So... you know who texted me asking if I wanted to go get that drink he promised me. At the Uni bar of all places, but I'll take it. I don't need to drink alcohol, I'll get get him to split nachos with me instead.

I don't feel weird about it in the sense of apprehension. We talk easily enough and it's been a long time, even if he doesn't talk much, I have lots to say.

I know what I'll wear, I know how not to put too much effort or thought into the fact that he took a teeny bit of initiative. I know not to care.

I don't follow that well. But I'll try.

This isn't anything weird- even with my overthinking I don't think that. I just know that even this time last year- after only a month since schoolies, by New Years he was asking me to meet up and we were emailing and texting. This year, when everything should be water under the bridge, we are actually more distant, and that is sad. So this is vital to us getting on track to being friendly this summer, which is what I want. I want to be able to text and say 'I'm going to the beach, want to come?' the way I can with lots of other friends, and just make casual, easy plans.

I know this isn't a big thing, but it may be a turning point. Fingers crossed.

----

Right, sometimes meeting you-know-who is a bad thing, it gives me more emotions, rather than less.

I'm not sure what which way I wanted to fall really... obviously one is healthy, one is not.

Luckily, I did well and realised that the reason I've been all fuck-you-so-what-I-love-him-who-cares-shut-up is just because I'm weird and I hadn't seen him for ages and I doubt myself. I don't care about other boys and I care about him so I turn that into I just love him and I am forever screwed.

Which isn't true. I may be a bit aromantic right now but that isn't the end of the world.

And so we met, we talked, we caught up. It wasn't butterflies. It was us but not... great us. Not best friends forever type friendship, just regular. It was weird because I had a lot to say, but when we were talking, I forgot most of it. Like, when someone asks you what you've been up to that week and you know that you've left the house every day  and have been meeting friends but you can't think of anything to mention or remember.

But we talked about this and that. It's hard because I like to follow scripts, I can't help it, I want conversation to go a certain way but he always does it wrong and goes off script or interrupts me so we jump around a lot and I lose satisfaction on conversations that get brushed over before I've said what I meant to. I do it to though, I plan to say something but then it comes out skewy or I rush to change topics because I feel weird about what I said.

I bashed him up a bit for being an idiot about my birthday. He forgot I moved and lived on the bus route now so he could have come after all. Dumbass.

He probably won't have a birthday party this year. At least not an inclusive one with our group invited after last years which was awful for him. I can't really talk about this objectively but the way I saw it was that it went fine, from the perspective of everyone except for his girlfriend and him. Like, everyone else didn't notice anything was wrong, but some of the ragging on him that went on, blonde jokes, I don't know what else, upset his girlfriend to the point where she went home crying. I don't really get it because I can't really rewind to that night and focus on the stuff that I didn't pay attention to then. I do Psych, memory doesn't work like that, we only pay attention to a small fraction of details that we think are important and everything else gets chucked out immediately. So if we were disrespectful or salt-in-wounds, I didn't really see it or remember it. I spent that night focused on acting calm and happy, while respecting boundaries. But it did apparently suck and I remember he said some really questionable things to me later that night before I told him to stop because he was being a dumbass.

I was worried before... but now I'm not. I do want him to be a part of my life. I don't have many guys that I hang out with one on one. My ex having a girlfriend now, I don't know, I feel weird about hanging with him. I don't know if it has much to do with the cheating thing that I did with you-know-who, but I'm not used to having to censor myself around my ex. He knew how friendzoned he was and that was all that mattered then obviously, no third party.  I didn't explain this well to you-know-who today when he asked me to invite my ex to join us, but basically I am trying really really hard to not overstep a single boundary with him, real or imagined. I don't like him obviously so it wouldn't be a big deal but I don't need any more blonde girlfriends that I'm not friends with to feel questionable around. Flirting with friends boyfriends is fine. I can check out my best friends boyfriends ass loudly and obviously- and I'll tell her about it. She knows I'm not interested in him, and he's focused solely on her. My bffl and I just do it cos its funny.

To conclude, everything went well today, shockingly platonic. As it should be. Like, I have this bunch of scroll through images in my head that run when I think about him in that way, but they don't mesh with what we have now. They're memories, not real life. And it's a significant difference.