Brithdayyy

Okay so I need to plan my birthday!

I have 10 days to go, I have a basic list of guests and a basic idea of what I want it to be like.  But I need to decorate and buy things and decide what I'm wearing and exactly what food I want and make sure everything is spotless.

I need my room to be beautiful which it is not. I want fairy lights and colour and flowers and I need a pretty dress. Should I cut my hair all off before then? That's what I normally do.

I need to buy all the fruit and chocolate and decide exactly what I want to have for dinner. I'm thinking just little things like nachos and mini pizzas, along with lots of fruit dipped in chocolate and caramel and I want a Pavlova for my cake.

I need to make a new playlist of songs appropriate for a party (cut half the glee, more of the less embarrassing stuff, plus anything that reminds me of you know who that I feel would make my night more satisfying to play with him in sight).

If he comes. He didn't last year but to be fair, it was like 3 weeks after I told him not to contact me and deleted everything I had that reminded me of him. Except clearly his email, because I did invite him. I have this whole long pros/cons list in my diary from last year.

I'm not inviting girlfriends that I'm not friends with. Aka his, my ex's, one of my best friends ex's, I'm just blanket ruling that I'm not doing plus ones. Don't have enough room and don't want to.

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Okay so it is now... 4 days until my birthday.

Eep.

Some changes but also some advancements so that's good...

Party invites all out. Facebook is so easy these days. I remember so many years of picking out the prettiest pink invitations and printing them all off and sometimes Mum making it embarrassing though looking back, the year she made me roll them all up and tie them with curling ribbon (I nearly died with embarrassment), and added 'parents are welcome to stay for refreshments' or something similar (I was CRINGING), that really wasn't weird at all lol, it was actually a cute idea.

This is the first year I'm really doing it all myself which is slightly disconcerting but also makes sense. I mean, Mum'll give me a hundred for food, which won't go too far but hopefully I can stretch it.

So, items ticked off....

Everyone invited. So far 11 people coming for sure, but I am pretty sure about the rest of them. Mostly best friends boyfriends who don't use facebook much but I expect will come. Only 2 people can't, one girl and one guy so it should still stay relatively even. It's hard because all my best friends are girls, but most have boyfriends that I'm friends with as well, so it usually ends up right, because I don't invite guy friends girlfriends cos I don't know them. Girls date in group, guys date out, so...

I have slightly changed my policy, my ex may be bringing his girlfriend. He asked and originally I was like, not doing that, but that was mainly cos I didn't want to start a precedent for you know who (why create myself anxiety on my birthday?) or for my best/good friend, whose ex now has a new girlfriend. But I want to meet her and while other group things will hopefully be planned soon (I have plans!) this one is planned and coming up.

My friend is doing my cake for me, so sadly, no Pavlova this year. Which saves me 30 bucks and I'm sure I'll get some at Christmas. Lucy loves Pavlova. But  my best friend is great at decorating and creative and I'm sure my cake will be awesome. Besides, I don't usually even eat my cake. Last year when I was cutting my cake was when my head really started to spin, and the beginning of my 15 minutes of drunkeness before I got sick and fell asleep. Other years I usually just got the Woolies Icecream cakes, which were delish but like, nothing special. So I'm excited. But I swear to God, if she makes me a wombat cake, I'll kill her.

I have also cleaned my room and got my fairy lights, which are beautiful. I am very pleased..

I think I'll go out today and get more.

Food is freaking me out though. I mean, snack food is fine. I want to make cute things, I want people to like it and it to look lovely. Yummy dips and things. But I don't know what to do for actual dinner. I didn't want to do pizza. I was gonna do just nachos and mini pizza in oven, probably with party pies as well, but I don't want people to go home hungry or unsatisfied because it's just little things, not one meal like 10 pizzas.

I have my dress. It's satin and pink and oh so pretty. It makes me feel pretty anyway, and that's what matters. Too bad it suits blonde hair more. I want to be blonde again. Blonde bombshell! EIther way, I'll curl it all and have it looking like the main feature, which is usually is. Haha. I saw a friend of mine at the mall today, she and a friend I didn't know were going for waffles. It's weird, I didn't invite her to my party. I thought about it but she's been doing this Christian study camp all year and we don't talk much and I'm okay with letting my friendship with her drop. When we met, she didn't see me at first (probably the hair) but I said hi and she's quiet and was awkward so I just talked to her for a minute then let her go. She's not going to my uni anyway so I'm not really going to see her. She's not like Corey, also going to Macquarie, but he comes down heaps and I always make time for him (and vise versa). Corey is my success story.

In other news, there is a post on Tumblr that tells you how to find out who views your profile, in order of who views it most. Mine went best friend (girl), best friend (girl), best friend (girl), ex, you-know-who, Corey. No surprises really, but it was fun to find out and I'm guessing it's legit. I know that's not my order of whose profiles I look at most. I hope this doesn't become popular because that'd be awkward. I'm a facebook stalker. Of you-know-who anyway haha.

I'm not nearly as embarrassed by that as I should be. Not of the blogging either. Why not blog about people that matter to me? It's fun, non harmful and if he wants to read it, I'm nice to him more than I'm mean and there isn't much here that I wouldn't have said to his face really. Not now perhaps, but my feelings bounce around. I care about him, nothing really wrong with that.

Did it make me feel overly pleased that he finally said he was coming to my birthday? Yes. But he missed my last one and I want him to see me looking pretty and I want a hug and you know when you think about romantic interactions on a physical level (is that a round about way of saying sex?), for me it's not that feeling of kissing I think about or anything past that, it's just the weight of his upper body pressed against mine.

Maybe not his in particular but that's the image I get in my head when I think sex. So basically a hug. Or being pushed hard up against a wall, take your pick haha.

Either way, I like hugs and his are the best. But he has a girlfriend and I don't like him like that, repeat the rhetoric, I got it.

Argh I can't wait until Friday!