Today is Tuesday, so three days until I weigh in. It's quite good, the system I have going, so I stay motivated all week long. Monday/Tuesday is beginning/end of the week so that's exciting, Friday is weigh in and the weekend is right after that, so whether I'm feeling happy or sad with results, it doesn't matter, I'm going to be trying hard.
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Today was good, I did Booty Camp for the first time in the morning at 9:15 with Jess, then we stayed and played at the park with Keely, her cousin who is 4 for about 2 hours. I got sunburnt but it was quite good. Jess and I were cracking up half the time. We were playing Hospital, basically Keely would find some way to greviously injure her stuffed animal Fluffy then we'd be the doctors, one at a time, so at first I would just put an imaginary bandaid on. But then it was bleeding too much, so Doctor Jess would put 2 bandaids. Then I'd have to up her and put a bandage. Then she'd splint it. Then Keely would say that the splint had skewered all the way up Fluffy's stomach so I was laughing my head off while trying to keep a straight face and telling Keely that a splint was clearly a bad idea and that after stitching it up, I'd have to put a plaster cast on.... and on and on it went. For at least another hour. Kids are exhausting. Fun, but it's nice to be able to hand them back :)
I went home, had lunch, read my book, slept for a few hours, then did Strength and Tone (I really want muscles now) and finished up with boxing. Good times. I came home and had Roast Lamb for dinner- yum!
I need to sleep/nap less but it's just all the exercise I think, I get tired a lot. I go to bed early, wake up early, then do either classes or I work or I run, either way I'm doing something to use up energy. I napped about 2 and a half hours today, after a regular 8 hours last night but it's half past 9 now and I'm nearly ready to nod off.
It's the good kind of exhausted though. My muscles are being well used, I'm eating enough including snacks, but not excessively, and I feel good about myself and my body. Exercise is good for that in some ways, I don't mind not shaving my legs or doing my hair or wearing makeup, I'm leaving the house to sweat. The more I sweat, the better it is.
Also, I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror more, just in my room, like when I wake up, and I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of how far my stomach sticks out or my leg bulges or my thick arms, I'm just more okay with it. Like, my hands have started searching out my hip bones when I'm lying in bed. And they're there, I can see them. If I didn't have all the stomach fat, they would be visible and could stick out and that's really cool to me.
Plus since I realised there are the beginnings of muscles on my arms, I'm totally eager to make them bigger. Bigger equals smaller really, because muscle is so much leaner than fat, but it's a matter of decreasing the fat in, under and around the muscle, while letting the muscle grow! I'm as motivated as ever, though craving chocolate a teeny bit. I actually had the most delicious snack. For just over 200 calories, it was perfectly legit, I sliced up half a banana in very thin slices- I always do that so it feels like it's more than it is- 20g of peanut butter that I dabbed on half of them like a little spread, then 5g of dark choc chips, about 5 little ones per slice. Then I put a second banana slice on top, like a little sandwich.
Oh my god, the flavours were so well mixed and they complimented each other perfectly and it was delicious. It's a perfect pre workout snack. When I had it, I wasn't craving anything in particular, or even totally hungry but I was going to do 105 minutes of exercise and I want to stop eating not enough, so I made it and I am so glad I did.
Sort of like these, but with banana on top as well :) And less pb, more choc chops and thinner banana... but I can't find the picture that gave me the idea sadly.
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Wooo, boxing this morning! Sam got me to demonstrate doing the knee because I have good form! Yay, the knee is my favourite thing because I like being aggressive and feeling like a badass and the smack against the pads is brilliant. I nearly kneed the woman I was working with cos i got a little over excited but apart from that, it was good.
Slowly I think my form is improving. I know I need to work on it every class but I'm focusing on keeping my shoulders and elbows down, punching in the right place, drawing my arms back far enough etc. Today I think I was doing better than yesterday. It was the same sequence as yesterday as well, so that was good, because now I'm better at it. Not perfect, I still forget and mess up bits but an improvement on yesterday.
I am so sore today though. I'm going to have to stretch throughout the day if I can be bothered because my legs have been doing an obscene number of squats and lunges.
My blister is at a bit of a standstill, it's not really closing up the last bit as I'd like it too before I start running again. Since the race is on Sunday, I can't afford for it to all split open again by running tomorrow or Saturday. But I don't want to not have one final run before Sunday... it's a pickle.
In the morning, after I weigh in, I'll either go to Strength and Tone, or I'll run before work. It'll be a long day which is a good thing really because if the number is bad, I don't want to sit and brood. I just want at least a kilo gone from last week.
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I just can't stop eating today, it's driving me mad. I'm done now, nothing more until after work, when I'll have dinner. It's just being at home alone all day, I'm tempted and though not hungry exactly, I just want tastes. But I had fruit, and more fruit and finally fruit with pb and choc chips and now I am done. I have done no particular damage, as long as I can keep my dinner small and my bloody mouth closed until then. Tomorrow is weigh in and I'd like to be better and I'm eating in moderation but moderation still adds up... lots of grapes, then an apple, then half a banana... I know for a fact I'm not hungry, and those snacks were delicious and well appreciated but no more.
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Yep... weigh in in the morning. Please please please, I do not want another 'crazy upset' reaction. I want to be pleased, is that too much to ask? I have been frigging perfect. Everything I have eaten has been healthy or in moderation, I have exercised like crazy, I am sore as hell, I have drunk lots of water, I am not on my period, the scale should be nice to me this week. If it's not, I swear to God...
But, because I need to remain positive and on track regardless, here are my reminders to myself.
- The scale only reflects my relationship with gravity, not my worth, my attractiveness, my heart, my soul, my beauty and certainly it does not always reflect the effort that has been put in!
- As long as it's a loss, I'm doing something right. The week is over, it had a lot of great moments in it and no regrets. I have improved at boxing, at running, at push ups, in confidence at exercise classes, at remembering peoples names. I have gained confidence in this domain. I have bought new running shoes, specifically for running. I have pretty new undies. I got petrol for the first time, from my own pocket, for my own car. I got paid 400 bucks for the work I did this week. I realised I'm going to get muscle. I read some good books. I found the perfect idea and place for a date. I bonded with my cousin and with Jess. I am happy with the week I had. I don't regret those workouts, or saying no to that chocolate or extra food. I don't wish that I had of given in or not tried so hard.
- We are one step closer. We are another week in, another bit closer to proving that this isn't a fad or an instant fix. We want to be healthier and we are accomplishing it, little by little.
- Any loss is better than nothing, the week would have gone by anyway, we're still closer to uni and meeting new people and needing to be wearing attractive clothes in public, aren't you glad that you did something towards making that experience better?
Crazy upset. Only because it doesn't make sense. This has never happened before, I've never struggled to lose weight on the scale, my problem has always been keeping up motivation.
But now, I'm exercising every day. I'm eating healthy. I'm doing so well in every area, I can see the goddamn improvement in everything athletic that I am doing. Yet the scale shows me nothing. My clothes aren't really fitting better which means that it's not like my body is changing and that is just not something being reflected on the scales.
Last week I could accept that I was on my period, I'd had a lot of salt which would have added to water weight. This week, no period, no salt. The only possible things that could be affecting it is muscle, which weighs more, and soreness, which means water retention. And yes, okay, I like muscle. I am excited to have it. But right now, the pressing concern is losing the fat in, on and around that muscle because until then, you can't even see it!
I don't want a huge wobbly ass and legs too thick to cross and having to endure going to more clothes shops with my friends while they can try on anything and I can't even consider it. I don't want to have to know that the fact guys don't ask me out is because I'm not skinny enough to be pretty enough for them. I'm so tired of being the ugly friend, of being the sidekick. I want to be having my own adventures and maybe weight shouldn't hold me back but it fucking does and I don't know what I can do about it except give my all in getting rid of it, but now that isn't even working!
I should be in the 60's now! I should be celebrating a healthy BMI by Week 6. Instead, I am fucking not even close. I have started these things closer than I am now. It's fucking bullshit. I know what I'm doing and I'm confident that I'm doing it right. So why no changes?
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I'm still kind of upset about it all and it's very demotivating. Yesterday I had a rest day, which wasn't completely planned but it was quite neccessary. You seriously don't know how sore all my muscles are. My legs are still painful as fuck to stretch out. It's why I'm changing weigh ins to Mondays, like a normal person. If Friday and Sunday are most likely going to be rest days, it makes sense to weigh in after those days, rather than when I'm sore and everything hurts. Besides, it'll mean I can burn off my frustration in exercise, not sit around all weekend upset and eating.
Yesterday was the first time that I really wanted to just give up for the day and just eat a 12 pack of mini twix's or something. I was working all day (10-5, then tutoring), and so my eating was okay, except I was given this Lebanese sweet that was delicious but that I couldn't say no to because it was at work and she'd already handed it to me, so that was bad. Then I had dinner at my friends house, because I'm tutoring her brother, so I got dinner included, which I was worried about. It was tacos and in their family, that's literally just tacos and meat. I got carrot, lettuce and beetroot added thankfully and so it was okay, except that if I'd served myself I'd of eaten one, but she gave me three. Everybody in this family is overweight. I didn't want to be rude so I ate two and a bit. I mean, they were lovely, I just felt guilty.
Then I came home and I had an apple and grapes and I just wanted food. I'm glad I stopped myself there.
I know tomorrow I'm going to hopefully say that again 'I'm glad I stopped myself there". Today isn't going to be a good day either. I am still unhappy, I am still wanting to take that out on my body through food. Instead of normal breakfast, I had my treat yogurt, which is really filling, but I followed it up with my ban/pb/choc chip snack as well.
It's like a healthy version of overeating but I just know that half of me wants to say fuck it, and I don't know what camp I'm going to fall into.
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