First week on January down, it was pretty successful :)

I ate healthy all week and haven't felt deprived at all. In some ways, it's like waiting for the other show to drop because I know sooner or later I get tempted by things like chips and chocolate and it's fine while it's not in the house but it usually is and it's nearly shopping day.

What I've done differently this time is tried not to focus on it at all. I didn't start running again so the only exercise I've really been doing is walking each day to work and back, and crunches/squats/push ups etc.

I tried to make a resolution to only use myfitnesspal to count calories at the end of the day, not meal by meal, always thinking about it. I've endeavoured not to snack, and apart from some yogurt today when I got home and was starving, I've done that.

I've not been eating crazy strict healthy, I just have added veggies every night and lots of fruit, coupled with a lot less snacking and chocolate. i think that works pretty well because if I ever feel deprived I'm not going to make it work. So I had a lo fat crepe today (that's actually my favourite kind), I had a taco wrap at a sleepover last night with mince and cheese and veggies and I went out to dinner on Friday night. Things like that are near unavoidable, but delicious and awesome so I don't want to avoid them.

They only screw up my eating plan if I decide that my plan doesn't allow flexibility. If I declare that my plan isn't screwed up, I won't give up, I'll keep making it work.

I look 'before' pics yesterday, just in a spur of the moment, just out of bed looking gross, in sports bra and random pajama pants so hopefully those will spur me on to not give up because they are awful.

Mum has also suggested that I could try lite n easy for a while. Since only I eat non plain food in my family and have no one to teach me how to cook or introduce me to different types of meals, I may start getting the 5 dinner meals a week. That is the least that you can get, and it costs $68.00 from memory, which is expensive, but not out of the question. Mum wants me to get healthy and this will help. The meals are piddly small I know, but are supposed to be really good and are low in calories, as well as teaching serving size. They have a huge selection of delicious things, which is why the meals have to be small I suppose, because they are regular meals with creamy sauces, but only 400 calories.

I never weighed myself this time, maybe I will in another week or so, I don't know, I don't want to know. If it's bad it's bad. I have a guess, and if I start losing weight and eventually check, I'll just tell people the guess. It doesn't really matter, all my accounts have an original weight already.

I'm going away in a week, I do every year. I go down to Mollymook, which is near Ulladulla (south coast of Australia) with my fam. It's a great holiday, not too bad as far as healthy eating goes. I'll stop buying Cornettos all the time and eating hot chips and I'll be sweet :) Too bad I didn't get fit already, I had hoped to be super hot by this time but sadly, my fault, gave up. Ah well, always next year. And who says I'm not super hot now eh? No one knows me down there, I live in a bikini, I'm going to invest in my first spray tan so I'm not tempted to get tan and just end up sunburnt (though I do every year), so fingers crossed I don't look orange, and who knows, maybe I'll dye my hair back to blonde, if I knew how to go about it.

I've been freaking out tonight over it. Fucking permanent dye, why didn't I listen to my parents? After 18 years of being told what beautiful hair I had and how people kill for my colour, I stupidly dyed it dark with permanent dye and now it's never going to look right again and I hate it because I wash my hair heaps so the colour sucks now, it's light in some places, dark in others, but just....dull. Brown hair sucks. It's like the colour old women have when it starts to get salt and pepper, awful streaks instead of beautiful ones.

I liked it for awhile, being dark haired was pretty kinda, but I miss blonde and I know some blondes just never get their colour back.

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I want to weigh myself but I don't at the same time.

Like, I want to know, it'll motivate me to lose more if it's a good number, will make me sad if it's bad, and either way it'll give me my new benchmark. I am doing things different than before, I'm not really kicking my ass with exercise, I'm doing a bit of walking most days, to and from work but that is it. Otherwise I'm mostly sedentary.

But I'm eating low amounts, generally just brekkie, lunch and dinner and that's going well for me. I'll keep it up until this week is over, then I'll be going away for a week on holidays, which unfortunately involves a lot of junk food normally and I'm sure will involve a bit of indulging, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum and I'll try to get some exercise in. Of course I'll be swimming and walking etc, but I'll make sure I'm not being too much of a lazy bum.

It will certainly test whether or not I'm serious about this eating plan, and I'm looking forward to it in some ways because when it's over I'll be three weeks down and maybe starting to notice some changes.

I'm feeling pretty good about my body right now, these last few days. Like, I feel normal most of the time, that's always been my problem, I never thought I was bigger than anyone else so I never did anything about it. Mum saying 'you'd look even prettier if you lost a kilo or two...' which turned into 'if you just lost three or five..' kind of rolled off my back until she became serious and said 'you're overweight Lucy, you'll lose opportunities, boys won't want you as much or come  up to you in clubs, you'll miss out on things etc, that I first got my ass in gear.

I don't always feel like that now, I do feel self conscious a lot, not because of Mum, more before the weight wasn't always there, I did gain over the last few years of high school. I might have never been a stick but I was normal and now I nearly am but if I lost 5 kilos I'd be better and 10, better again. Then I'd fit in with most girls, the skinny girls, the pretty girls, the popular girls, the ones that lots of boys like. I'd fit in with the girls that look good in lots of dresses, rather than now where I don't like many at all, and I accept that even the ones I like, I don't look fantastic in.

But, perks and disadvantage of having a full mirror on my wardrobe, I'm getting more familiar with what I look like. That isn't that new, I always check out mirrors and reflections in windows, I'm vain but also just like to check myself.

I have this awful muffintop, my tummy is a massive trial. As far as wearing jeans and shirts go, it could be the most problematic area. Upper thighs are worst in shorts, and maybe jeans, and upper arms are worst in tops but the tummy, when anything tight shows this bump between thigh and waist that is more than hip... that is not acceptable. It's why I mostly wear loose shirts or dresses that flare out or meet under my boobs or waist, rather than cinch at hips.

It's not that I don't like my shape, I accept it. I'd rather be super thin and have no boobs at all, but my shape, which has been tentatively classified as hourglass (barely, because I hardly have a waist, my boobs and hips are just quite even), so I'm okay with that. I just would like to make those curves about the structural makeup of my bones and skin and muscle etc, rather than just fat emphasising those points.

Also, my tummy, the way it falls out when I plank, that's when I really saw it. Normally it's there but not that noticable. I can suck in and I'm young and the skin is tight. So getting rid of that is a major goal.

Still, I clearly am not that motivated, because I'm not exercising that much. Diet is 80% though, I know that, and I'm eating really well, so we'll see.

I like to think I'm losing weight, I feel slim but I think that's more mindset that anything else.