I'm trying to get back in a positive frame of mind. I was reminded that it's when I'm positive that I get things done and I feel good about myself and everything feels in control and life is better.

But it comes down to the way I eat. My eating does get out of control. And not just a little bit. I exercise really well, I'm fit because exercise isn't something that I have an issue with. I'm kind of sporty and very competitive so getting out there isn't my problem. Food is. I walk the line between plain overeating and binge eating. If I have an eating disorder, that's what it is. Binge eating disorder. I'm not saying I do, this isn't me self diagnosing because I think that's belittling people who actually have it, I'm just saying that I am not as far removed from it as I want to be or as normal people are.

I get into a funk and I eat and eat and I hide what I eat and I feel ashamed of it but not enough to stop. And it just keeps going on and on and I don't get back on track until I have no progress left.Its just start again and I know exactly what I am doing but I don't stop. I tell myself I will, but 15 minutes later I do it again, and my brain is like 'you know this is stupid, you are regretting it already you stupid idiot and you haven't even done it yet' but I feel helpless to it, like it's an inevitability. And I've been sinking for a week now. I put on a kilo, and if I don't stop, will do it again.

This is the way it always goes down. Fuck fuck fuck. I know all I have to do is say no. I know that. And I want to. I just don't know what will happen in an hour. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. Or late tonight. I don't know what will change my mind and what I'll be tempted with.

It's so frustrating that I know how to be good and I proved I could do it but here I am,

-----

It's been....oh, maybe 40 minutes. I feel... legitimately panicked over not eating again until dinner.

That's so crazy I know, but it's also how I know there is a legitimate issue here, that my relationship with food is anything but healthy.

At least I can say I've never stuck my fingers down my throat to try to throw up. Until that day comes, and honestly, I'm not saying it never will, it could be next fucking week for all I know, I'm not going to worry any more over potential eating disorders.