Firstly, it's weigh in week. The first weigh in week so it's going to be awful because I have high hopes but I want low ones, because I don't want to be discouraged and upset. That's on Friday morning so fingers crossed until then. I'm still debating whether to do weigh ins weekly or fortnightly after that. On one hand, fortnightly will save me stressing as much, but if not weighing for a month taught me anything, it'll just build it up more, but at least I wasn't worrying about it for the first few weeks and I have to focus on non scale goals.. Weekly means more accountability and will allow me to make changes if I don't get the results I want. It could also be motivating, good or bad, if I know. Good results will encourage me, bad results will push me...
I've decided to go running in the morning, instead of Strength and Tone. I'm too embarrassed to tell this to anyone in real life, except for Mum, but I had the hugest social anxiety fail today, I was ashamed of myself. Still that wasn't enough to get me to act. I mean, it's happened before. A year or two ago Dad was going to get me pizza or chinese or something but said I had to order. I can't order on the phone, can't do it. I refused, he stuck to his guns, I went hungry.
So this time, I arrived early to the surf club, which is where the classes are. Normally I do it with a friend, so I just wait to see her, but this time, because I was planning to get a month membership so I could just attend heaps of classes, so I was just on my own, but the carpark was really empty and that made me nervous. I figured I'd just wait for someone to go in and follow them. But no one came and I couldn't get the courage to go to the door or go in. I was there for like, 20 minutes and didn't do it. I just drove home. I don't have actual social anxiety, but sometimes, I swear to god, if it were a spectrum thing, like autism, I'd be on it. It's more than just shyness.
When I got home though, Mum remembered today is a public holiday so it didn't matter either way, I wouldn't have found anyone there. That made me feel better, because I really would have been mad at myself if I missed the class cos I don't have any balls. Still, I should have sucked it up and checked.
So I don't want to face it in the early morning before work. What if it happens again? So I'm going to just run. I downloaded an awesome running app, zombierun. It has a storyline, you're a supply runner in a zombie apocalypse. The further you run, the more supplies you can collect. When you finish, you can decide how to use them to expand your camp and unlock more missions. When you get too close to zombies, you can hear them and you have to run faster to get away from them. Obviously this is all over headphones, all your orders and instructions as well. But it allows you to use your own playlist of music and only talks in the breaks I believe. I think I'm going to really enjoy it. It's running and zombies, what else could you want?
It'll be an early run, because I have a 7 hour shift at work from 10-5, and I want to do Zumba in the evening as well. It'll be a great day for exercise. And eating, because work keeps me from snacking and I get a crepe for lunch (yum!) which I am going to add avocado to, if I can get the balls to ask (doubtful).
Still, Week 5, this is exciting. Have I ever got here before? I don't remember it if I have. I have lost no faith, I'm more dedicated than ever, possibly too dedicated. This week will be good, I can feel it. I'm adding in snacks to make my intake more healthy rather than too low in calories, hopefully also lowering my sugar intake, though I can't see how I'm going to do it, sugar is in every single thing I eat jfc. Plus adding more yoghurt isn't going to help. Sorry I like sweet things. I'll be trying my weight watchers frozen meal maybe tomorrow night, and I'll see if it's good enough to try again, see what options there are. I was going to start Lite N Easy this week but I'm having second thoughts as to it's neccessity. I think I'll just plod along myself and see how that goes for a bit longer. It's hard to know how I'm going without knowing weight loss.
This will be an exciting week though. I'm going to make it back to 5ks, I can feel it. I'm going to do about 4 tomorrow, if I can. Sometimes it's just the run and I give up but that's almost never and most probably I'll be so pumped I'd like to do more but tomorrows run will be a circuit from my house to the entertainment centre and back, pretty much there and back along the same route so I can't exactly add to it. Not until I finish it as it is. So that'll be the goal for tomorrow, to make it all the way back to my house. Which'll be hard, I fucking hate hills, I trot up them at about 1km/h. Frigging embarrassing.
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Okay, so I work up before my alarm, about 7am, so I got up, made some tea, chatted to Mum who had to go back to work today (and Tom tomorrow- ha!) and left about 7:45am or something. My shoes are still damp from the rain run yesterday, so I was a little concerned about that but I wore thick socks. I also dumbly forgot to put my key in my shoe before I put it on, so I had to just slide it down the side... guess where I now have a massive blister -.-"
I didn't make it all the way back to my house without walking, I was just tired and the zombies chasing me stressed me out but didn't inspire me to keep going, I'd push for about 20 seconds but I suppose they want more than that because I kept dropping items to distract them which is basically punishment for letting them catch you. I did complete the mission though :)
Then I walked to work, work was fine, except for my cold -.- It's hard to keep needing to blow my nose in food service, I have to wash my hands every time.
But it was good and Zumba was good too :) Jess said I was looking good and I got a high five. Actually about 4 of them but it was nice.
Also, tmi, but also not, because it's just a bodily function and who cares, I finally got my period today. Yay for shark week! I mean, it was only due yesterday and until this year I didn't even know if I got my period ever three weeks or 3 months because of how little attention I paid, but now I have a smart phone with an app and who would have guessed it, every 27 days blamo! Or since it was a day late, maybe it is 28 days like a normal person.
Still, normally I wouldn't care but some biology for you, girls bloat on their period which means that they retain water weight. Until it's over my weight won't read right on a scale. So it's good it's come today so it'll be pretty much over by Friday. I feel weird celebrating my period, most girls hate it but it means like zero to me, if I didn't have friends giving me vivid descriptions of knives twisting in their vagina and gut, I'd be just like, BS. I do whatever I want on my period, swim, climb trees... I don't get moody or cramps or crave things. Just a normal day for mwah. I don't even notice bloating, I just know that the scale jumps a kilo which is why I wanted it before then.
And now I know when I'm working this week, I can make my schedule for exercise! Woooo!
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Okey dokey. So, food diary: oats, chicken salad wrap, apple, yogurt and roast pork dinner. 1400 calories ish which is a bit much, but I will of course take into account walking to work, work (10-5) and boxing which makes my day very healthy!
Tomorrow: Day off! (From work :P Obviously, I'm not slacking off on my last day before weigh in! I'll pretend I'm in last chance training on biggest loser and go crazy). So! Boxing again in the morning at 9:15-10:00. Maybe I could walk there/walk back? If I wake up early on my own without an alarm I will. See how far it is.
Then day off so who knows what I'll do with myself. I'll do Zumba at 6 and then basketball at quarter to 8! Hooray! I will be dead but it will be the good kind of dead.
That means Friday I will be back to running, if my blister okay-s it. If basketball is okay, running should be. I just desperately need a new pair of shoes, I'm using Mum's that are 5 years old at least and I don't even have my own because I left them at my cousins and my auntie apparently threw them out. I will text her and see if that is still the situation.
I am feeling.... good. Nervous about Friday morning, but also excited because there is something thrilling about making a major change that you know will have results if you can stick it out long enough. Plus running further and punching harder (hopefully soon because my punches are embarrassing) and just being fitter and more able. Obviously looking more fit as well.
OH! I totally am starting to get muscle, I had it a few years ago, back when I was more athletic but I lost it I guess, at least, you couldn't really feel it when I flexed, though I was still reasonably strong. Now I can feel it a bit :) It's definitely there. Oh man that feels good. As much as in an ideal world I'd love to have that skinny long limbed look, short and thin, I know in reality that I am way too competitive to ever want to be weak. So I'll take an athletic frame. Which will still be skinny, but powerful enough to show people what I can do!
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Boxing was good. At the beginning of every class Sam is like 'this is Lucy!!" though honestly, I recognise most of them, even if their names allude me. Which is probably why Sam had everyone introduce themselves as we boxed, because you change partners a lot. I just suck at remembering names. Like, I know there is a Cathy and a Jessica and I think a Sarah and a Gina but I am awful at remembering who is who. I do not have a talent for faces either.
But it was friendly and most of the women were older and nice. I was dripping sweat as usual, and the 60 second sprint (punching) was killer. I was so scared and I was going so softly by the end, especially when I have to punch up high and my arms were killing. But I freaking love using my knee. We go, punch-cross-punch-knee! And then we switch knees and then do both and it's so much fun omg. My partner for that commented on how I'm good at it. Actually, because I've done it before because I did it yesterday and last week and Sam's only just introduced it, I was the one showing everyone with her. I just like it because I'm aggressive and it's very satisfying the get the smack on the pads.
Then I came home, went to the beach about lunchtime, forgot my apple, so I bought yoghurt and toasted muesli at the Cafe, same as I did on Australia day. The beach was huge and rough so it was closed which was disappointing. But I had my book and I was already sunblocked out so I read and lay in the sun for awhile, not bothering to take off my shorts and top so I shouldn't be too burnt if at all.
I'm so tired now. It's 2 in the arvo but man, I woke up at 7 after getting 8 hours sleep and now I'm just dead again. It's just the exercise I think :) May nap for a little while... weigh in tomorrow!
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I napped for over two hours lol. But I'm not going to be wide awake tonight, since obviously I've just been at Zumba followed by basketball so I'm gonna be tucked out in an hour or two. I feel good though, really good. I hate that I always fall off this exercise and healthy eating wagon, because I feel so damn good when I'm on it. I'm happy with myself, I feel hot, I feel like I'm accomplishing something, I'm meeting new people, I'm putting structure into my day, I'm improving (except at basketball omfg that was embarrassing) which means that I'll be more confident about doing new sports, sports at uni and will be more competent when it comes to physical tasks and strength. I feel relieved and calm, because whenever I feel negatively about my body or abilities, I can just think 'it's cool, I'm working on it, something is being done, soon this will not be a problem,' so I don't have to feel stressed about it. I don't have to feel angry and upset and stand in front of the mirror in distress because none of my clothes look good and I'm supposed to be going out and I can't deal with it.
Feeling sore is awesome, it means you've been working, and exercise like running gives you bragging rights. I can daydream about running 10ks or going Tough Mudder or running with a boyfriend or eventually being good enough at Zumba to be the one out the front doing it. I want to be the teachers pet where I do all my exercise classes, because I go to so many and get good at them. One of the women who I did boot camp with last year announced that she's lost 20kg which is amazing, and now she's like 'now I'm at my goal, I'd like to go a bit further' and that's basically my plan, get down to 60, be ecstatic and then push a little more. Obviously once I'm there, it's about toning, putting on muscle weight and getting rid of anything left to get rid of. Obviously you can't spot reduce but I'd like to lower my body fat percentage by quite a way.
Tomorrow we'll know I suppose, how I went. If only it wasn't for week 3 when I was on holidays and I overate so much Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I'm sorry, they were delicious. I don't regret it too much but I regret that if I don't lose much weight tomorrow morning, I'm going to want to beat myself up for that week, and I'll blame it on that, rather than being able to say 'well, I worked freaking hard, I won't give up because this bad result is just bad luck, I'll go better next week'.
Now, dinner time! Hmm, what do I want.... homemade super delicious low fat pizza on a wrap? I think yes. But do I want ham or salmon... salmon I think. Bye! See you tomorrow morning, I'll be either crazy happy or crazy upset! I'll let you know!
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Crazy upset. The number was bad, really bad. I can't understand it, except that I must have been higher that I thought when I started because there is no way what I've been doing shouldn't have lost me at least 3 kg. But I know that it's still coming off shark week, I know that soreness and high salt intake from last nights dinner could also contribute to water weight. I know that I've started to gain a bit of muscle which can make the number on the scale higher, even when I'm looking better. I suppose now it makes sense why my size 12 jeans are only fitting comfortably and not loosely. This is a disappointment. It makes me feel like nothing I did this month counts for anything. Fuckkk.
But now I am going to read what I wrote last night, I am going to read my motivation posters, and next week I will weigh myself again. That is literally all I can do. Next week if I don't lose a kilogram I will work out what I am going wrong. If I do, I will know that the process works, I just started the year at a shockingly high weight. Okay.
I feel good about myself still, mostly. This is a blow but I'm hoping hoping hoping I can rally from it. This is the worst case scenario I have been envisioning all this time, that I would make it to the beginning of this month and find that number so repulsive that I would quit in a fit of tears and anger and not stay on doing all this.
Well, I am. Still doing this. I'll do exactly what I said I was going to do. Who cares if it takes a little bit longer? This just means that my progress pictures will be more impressive when I show them later. It just means I have more kilos to brag about losing. If I can feel kind of good about myself now, how will I feel 15kgs lost from now?
I suppose I didn't take Christmas and all of those celebrations into account when I thought about what I must weigh. That could have made me put on a kilo I suppose. Next week we'll see. And in the mean time I will have a really good week, just like this one was.
I will also start measuring so I can do inches as well. That's a better measure of fat loss than the scale really.
I've now been on a run- 28 minutes. At the start of this week, I could only run 15 minutes. I've nearly doubled it and in Week 6 I should be running 40 minutes- hopefully getting very close to my 5k mark. The run was mixed, it started badly and I was just thinking 'Look, running was a bad idea, let's just stop, go home, do it tomorrow when we're feeling better'. But I told myself 'no, if we do that, we'll just be more upset, don't give your brain any more fodder for why you are failing. It doesn't matter if you fail, not really, just as long as you try as hard as you can. The harder it is, the greater your accomplishments will seem when you achieve them." So I rallied. I got around the lighthouse in my first k and it was hard. I stopped at the bubbler because my mouth was so dry and that gave me a small rest. I ran to the entertainment centre and started to feel good. I made it around the high school and it was easy. I made it up the hill and I was going so slowly but I didn't stop. I made it past the hotel I said I would stop at and went an extra 100 metres to get the the long traffic lights. Then I stopped. Just under 4k I think. So it was a slow run, 7 minutes per k. But I am happy with it and will do even better tomorrow or Sunday.
I was told to take a rest day or two, Sam told me to have the weekend off and I said I would, but does running really count? If I stop running, I won't start again. Running is like work for me. If I go a lot, it loses its intimidation factor and it's just work. But when I start just working once a week, I start to dread it because I build it up in my mind as this hugely intimidating thing and I have to force myself.
I didn't tell Mum the number I lost, just said it was bad and disappointing and she sympathised with me and said I still did look slimmer, last night she said my collarbones are more prominent and that sometimes you lose half a kg but then lose 1.5kg the next week. Next week could be a lot better, I just have to work hard this week and in Week 6 we'll see how I went.
The most frustrating thing, and the reason not weighing myself was a good idea, is that as soon as I knew, I was looking at my body differently. Instead of feeling good and sexy and slim, I just was like, "well, yep, there's all that fat that makes up that number, I can see it now. That's frigging awful."
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I'm so tired. Maybe it's because I'm not eating enough, maybe its just because I had a good run, worked all day and walked to and from work as well, but I'm buggered and have been since about 7pm. It's past 9 now so I as soon as I finish this, I'm gone, I seriously can not stay awake. I ate some yogurt to give me some energy but it's slow burning and low in kilojoules so I don't know that it did too much. I should have had an apple, those are supposed to wake you up with the sugar hit and I can always use more fruit, though the sugar content is alarming.
Okay, I'll be asleep by half past 9 and awake at 6, mark my words.
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Half right, I was asleep by 9:30 but I slept in til 8! Hurray! I could still go for a nap now though... what is wrong with me?
I still am not seeing my friends, my social life is at a standstill and I don't know what to do about it. Why does no one have any enthusiasm? Not even me, I don't want to do anything. I do, but I don't. I have new TV shows to watch, movies I could put on, books to read, things to do. I could shower.
But I'm in a normal Saturday mood that I call very simply 'EAT'. I just want clinkers and bed. I'm doing well, really. I had a snack and it was just an apple, I had two big fulfilling meals for breakfast and lunch and I am absolutely not hungry. I just want food. Still, this is what I made my motivation posters for, and I'm trying to remember that that voice in my head saying 'do it' isn't the real Lucy, while the Lucy that says no is the weak subconscious, it's the other way round and the 'do it' is the toddler voice who just wants everything and wants it now. No vision.
I told Mum that if she didn't eat the last 8 pieces of Top Deck in the fridge I was going to, and so she was like 'give them to me' and gave them to my brother so there is no chocolate in the fridge :) I'm conflicted because it's good but toddler Lucy is like '... she probably hasn't given them to Tom yet, look in her handbag...get em back, a few pieces won't kill you...'
My mind is weird. But toddler Lucy, who I'm going to call TL, will grow up if I don't encourage her. I think it truly will be like training a little kid, cos that's what she is. I just have to say 'no' and be reasonable, and do things that make he happy without making me unhappy as well. If she's satisfied, she won't have to ask for more all the time.
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Damn it, I forgot everything I wrote like, 3 hours ago. I made cookies, healthy ones from oats and banana, but they also had honey and olive oil and coconut so they were pretty high in calories, though they have lots of fibre and good stuff in them. And I ate 3 and a half... it's just that even though I'm not a baked goods person, I like baking and I can't resist just-out-of-the-oven anything. So I figured I had to eat them while they were warm and I did and they were good. It gave me something to do and I know I shouldn't feel guilty for eating but I did so I went for a sunset run. I will still go tomorrow but I have good news!
I ran 40 minutes! 5.5 kms which is good. It was super slow obviously, 8 minutes to run a kilometre (that's a 12 minute mile), but I feel like I'm finally back in the zone where I can just run and after awhile you just don't get tired and it's not killing you and you know you are doing something good for your body and getting fit and burning calories and everything is positive. Obviously though the reflection in shop windows still isn't great but I'm remarkably unselfconscious when I'm running in leggings and a T-shirt. I'm actually way worse when I'm in a dress and makeup. As soon as the Colour Run is over and the pressure isn't on to run 5kms no drama, or knowing me, tomorrow, I'll start trying to make it higher in intensity. When running becomes easy, it's because I'm moving at a snails pace and not putting any stress on my body. It's why I need Zombies Run! but also HIIT (high intensity interval training) scares me because ew, effort. I get super exhausted after I try to run fast for a bit. And then I can't run at all and I give up and it's a mess- that's what happened on Tuesday mornings run. But I know it'll help me, plodding along is nice but I also need to improve speed-wise now I'm back at over 5k.
I had one egg, half a left over roast potato from yesterday and broccoli for dinner. I am filled up, satisfied and I was able to fix my day after overeating on biscuits. In some ways, I think it's a lot better to have a day where I eat more but I exercise because it's healthier on my body, making sure I receive all the nutrients I need and am not starving myself, but also I get the additional workout and increase in fitness that doesn't come from just eating fruit and lounging around.
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So, today I ran....drumroll please.... 60 minutes and 7.5 kilometres! Which is so slow it's embarrassing, it was like a stumble jog but who cares, it's awesome.
My blister is back with a vengence and my legs are falling off but I did it :)
I'm really happy with myself for doing it, though today should have been a rest day... I'm working all of tomorrow so I'm not going to be resting but I won't run in the morning. That'll give my blister time to heal and I'll still be doing boxing and walking to/from work :)
Here are yesterdays and todays after run pictures. Im kinda mixing it up, putting some here, some on Tumblr....
Also here is my route, all 7.5 ks of it.
Woohoo!!
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Okay, I'm calling tonight's dinner my cheat meal for the week. Satay Chicken from Nams is the best food on the planet. It's spicy and peanut buttery and so delicious I seriously just can't. I can't even.
But I ran today for a frigging long time, I had calories I needed to eat- honestly, I am trying my best to eat moderately and not starve myself in any way. Would it be nice to purge and get to keep eating delicious food all the time, well yeah, if 'purge' was just a word and didn't mean throwing up, ruining your throat and teeth, getting an addiction and eating disorder that would never go away completely and having an unhealthy relationship with food for the next god knows how long. No thanks.
Food is fuel. It's also delicious and if eaten in the right portions, awesomely good for you. I'm not saying I should eat satay chicken every day, but once every few weeks, sure. There is food for your body and food for your soul. I didn't overeat the rest of the day, I ate really well, I exercised beyond well, and I drank a ton of water because it was so spicy that right now my stomach is killing me, not from overeating (I put only half of the chicken and rice on my plate, and still didn't finish the plateful), but from guzzling so much water. If I have it tomorrow night, I will make my portion size even smaller, and add vegetables.
I saw my Dad's new place today. Wow, I get a kick out of saying that, it's been a long time since Dad's had a place. All he had in the fridge was 3 packs of chocolate Monty's, a pack of snakes, a pack of smarties and milk. Oh, and about 6 cans of coke lol. I didn't have any of that :) I waited for dinner and was rewarded with deliciousness that I do not need to feel guilty for. And I don't.
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