In other news, I am so sore after yesterday. Today I went on a long walk with a friend plus work/ walking to work so all was good today apart from painfully sore legs (damn you squats, you better make my ass look good). I didn't eat much though, I'm not starving myself but I just didn't feel hungry after work so I just had fruit and peanut butter which meant I underate today. I WAS hungry at lunch but I was at a friends and despite them losing weight really well and more consistently than me, she was planning on having a pie for lunch which to me was thanks but no thanks. So I waited til almost 3 when she was gone.
I made my uni timetable tonight which is good. It's nearly identical to my bffls. It also factors in netball, sports at uni, work and exercise classes so hopefully this is a good term for me :) Sadly 3 of 4 tutorials are on the same day but 2 are psych which don't have homework due every lesson like Commerce does. Now just fingers crossed my friends have timetables that match up a bit!
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Yep, it's a cold. Or the flu, I don't know, I don't know if I've ever had the flu... but I usually just feel stuffy and regular cold symptoms, but today I legitimately feel a tad woozy. I also woke up at 6am which was annoying but I'll go back to bed at some point, my day is mostly free, apart from some errands.
I've gotten obsessed with green tea the last week or two, so I've just been sitting at the table mournfully sipping tea from a spoon with the tip dipped in honey. I don't know if it's that or the Panadol but my throat isn't killing me anymore. I also sliced up half a banana and ate that because I get the feeling I'm not going to want to eat much today, which almost never happens, but I think I'm putting myself on a mostly liquid diet today. Lots of fluids and sleep I think would be best. Which is why I'm not stressing my honey intake, though it means I've already gone over my daily recommended sugar limit before 7am.
I do go over every day though, milk and honey and fruit are like the main staples of my diet and are all high in sugar which is silly. Beats chocolate though, I have a sweet tooth, I'm not going to stop indulging in it, just making sure the sources are full of other really good stuff like antioxidants and calcium and fibre.
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Hurray! I got another 2 and a half hours of sleep, though I had weird, semi realistic dreams like my brother asking me if he and a friend could make lasange for dinner and because my parents are away, it's just me and him, I was like 'no, I don't want to do all that washing up, I'm sick' and we had an argument, which is basically real life, except Tom doesn't eat pasta or cook.
I'm drinking more tea and feeling quite good, though still weak and puddly.
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I'm rereading my favourite diet/anti-diet book, written by Ajay Rochester, who was the host of the Biggest Loser for lots of years. BL was my favourite (and only) reality TV show when I was younger, not because I identified or anything, I never considered myself fat (cos I wasn't) but I just liked it. My Dad even watched it cos we'd have something to talk about, though I didn't realise that was why at the time (my parents are divorced). Anyway, it's one of those get healthy, crash diets don't work, you need to be happy and fulfilled, weight doesn't make you happier, don't make excuses type books, I really do love it, it's just full of advice and ways to make your life happier, rather than how to go on a crazy regime and starve and hate yourself to fit into a dress. She's also very funny and down to earth so it's a fun read.
One of the tips she has is to have that one item of clothing that everyone has, that is that size too small, that you used to fit or that you use as motivation to fit into. For me, I have a pair of cheap size 10 skinny jeans that I bought knowing that while they did up (just), they did not fit. I did wear them last winter though, just with loose shirts so you couldn't see how much fat was mushrooming over the top. So I got up the courage and starting trying my jeans on, first my size 12 jeans, which also caused apprehension because I don't wear jeans during the summer and I remembered them being tight and they were okay, not loose sadly, but they fit comfortably, with no muffintop, which is how they should fit. I'm not saying I like how I look in them, I don't, my thighs suck, but it's okay, I have jeans that fit and aren't a size I'm ashamed of. A comfortable size 8 or 10 is the dream though.
I also have a few dresses that don't fit well, so getting into those would be good. Every week I'll try on my jeans until they fit. It's a good non scale goal to have, and since right now I'm not weighing myself, they're good to have.
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Being sick is lame. I've only got two panadol left in my pack so I'll have to pick my moment for using them. I'm not too bad really, it's just that it's affecting my sleep. I woke up about 4am, couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and took a book down to the beach to watch the sunrise. For the second time this year that I have tried to watch the sunrise, it was overcast and a total fail. It's now 8 and I still haven't seen the sun.
I got brekkie down at the cafe, yogurt with muesli, which is delicious, though I assume it to be high in calories. I tracked it at about 500. It was the small size though and it is all good for me, so yolo. I want to stop going under my calorie goal, it's not good for me and I don't want my body going into starvation mode or slowing down my metabolism, I want that thing going all cylinders! It's hard though, being sick because I can't tell if my stomach hurts because I'm hungry, full or sick. It's very confusing. Right now it's hurting and I've eaten all that food so it's not hunger like it was at 5am when I was lying in bed, but I don't think I particularly overate. So maybe it's all just 'I'm sick ow' pains. I think I might go back to bed for awhile, see if that helps. I didn't get much sleep obviously due to waking up hours before the crack of dawn.
Happy Australia Day.
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I slept for about 2 and a half hours, woke at 11am. Spent the next few hours writing and computering but at about 4:30pm I decided to get my ass out of doors. All the Australia Day celebrations are basically at my doorstep so I figured that I'd walk into town to go to Woolies (again) because it's a good walk and I figured I could get some soup or something for dinner. I went via all the entertainment and festivities. I actually really liked the atmosphere, I like everyone decked out in flag paraphernalia, all the girls in sundresses and short denim shorts and the guys in boardies. I didn't buy anything or eat anything there which wass good. By almost 5 o clock, you don't really want to trust the little stalls selling meat anything. Food poisoning would be way too likely.
So I got to Woolies, bought a fresh cooked roast chicken, which is something I've been asking Mum to do for ages, because I don't really know how to cook chicken breast myself, but having chicken in the fridge is good and healthy (provided I take the skin off which I... might do, I don't know, I love chicken skin.
I also got Chobani Greek Yoghurt. I tried greek yoghurt once before and was not a fan, but everyone seems to love Greek yoghurt and it's the best for you, probably without all the added sugar that is in 99% fat free. I got it in the one serve pack though, so it's portion controlled. Same with the frozen yoghurt, I just got two small ones.
So that was all positive. Now, chicken time. Omnomnom!
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My bffl came over after she finished work. I facebooked her though she was offline, just to tell her to ask me about my run tomorrow (to ensure I did it), she can shame me like no one else, and she's a convincer. She was like, k can i come over? so I said sure and she came over and she mocked my motivation letters/posters. I didn't want her reading them, it's not that I'm embarrassed by them, either that I wrote them or their content, it's just that she wouldn't get it and that sort of thing, when read out in a voice to make it sound funny... it would sound ridiculous. I talk about my future self like she is a separate entity, like we are a tag team. I do my bit, then she does hers, then future-future-Lucy does hers and eventually super-future-Lucy gets the benefits. We all just do one leg of the race.
And it works for me, I think that'll motivate me, I think it'll keep me on track. It was fun to write, I had a great time with it. I want this pretty bad.
So she kept trying to read them while I attacked her with pillows. Eventually I just told her to get out and we went back to the living room. I don't mean to sound like she's a bad person or mean, she isn't... she doesn't mind me mocking her about things as well, she just needs the amusement. She's my bffl, it's k. My motivation posters though, they're my dreams, they're my fantasies and my faults and it's talking about the things that I find difficult to combat, not the things she has trouble with. She's moderately skinny, it's not the same. Just like my weightloss isn't the same as someone over 100kg, she can't understand exactly where I'm coming from.
She brought dinner with her, Satay Chicken from Nams, it's literally the best food you will ever eat, ever. She offered to share but I just said no and didn't really even think about it. I had 2 tiny finger swipes for a taste when she was clearing her plate but that was all. 2 months from now, if I don't give up, I'll weight less than her. God, the day cannot come fast enough.
She's like 5'10 or 5'11 by the way, so as she pointed out, I'm supposed to weigh a lot less than her. Still, it'll make me feel top of the world!
If I wake up early tomorrow again, I'm going for a run when I wake up. Either way the run is going to happen, but I'm not setting an alarm.
Goodnight, it's 11:11, that's good luck right?
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I finally woke up at a normal time! Huzzah! Well, about 10 to 8, so it was still early but not ridiculous. And when I go to bed before midnight, it's too be expected. I don't really sleep more than 8 hours.
It was rainy when I woke up so I was like, 'I'm not running in rain or morning cold after rain', but I was a teeny bit disappointed because I did kinda want to run and get it over with.
I waited until about 11 to finally do it. I ran 15 minutes, from North Gong to the Entertainment Centre. It's not far, just over two k's I think. I have 14 days to run a comfortable 5k, because that's when the colour run is. Eep! But totally doable, it's cool. I'm sure I'll keep updating through Week 5 and 6, because there is no way I can back out, this run cost 50 bucks, so motivation will have to remain high these two weeks. Which is thrilling because I don't know if I've got to a perfect week 5 or 6 before. Normally my diary entries stop after week 4 and I pretty much give up.
The colour run is coming at a perfect time. Because by the time it comes, I'll have marched through this upcoming danger period of give-up-itis, also helped along by the fact that I'm going to be paying 110 dollars for unlimited exercise classes in February, which is a lot of money so I'll be kicking my ass getting to those classes and making the most of my last month off before Uni starts back. That'll get me through weeks 9 and 10. 11 and 12... well, they'll be hard, but because of the fact that most eating plans go for 12 weeks, this will feel like the end, the success period. I'll be hopefully changed enough that everyone is starting to tell, especially me and I think that I can use that to motivate me in the transition back into classes and less free time and exercise etc. I also think the novelty of going back to different sports will make the first few weeks exciting and fun.
That's what I'm hoping anyway, that that is how I will keep up motivation for the next 56 days. After that... well, I can make plans when it gets a lot closer. But by then I could weigh realistically under 65kg. Easily.
Assuming I'm about 72 now, which I could be less than, I'm hoping I'm less than. To be perfectly honest, I'm hoping I'm under 70. I don't know if that's realistic, but I've been going a month now, or I will have been when I weigh in. 1 kilo a week, probably more in the first week because of water weight, unless I was 75 or over, which would have meant that I was basically at my highest weight after Christmas... I should be 71 or 70. But 69 is my dream right now, because I frigging want a healthy BMI. Then it's just making myself hot.
Another thing, realisation I suppose you could call it. I never expect to have realisations, I'm a know-it-all, I assume I already know and have understood everything, but Mia pointed out to me that my goal of 60 isn't actually as low as I could go. She could be 60 and be in healthy range. I could be 55.
I have never even considered going that low, which is weird. I don't know, that'd make me legit skinny, I actually don't know. Like, I want it, but I never even thought it was possible, but it is, technically, even if my imagine doesn't stretch that far. And I want it, now that I've considered it. I have no affection for curves. I mean, I kind of have them, but to me, they aren't as good as slim limbs and a small waist. I kind of have an hourglass figure, I could still have some boobs and hips, but in a totally different way to now. I don't want a big bum, I just want to be slim. So sadly, that means I now have further to go but it's a journey I'm excited for.
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Finally it's the final day of this post. I can't wait to start an actual new one for the next week.
Here's what I'm thinking today. 1) I took new selfies in my bra and PJ pants, same as I did 3 weeks ago. I can't see a different sadly. I mean, I purposely make sure not to suck in or anything on the new one just so I can see a difference, but it is a tad disheartening. Still, it hasn't been too long, I'll do it again in a few weeks. The worst part is that it means there's always half naked pictures on my phone which could lead to embarrassment later. I'll keep you updated for that eventuality, considering I lend people my phone all the time.
As well as disheartening, I think it makes me realise that my biggest enemy here isn't not losing weight fast enough, it's mindset and becoming desperate. I think that's why lots of diets fail and make people feel awful about themselves and in some cases turn to anorexia and bulimia (also, I dreamed last night that I freaked out about eating and tried to make myself throw it up because I was so upset- not a particularly good sign). It's because being desperate to change and be different to how you are now, while generally being what kickstarts these things, also leads for you to quit them when you can't see results quick enough. You'd think that it'd make people just keep going and use the desperation to fuel their desire and keep going the hard yards but I think it just makes them feel hopeless and like nothing they do will help, ending in quitting.
I've heard this kind of thing before, that perfectionists are more often procrastinators, because they just think that they don't have the right skills or resources to reach their goals perfectly now, so they don't attempt at all. I'm not exactly a perfectionist, but I understand the feeling. If I get overwhelmed with how far I have to go, I won't be able to take things one day at a time, which is the only real way to go about it.
So, as always, remaining positive, healthy eating does work, come see me again in a month and I'll be proving it. Come back in six and I'll be the goddamn poster child.
I'm not going to be afraid to dream big okay? Some people are like, don't count your chickens before they hatch but I disagree, this doesn't hurt anyone and I want to reach far, I want to do this so well until everyone notices and I'm satisfied. Can you imagine weighing in the 50's? Well, I can't. But know my best friend has opened that idea up to me, I want it soooo much.
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So it's raining and I have this bloody cold still, worse than ever. Mum went shopping and forgot tissues so I'm still using toilet paper which is lame. But she bought me for passionfruit greek yoghurt and panadol so I'll forgive her. I told my best friend to give me shit until I ran yesterday and while I didn't actually speak with her yesterday, today she got on Facebook and Tumblr and gave me the 'NO EXCUSES, RUN BITCH' spiel. I was just like '....but it's raining and I'm sick." And that was true, but I was miserable at home. I was guilty and bored and I actually went to the fridge and was mindlessly starting to eat which is exactly the wrong thing. I chose grapes, so it's not like I sinned but the behaviour is still bad because boredom eating is the devil.
So... I eventually put on leggings. Then an hour later I put on a tank top. Then I downloaded the Glee Version of 'No Scrubs' and put it on my running playlist. Then I got my joggers on. Then I found a ziplock back for my phone. Then I filled my hair with bobbypins. Then finally, I went jogging in the rain.
And it was so good, omfg. This is me right after I finished, my phone in it's ziplock back. So sexy hahaha.
I forget that I love running around in the rain in clothes. It's so much fun, you just want to grin and dance around. It's even more fun when you're with friends and you can kick water all over them. I remember in Year 12, while I was still dating my boyfriend, it was raining and I convinced you know who to walk into town in the rain with me and we both got soaked. My bf was there too but he was depressed after screwing up a test and my sympathy was all time low (I was an awful gf for him), so he was walking with other people about 10m back and it just just me and you know who jumping in all the puddles and absolutely soaking each other. Such a good memory.
So I improved on yesterdays run by about a km. 22 minutes this time but I could have gone farther I think. I mean, I can always go further, minds give up miles and miles before your legs do. But I was happy with 6 minutes longer than yesterday. And Wednesday will be even better, I'll run all the way home.
It's just so hard to convince myself to get out there. The second I start, it's great. But this morning, I was actually thinking 'I hate running, I should just do exercise I like, why do something I hate?" I fucking love running. The feeling when you finish, the weightless, exhausted feeling of pride and accomplishment when you finish is one of the best feelings in the world. The feeling when you get home and the rest of your day is impossible to recreate any other way. It's like you've done your work for the day, you're guilt free for the rest of the day, you're happy and exciting and planning how much further you'll go the next day.
But like an episode of Glee, when you wake up the next morning, you've forgotten all of that, and all you remember is that it's cold and early and running is hard. Frigging ridiculous.
Which is why I make my plans in the aftermath of a successful run and get my best friend to badger me. Before I run, her badgering is annoying, makes me guilty and stressed, but afterwards, I'm so thankful for it. Tough love indeed.
I still can't work out how to eat enough. I only have two modes, too much or not enough jfc. I can eat 1200 but I can't manage to replace my exercise calories. I'm trying by giving myself yoghurt treats if I do all my exercise for the day. But I don't need it, I honestly do not need to snack during the day. I did it during holidays and things, but that was because I was bored and it was there. I can easily survive on 1200 split into brekkie, lunch and dinner. Fruit if I need more.
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