times and it's odd to realise the way people change around each other and that sort of thing.
Maybe more for me than regular people, I don't know. Maybe it's just me that takes it too seriously but I don't think so. TO an extent maybe, when I used to ask "so if you love me this much, how much do you like so-and-so?" I do like being validated.
I have lots of good friends. Lots of best friends. I feel like the word best friend should lose some meaning really, but it doesn't.
"Best friend" isn't a position, it's a level of friendship. It's the no holds barred, bare your soul, comfortable to be yourself and change in front of them or ask for eggs for breakfast when they say 'do you want toast?' or be like 'you have plans today? no? oh good, then you're hanging out with me, fun right?" Best friends is like, being able to ask for things and it's the level when you don't mind shouting them something or keeping track of who owes who or sharing things.
I rack up best friends, its funny. I don't make friends easily but best friends comes easily to me. Maybe due to the competitiveness thing. "To be loved is nothing, it is to be preferred that I desire."
The way I see it though, it that I have 3 or4 ish people who have told me recently 'you're my best friend' and that's great, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, but at the same time, the only level higher than best friend is boyfriend and most of my best friends have those so I need more than one bff for the times when bff is absent.
My bffs are mostly by bffl, Mia. I spend a lot of time with her. We're convenient and we have a system that works for us. But lately I've realised (mostly through the fact that we had a sleepover last night and stayed up all night talking, that my BH (my better half) [I'm EH, evil half- these are really old nicknames] actually would like to hang out more and that she is actually quite lonely. She stresses over uni a lot and can be kind of unapproachable sometimes so we leave her to it a lot of the time but when she tells me that she has actually said to her boyfriend 'you are the only friend I have' because she feels that I/we are not being there for her, that sucks. We just need to put more effort in with her, because I love this girl, man.
Anyway, she now feels like a third wheel with me and Mia. And Mia feels like a 3rd wheel with her and our 4th friend. And I feel like a 3rd wheel when... actually, I don't. These are my closest friends and I got lucky, I reached ultimate comfort level.
Still, it's always competitive a bit, who slept over with who, who spent the day together, who works together, who has plans, who went up to Sydney and got a whole bunch of cute photos together and forgot to invite the others, who knows what secrets.
Then you have to be delicate about what you can reveal to the others. Like, if one friend is uncomfortable and you know why, but the other friend doesn't, how do you deal with that?
Then sometimes it's dealing with friends who are more popular than you, that have other friends. So they don't tell you about parties and things they're invited to, cos you weren't. I get satisfaction when I am invited though.
Anyways, this post was just something I was thinking about these last few days, cos I've been around my 3 besties in different combos a bunch of times and it's odd to realise the way people change around each other and that sort of thing.
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
15
I love me some question lists. I don't know what number I'm up to.... 15? Copied list from a friend....
1. Who was the last person you texted?
do would you wish to be with?
What How do you feel right now?
What Which chocolate is your favourite?
did you have have you had?
a the chance, would you like to have a different life?
you were you've been given?
bestfriend best friend?
Have you ever cheated Did you ever cheat on your partner?
Did you ever have Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a "J"?
as of at the moment?
is was your longest relationship?
Can Would you do something stupid for someone else?
but that you don’t regret?
Did you slap Have you ever slapped anyone whose name starts with an “R”?
can could change anything about yourself, what is it?
as of at the moment?
school university?
Can Could you live without internet?
1. Who was the last person you texted?
Eyebrows. Online friend. Bit of a creeper but what can I say, I like to talk about myself and he likes to listen.2. When is your birthday?
7th December 19933. Who do you want to be with right now?
My dogs.... that would be nice.4. What sports do you play?
Netball and basketball are the only real team sports. The rest is all individual.5. Who is the first person in your contacts?
Myself... idk why, my phone just formats it like that.6. What is your favourite song as of the moment?
But it changes like every two days... right now it's Everybody Talks by Neon Trees.7. If you were stranded on an island, who
Oliver Queen, cos he was stuck on an island and seemed to do okay for himself. Then because he's a bazillionaire when he gets rescued by the masses of search teams looking for him, he will have kept me safe/full and will have fallen in love with me.8.
Achy. Rock climbing owww. Got a bunch of bruises forming, I can feel it.9.
Clinkers. Clinkers clinkers clinkers.10. How many boyfriends/girlfriends
Two.11. Why did you create a Tumblr account?
So I could follow an aweomse fanfic "Learning to Dance". It was a Tup ship, from the Starkid musical Starship and it was brilliant.12. Who is your favourite blogger?
I have lots. She is pretty cool though. First one I thought of.13. Where do you want to be right now?
Right here lol.14. What do you want to be in the future?
A psychologist, hopefully working with autistic children. I think I'd be good at that.15. When was the last time you cried? Why?
Don't remember.16. Are you happy?
Yeah, pretty sure. Not thrilled or excited but happy is my general state of mind :)17. Who do you miss?
My dad. My dogs. My netball girls.18. If you were given
I'd like to trial run it first.19. What was the best thing
A loving and supportiv family.20. Who was the last person who called you?
Mego, confirming plans for tomorrow night.21. What is your favourite dish?
....of food? I like....steak and chips. Yum.22. Who is your
I have a lot so that's hard... Mia is my bffl. I see her most days, I feel almost completely comfortable with her and her family and being at her house and with my secrets and thoughts and actions. I'm her bffl too. I have Megan, who is my most special friend. She's the Brittany to my Santana, I always want to be with her and hug her and protect her and make sure she is happy. I trust her with everything and could never not love her. Bri is best friends with me cos I'm her best friend. Jess is best friends with me cos she's been my bestie since Year 7. Neeby and I are best friends in the 'I'm best friends with you and you and you. We're all best friends!' way. It's complicated. Then for a while you-know-who was my best guy friend. I mean, still is, but he was actually making bff status.23. What is your biggest regret?
I don't know. You'd think it'd be obvious but it's not. I don't regret things really, apart from the cringe worthy embarrassing stuff and I can't think of a particular incident right now. All the bad decisions, I did them for a reason and I usually got something out of them.24.
Depends on your definition I guess, but no.25. Who do you spend crazy moments with?
Miaaaaa26. Name someone pretty.
Jennifer Lawrence.27. Who was the last person you hugged?
Megan.28. What kind of music do you listen to?
Pop, chart hits etc. Taylor Swift, Pink, The Script, Skillet, Kelly Clarkson, The Fray...29. Are you over your past?
Sure.30. Who is the last person in your contacts?
Work.31. What kind of person do you want to date?
Someone smart, sporty, passionate about something. Prettyyyy.32. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
Never.33. From whom was the last text message you received?
Megan.34. What do you prefer: jeans or skirt?
Skirt.35. How’s your heart?
Stubborn. But good.36.
Nope.37. Do you like someone
Nope.38. What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?
Same random crap I say the rest of time I suppose. I sent him a link to porn yesterday. KInd of accidently. It was a pornstars that look like the cast of supernatural tumblr and okay, I was interested. But I'd only seen like a few really softcore things when I sent the link, then I realised I'd just got lucky thus far, it was basically all just porn. And he has a girlfriend now so it was weird. I didn't mean it to be though.39. Do you have any phobias?
No....40. Did you try to change for a person?
Only to make myself seem nicer, wittier, more interesting, smart etc. I'm still always me, just... better.41. What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?
Idk, I try to do sweet things when I can, like friendship bracelets etc. Let's just be more conceptual and say love or something lame.42. Would you go back to your previous relationship?
No times a million.43. Are you in a good or bad mood?
Good.44. Name someone you can’t live without.
Mum. But I mean, I could. If it happened, I don't think I'd drop dead.45. Describe your dream date.
Walking along the beach at night, being lame and kicking water at each other and lots and lots of kissing.46. Describe your dream wedding.
All my friends there, looking pretty, handsome husband to be, mostly just feeling of being sure and being over the moon with giddiness.47. How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?
One I think. I don't even remember. Maybe none.48. Have you ever been kissed?
Sure.49. How long
Six months.50. Do you regret your past?
No, not really.51.
I do dumb things all the times so sure.52. Have you ever cried over someone?
Yes.53. Do you have a grudge against anyone?
Yes. I'm great at grudges.54. Are you a crybaby?
Yes, I cry heaps.55. Do people praise you for your looks?
It isn't unheard of.56. Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?
Sure.57. Have you ever done something bad
Absolutely. Some of the best things I've ever done were bad. I don't care.58. Do you like getting hurt?
No.... unless it's like bruises and things from sport or physical activity. Then I'm proud of them.59. Does anyone hate you?
I don't think so.60.
...Yes, Ryan. To be fair, I was young and he was an asshole.61. What hair colour do you prefer?
Blonde.62. If you
Either looks or awkwardness. But I'm pretty attached to my personality really, as lame as it is.63. Do you love someone
No one new.64. Have you ever thought of killing yourself?
Never.65. Do you have issues with somebody in your
Nope.66.
I wouldn't want to.67. What’s the song that remind[s] you of your special someone?
Can I give you a 100 song playlist? Top of the list are Over My Head, by the Fray, Take A Bow, by Rihanna, Tell Me Why, by Taylor Swift (and just anything by her ever) and lately, All Coming Back To Me Now, by Celine Dion.68. Are you good at holding back your tears?
Not if my life depended on it.69. Are you a crybaby?
Sure.70. Have you ever experienced being hysterical?
Kind of.71. Are you a KPOP fan?
No, Jpop to an extent.72. Do you study hard?
Yes.73. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?
Yes.74. Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight?
Kind of. But not really, it's on the list of weather conditions I want to kiss under.75. Have you ever ridden a boat?
Yes... lots of times.76. Did you have an accident last year?
I'm sure I fell a bunch of times. Sprained a few ankles.77. What kind of person are you?
Smart, awkward, weird, honest.78. Have you ever thought of killing someone?
No, not really.79. Have you ever been jealous?
Sure.80. How can you prove your love to someone?
Being there for them, being their friend, putting their needs before you81. What are you thinking right now?
That this question list is frigging long. Can I sleep yet?82. Who is the 6th person in your contacts?
Corey.83. Do you have any memories you want to erase?
Nah.84. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?
Nah, I like words.85. Did you ever badmouth someone?
All the time.86. Have you ever had an argument with someone?
I'm sure I have today. Probably a bunch.87. Do you have trust issues?
Nope, I trust easily.88. Are you broken-hearted?
Nah. Patched up pretty good. Scar still stings a tad though.89. Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions "love"?
You know who, duh.90. Do you think all the pain is worth it?
Of course. Life is wonderful.91. Do you believe in the phrase "If it’s meant to be, it will be"?
No. Life fucks up a lot.92. Who do you want to marry?
Someone awesome.93. Do you believe in destiny?
Nah bro.94. Have you ever thought "I already found my soulmate"?
Nope. Never been quite so convinced.95. How do you look right now?
Hot, duh. Also tired.96. Do you believe that first true love never dies?
Possibly. Feels that way, ay.97. Have you found your true love?
I have many true loves.... have I ever found one? Yeah, maybe.98. What should you be doing right now?
Sleeping.99. Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.
Garvinh100. Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?
Occasionally. Not really though. Cos good enough for whom? Myself maybe, but I don't think my friends give a damn. They love me as I am.
Television shows should not be able to give me the amount of feels that does.
Just watched HIMYM. Barney broke up with Nick, Robyn's boyfriend for her, by bursting into the restaurant she was trying and failing to end it with him and declaring his love for her.
AND THEN EYES FLICKING TO LIPS AND HEAD TILTING AND THEN THE PHONE FUCKING RANG AND THEN MOMENT WAS OVER ASJKLKGFDFGHJK
Ultimate cockblock. So many feels.
Supernatural is giving me feels as well, but not until Thursday. Then I am going to be sobbing and screaming and keyboard smashing and crying. Lots of crying. But hopefully happy tears. I need a Destiel reunion like I need air.
NCIS and New Girl tomorrow, then SPN and Modern Family Thursday, then Glee (always the feels) and TBBT on Friday.
I love my life.
Just watched HIMYM. Barney broke up with Nick, Robyn's boyfriend for her, by bursting into the restaurant she was trying and failing to end it with him and declaring his love for her.
"She can't go home with you Nick. Because Robyn and I are in love."
"Barney, what are you doing here?"
"Taking care of something you clearly can't do. I'm sorry but you and Robyn are done.
I love her Nick! I love everything about her and I'm not a guy that says that lightly. I'm the guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break even if I wanted to.
And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows."THE FEELS. And then after!
"I'll give you this, you were pretty convincing."
"What can I say, tricking good looking idiots is kind of my thing."
"No, Barney, I mean, you were really convincing."
"Please, I was bro-ing you out. I'm just glad he bought it so quick. Any longer... I'd of had to kiss you."
AND THEN EYES FLICKING TO LIPS AND HEAD TILTING AND THEN THE PHONE FUCKING RANG AND THEN MOMENT WAS OVER ASJKLKGFDFGHJK
Ultimate cockblock. So many feels.
Supernatural is giving me feels as well, but not until Thursday. Then I am going to be sobbing and screaming and keyboard smashing and crying. Lots of crying. But hopefully happy tears. I need a Destiel reunion like I need air.
NCIS and New Girl tomorrow, then SPN and Modern Family Thursday, then Glee (always the feels) and TBBT on Friday.
I love my life.
Monday, 12 November 2012
question list
1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Sometimes. I'm lazy.
2. Does your dad know you like boys yet?
I'm pretty sure I have given him that impression. Last time we talked he asked me "So, any new boys? Girls? No judgement." I rolled my eyes.
3. Do you enjoy drama?
Doesn't everyone enjoy drama. If not, than yes, I do.
4. Are you a girly girl?
I have girly girl facets for sure. I like make up and heels and I like dolls and pretty things. But I also like mud and fighting and rough sports so I fall pretty middle of the spectrum really.
5. Small or large purses?
Large, so I can fit all my shit in.
6. Are you short?
Average sigh. I was short.
7. Do you like somebody?
Well, I have this guy who I have nicknamed my soul mate but no, not really. It's a preemptive nickname.
8. Do you like Halloween?
I'm pretty much ambivalent.
9. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
I have no idea. In the cupboard a lot when I was a kid.
10. Is there any type of rumour going around about you?
Not that I know of lol. I'm pretty scandalous normally.
11. Do you call anybody by their last name?
No lol.
12. What colour is the bra that you're wearing?
Orange and white stripes.
13. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Light but I' m really not that picky with hair colour. I'm more attracted to certain ethnicities (RACIST) than hair colour, as far as features go.
14. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
I am always frustrated with a boy.
15. Do you have a best friend?
Miaaaaa. I have lots of best friends though. It's awesome.
16. Have you ever had your heart broken?
*Looks around at blog* Yeah, I'd say that was accurate.
17. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Not really. I don't have like one thing that I hate.
18. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
I can't remember. I've definietly gone swimming at the beach in clothes. I've always had that fantasy of being chucked in by a guy i like before but it's never eventuated thus far. Ah well hahaha.
19. How long have you had a Tumblr?
About a year and a half maybe?
20. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Yes.... I am sorry for that.
21. What are your biggest fears?
Being not good enough. Being alone.
22. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Like, once in a blue moon and when I do, at least half of my mind is appreciating the drama of it all.
23. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
I'd say there's a correlation but only a mild one between people that cheat once and cheat again.
24. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Occasionally, doesn't everyone?
25. Are you currently missing someone?
Not particularly.
26. Who are you texting right now?
Right right now? No one. lately, one of my internet boys. Nicknamed eyebrows. Is that a mean nickname do you think cos it's hard to keep everyone straight without nicknames.
Sometimes. I'm lazy.
2. Does your dad know you like boys yet?
I'm pretty sure I have given him that impression. Last time we talked he asked me "So, any new boys? Girls? No judgement." I rolled my eyes.
3. Do you enjoy drama?
Doesn't everyone enjoy drama. If not, than yes, I do.
4. Are you a girly girl?
I have girly girl facets for sure. I like make up and heels and I like dolls and pretty things. But I also like mud and fighting and rough sports so I fall pretty middle of the spectrum really.
5. Small or large purses?
Large, so I can fit all my shit in.
6. Are you short?
Average sigh. I was short.
7. Do you like somebody?
Well, I have this guy who I have nicknamed my soul mate but no, not really. It's a preemptive nickname.
8. Do you like Halloween?
I'm pretty much ambivalent.
9. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
I have no idea. In the cupboard a lot when I was a kid.
10. Is there any type of rumour going around about you?
Not that I know of lol. I'm pretty scandalous normally.
11. Do you call anybody by their last name?
No lol.
12. What colour is the bra that you're wearing?
Orange and white stripes.
13. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Light but I' m really not that picky with hair colour. I'm more attracted to certain ethnicities (RACIST) than hair colour, as far as features go.
14. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
I am always frustrated with a boy.
15. Do you have a best friend?
Miaaaaa. I have lots of best friends though. It's awesome.
16. Have you ever had your heart broken?
*Looks around at blog* Yeah, I'd say that was accurate.
17. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Not really. I don't have like one thing that I hate.
18. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
I can't remember. I've definietly gone swimming at the beach in clothes. I've always had that fantasy of being chucked in by a guy i like before but it's never eventuated thus far. Ah well hahaha.
19. How long have you had a Tumblr?
About a year and a half maybe?
20. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Yes.... I am sorry for that.
21. What are your biggest fears?
Being not good enough. Being alone.
22. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Like, once in a blue moon and when I do, at least half of my mind is appreciating the drama of it all.
23. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
I'd say there's a correlation but only a mild one between people that cheat once and cheat again.
24. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Occasionally, doesn't everyone?
25. Are you currently missing someone?
Not particularly.
26. Who are you texting right now?
Right right now? No one. lately, one of my internet boys. Nicknamed eyebrows. Is that a mean nickname do you think cos it's hard to keep everyone straight without nicknames.
Friday, 9 November 2012
I'm trying to think of a topic I have a problem talking about on my blog.
It's hard because there isn't that much. Honestly, I am an open person.
Apart from some sex stuff - and again, that's all relative because I still do share a fair bit, just not all- I'm wondering what I really don't share.
I'm trying to ask myself what is it that you fear? What terrifies you right to the core of your being?
I don't know, what that is. If anything.
I have normal fears and concerns but I can brush them all off pretty well.
Scared of being alone when I'm an adult and never having a significant other and a family and kids? If it happens, I'll always have dogs. I'll always adopt. I'll become a foster carer. I'll go into teaching. I'll be a child psychologist or work with special needs children. I'll be godparent to other children and be there for them 100%. I'll always have friends. I'll always have family.
So I don't need to worry about that. Not really. If things go wrong or off plan, they can't turn too badly that I will have an unhappy and unfulfilled life. And of course things could go wrong, endless possibilities.
I could end up with a bad job I hate, or a bad partner, or a partner that dies tragically, or something else that causes me life long sorrow but you know what, I can't be scared of that, it's just imagination. Nothing points to any of that happening.
Am I scared of being a bad person? Sometimes. I'm selfish, I don't always text back and I always want the bigger half of things and I like attention too much and I'm a follower and I kissed a guy with a girlfriend because I decided I was more important than her and tonight I didn't offer to drive to pick up my brothers pizza and made mum do it and I ignore my mum when she cries and I'm not there for her and I never pick up the clothes on the bathroom floor or wipe down the dining table before she gets home.
I'm a shitty person sometimes and sure, that scares me but I don't think I'm irredeemable.
Right now I have a tension headache from a fanfiction I'm reading. It's upsetting and I'm not crying so... yeah, headache.
Fanfic is funny that way. It makes me cry, it gives me the stomach flipping over feeling that is like a mix between cute oh-the-intimacy feels and oh-god-that's-hot feels. Destiel is where I get a majority of those. It's the driving over the hill above train tracks feeling where your stomach goes up then down. And then sometimes you get double ones, that go up down up down. And they get triggered by the randomest lines I swear.
It's hard because there isn't that much. Honestly, I am an open person.
Apart from some sex stuff - and again, that's all relative because I still do share a fair bit, just not all- I'm wondering what I really don't share.
I'm trying to ask myself what is it that you fear? What terrifies you right to the core of your being?
I don't know, what that is. If anything.
I have normal fears and concerns but I can brush them all off pretty well.
Scared of being alone when I'm an adult and never having a significant other and a family and kids? If it happens, I'll always have dogs. I'll always adopt. I'll become a foster carer. I'll go into teaching. I'll be a child psychologist or work with special needs children. I'll be godparent to other children and be there for them 100%. I'll always have friends. I'll always have family.
So I don't need to worry about that. Not really. If things go wrong or off plan, they can't turn too badly that I will have an unhappy and unfulfilled life. And of course things could go wrong, endless possibilities.
I could end up with a bad job I hate, or a bad partner, or a partner that dies tragically, or something else that causes me life long sorrow but you know what, I can't be scared of that, it's just imagination. Nothing points to any of that happening.
Am I scared of being a bad person? Sometimes. I'm selfish, I don't always text back and I always want the bigger half of things and I like attention too much and I'm a follower and I kissed a guy with a girlfriend because I decided I was more important than her and tonight I didn't offer to drive to pick up my brothers pizza and made mum do it and I ignore my mum when she cries and I'm not there for her and I never pick up the clothes on the bathroom floor or wipe down the dining table before she gets home.
I'm a shitty person sometimes and sure, that scares me but I don't think I'm irredeemable.
Right now I have a tension headache from a fanfiction I'm reading. It's upsetting and I'm not crying so... yeah, headache.
Fanfic is funny that way. It makes me cry, it gives me the stomach flipping over feeling that is like a mix between cute oh-the-intimacy feels and oh-god-that's-hot feels. Destiel is where I get a majority of those. It's the driving over the hill above train tracks feeling where your stomach goes up then down. And then sometimes you get double ones, that go up down up down. And they get triggered by the randomest lines I swear.
This online dating this is really giving me a lot of fodder to talk about
I'm trying to stop apologizing for my opinions.
I guess this makes less sense, talking about this on my blog, where I pretty much say anything and it's totally cool, but with other people, men especially, I usually downgrade my reactions and opinions and ideas. Since I have a fondness for cleaver words used to describe things like this, here's one I've heard 'wominimizing.' Where you start senstences, 'I might be wrong but isn't so-and-so actually...' or 'Sorry, I'm not sure, but maybe it's because you did this part wrong..." or etc etc. It's just lack of confidence in your own opinions and ability to be right.
I do it a lot when it comes to personal feelings or opinions, I accomadate a lot. Like, with this online dating thing, I have to reject guys. I just do, when I'm not attracted to them but they talk to me and I talk back, I'm friendly and then later I have to find a way to break it down that I'm not into them and it is hard. I'm awful at it. I'm not forceful and I put question marks on the ends of all my sentences. For example "I like you, but I don't think we have much in common?" "I don't know how much further we can take this?"
t
These all work just as well without a question mark, and actually would improve it but it scares me to be that bang on target.
In other news, there is this guy that sent me 4 emails of decent length that I did not reply to because I was not interested and really busy with exams, but I was eventually like thanks but no thanks. He did not get the message, kept emailing me, and so I sent him this. I thought I was being straightforward and polite.
I guess this makes less sense, talking about this on my blog, where I pretty much say anything and it's totally cool, but with other people, men especially, I usually downgrade my reactions and opinions and ideas. Since I have a fondness for cleaver words used to describe things like this, here's one I've heard 'wominimizing.' Where you start senstences, 'I might be wrong but isn't so-and-so actually...' or 'Sorry, I'm not sure, but maybe it's because you did this part wrong..." or etc etc. It's just lack of confidence in your own opinions and ability to be right.
I do it a lot when it comes to personal feelings or opinions, I accomadate a lot. Like, with this online dating thing, I have to reject guys. I just do, when I'm not attracted to them but they talk to me and I talk back, I'm friendly and then later I have to find a way to break it down that I'm not into them and it is hard. I'm awful at it. I'm not forceful and I put question marks on the ends of all my sentences. For example "I like you, but I don't think we have much in common?" "I don't know how much further we can take this?"
t
These all work just as well without a question mark, and actually would improve it but it scares me to be that bang on target.
In other news, there is this guy that sent me 4 emails of decent length that I did not reply to because I was not interested and really busy with exams, but I was eventually like thanks but no thanks. He did not get the message, kept emailing me, and so I sent him this. I thought I was being straightforward and polite.
Me: hope you go well on your exams but honestly, I don't think we're
compatible, even as friends. I think I'd prefer to just end our
communication here...
Sorry
Since then he has sent me two MORE emails.
Sorry
Since then he has sent me two MORE emails.
okkk i dont knoww...
if u feel like that its up on you.....
i am not disturbing you anymore... if you would like to come back to meee again... anytime you r welcome for a friendshippp......
i hope you too goood luck on your exams and i hope u willl get all HD in your exam...
may seee u some where in the future....
if u feel like that its up on you.....
i am not disturbing you anymore... if you would like to come back to meee again... anytime you r welcome for a friendshippp......
i hope you too goood luck on your exams and i hope u willl get all HD in your exam...
may seee u some where in the future....
heyy...
My dear friend... what had happened to uuu... r u really stressed that what i got while reading your profile update.....dont worry u stay sometime in beach or lokking the beauty of nature u will be getting relaxed..
And don't worry about gay rights and alll its right ... and people like to follow that what is the problem.. you know i am not a gay.. but i have frndss who are gay.. its not a problem.. its a persons wish to follow what he want to follow...
Also I am a person who believes in equality among men and women... there is no difference between the rights of men and women... the have equal freedom... whenever something comes dont be afraid be bold and express yourself then no one can supress you...
I hope you are all right and i thinkk you had done well on your exams....
Also wishing you and your and friendsss a happy and enjoyable road trip to goldcoastt..... enjoy the summer vaccationnnn.......
Jesus Christ, what the fuck.
Why has he made this attachment to me.
This is how stalkers are made.
My dear friend... what had happened to uuu... r u really stressed that what i got while reading your profile update.....dont worry u stay sometime in beach or lokking the beauty of nature u will be getting relaxed..
And don't worry about gay rights and alll its right ... and people like to follow that what is the problem.. you know i am not a gay.. but i have frndss who are gay.. its not a problem.. its a persons wish to follow what he want to follow...
Also I am a person who believes in equality among men and women... there is no difference between the rights of men and women... the have equal freedom... whenever something comes dont be afraid be bold and express yourself then no one can supress you...
I hope you are all right and i thinkk you had done well on your exams....
Also wishing you and your and friendsss a happy and enjoyable road trip to goldcoastt..... enjoy the summer vaccationnnn.......
Jesus Christ, what the fuck.
Why has he made this attachment to me.
This is how stalkers are made.
I have the weirdest fucking dreams.
I was going to a club. There was this whole plot about this guy who was trying to kill me but I've forgtten it cos it was like 24hours ago, but I was going to this club and I knew you-know-who was going to be there with his girlfriend, who'd I'd replaced in my dream with a girl I'm friends with at work. They didn't actually show up in the dream. Then I took people I knew from primary school, high school, sports teams, and made them all part of this club experiences, randomly assorting them into good guys and bad guys.
When it comes to my dreams, people could end up anywhere because all my wires cross over. People I like become people I don't, people I know become friends with people I sort of know, or don't know, or are two completely opposing parts of my life, or one person is called by the name of someone else, but still looks like themselves.
Usually only the main stars get to play themselves, you know who obviously, he still tends to play main love interest on occasion, same with Mia by bffl, her role is generally her regular, though apparent;y wires crossed even more majorly last week when I dreamed we were romantically involved. I did tell her that she got preggers, though not that they were mine ahaha. My Meggles generally gets 'helpless and needs to be protected at all costs, idk if she's ever had a romantic dream.
Too be fair though, I know all that means nothing. I've had way more disturbing ones. When I was Alice from Alice in Wonderland and I gave a (human) White Rabbit a blow job after he blackmailed me into it holding the 'drink me' bottle hostage (at least it wasn't the eat me one). I've dreamed about a teacher with a whip, of all things. That was only like 5% sexual, the rest it was actually used to whip kids to cause them pain for punishment. Or the time I dreamed of a parent naked.
Brains are weird. Dreams are weird. I wish I could lucid dream. That'd be fucking amazing.
I was going to a club. There was this whole plot about this guy who was trying to kill me but I've forgtten it cos it was like 24hours ago, but I was going to this club and I knew you-know-who was going to be there with his girlfriend, who'd I'd replaced in my dream with a girl I'm friends with at work. They didn't actually show up in the dream. Then I took people I knew from primary school, high school, sports teams, and made them all part of this club experiences, randomly assorting them into good guys and bad guys.
When it comes to my dreams, people could end up anywhere because all my wires cross over. People I like become people I don't, people I know become friends with people I sort of know, or don't know, or are two completely opposing parts of my life, or one person is called by the name of someone else, but still looks like themselves.
Usually only the main stars get to play themselves, you know who obviously, he still tends to play main love interest on occasion, same with Mia by bffl, her role is generally her regular, though apparent;y wires crossed even more majorly last week when I dreamed we were romantically involved. I did tell her that she got preggers, though not that they were mine ahaha. My Meggles generally gets 'helpless and needs to be protected at all costs, idk if she's ever had a romantic dream.
Too be fair though, I know all that means nothing. I've had way more disturbing ones. When I was Alice from Alice in Wonderland and I gave a (human) White Rabbit a blow job after he blackmailed me into it holding the 'drink me' bottle hostage (at least it wasn't the eat me one). I've dreamed about a teacher with a whip, of all things. That was only like 5% sexual, the rest it was actually used to whip kids to cause them pain for punishment. Or the time I dreamed of a parent naked.
Brains are weird. Dreams are weird. I wish I could lucid dream. That'd be fucking amazing.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Politics
I'm so happy.
Obama won.
I've been so anxious about this for weeks. I woke screaming this morning. Okay, I don't know if that was related but it probably was. Being chased by a rat the size of the possum, falling and having it scuttle all the way to my neck, is pretty much a clear metaphor for Mitt Romney right?
Yeah I don't know.
But none-the-less, I was freaking out so I'm glad everything went well. Tumblr showed just how damn political we are (in the best way- all liberal of course, no Republican could survive on Tumblr). This post really does perfectly sum up the fandom side of tumblr.
And boobs. Tumblr loves boobs. What am I saying, everyone loves boobs. Except maybe gay guys...
Anyway, Obama won, more women, POC and LGBT members of Senate, passed some more marriage equality bills, plus marijuana bills, though I don't support that being legalised.
Everything else is good though.
Obama won.
I've been so anxious about this for weeks. I woke screaming this morning. Okay, I don't know if that was related but it probably was. Being chased by a rat the size of the possum, falling and having it scuttle all the way to my neck, is pretty much a clear metaphor for Mitt Romney right?
Yeah I don't know.
But none-the-less, I was freaking out so I'm glad everything went well. Tumblr showed just how damn political we are (in the best way- all liberal of course, no Republican could survive on Tumblr). This post really does perfectly sum up the fandom side of tumblr.
"I love how tumblr is a bunch of really intellectual activists who understand politics, religion, sexuality, and literature better than most of the human populationIt's embarrassing how true that is. I love tumblr for both. Smart girls need both intellectual stimulation, advanced subtext analysis and meta, political and social activism, and a lot of gay porn, NSFW smut, lots of pics of butts and abs, and they need to drown in pools of tears over assholes like Darren Criss BECAUSE THEY CAN'T EVEN. HIS FACE. UNF.
but put an exceptionally attractive British man in front of them and everyone is reduced to
ALKSDJFLADSJFLJASLDJF;KSADJFLJSDLKFJS
OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU FACE SIR
UNF UNF UNF UNF GET NAKED IN MY BED NOW
THE NOISE I MADE WAS NOT HUMAN
And boobs. Tumblr loves boobs. What am I saying, everyone loves boobs. Except maybe gay guys...
Anyway, Obama won, more women, POC and LGBT members of Senate, passed some more marriage equality bills, plus marijuana bills, though I don't support that being legalised.
Everything else is good though.
The stress of online dating, I swear to God.
It's ridiculous. I'm a girl and I have a decent profile pic, so I get lots of creepers sending me 'I'm interested/you're cute' kisses (and I say creepers only because they're 30+. Some 50+.) Lots of Indian guys. One sent me 5 emails over like 2 days. Eventually I bothered to reply, and I was polite, but then he was like 'I finish exams on the 14th, we should go out' and I am not interested in this guy at all, but he sent me five emails. I had to respond and I HAVE A VERY AVOIDANT PERSONALITY.
I avoid everything that I don't want to know or deal with. I forgot my keys today which would have led to a 5 hour lock out of my house. I thought of it only a minute after leaving the house. I didn't check until 3 hours later, right before I went to head home. I don't check results, or tests. I act nice when I'm not thinking nice things.
So this happened. (This is me talking to my best friend. Guys, if you don't know how girls work when they are talking to you, this might be informative).
It's ridiculous. I'm a girl and I have a decent profile pic, so I get lots of creepers sending me 'I'm interested/you're cute' kisses (and I say creepers only because they're 30+. Some 50+.) Lots of Indian guys. One sent me 5 emails over like 2 days. Eventually I bothered to reply, and I was polite, but then he was like 'I finish exams on the 14th, we should go out' and I am not interested in this guy at all, but he sent me five emails. I had to respond and I HAVE A VERY AVOIDANT PERSONALITY.
I avoid everything that I don't want to know or deal with. I forgot my keys today which would have led to a 5 hour lock out of my house. I thought of it only a minute after leaving the house. I didn't check until 3 hours later, right before I went to head home. I don't check results, or tests. I act nice when I'm not thinking nice things.
So this happened. (This is me talking to my best friend. Guys, if you don't know how girls work when they are talking to you, this might be informative).
Me: one guys really got the wrong idea and i dont know how to say... i dont know
(I copied and pasted convo except)
Him: thanks for adding
Me: it's cool
Him: now is facebooking
then texting
then talk on the phone, then meeting for coffee, then walking at the beach, then having a chat until all people sleep in hahaha"
Him: now is facebooking
then texting
then talk on the phone, then meeting for coffee, then walking at the beach, then having a chat until all people sleep in hahaha"
------
So Yeah, I didn't avoid. I confronted. And he didnt get it and I had to confront 3 times. He is a really nice guy but.
Still, achievement awards goes to Lucy.
The other guy I was talking to tonight, who is better but still not... great, though he likes me a lot (I like guys calling me pretty), also thinks I'm pretty into him and I'm not really...
I mean, he's good to talk to but he doesn't read. I have this list of things Mia and I go through when we see a profile. I abhor the word 'genuine', obviously cull anyone that smokes or drinks a lot, or whose profile says 'I don't read much lol'. I lean towards the shy but sporty, or who like NCIS or Supernatural. Or if they have the Fray or the Script or something in their music. Honestly, profiles are lots of fun to judge, but since it's mostly lame stuff I'm judging, I figure it's okay.
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