angry

There are two people in my life that I can trust to let me down. Two people that both love me, in their own way, but that are so absolutely unreliable that I trust them but I know I shouldn't.

I believe every time that it'll be different, and I allow myself to hope but it always gets teared down.

One is my Dad and the other is you-know-who. I wrote an entry comparing them once but it was a long time ago, it got deleted with everything before May (?). To cut a long story short, they're very similar in personality and therefore similar in flaws. Both always say the right thing but it never is practical. It never happens. Nothing ever comes from it. It's always promises, promises and sweet words and offers to make it up. Never any follow through but this major part of me ignores that and falls for it, every damn time.

Of all the men in the world, I love these two the most. I'm not denying it, I love you know who, to Hell and back. It's my birthday, I can say what I want. Well, actually it's 2 in the morning but fuck that. I'm not in love with him because we don't speak anymore but do I have crazy, strong, irrational feelings for him? Yes. I do. I try to resolve them. I have things like my birthday which I plan and plan and fantasise about and dream up these perfect scenarios where he says what I want, just simple things like 'nice house' or 'cool room' or 'that's awesome, how long did it take you to make that?' because then I know he's there and he's taking something in and he's being a part of my life and a part that has an opinion because I desire his opinion more than anyone's. Anything I do, anything, all year, I always wish I could get his approval. I want him to know what I do and what I think and what I like and approve and be impressed and just know.

I wanted him to see my brown hair and say 'hey, but now I can't call you blondie anymore!' or 'when did you do that?' so I could say 'like, a month ago. maybe you'd know if I saw you more.'

 I didn't want anything hard! I wanted a hug. That's it. And if he'd come, I'd of gotten it and I'd have pictures of him there and of us and it's not that I'm in love with him, I can't be, he just means so much to me and I can't explain it but I wanted him there and he wasn't.

Just like last year. Just like always.

I let myself hope. I sent my facebook invite. He didn't reply for awhile and I expected it. I expected to have to chase him down and I expected him to say no. I commented to someone else to reply and it was a hint to him. It always is, I direct so much in his direction. And he took it surprisingly, and said attending. And I knew it was dumb to hope but I did and I got excited and it made me happy to think that he'd be there and see the party I was throwing and the effort I'd put in and he'd give me a present and I'd see if he gave me money or put effort in. I'd see if he and my bffl just ignored each other or were downright catty. I'd see who he was still friends with and if we still got along, if I automatically drifted to the seat next to his. What he'd say about the fact that I spend half my party each year playing cards? If he ate the food and smiled and if he said he had a good time and what dumb selfies we'd take and I imagined him seeing my room and repeating what he said at my 17th when he helped drag down mattresses, 'this is your room?' like he was surprised. If he'd see my motivation posters and I would have to drag him away before he caught a glimpse of his name hidden somewhere in my hundreds of reasons to get fit.

I'm sorry that I think those things and wanted them but I don't deny the fact that I did and the sting of disappointment when I saw his message on facebook telling me there was a change of plans and how bitterly angry and sad it made me.

But I have the opposite type friend to that as well. Sometimes I think I'm in love with her, sometimes I just don't have a fucking clue what I feel. I love her, no doubt and she understands me, more than my bffl sometimes. When I'm that kind of sad. I saw the message from you-know-who, told her he wasn't coming and you know what she did? She took my hand. She didn't have to say anything, that was enough. She understood.

I think I love her like an asexual. I love her romantically perhaps, and I'd kiss her if she were into that kind of thing, but as far as physical goes, it's just neutral, don't want/ don't not want. She has a boyfriend. I remember crying when she told me over msn years ago. I always supported her 100% and will always but I did cry when she got with him. I never told her. Maybe one day but she means too much to me. Still, it's such a different kind of love. It's the best friend kind, the familial. She's my sister, weirdly enough. Family.

I have to be up at 7 ish tomorrow, which is about 4 and a half hours away, so I'll end here.

I have a lovely birthday despite this entry and I'll talk all about how perfectly everything went tomorrow.