I am in the worst worst worst mood.
Today has just been so shitty but for no reason at all, and that's the worst thing about it. When I just get in a snit and I just want to stay home and grouch around and watch Dexter and read my textbooks and that's it.
But I had to go to a party/gathering at my friends today and I did, even though I didn't really want to. Spending hours playing boring games isn't my idea of a good time. But honestly, sometimes it is, it just depends on who is there and what we're playing and my mood I suppose and the group I was playing with wasn't that.
Not only was it games I'm not comfortable with, either because I don't think I'll be good at them and I suppose I have some kind of anxiety over that- who knew- but it was just games that set my teeth on edge just because they're so pointless.
In a good mood, I'm sure I think differently but feeling as dark and cynical as I did today, I was just not amused.
I don't know what has got me down. I enjoy working a lot, even if it cuts into my alone, vegging out time, but I am constantly lying to getting out of social engagements. My best friend and I are barely seeing each other because I just can't be fucked (and I'm busy), I cancelled on my cousin when I didn't really have to, I have an 18th tonight that I'm anxious about going/not going to. I feel like I'll regret my decision either way so it's a lose-lose.
I'm not totally hopeless, I am out and about all the time. In a way, I think that's my problem. I'm seeing lots of the same people, to the point that they're annoying the crap out of me, and not seeing the people I like the most, like my best friend and my friend who lives in Sydney.
For some reason, the host of the gathering today didn't invite him which made me feel bad, because I should have been hanging out with him instead and I know I'd have preferred to do that but I had to lie to him that the host was just keeping it a small gathering when really, she just didn't want him there. He's back to Sydney tomorrow so I haven't seen him since the end of December and that makes me sad. She also didn't invite you-know-who and while I doubt he'd of showed, the fact that she didn't ask them means that she's cutting down her friend group and leaving out the people that I like the most which is frustrating. It's true that they don't often show up but it doesn't mean that things aren't so much better when they do.
I need some more friends, before I strangle the ones I do have.
Seriously, one friend today suggested getting together to play games like that every weekend and my only thought was 'that sounds hell-ish.' Maybe to her it doesn't. My other friend, who isn't annoying me right now, I have games days with her quite often, but board games rather than PS3. It's more my style, though it's cards that I like the most.
I learnt a new games 'Take Two' using scrabble pieces that I really enjoyed though last weekend with her though, so that was good.
I have been thinking about people and friends and how annoying people have to be before it's okay to not be friends with them.
Like, old friends are priceless, or so mum said to me last night when we discussed this. And everyone has flaws, including me so we have to put up with other peoples issues because they put up with ours. But there is so many frigging people in the world, is there seriously none that don't have any issues that annoy me? Surely I should be able to find people that don't bug me so much?
Like, is it okay to be annoyed by someone once a day and still be good friends? What about if every 5th thing they say annoys the bejeebus out of you? Because I absolutely have best mates who annoy me with that level of frequency.
And it's not always just annoying, sometimes I just think what the fuck are you doing, or saying, or thinking, and I feel these levels of condescension way too high. I feel like at those times, I'm not being a real friend to them.
I don't like it when I feel like I have to start acting and pretending around my friends. It's supposed to be easy to be yourself around your mates but right now my mates are just... eh.
Anyway, I just got out of the shower, it's almost 7, I'm supposed to be at a party at 7, it'll take me ages to find something to wear-- what do you wear to an 18th of a girl you like, but haven't seen in months, when it's a big party that will migrate to the pub later in the evening? It's BYO but I want to drive because how else would I get home? I don't know what I'm doing, this is so out of my league.
Maybe this is what has been stressing me out all day.
----
Alright, I am in a better frame of mind now. It's about 2am, I just got home. After I finished this entry before, I was in a fragile state, I told Mum that I didn't want to go to the party in near tears, but she just told me that I should go, she got me a pair of shoes that's easier to move in, put some hairspray in, got me to contact my cousin Jack who was at the party and confirm everyone was there and it was a go, and then I left.
And sure, I had awkward moments and didn't properly mingle with everyone that I didn't know but I was there, I chatted, I had a laugh with mates, I saw people play beer pong for the first time and skulled some beer. I had a few vodkas and lemonade, and when that ran out, I got some vodka and coke, though everyone says not to mix those.
I got a lift with a girl I'm friends with to the club, we paid, went in, got a drink, danced for two hours, then because it's raining, I got a taxi home. Free, because another guy asked if he could jump in as well, because we were going close to the same place. He gave me a 10 dollar note when he got out and the cab fare was 10 so all was well.
I'm not drunk, but I'll drink a whole bottle of water to absorb all that vodka before I sleep. Just because I'm not a light weight doesn't mean that the vodka isn't still in my system. My ears are ringing like crazy of course, they always do when I go out clubbing.
But overall, of course I don't regret going. For the price of entry to the club and one drink, I got my whole night out. And sure, my car is still at the party, but Mum and I can go get it tomorrow once I'm okay to drive. I forged some closer bonds with girls I'm friendly with, but not friends per se. These girls are all a year younger than me but who cares really? As far as social development goes, I'm not exactly head of the pack. Drinking and dancing with my younger cousin was fun, though slightly weird, because I still feel like he is way too young to be doing that kind of thing.
Anyway, in a better mood now. If I don't feel headache-y tomorrow, I will rate tonight a success.
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