I spent the weekend at my friend Jess's house. I don't know what it is (or maybe I do) but I wasn't looking forward to it. It's spending time with my best friends, yet I just find myself wanting to get out of it. One of my best friends Megan turned to me and pulled up my cheeks into a smile because I was glowering without meaning to. After that she'd just keep grinning at me, to make me smile back. It's not that I wasn't enjoying myself, I was mostly, I just also really wanted to be at home, by myself.
Sometimes you do just feel like you want to lock yourself away and be alone and I do feel inadequate and sad and self conscious and I think maybe New Years was a part of it. When I was at Jess's then (same people), and we had to dress up as each other and copy each others traits, I got a look at myself that I wasn't particularly happy with.
Also just everything my friends are doing, Sarah being 7 months pregnant but with guys after her and about to inherit 70k and Jess, becoming an expert cake decorator, staying more on track with weight loss, setting up work placements, finally getting together with her best friend, Megan with a full time job, a long term boyfriend, High Distinctions and all this other stuff going for her, and I just feel hopelessly out of my depth.
If I was each of those people, I'm sure I could find the negatives of their situations as well, but right now it's just jealously and inadequacy.
My frame of mind isn't positive at all right now, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating like crap, I'm sick of everything, I'm unhappy and I just want to hibernate for awhile.
But I have a job, and responsibilities, and exercise I have to do, and all this stuff because I am a fucking adult. I just have to keep going and going and it feels endless and I don't understand because this is my holiday but it feels so crowded and like I can't stop and that is hard.
I don't know if this'll make you feel any better, but I've felt the same jealousy/inadequacy as of late. A few hours after the group left my house on Saturday, similar comparisons started for me.
ReplyDelete"She's got a license. Think of the shit she's gone through in the last few years, all the health problems she's had, yet she's got ~100 more hours behind the wheel than you do. And what's your excuse? 'I'm scared :(' Do you see the problem here? She's got more balls in her pinky than you do in your entire body."
Then there's uni: you guys seem so on track and focused, like you know where you wanna be when uni's over, what jobs you want and all that, but I couldn't be more apathetic about it. I have no interest in employment whatsoever, neither in terms of a part-time job for now or full-time employment for later. I'm applying to change majors too, so it's like I just wasted a year: met no one, learned so little of any relevance. So many mistakes in such a short period of time.
From where I am, I look up to you. You're employed, you have a social life (better than mine, at least -- can't remember the last time I slept over somewhere :P), you're employed with a future career in mind, and you've made a lot of progress with your weight loss (unless what I've read here previously is wrong :P). I mean, if you think you're eating like crap, remember how I eat for a second :P
I might be stating the obvious here, but I'm just saying that you're not doing badly atm. I have similar problems when I look around at others and see what they're doing, making comparisons and judging myself, and that brings me down, making me moody and leading me to sit in my chair and just stare at the ground. But when I'm doing stuff like writing comedy or reading about religion or whatever, no one else's standards exist. I'm not trying to be them; I'm not even trying to be *like* them; I'm only being me. Just like you're not Sarah, you're not Jess, and you're not Megan: you're Lucy. Just because you don't get HDs doesn't make you a poor student. And just because Sarah has guys after her doesn't mean there won't be some sporty, intelligent guy next year at uni or something who, after taking one look at you, thinks the sun shines out of what he believes to be the ass of the century :P
You're evidently not in over your head or anything, but I thought I'd balance the perspectives just a little. If this blog is anything to go by, you can evidently get shit done when you're positive, so yeah :)