i hate you

"I hate you," Castiel told him.  Dean bit his lip to keep from smiling when he added, "That's blatantly untrue, yet it made me feel better to say it.  That doesn't make sense."

Wow, how fucking true is that? Maybe this is just me, but I tend to annoy and bitch and tell the people I love that I hate them and that they suck a whole lot more than the people I don't care about.

I'm going to split this up into the bunch of reasons I think I do this.

1) I have the emotional capacity of a 5 year old boy and I pull on the pigtails of the people I like because it makes them pay attention to me. Or in my case, idk, stealing boys hats is actually a reoccurring theme of mine. I need to work on that.

2) We find it easiest to be mad at the people we love because we trust that they'll listen and forgive us and understand. I find it much harder to be mad at my dad than my mum.

3) I don't know, it's just a way of utalising our understanding of the english language. When people know I don't really dislike them, going for the major high modal words like hate is exaggeration and therefore ironic. Nah, I just wanted to see how many techniques I could fit into that sentence.

Anyways, I'm going to go back to reading brilliant Destiel fanfic (and it's not even smut- yet). This is the second time that something in a fic has sparked a journal entry.

Adios xx

Boys with girlfriends

I've always hesitated to do this entry, but I feel like I can do it now without feeling like a totally awful person.

Question: Are guys with girlfriends more attractive?

Answer: Yes.

I'm going to start this entry with a quote. When you-know-who first told me he liked me, and god knows I was already head over heels, I was on some random yahoo answers page. I saved this quote and a bunch of others to read whenever I needed it.

OK, let me explain what you want: You want him to dump his girlfriend and date you. You want to feel special, as if you are better than his old girlfriend. Don't lie!- you would be utterly pleased if he dumped the b*tch right now and knocked on your door and said he was single and wanted you.

Let me explain why that is foolish:

He does NOT like you more than her. He does NOT think you are better than her.

Also, he is NOT only flirting with you on the side. He is banging his girlfriend, and he is hoping that he might be able to hook up with you too. However, even though he wants sexual stuff from you, he doesn't value you as high as his actual girlfriend- or else he would dump her for you, it's that simple! Guys don't have that much of a conscience as girls do, hon- he just simply doesn't like you like that.

Stop being a relationship wrecker and STOP FLIRTING WITH HIM! The other woman is JUST AS BAD as the cheater, if she knows that the guy is in a relationship!

Yeah, so... I knew. I always knew. It was bad and I knew it.

But... my focus isn't cheating exactly right now. It's the girlfriends. Did I like him because he had one? If he'd been single, would I have ever gone there? Was it the fact that he was expressing interest in me while having a girlfriend what made me want him as badly as I did?

My answer... no. It wasn't a forbidden fruit attraction. If ever it made me feel good to know that he wanted me, there were five times it made me feel shit to know that he didn't want me enough.

What's attractive about guys with girlfriends... is knowing that another girl thinks they're boyfriend worthy. It's like a girl seal of approval, in a crazy way. So it doesn't have to be a guy with a girlfriend, it just has to be one that's had a girlfriend successfully, that you've seen and been like 'fuck, he'd actually be great, where is my boyfriend that treats me like that?'. Maybe the 'with a girlfriend' thing is more apparent because it's like, right there. It's not just a hypothetical thing, it's that he's actually right now someone that's a great boyfriend and people like him and want him.

I'm not saying this is what I was thinking, because it's not. This isn't me speaking from experience because personally, I never saw him with his girlfriend -or if i did, it was rare- and the boys I did think 'damn, I want a relationship like that' I wasn't generally attracted to, but that is what I think is generally true.

For me, it was always the worst part of loving him, knowing he had her. It wasn't that I was trying to one-up some girl that I barely knew, or make myself feel vindicated and worthy by being the chosen one. Would it have felt good? I won't deny that, but it wasn't my motivation.

Maybe 'pure' is the wrong word because I agree what I was doing was wrong, but my intentions weren't ever malicious, just selfish. I wanted him and I wanted him to be happy with me. That was pretty much it.

par-tay

I'm pretty much the antithesis of 'social'. I look forward to being alone, to hanging out by myself and watching Supernatural and wearing old pajamas and dancing around in my underwear singing. Now that I'm home 4 mornings a week by myself, I get ample time for this, which is great.

But I am trying pretty hard to go out and join things and do things involving other people. I'm not completely sporty, but I wish I was. Like, I'm competitive and really like being good at things. I'm not great at sport but I do quite a bit of it, and I'm always trying to get better. Sometimes it's running, though that's got a bit out of reach lately, I just can't get motivated, sometimes it's Saturday netball (finals this week, after a disappointing loss at major semis), or indoor netball (which I do with my mum), or rock climbing (indoor, which I'm hoping is going to be a weekly thing). I've started basketball too, which is scary but fun, and it's with people I don't know as well, so it did take some guts to show up and do that last week, but now I think I'm going to really enjoy it, especially with no more saturday netball comp. Which also means no more fitness training/netball training twice a week, or no coaching or umpiring. My life is gonna have a lot less commitments all of a sudden, but it's sad because I did love those things. I will hopefully coach my team again next year. I hated it sometimes because having commitments can be overwhelming sometimes when all I want to do is go home and sleep but I have something mandatory to do, and it got a bit tedious, but it was worth it. I did end up loving those little nerdy annoyances that made up my team. Fairy Meadow Finders.... good times.

But yeah, I guess that was me getting out there a bit, making new friends and knowing more people and getting involved. Sport is good for that I think. I'm not good at parties and such. Not that I go to many with people I don't know there but small talk isn't my thing and people always end up remembering the other girls and not me. Which is okay lol, I accept that. The fact is though that even when I go to parties with so called 'popular' people, the kind that go out and drink and such, we still usually end up doing normal things like playing Mario Kart or Wii and hanging around, just you know, normal. Which is what I like, to be honest, but it doesn't get me out there much.

I like to think I can get out of my comfort zone sometimes, whether to prove my bffl wrong, or because I think it will be fun or just to try something new. I don't get invited to big parties really (I'm not popular) and if I do, I don't always go, because obviously, they don't suit me well. Not only will none of my friends go, leaving me to make my own way, but it's uncomfortable and not super fun. My friends can be kind of disappointing sometimes, because I don't have anyone on the same level as me... except my bffl who is pretty close. No one likes clubbing like I do, or is willing to try alcohol to the same limits as me, or is I guess... just at the same maturity for these things. I have ones that are much higher, that are completely comfortable with things that I don't know how to do or understand or want, and ones that don't get into it at all, or that try but don't really enjoy it and I feel bad for encouraging them to when they don't end up having that much fun. But I just like trying new things sometime and having a few drinks to try to find things I like. Not much success on that front yet, but there have been improvements, I tried a few new drinks on Friday night that weren't bad, and I'll have more chances this weekend at my cousins 21st.

My best friend is the closest to me in this, which is good. She doesn't like to drink at all which is fine. She isn't against it morally, which is my biggest pet peeve, when people get all judge-y when I say I'm going to drink. Mia just doesn't like the taste and isn't going to put herself through yucky tastes for the effects, which I approve of. My family is much bigger on alcohol though, and I know that people do enjoy the taste of alcohol, I just have to find what I like :)

I think I approve most of a  mix between doing 'adult' things like going out to clubs and having alcohol at parties, and having movie nights and going out for dinner and meeting up at the park to chill etc, things we enjoyed before we turned 18. I certainly don't think you need alcohol to have a good time, I've never had a better time with alcohol than without it, but I don't rule it out either.

Moderation is key etc.

la la la music

It's been a source of puzzlement to me why I always seem to dwell on you-know-who whenever I walk. Like, I walk home from the free bus most days I have uni and that's 30 minutes, and just in general, I'm always walking somewhere.

I've always just assumed it had something to do with me just having free time to think and it was my automatic place to jump to but I don't think that now. I think it's the music. It's my bloody music, playing me songs that reminds me of him all the time while I'm walking. I tend to associate music with him a lot, lots of songs and I'm still always playing them and that's what it is.

I'm so pleased to have finally worked that out.

I'm trying to remember what I thought about today... I really should just grab my ipod and see what songs I listened to.... The Story Of Us, that's an old one that I rediscovered today, that's basically... this is looking like a contest, of who can act like they care less, but I liked it better when you were on my side.

I really haven't talked to him much this month, like at all. I said hi once and he ignored me so I never tried again. Sometimes I think I should, but really, what is there to say? Pointless conversations annoy me more than saying nothing at all. It's not like before when I wanted to tell him things, now I just want to reconnect so we don't lose contact entirely. It's not complicated now, it's more just... is it worth it and am I bothered?

Another song I listened to today... you taught me how to hate you, and I was so in love...

People and relationships do change majorly. I never thought I could hate him or dislike him really. He knew that, I told him that. But I can. I didn't actually listen to this today but now he's just somebody that I used to know. Lol.

It's funny to think you can be so close to someone, like, wanting them to have everything of you, to trust them that much with your feelings and insides and vulnerabilities, but later to feel so little.

I miss that closeness. For me, my favourite part of relationships/friendships is when it's dark and you can't see each other and you just lie there and talk and all that matters is your voices and the words you say and you feel like you can speak so honestly. When you just open up and feel like there isn't so much unnecessary space between you, I love that. I live for that in friendships and I also find that same feeling when holding hands in the dark or kissing or hugging, whatever. Not just with you-know-who, just in general.

I speak sometimes about getting a boyfriend for dumb reasons. Well, not dumb, but superficial. Reasons that have everything to do with me and nothing to do with the other person and the relationship between them and I. But I really do want that serious relationship. Whether one day or tomorrow, preferably sooner rather than later though, because I'm honestly ready for it.

My best friend and I were talking a while back, just about nothing, and I remember saying 'I can't imagine you engaged.' which is true, I can't, and at our age that's only just just moving into the realms of possibility. She retorted with 'Well, I can't imagine you having sex!' so well yeah, I'll go put some ice on that burn, but my point of retelling this now was that I've started to imagine it. Not the sex, the engaged. The married. The family. Having kids, that kind of adult life.

Maybe I'm not ready for it, but part of me is. Part of me is so looking forward to it. I really do feel that kind of maturity beginning for me. A friend of mine's cousin just found out they were pregnant and I was there when they announced it and I got pretty caught up in that excitement. And I know that they were mid 20's or whatever but I want that. I do. Isn't that crazy?

I want to be intimate with someone in every way, I want to fall in love for real, and be in a serious relationship. I'm not trying especially hard to find it but god, I do want it. Hopefully I'll meet someone soon. Maybe this weekend, I'm going to a 21st, my mother wants to hook me up with some early 20's something guy, the older brother of my cousins ex bf/step brother. What an awkward connection ay, but good looking and rich so I've heard so we'll see. I'm looking forward to meeting guys there maybe.

dreams

I truly think that I have the weirdest dreams out of everyone I know. Not only do I dream much more and remember more vividly, I also have the most random and disturbing content.

Like, this morning I murdered someone with a rusty nail to the temple and then I dreamed I was Harry Potter and Ron and I had some friends with benefits deal, but I wanted it to mean something so I told him to kiss me, and he was like 'what, isn't that kinda gay? No homo' and I was like, 'screw you, yes homo', and so I kissed him. Then Hermione caught us and I kissed her instead.

I really just don't know what to take from that.

13- and it goes on foreverrrrrr

What makes someone a best friend?

The person that just gets you and all your faults and hang ups and how lame you are and accepts it anyway. Like, my bffl is the person that knows exactly how unconfident I am and how unassertive and doesn't miss a chance to point it out. Like when talking about me coaching, she was like 'oh, and how do you speak to them? Come on guys! Could you um, maybe go run now? If you feel like it? Um." Except she's right, I do speak like that, it's eerie how well she knows. Or she congratulates me if I'm able to brush off a shop assistant or if instead of following her lead, I make her follow mine. But she makes me better and I'm so thankful to have her. I think best friends are the people you're allowed to let know that you're grateful to have them in your life. But at the same time, I'm allowed to bag her out for the weirdo parts of her personality. With girls, it's like, I know I'm in because I see her in her home clothes, like baggy unflattering jumpers, though she'd never leave the house like that, and she'll be like 'You know, I don't get it how..." rather then just give me a patent 'are you stupid?' look for asking the question when she actually doesn't know either. I also think a big part of being best friends, (this was a meme), if you're guys, it's when you look at a hot girl and are like 'she's hot' 'agreed'. If you're girls, it's the ability to look at a hot girl and be like 'She's a bitch' 'agreed'. BFFLS FOR LYFE.

What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most?
In 2001, the year of the bushfires, I got an Amazing Ally doll, which was pretty fucking cool at the time, she had like chips that you inserted and you could play games with her and she talked and omg, she was the shit. When the bushfires came close enough on Christmas evening to our house that we couldn't get home beacuse the road was blocked off, it was the first thing I took when we started walking home.

Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life.
A book that changed my life is Harry Potter because without it I might not have started writing fanfiction, a play that changed my life is Starship, because without it I wouldn't have found Tumblr, a TV show that changed my life is Glee, for obvious reasons and song... 'I kissed a girl' was a pretty big deal for me back in year 9.Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike.
I like my hair and I don't like my arms.

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with?
Yes... I'd like to reconnect more with Jess, but I'm seeing her tomorrow. I'd like to talk to you-know-who, but I'm not doing anything about that and my best friend from my childhood Mimi. 

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection?
...Maybe physical attraction. I mean, obviously an emotional connection is vital as well, but without physical attraction, how is it different to just being friends. I think that attractiveness comes from emotional connection to a large extent however so you don't usually have one without the other.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title.
Ice Age 4.

What holiday do you most look forward to?
Christmas :) Pressies and rellies and food.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not?
Drink yes. My mum might be an alcoholic but I dont have a problem with alcohol. I gave a few drinks now and then and it's fine, as I'm trying to find things I don't dislike, but I don't care about it. I don't smoke. Ew.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people?
One or two friends I think. Or maybe like 5 close friends, all just watching a movie or gossiping or something. Like at sleepovers.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Chicken.

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship?
Yeah, I'd just press for marrige earlier I guess. I mean, I'd have to check their views on a bunch of other contentious religious issues first like abortion and gay marriage but no sex until marriage alone wouldn't send me running.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say?
"It's not worth it Lucy, please trust him less."

What’s your “quirkiest” habit?
I give each person I meet a rating on the bangable scale when I see them.

What is “normal?” Are you normal?
Normal is just what a majority of people are like. I'm pretty normal in some ways, Ihave the same desires to be liked, to have a boyfriend, to be understood, to be happy, to have money and fun etc, but i'm not normal in that I'm more intelligent than your average person, I'm less social than average and I'm really shy.

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer?
I don't know. Depends how it was. I wouldn't rule it out.

What is one thing you could never forgive?
Killing someone I love.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single?
Be in a relationship...

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends?
It's unlikely but possible.

Where do you and your friends go to hang out?
Each others houses mostly.

What is the best TV theme song ever?
Sleepover Club/ Saddle Club.

When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up?
Doctor.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked?
Yeah, or in just undies/bra.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind?
The parts with you-know-who, this summer hanging out with my bffl at the beach/mall etc, HSC study. Nothing really from uni sticks out at all lol.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job?
Nope.

Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work?
I could do it, but it would be very hard... actually I don't know. I'd probably go for it but I'd suck at it.

What’s the best route to your heart?
Stomach.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life?
No but I want to!

What is your favorite sport?
Netball x a million.

What has been troubling you lately?
Food. Diet.

Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not?
I enjoyed it. It was fun, I like dressing up and being with friends. I like seeing guys I like in suits. I like dancing and celebrating.

Tell me about the last book you read.
I'm rereading 'The other Boleyn girl' right now.

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given?
I got 'You're the best coach ever!' today. That was very sweet.

Who was your first crush?
His name was Daniel. He was the boy across the road.

Do you believe that there is life on other planets?
Yeah, I think it's egocentric to believe we're the only life out there.

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to?
I have my teddy 'Tedda Boy'. I used to have one called 'Tedda GIrl' but idk what happened to her. I have all my Kelly dolls still.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have.
I think/know this is transphobic but if gender roles are mostly socially constructed and there aren't girl toys/colours/actions/games/sports/etc, then how is someone one or the other, apart from their genitals/chromosomes? I'm a girl because I have girl parts. And so then, you get transgender people, FTM etc that are completely 'feminine' still, as per gender roles, but they are just like 'well, I'm a man, who cares if I like pink.' Or they still like guys and instead of being a straight girl, are now a gay man. I don't understand the difference. Either you are your gender because of genetics or you act in the way that is socially expected of that gender. Otherwise what part of you is 'male' or 'female'? I know if transgender people read this, I'm probably offending them so I'm sorry about that but I don't get it.

What is your ethnic heritage?
Aboriginal/ Irish/ Australian obvs.

Describe a person that inspires you.
Starkid inspires me. Everyone in Starkid inspires me, especially Meridith Stephian and Darren Criss. It's the way they work hard and are so funny and such genuine friends and people. They don't care about what they look like, just that they're doing what they love and being dorks and being who they are.

Do you believe in luck?
Yeah, everything is random so getting luck is great. No divine plan, just getting what you can out of what you get. I've got the lucky rolls of the dice thus far, not being born starving in Africa, and having a pretty high IQ so I'm just hoping that keeps up.

Describe the last time you were very angry at someone.
THis morning, I was running late and I blamed Mum (I was waiting out the front for her to get home so I could leave) and I was so stressed out and I was swearing cos that makes me feel better (there are studies on this, saying taboo words out loud is great for reducing tension and stress in yourself. It literally does help, like if you get hurt, swearing does make you feel better. So when I'm really upset, I reel off a few choice words I never say out loud otherwise (I do type them when I blog sometimes though). But anyway, I was stressed and angry at mum.

Do you want to live until you’re 100?
Duh, it's all part of my plan. 107 would be ideal though, because I want to be alive in the 22nd century.

Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change?
Yeah, people do change a bit, but more than that, people just grow up and move into different stages of their lives and I don't think that can be possible to stay together when people end up on really different pages.

Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them?
And I'd do it again. Friendship is great but if you have a chance to make something special, go for it.

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends?
Alone doing something I enjoy, but a mix is good. Also things I enjoy with my friends.

Do you practice what you preach?
Mostly but I'm not perfect.

If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly?
Maybe but it's still worth it to have precautions.

What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence?
Intelligence.

Are you hard-headed?
Lol yes. I'm stubborn as heck.

When have you felt most alive?
When I'm either being really active, like playing a great game of netball, or when I'm feeling something extreme and I think this is what life is about.

How do you know what true love is?
You don't. But when you are both comfortable around someone and the most aware at the same time. When someone lights you up just by being themselves. Someone that supports you and loves you and deals with all your quirks and just fits.

Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die?
...If it were far away. If it turns out to be a month from now I'd be pretty pissed and would rather not know.

Where is “home” for you?
Where I live.

What song best describes your life right now?
This ones for the girls, by Martina McBride. Idk, first thing I saw in my itunes.

Do you want to be perfect?
Yes please.

What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back?
I don't know... I'm supposed to be running a 9k in three weeks but I keep hesitating and now I don't think I'm going to do it. I'm scared and lazy.

How do you express your creativity?
Writing and drawing mainly. Blogging lol.

Describe your neighborhood.
Pretty chill. It's the suburbs. Not the nicest suburb, not the worst.

Name something you only liked because it was popular.
Maybe the Avengers? I mean, they were good, but I don't know if I'd like them if they weren't popular or if they are just overrated.

Give me the story of your life in six words.
I am such a fail lol

Mr Right or Right-now (oh look at that, that's almost a pun)

I'm so awkward.

Being awkward sucks.

Like, when everyone is just sitting there chatting, doing their thing, some people doing exactly the same  thing as me, it's always me that people comment on and be like 'Are you okay Lulu? You look so awkward!' and "Just be confident, like you own it."

It's not that I don't like going out and being in a club, I do. I like getting dressed up and having a drink and dancing.

I know I'm not good at being social though. I don't know how to be in the middle of conversations, I never have responses when people talk to me. It's hard being shy and as well as that, being boring. Some people just are able to be so confident and funny and interesting that they're always right in the centre of everything, whereas I always feel like I'm right on the fringes, trying desperately to be a part of it but not always succeeding.

I'm hoping this is just a universal feeling. Everyone feels like they don't fit in sometimes right? I don't think I'm alone in this, I just wish it happened less often.

It makes me remember why I wanted a boyfriend way back when, I was just desperate for someone that would be my plus-one and who would sit next to me and talk to me and I wouldn't have to be alone when my friends were off with their boyfs. And it worked, I mean, when I did get a boyfriend, that's why I did it and it did what I planned it to. When I went to parties I wasn't alone and I felt more socially right.

It wasn't a stupid reason to get a boyfriend, even if it was selfish. But I did mean to make that clear to my bf, that it was more about the present and right-now and short term, rather than me looking for some lasting relationship, because that's never what it was about for me. He was convenient I suppose, and I liked him enough. I wasn't ever using him, I did genuinely like him and enjoyed his company but it would never have lasted because I never wanted it to.

But not all relationships have to be serious, especially in high school. I don't think that we did it just the way everyone else was doing it but I don't think it was wrong. At the time we got together, you-know-who was still having relationship problems with his soon to be ex-girlfriend and I didn't have enough feelings there at the time to wait to see how that would all pan out, so I chose the guy who actually did already like me like that. Too bad I guess that you-know-who then was single for a few months, before getting with current gf. Bad timing all around.

All in all, this entry veered way off course, but I guess it would be nice to have a boyfriend for those reasons again. I mean, I know last time it didn't pan out and that's why with you-know-who I focused solely on how he made me feel, because the last time I'd chased someone it had been with mostly apathy. I don't know, is it better to wait for the perfect person who makes me feel so crazy and happy but be single until I find it or it is worth it to just find someone that makes me feel good but that satisfies more of my needs now?

real life otp

If you know me in real life, I'd prefer you to stay clear of this one please.


In fandom, one of the most popular tropes is the 'only gay for one person' trope. Such as Dean and Castiel, Dean could be classed as 'Cas-sexual', or in NCIS, with Tony and Gibbs. I'm not saying these are legitimate canon pairings, but in fandom, the people that ship these (myself included) generally work under the assumption that these men are straight (as they are in canon) but the profound bond between the characters goes beyond family, or rather isn't familial eg father/son, brotherhood, and the love develops unexpectedly, over a long period of time (many years), through incredible love, trust, loyalty and respect. This bond transcends sexual orientation, and allows the pairing to come together. OTP. There are many examples of this, but especially with male/male shipping, it's between partners or best friends. Bromance, for lack of a better term.

When it comes to myself however, (and yes, this was intended as a personal post, I just got distracted with fandom for a moment there), there was/is a girl, that well... I'm her-sexual. When it comes to girls. With boys, any of them will do but I don't think I've ever had that about girls. It's just her that ever made me think about telling her, or kissing her or doing all kinds of lame stuff. She's the only girl I've ever thought I would date you, I want to date you, I want to hold hands and do cute couple stuff.

But it's weird because okay yeah, I've thought of kissing her but that's it, it's weird. Do I just have a weird girl crush on her, totally normal, it's just a friendship 'I think she's really special' thing, or is it real? Even without much going on physically? The most I've ever done is sleep snuggled up with my arm around her.

I mean, this is just academic, this girl is just a girl, and I've never had intentions of doing anything, this is a crush I had in Year 9, but it's always popped back up oddly.

Truly, I think it's just that she's so very special and she's beautiful to me because of that. She is the only one that makes me want to be the guy in the relationship, for lack of a better way to describe it, sorry for use of traditional gender roles. She makes me want to protect her and hold her hand and defend her and do sweet things for her just to make her smile. I don't get those feelings for boys.

Great, now I feel like I'm going to be classified a lesbian.

I don't know, I'll probably delete this post soon, but it's one of those secrets I don't really share, even in those stupid questions lists I'm so fond of. I don't need this one to be public, not when it's not un-obvious who I'm thinking of, if you know me well enough.

PS: This isn't a crush in the sense that I think about her or am extra happy to see her or that I pine, it's not like that at all, it's the opposite. She's completely regular, it's just that I know I love her and if there was anyone, anyone at all that I'd jump in front of a bus for, it'd be her. It doesn't mean she doesn't annoy the socks off me, or I don't think she can be a bitch or anything, because she can. It's just there sometimes in the back of my mind and when I think 'do I like girls, it's her that pops up in my head, if that makes sense.

Fandom!

I figure I should explain some of the miscellaneous gifs and youtube links I have floating around my blog.

Why? I hear you asking. We don't actually care. Even worse, we haven't even noticed.

The better question- the one you should be asking, is why not.

My favourite one is obviously my Brittana kissing gif. Oh the screaming and flailing that occured when I watched that for the first 100 times. It was difficult because normally I watch Glee alone, livestreaming it so I can liveblog and such, because obviously I can't wait an extra 2 hours until download links start appearing because I live in fucking Narnia (also known as Australia). Obviously watching on actual TV isn't even an option. The only time I've done that was at schoolies when I had no other choice. I'm kind of highly strung about TV shows. I used to scream my head off if anyone tried to interrupt me watching House back in the day.

But, back to the story, I was watched Heart which is the episode Santana and Brittany kiss for the first time with my bffl, so I had to turn down the flailing and rewatching a bit. But now I have that gif so I can just stare at that, the most perfect kiss by my otp. My blogger name is SantanalovesBrittany for a reason. My tumblr is similar BrittanyxSantana if you decide you want to follow my awesome stuff there.

My songs on the side are from the Glee Project, because I'm still obsessed with that right now. The top ones are Without You and Take a Bow, by Aylin, my favourite, but she didn't win, she got runner up. I'm not going to get over this injustice. Also Nellie, singing If I were a Boy, which is a song I love and I love her voice.

You have to note here that I actually hate Glee. I hate its writers and producers and its hypocrisy and it's overratedness and its stupidity and callousness and sexism. But I'm so invested, it's like a drug addiction, or a plane crash. I can't look away. I love the characters (a few of) and I can't stop caring about their story, even when I know it's going to continue to get shat all over. It's a sad and complicated relationship.

What else... why blog name is KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid... because a) I had to change it again and it was the first thing i thought of, thought it's not my favourite, and b) it's a good philosophy, not only in science, but also in relationships and in life. I like to consider myself pretty uncomplicated, but I do like to remind myself to just stress less, let it work out, don't worry everything into knots.

Also, I think it partially comes from a conversation I had once

• • • 
      Me: you're my friend. i think its just got to be that simple
  • Them: its never simple

    • the world is complicated

• Them: it always will be
• Me: thats why i try to keep stuff simple, if i can. and some basic truths can be simple i think

  
  

And the quote "If you love something, keep it simple."

Anyway, that's it, I just felt like typing cos my tumblr is dead (middle of the night in US) and I'm waiting for the shower because I've been at netball training and I'm gross and sweaty and disgusting. I have pit stains. Ickkkkk.

But major semis this week!!!! Woooo. And if we win (which we should), then we won't have to play next week, which is my cousins 21st in Sydney, which would be really convenient, and we'll go straight to the Grand Finals!

My little girls are in the Minor Semi's which is also very exciting. If they win, they'll be in next weeks finals which will be annoying for me, but it won't matter because obviously, they'll have made the Finals! Argh. It's so awesome. I'm so thrilled.

12

• A: Are you a virgin?
• Sure am :P
• B: 3 biggest pet peeves
• Stupid questions, clacking your teeth together and referring to me as 'her' when I'm right there.
• C: Celebrity crush?
• Would you like a list? That would take forever but at the top are Darren Criss, Naya Rivera, Misha Collins and Jennifer Lawrence.
• D: If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
• I can't think of one major thing that I did awfully, like stand out awful. My problem with my past is more a general... why did I act like such a loser. Oh yeah, cos I am a loser lol.
• E: Do you smoke?
• No. I don't think I ever will.
• F: Do you drink?
• Occasionally.
• G: If you had to rank yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you be?
• 7. Sometimes like a 4, but other times when I feel good about myself, I'm like, 8 or 9 maybe just for the night.
• H: Longest relationship and with who?
• Two ex boyfriends of about 6 months. Both very boring.
• I: 5 turn ons
• Low voices, wide shoulders, intelligence, hip bones and arms.
• J: 5 turn offs
• Dumbasses, substance abuse, homophobic/racist etc, low confidence, and metro guys.
• K: What's the biggest lie you have ever told?
• The cliche of all cliches, 'I'm fine.'
• L: Would you ever date someone of another race?
• Well, I have, so I'm not that racist, but I'm not immune to racism. I don't go as far as to say I'm not turned on by non white guys but... internalised racism at work, I'm not really attracted to them much at all.
• M: What is your sexual orientation?
• Straight/bicurious.
• N: Top 5 traits you look for in a person that you want to have a relationship with
• Smart/funny/confident/no major emotional issues/has idea of what they want in the future.
• O: Who are you crushing on right now?
• A guy I know.... it's very low key. I don't even know if I would call it a crush. More just an interest.
• P: Who is your best friend?
• Her name is Mia. With a J.
• Q: Your guilty pleasure?
• Chocolate. And smut.
• R: Who was your first kiss?
• Her name was Mimi.
• S: Do looks matter to you?
• Duh. 
• T: What kind of underwear are you wearing?
• Black ones with pretty colours.
• U: How big is your penis or for a girl, how big are your boobs
• 12D ish.
• V: How far have you gone?
• Kissinggggg.
• W: Do you like it when people play with your hair?
• Yeah, but not always. Sometimes it's the best thing ever, aka with girls, but boys who try usually make me cringe.
• X: Are you circumcised?
• Nope. Which I'm grateful for...
• Y: Do you name your private parts?
• I don't lol. My vagina is just my vagina.
• Z: Do you pee in the shower?
• Lol.