I read a lot of chick lit. More than you'd expect. With a 5 dollar book store, I can't help it, I can buy lots and lots of books and sometimes those middle aged reads, with all adults and marriages, I kind of get into.

They aren't bad by any means, I read sophisticated ones and I like getting different perspectives on issues and relationships especially. It's one of those things I can't really picture. Being in a relationship is hard enough, I've never been in a properly functioning one so I don't really know what they're like, and being in a marriage even less, because everything has been said and it's all about appreciating the daily things, the 'how was your day' type stuff and I always picture it in this idealic way but books and TV show me that people have their own lives and thoughts and there is never the mind meld and perfect sharing and honestly that I expect in a marriage. I mean, what do I really have to drawn on? All the marriages in my family pretty much ended in divorce. I don't remember my parents ever kissing or anything, they may have but I don't remember it. I remember hugging Mum when Dad upset her and I remember Dad telling me he slept in the spare room because Mum snored and lots of other stuff, but not really anything couple-y. I can't think of one thing.

That wasn't what I was going to talk about.

I'm not going to harp on about this, but this book has a central theme of cheating and carries this view that all guys do it, all guys would if they had a chance, it's just how it is. Like, both the men and women think this. This is a quote from the man that cheated.

"And yet, and yet -- his crime is so very small, he's done no more than all men do, and if they don;t it's only for lack of opportunity. If you only knew- he addresses Belinda in his mind - it changes nothing between you and me. I still love you as much as before. I still want to be married to you. I still want to come home to you. Why do you have to be so hurt, when I never meant to hurt you?

You want to know the simple truth? It's different fr men. For us sex is something that happens outside our bodies. It's something that has no consequences. For you, for women, it's an act that takes trust and surrender, it has lifelong consequences. So don't grant my actions the emotions that would accompany them if they were yours."

I suppose I get it.

It grates though because I'm a big believer in gender differences being caused by environment, rather than genetics. But there is a difference when it comes to sex and as a younger teenager sex did represent invasion and did make me feel sick, and I don't think guys feel that way. I wrote this in Year 10.

"It can’t really be all that, at least for most people. It’d be awkward, painful, different. I’m scared of it in a way. I know it doesn’t matter but I’m just thinking. Having someone invade you, it just seems so repulsive, it doesn’t seem like sharing bodies or being one person, it seems just, unpleasant, even if its supposed to make you feel good."

And sure, now I'm more accepting of the idea but that's how I felt, I know girls that still feel completely intimidated by the idea. Sex is internal and I think that does make a difference because it makes you vulnerable.

Anyway, off topic again.

I never really thought of it like this before with you-know-who and everything, because to me, it didn't make sense that you could have something special with one person and just have it in one little box and then have something else with someone else. For me it'd be like watercolour paints on a rainy day and all the colours would run and mix. I don't feel in isolation. 

It's not that I can't imagine loving two people at once, I just can't imagine them existing without touching or affecting each other. That doesn't make sense to me.