I dont think I have many misandry-ist opinions. Like, I'm all for equality, my understanding of it however is under the assumption that we live in a patriarchal society and that where men are seen as the default, women are the 'other', the companion, partner, sidekick, second. This is the perspective that I base my arguments and beliefs on.
I RECOGNISE that there are such things such as female privilege, I've tried writing up a list before, or using one written by men's rights activists but they are mostly bullshit. Even the good stuff, you can explain under the theory of patriarchy.
And what these mens rights activists complain about, generally is what women deal with, but only like a fraction. Like, if they are butthurt over 3 things, feminists are over 40 things.
There are some exceptions, I was watching a youtube video about how on the Talk, the women were laughing and generally making light of the fact that one women cut off her husbands dick. And it is true that the opposite genders couldn't make those jokes in the same way on national television. And I asked myself why that is, because this isn't the first time I've heard stories like that. Like, the grandma who shot the balls off the man who raped her granddaughter and everyone was commenting 'good on her' and 'he deserved it' and I was just like, backing away cos that's fucked.
I think that is wrong, I really do. I perhaps think that I have too much respect for the legal system in some ways, but I find it comforting to know that there is an agreed system in place to deal with crimes, and that taking matters into your own hands is dangerous to society. Rules are important.
I'm still trying to work out why people think that violence against men in this way is okay. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it is women taking back power from abusive men, finding their own power. It demonises men in a society that- I wouldn't say values per se, but sympathises with them in cases like this.
It's stupid because violence isn't stopped the way it should be and power is something men are encouraged to have, to be strong and dominant etc, but at the same time, women have got the upper hand in modern times in that abuse is not condoned in most cases and there is a lot of anger there from women.
here is a comprehensive list of men's rights activists issues. I won't deny they are issues, but I consider them issues that will be resolved through feminism or a male group working with feminism, not one that works against it. I think that feminism in my understanding is just not understood by MRA's.
Oh. That really explains the whole white feather fiasco.
The white feather issue was during the first world war. Conscientious objectors and young able men who did not sign up for the military were shamed from cowardice through the use of white feathers. Young women would give the feathers to the men, on the street, in shops etc, and generally shun them for not signing up. This is a real example of using one gender to influence the other, and shows the power women can hold. This links into the next point, but lack of gender equality means stereotypes and differing expectations of men and women- that men are meant to be strong and brave and protect the helpless women. Consider this- while men were forced into the military, men were also allowed to become educated, and become doctors and lawyers and politions. They were allowed to work and vote. Let's be real here, women didn't get the vote in Britain until after this war was over.
That explains the draft.
Women are fighting to get into the military, they are fighting to be allowed into special forces and to be recognised as capable in this capacity. The military had almost forever been a boys club and feminism obviously is trying to change that. It is men who make the arguments that their physical capabilities make them superior in this area, while feminists argue to let there be requirements to be in the military- based on ability and strength, not gender. There are women who are stronger than some men, that is a fact. In Australia, there isn't a draft, conscription isn't legal here. I don't believe in it. While the draft isn't in effect, stop complaining about it. My history isn't very good, but it's been a long awhile since it's happened and a lot has changed.
That explains why men get more jail time for the same crimes.
Actually, I've seen stats that say while women are much less likely to be convicted, when they are, their sentences are longer. And let's combat that with the fact that people go to jail longer for plagerism in some cases, then for brutal rape and murder. See how much women are valued in this society. How about the fact that only about 5% of rapists ever serve time in jail.
That explains “women and children first”.
Women are seen as helpless, weak and needing protection. This is a image feminists are trying to remove. Women and children first is not equality.
That explains chivalry in a time when women and men are paid equally for equal work and qualifications.
Women make 77c to the male dollar. Equal pay for equal work doesn't mean we're on equal financial footing, when it has been proven that with equal resumes, men are much more likely to be hired and thought competent. Only 3 on Fortunes top 500 are women. How about the glass ceiling.
That explains infant male genital mutilation.
This one is legitimate as a cause, but not one to throw at feminists. Women in some countries are still dealing with female circumsision, which involved cutting off the clitoris. which is akin to cutting off a males penis. It leads to painful, if possible, sexual intercourse, and while I'm not at expert, I believe it is stitched up basically over the vagina so penetration is difficult and without the clit, very, very unpleasant.
That explains why “teach men not to rape” is acceptable when “teach murderers not to murder” is seen as ridiculous.
It is ridiculous to 'teach people not to murder' because WE ALREADY DO. Murder is not acceptable in society! It's the worst crime that can be commited, with the harshest penalties. But rape culture teaches us to blame the victim, that what a woman is wearing, what she was drinking, whether she was promiscious, if she had implied sex was on the table, are all legitimate excuses a rapist can use. You don't blame a murder victim, but you imply that someone 'wanted' to be raped. Teaching men not ot rape is a good campaign because it puts the blame where it belongs, on the rapist who had sex with someone who did not, or could not consent.
That
explains why female survivors of wartime are considered the “real”
victims instead of their husbands and fathers and brothers who died.
Yet we continually honour military service, we hold parades, have a deep respect and admiration for soldiers. Also having sympathy for those let behind in grief is not wrong at all...
That explains why old women who outlive their husbands are pitied instead of their husbands who died before their time.
Same point, and I don't think this is one way. Men who outlive their wives are seen the same way, only women have a longer life expectancy- which isn't a social issue- so it's more often women outliving their partner.
I'll continue this tomorrow. It's late and these arguments are long.
That explains why men are turned away at the door in most homeless and abuse shelters.
That
explains why people laugh when a man gets hurt but are outraged/deeply
saddened when the same exact thing happens to a woman.
That explains the legal definition of rape in the US (and indeed in many countries).
That explains the alteration of educational standards to improve the scores of girls and decrease the scores of boys.
That explains “battered woman syndrome”.
That explains stranger danger.
That
explains the heralding of single mothers as strong and courageous
despite the evidence of the effect it tends to have on the children they
raise.
That explains child custody and child support standards.
That explains how rape or abuse allegations are handled.
That
explains why even though girls are touted as mentally maturing faster
than boys, it’s a heinous crime to have sex with a 14 year old girl, but
a 14 year old boy just got lucky.
That explains why a drunk man can rape a sober woman, but not the other way around.
That explains why a little boy can commit statutory rape of a little girl, but not the other way around.
That explains why a woman can rape a man or steal his sperm and still legally force him to pay child support.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
The Walking Dead
So I started watching The Walking Dead today. Holy shit is it good. I've been meaning to watch it since the beginning of the holidays but you know, procrastination. I have a whole list of shows I was supposed to be test driving so I watched the beginning of Parks and Rec as well today, the first 3 episodes. I like the lead actor in that so that's why, I can't spell her last name, Amy P. But the humour isn't exactly mine so we'll see.
But the walking dead, zombie apocalypse is my favourite, so it's good. You-know-who and I were talking about it a few weeks ago so I know the general plot line but it is really really good. I can't not watch without my feminist goggles but even so.
Like, it's the kind of female representation that is pretty common, it's very normal. It's like the 5 man band trope, one of the 5 is a woman, the rest are by default men. So you get the leader, the hunter, the black one, the funny one, and the chick. I think those are the five. Everything I say is also applicable to racism and black people, at least in American media, which is basically the default as well. So the woman is competent and might not even serve any romantic plot but the ratio of 4 or 5 to one is pretty legit in most tv or movies. Think Avengers. It gives girls someone to relate to and like, like being the pink power ranger. Though I think there were actually two girl power rangers? Idk, I didn't like power rangers. When the ratio gets out of whack, with god forbid, even an even number of male/female, people look at it weirdly. I do. Only exception is generally chick flicks, but the name shows it right there, if there is an even number of women in a plot, or more women, though its almost never you get no undeveloped men, it's classified a girl movie. But movies with a majority of males is just a movie.
So yeah, this show isn't stepping much outside the box in that way. I know the names of about 5 men and one chick, who is the wife and mother of the protagonist and son. While two women were out on the mission with let me think, 5 dudes, they were background mostly, and had barely a stand out moment.
However I'm not dissing TWD totally. I can't remember the name of the test, but it passes or fails movies based on if a female character has a conversation with another that is not about a guy. Like, if they are rival romantic interests of the main dude bro, them talking about it doesn't count. And there has been that. I'm on episode 4, and it's happened, let's see.... twice. And I'm pleased with that, how gross is that? In about 3 and a half hours of footage, about 2 minutes of it was dedicated to a female relationship. One between sisters and one between all the women as they washed clothes by the lake.
The scene was positive in that one of them actually spoke up about the division of labour, then they talked about things they missed, like their washing machine, coffee maker, car, then one said vibrator and they all oohed and laughed, then another older one agreed and they started cacking themselves, good naturedly, like that was a organic scene.
Then an utter asshole white male douchebag comes over, tells them to stop laughing and get back to work, they all quiet, the college educated one (basically me, except prettier and blonder) was like, if you want it done, do it yourself. She's dead now.
He threatened her, then told his wife to follow him, they were going back to camp. Then women were like 'she doesn't have to go', and tried to pull her back because he was abusive and shit, they were all yelling and he hit her and she fell back, and then the other main leader dudebro came and beat the shit out of him.
And of course the wife ran to him and tended to him once he finished punching the crap out of him.
But it was a powerful scene and I really like the walking dead so I'm going to keep watching.
Because the thing is, this kind of representation is normal. I write apocalypse stories like this, worse. I mean, as far as male/female representation goes. I read a lot of dytopias with really fucked up gender dynamics.
See, the thing is, I don't mind reading about fucked up gender dynamics, I love it. It hits on lots of the right things for me. I just need it to be done in a way that is showing the evils of it, not being like 'fuckin' right, put women in their place, this is how society should be'.
So the Handmaid's Tale, or The Postman, or any other one, they're great. The Walking Dead has been good so far dealing with redneck, south US state white assholes and racism. Now they're doing sexism so let's see.
-----
So I finished the 2nd season, I feel slightly disappointed. It wasn't as good as the first season and I had a lot more problems with it.
It's a very guy oriented show. It is sexist. It does make caricatures of women and uses them as tools to guide the male narrative.
http://opinionessoftheworld.com/2012/04/10/the-walking-dead-and-gender/
This is an article that sums it up brilliantly. This is a great quote.
“[The Walking Dead goes out of its] way to demonstrate that those women had to first be saved by a righteous man. In order for women to become competent and determined, a man had to first stand up and make a space for them. Until a man appeared as savior, the women were doomed to be physically overpowered and sexually exploited.”
My favourite female character is called Andrea. She was a successful civil rights laywer before the zombie apocalypse and is the only female who becomes 'one of the guys' when it comes to carrying a gun and shooting proficiently, guarding the perimeter and providing protection.
She is the only 'strong female character'. I am not the type of feminist that believes that women need to be more like men to be valuable, or that devalues traditional women's roles, but it is very hard to like characters that are used purely as props to male characters, and Andrea defies that better than most.
The other main female character (who dies next season, thank God), is the wife of the protagonist Rick. He was believed dead at the beginning of the apocalypse and Lori and her son were saved by his best friend and partner Shane. Shane falls in love with Lori and in her grief they become lovers.
When Rick finds then, she immediately goes back to him, and basically, in not much kinder words, tells him to fuck off, stay away from her and her son.
While I wouldn't have blamed her for going back to her husband, she dealt with the love triangle business badly and I didn't like her for her treatment of Shane, who was my first favourite character.
I don't generally like the main hero, when it's a guy. It's not that it's a guy, but the hero trope pisses me off. It really made no sense that Rick took over from Shane as leader of the group and when everyone just started to listen to him and do everything he said, it was weird and I was like, why are they following him? They blame it on charisma but it's really not there. And you know when shows decide that the 'hero' is always morally right and in-show, it's always the other characters that get shamed and the hero is always in the right and everyone worships the ground they walk on, even though I'm watching in the audience like 'what the fuck'. Same with Finn in Glee and Clark in Smallville. It's why I'm always drawn to the anti heroes who generally have a point.
I still can't believe that my favourite character is a racist redneck but he actually is the best at not taking agency away from the female characters. And for all his faults, he actually developed best of everyone. He still lashes out and has a long way to go, but he and Carol, a domestic abuse survivor who also lost her daughter in season 2, have a semi-good relationship and occasionally bring out the best in each other.
Season 3 is possibly the best yet... I still have a lot of problems with gender, race and representation but there were some improvements. Daryl (everyone's favourite redneck) is even more brilliant than ever. He and Carol are awesome, if they got together it'd defy a lot of stereotypes but I think it could be amazing. But I ship them just as bros as well.
Carl, the kid, annoys the crap out of me. Just in general, 'daddy's gone, you're the man of the house now' cliches piss me off, but in a zombie apocolypse, when there are adults around, EVEN IF THOSE ADULTS ARE WOMEN AND CRIPPLED MEN, why is this THIRTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD MAKING THE DECISIONS. It's fucking weird.
Andrea has gone much downhill, siding with her evil new lover who everyone knows is evil except her, despite quite a lot of evidence, she is still sticking with him and it's frigging annoying. He has taken away a lot of her agency and she's lost a lot of her opinions and has become a less rolemodel-y character.
Michonne on the other hand, her badass, Amazon warrior look a like saviour, is intense, says very little, cares for children and does the right things, has great instincts and a terrible past.... SOUNDS LIKE A NEW FAVOURITE CHARACTER ALERT. I like her muchly.
No more episodes until February now but I do like the walking dead, it's a great show, it's a treat to get to see a zombie apocalypse in TV show format, which is of course my favourite format, even beating out books (blasphemy!!).
But the walking dead, zombie apocalypse is my favourite, so it's good. You-know-who and I were talking about it a few weeks ago so I know the general plot line but it is really really good. I can't not watch without my feminist goggles but even so.
Like, it's the kind of female representation that is pretty common, it's very normal. It's like the 5 man band trope, one of the 5 is a woman, the rest are by default men. So you get the leader, the hunter, the black one, the funny one, and the chick. I think those are the five. Everything I say is also applicable to racism and black people, at least in American media, which is basically the default as well. So the woman is competent and might not even serve any romantic plot but the ratio of 4 or 5 to one is pretty legit in most tv or movies. Think Avengers. It gives girls someone to relate to and like, like being the pink power ranger. Though I think there were actually two girl power rangers? Idk, I didn't like power rangers. When the ratio gets out of whack, with god forbid, even an even number of male/female, people look at it weirdly. I do. Only exception is generally chick flicks, but the name shows it right there, if there is an even number of women in a plot, or more women, though its almost never you get no undeveloped men, it's classified a girl movie. But movies with a majority of males is just a movie.
So yeah, this show isn't stepping much outside the box in that way. I know the names of about 5 men and one chick, who is the wife and mother of the protagonist and son. While two women were out on the mission with let me think, 5 dudes, they were background mostly, and had barely a stand out moment.
However I'm not dissing TWD totally. I can't remember the name of the test, but it passes or fails movies based on if a female character has a conversation with another that is not about a guy. Like, if they are rival romantic interests of the main dude bro, them talking about it doesn't count. And there has been that. I'm on episode 4, and it's happened, let's see.... twice. And I'm pleased with that, how gross is that? In about 3 and a half hours of footage, about 2 minutes of it was dedicated to a female relationship. One between sisters and one between all the women as they washed clothes by the lake.
The scene was positive in that one of them actually spoke up about the division of labour, then they talked about things they missed, like their washing machine, coffee maker, car, then one said vibrator and they all oohed and laughed, then another older one agreed and they started cacking themselves, good naturedly, like that was a organic scene.
Then an utter asshole white male douchebag comes over, tells them to stop laughing and get back to work, they all quiet, the college educated one (basically me, except prettier and blonder) was like, if you want it done, do it yourself. She's dead now.
He threatened her, then told his wife to follow him, they were going back to camp. Then women were like 'she doesn't have to go', and tried to pull her back because he was abusive and shit, they were all yelling and he hit her and she fell back, and then the other main leader dudebro came and beat the shit out of him.
And of course the wife ran to him and tended to him once he finished punching the crap out of him.
But it was a powerful scene and I really like the walking dead so I'm going to keep watching.
Because the thing is, this kind of representation is normal. I write apocalypse stories like this, worse. I mean, as far as male/female representation goes. I read a lot of dytopias with really fucked up gender dynamics.
See, the thing is, I don't mind reading about fucked up gender dynamics, I love it. It hits on lots of the right things for me. I just need it to be done in a way that is showing the evils of it, not being like 'fuckin' right, put women in their place, this is how society should be'.
So the Handmaid's Tale, or The Postman, or any other one, they're great. The Walking Dead has been good so far dealing with redneck, south US state white assholes and racism. Now they're doing sexism so let's see.
-----
So I finished the 2nd season, I feel slightly disappointed. It wasn't as good as the first season and I had a lot more problems with it.
It's a very guy oriented show. It is sexist. It does make caricatures of women and uses them as tools to guide the male narrative.
http://opinionessoftheworld.com/2012/04/10/the-walking-dead-and-gender/
This is an article that sums it up brilliantly. This is a great quote.
“[The Walking Dead goes out of its] way to demonstrate that those women had to first be saved by a righteous man. In order for women to become competent and determined, a man had to first stand up and make a space for them. Until a man appeared as savior, the women were doomed to be physically overpowered and sexually exploited.”
My favourite female character is called Andrea. She was a successful civil rights laywer before the zombie apocalypse and is the only female who becomes 'one of the guys' when it comes to carrying a gun and shooting proficiently, guarding the perimeter and providing protection.
She is the only 'strong female character'. I am not the type of feminist that believes that women need to be more like men to be valuable, or that devalues traditional women's roles, but it is very hard to like characters that are used purely as props to male characters, and Andrea defies that better than most.
The other main female character (who dies next season, thank God), is the wife of the protagonist Rick. He was believed dead at the beginning of the apocalypse and Lori and her son were saved by his best friend and partner Shane. Shane falls in love with Lori and in her grief they become lovers.
When Rick finds then, she immediately goes back to him, and basically, in not much kinder words, tells him to fuck off, stay away from her and her son.
While I wouldn't have blamed her for going back to her husband, she dealt with the love triangle business badly and I didn't like her for her treatment of Shane, who was my first favourite character.
I don't generally like the main hero, when it's a guy. It's not that it's a guy, but the hero trope pisses me off. It really made no sense that Rick took over from Shane as leader of the group and when everyone just started to listen to him and do everything he said, it was weird and I was like, why are they following him? They blame it on charisma but it's really not there. And you know when shows decide that the 'hero' is always morally right and in-show, it's always the other characters that get shamed and the hero is always in the right and everyone worships the ground they walk on, even though I'm watching in the audience like 'what the fuck'. Same with Finn in Glee and Clark in Smallville. It's why I'm always drawn to the anti heroes who generally have a point.
I still can't believe that my favourite character is a racist redneck but he actually is the best at not taking agency away from the female characters. And for all his faults, he actually developed best of everyone. He still lashes out and has a long way to go, but he and Carol, a domestic abuse survivor who also lost her daughter in season 2, have a semi-good relationship and occasionally bring out the best in each other.
Season 3 is possibly the best yet... I still have a lot of problems with gender, race and representation but there were some improvements. Daryl (everyone's favourite redneck) is even more brilliant than ever. He and Carol are awesome, if they got together it'd defy a lot of stereotypes but I think it could be amazing. But I ship them just as bros as well.
Carl, the kid, annoys the crap out of me. Just in general, 'daddy's gone, you're the man of the house now' cliches piss me off, but in a zombie apocolypse, when there are adults around, EVEN IF THOSE ADULTS ARE WOMEN AND CRIPPLED MEN, why is this THIRTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD MAKING THE DECISIONS. It's fucking weird.
Andrea has gone much downhill, siding with her evil new lover who everyone knows is evil except her, despite quite a lot of evidence, she is still sticking with him and it's frigging annoying. He has taken away a lot of her agency and she's lost a lot of her opinions and has become a less rolemodel-y character.
Michonne on the other hand, her badass, Amazon warrior look a like saviour, is intense, says very little, cares for children and does the right things, has great instincts and a terrible past.... SOUNDS LIKE A NEW FAVOURITE CHARACTER ALERT. I like her muchly.
No more episodes until February now but I do like the walking dead, it's a great show, it's a treat to get to see a zombie apocalypse in TV show format, which is of course my favourite format, even beating out books (blasphemy!!).
Christmas selfies
I am being a photo blog for the day, instead of writing a long post. We had Christmas lunch at my house, that's my brother Tom (the 16 year old), and my kinda cousin Anthony, who is super cute and messy and two.
This is everyone (all the kids anyway). All 5 of them, plus my little bro. I'm in the corner in the pink. The kids are dark because they're islander, in case anyone wondered how someone as pale as me could be related. Though I'm a 1/8 Aboriginal so there you go.
Then we did dinner in Sydney, in Kareela at another Auntie's. I have only selfies sadly, which is why these are on my blog and not facebook because selfies are fun but lame. I do think this one is pretty though...
Monday, 24 December 2012
Schoollllllies
It doesn't make sense.
It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. Times a million.
A friend of mine finally put up schoolies pictures tonight, after a YEAR.
I loved schoolies, so I wanted to see what she had and if I'd remember anything new etc. I might hate what I look like in photos, but I love looking at them anyway.
Firstly though, I shake my head at my fashion choices. Did I ever wear a bra or was there just a conspiracy to only have pictures when I wasn't? Fml, seriously. Did I think that was a good look at the time? What was I thinking haha.
Plus the clothes I wore, I know I loved them at the time and felt insanely attractive and it was all good but looking back, damn. Really not.
Third, there were some cute ones of me and you-know-who. I showed all the pictures to my Mum, she always is funny about him. She knows the general gist of it, I talk in fits and bursts, sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I try to shock her, but I remember after schoolies when I walked around in a bad mood for a week she knew why.
Originally at the time when I told her I had a thing for him, they'd only been dating a few months, literally like 4 or so, so it wasn't really that big of a deal. People break up all the time. Disappointingly, its been almost 2 years now so that waiting thing didn't really pay off for me.
She still gives me weird looks if I mention him or meet him. Like, I went to a party Friday night and she asked if he'd be there, and I was like *snort*, no. He isn't a party person.
But yeah, it's not like I have any pictures of us together so I like getting ones. Even if they're us shoving or grabbing pillows from each other or him crushing me or us fighting because good times.
Anyway, I'm hopeless but meh. At least both the guys who are kind of persueing me liked my profile pic which was from the schoolies lol. So did Austin so.
It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. Times a million.
A friend of mine finally put up schoolies pictures tonight, after a YEAR.
I loved schoolies, so I wanted to see what she had and if I'd remember anything new etc. I might hate what I look like in photos, but I love looking at them anyway.
Firstly though, I shake my head at my fashion choices. Did I ever wear a bra or was there just a conspiracy to only have pictures when I wasn't? Fml, seriously. Did I think that was a good look at the time? What was I thinking haha.
Plus the clothes I wore, I know I loved them at the time and felt insanely attractive and it was all good but looking back, damn. Really not.
Third, there were some cute ones of me and you-know-who. I showed all the pictures to my Mum, she always is funny about him. She knows the general gist of it, I talk in fits and bursts, sometimes when I'm in a bad mood I try to shock her, but I remember after schoolies when I walked around in a bad mood for a week she knew why.
Originally at the time when I told her I had a thing for him, they'd only been dating a few months, literally like 4 or so, so it wasn't really that big of a deal. People break up all the time. Disappointingly, its been almost 2 years now so that waiting thing didn't really pay off for me.
She still gives me weird looks if I mention him or meet him. Like, I went to a party Friday night and she asked if he'd be there, and I was like *snort*, no. He isn't a party person.
But yeah, it's not like I have any pictures of us together so I like getting ones. Even if they're us shoving or grabbing pillows from each other or him crushing me or us fighting because good times.
Anyway, I'm hopeless but meh. At least both the guys who are kind of persueing me liked my profile pic which was from the schoolies lol. So did Austin so.
Saturday, 22 December 2012
I need someone to either tell me it's okay to write real life wish fulfillment stories or tell me I'm weird and that I should stop.
To clarify, my latest, and generally all of them, aren't romance centered, but they do give me a lot of satisfaction in dealing with all kinds of relationships in my life.
My best friend does it too, but we have very different styles. I put myself in mortal danger, or knock me up, or I get raped or apocalypse, you know, awful stuff, and deal with the aftermath and I make sure at least someone is there for me. Hurt/comfort. It's my favourite fanfiction genre. You hurt the characters you love the most (it's called whump), where the character is not at fault for their injuries and are generally more competent than other people give them credit, and then you have other characters realise they are important or just be there for them and it's very touching and okay, there is usually romance at that point but it's a great outline for a story, I love it.
I also generally do the hopeless situation, everything sucks, but still, it generally boils down to hurt/comfort and the even-if-everything-else-is-shit-at-least-I-get-you-out-of-it trope.
So I've started a new one :) They are so much fun. I really am egotistical this way, I love writing about myself. I'm one of my own favourite characters. I don't think I MarySue-ify myself, but I would say it's accurate that I do change things and make them more to my liking, but hey, what else is fiction for?
I feel vaguely up myself writing it. It's super fun, I've just written the easiest 8000 words ever, but writing everybody freaking out cos I might die feels slightly lame. (Fun though).
But it's not like I'm trying to exaggerate, I just am trying to think about it, okay, Mum gets the call at 3am, she gets herself and my brother to the hospital, calls my Dad, he'd drive down straightaway from Newcastle (I'm in a seriously critical condition), calls my Auntie who's a nurse at the hospital to come in... So far I feel like that is what'd happen. It's not that up myself, this is my family, if anyone cares, they have to.
After that, I'll use other real life examples to guide the story. My friend got hit my a car this year, I can use those reactions plus my friends little sister got in an accident on a skateboard and was flown up to Sydney where her condition was so serious (bleeding/swelling in the brain) that they thought she was going to die, so I can use that. Also my bffls little sister who started having hour long seizures and had to go to hospital while in Serbia this year (puberty and autism do not mix). I'm not saying I'd use those conditions, but I'd use the emotions stirred up by them and the way in which the news was spread, word of mouth, facebook, how those closest were told and what they did, and those who have relayed those experiences to me.
I'm not one to deny it when inspiration strikes. Who even knows when the last time I was able to write hopefully 10k in a day? Ages ago. This is fun.
----
My two latest are called 'Friends With Benefits' which is pretty self explanatory. Involves lots of arguments, alcohol and conversation. Tries to explore to mainly the concepts of agency and free will. Even if a choice is bad, don't you have a right to still make it? It's pretty fun, I'm not writing it right now, sometimes inspiration just goes, but I'll come back. It's only about 7000 words.
The other is a psychothriller, kidnapped and locked in a room with one person, forced through very real physical, environmental threats, they're forced into very intimate situation, which is filmed for profit. Another in my very long list of fuck-or-die's, one of my best, though I stole the idea. Mainly though, while I write some very dirty things occasionally, mostly I use the concept of sex to inflict more angst and pain, along with intimacy and a shitload of power plays and dubious consent. My stories have messages but more than that, they cover all the right gender and sexuality issues that gets me really going.
The writing is really just my way of harnessing it so I can trigger myself in all the most delightful ways.
To clarify, my latest, and generally all of them, aren't romance centered, but they do give me a lot of satisfaction in dealing with all kinds of relationships in my life.
My best friend does it too, but we have very different styles. I put myself in mortal danger, or knock me up, or I get raped or apocalypse, you know, awful stuff, and deal with the aftermath and I make sure at least someone is there for me. Hurt/comfort. It's my favourite fanfiction genre. You hurt the characters you love the most (it's called whump), where the character is not at fault for their injuries and are generally more competent than other people give them credit, and then you have other characters realise they are important or just be there for them and it's very touching and okay, there is usually romance at that point but it's a great outline for a story, I love it.
I also generally do the hopeless situation, everything sucks, but still, it generally boils down to hurt/comfort and the even-if-everything-else-is-shit-at-least-I-get-you-out-of-it trope.
So I've started a new one :) They are so much fun. I really am egotistical this way, I love writing about myself. I'm one of my own favourite characters. I don't think I MarySue-ify myself, but I would say it's accurate that I do change things and make them more to my liking, but hey, what else is fiction for?
I feel vaguely up myself writing it. It's super fun, I've just written the easiest 8000 words ever, but writing everybody freaking out cos I might die feels slightly lame. (Fun though).
But it's not like I'm trying to exaggerate, I just am trying to think about it, okay, Mum gets the call at 3am, she gets herself and my brother to the hospital, calls my Dad, he'd drive down straightaway from Newcastle (I'm in a seriously critical condition), calls my Auntie who's a nurse at the hospital to come in... So far I feel like that is what'd happen. It's not that up myself, this is my family, if anyone cares, they have to.
After that, I'll use other real life examples to guide the story. My friend got hit my a car this year, I can use those reactions plus my friends little sister got in an accident on a skateboard and was flown up to Sydney where her condition was so serious (bleeding/swelling in the brain) that they thought she was going to die, so I can use that. Also my bffls little sister who started having hour long seizures and had to go to hospital while in Serbia this year (puberty and autism do not mix). I'm not saying I'd use those conditions, but I'd use the emotions stirred up by them and the way in which the news was spread, word of mouth, facebook, how those closest were told and what they did, and those who have relayed those experiences to me.
I'm not one to deny it when inspiration strikes. Who even knows when the last time I was able to write hopefully 10k in a day? Ages ago. This is fun.
----
My two latest are called 'Friends With Benefits' which is pretty self explanatory. Involves lots of arguments, alcohol and conversation. Tries to explore to mainly the concepts of agency and free will. Even if a choice is bad, don't you have a right to still make it? It's pretty fun, I'm not writing it right now, sometimes inspiration just goes, but I'll come back. It's only about 7000 words.
The other is a psychothriller, kidnapped and locked in a room with one person, forced through very real physical, environmental threats, they're forced into very intimate situation, which is filmed for profit. Another in my very long list of fuck-or-die's, one of my best, though I stole the idea. Mainly though, while I write some very dirty things occasionally, mostly I use the concept of sex to inflict more angst and pain, along with intimacy and a shitload of power plays and dubious consent. My stories have messages but more than that, they cover all the right gender and sexuality issues that gets me really going.
The writing is really just my way of harnessing it so I can trigger myself in all the most delightful ways.
Thursday, 20 December 2012
I think I blog about my dreams too much.... nah fuck that, my blog, who cares
Thank you Dream Gods.
I just had... the best dream I can remember. No hyperbole, I actually think it was the best ever.
I think I fell in love. I think I'm AM in love, which is insane because the guy I fell in love with is from dream inside my head. Well, mostly--they do exist, but I barely know them, he was my first ever crush and the boy across the street from me in my childhood. We were in the same class at school.
I haven't seen him since I was 12, except for few months ago I think he was at the table next to me with his girlfriend in the food court at the mall, but I was shy and didn't say hi.
So I know him from facebook and the long ago past but that's it. He was one of those absolutely sickening boyfriends with the "I love you so much baby, forever" status. So I took a teeny bit of amusement when he broke up with his girlfriend.
But this dream! Oh my fucking God, I can't get over it. I'm not recounting it straight away, I woke up like an hour ago (it was a 4 hour nap, its only half past 9pm now) but hopefully I still remember it.
It started 'in character' kind of I suppose. I was bullied vaguely in primary school. Not so much by him, but it was more that people just didn't like me and I took dismissive and rude comments to heart. Not from him, to be clear, he was my favourite boy in my class.
But I was just sitting somewhere, I don't know, I think it was on the basketball court at primary school. I suppose it makes sense that the dream would be partially set there, as it's where I know him from. But I was just there and he, his little sister and my little brother come up with a bunch of friends and all of them swear they don't know me or something, and my brother is 'proof' because he verifies it or something, that no one likes me or I'm a loser or something, it was mean spirited.
But then the others were gone and it was just me, him and his little sister (who I was friends with as a kid, she was my brothers age though). I don't remember what I said to them, but I told them they were fucked up and that was an asshole thing to do. I also remember saying to his sister, 'I always wondered if you'd be one of those girls that became a total slut and I see you did.' Sorry for slutshaming, I obviously wouldn't say it in real life, but I think I know what I meant, which was that kind of stupid, skinny and pretty girl who looks down on everyone and (remember, she's just been apart of his attack on me) is a bitch.
Then she was gone and I was still storming after this guy, because I'm pissed off, he's been a total jerk off but I have something to prove. I don't know what's changed, but I dare him to spent time with me, let me prove him wrong. Why I would do that, I don't know.
For more context here, he is ridiculously good looking. In real life he is and in my dream he was so tall I could barely touch his shoulders. He is also a personal trainer, really into lifting and the gym. So he's really built.
He dared me that if I could swallow down these two small bottles of something I hadn't heard of, he'd hang out with me for the day. They were in these little containers shaped like grenades, round and with a bottleneck top. This changed to more like a tub of cream container but inside was this clear gooey liquid and I knew it was steroid-y stuff. Not illegal or anything, maybe more just like chemical protein powder or something but I was like, no way. Then I went on one of my rants about things sure to rile the other person (like when I try to annoy you-know-who with a deliberately opposing argument to his beliefs on the military- though I do believe it.) So I said a bunch of stuff about how hypocritical it is that gym buffs and health freaks are all the ones that use the chemicals and put all that unnatural crap into their bodies.
Again, I don't remember how we go from dynamic to dynamic but I'd got his attention and we talked without the hostility. Then I said something about his ex girlfriend and he broke down crying and remember, in this dream he's like 8ft tall so I have my arms wrapped around his waist and I'm just hugging him as he cries.
This is how you know it's a dream. Not only am I really bad in real life with crying boys and I know it's really bad and I shouldn't let myself feel this way, I'm not attracted to that at all in guys at all. It turns me off so fast it's ridiculous. It's also sexist. But in the dream it didn't do that and I don't remember if this was explicitly said or not but something like him saying 'I just want to feel like I did before, again." And then we were dancing.
I don't know how to describe it but this keeps coming into my head. Howls Moving Castle. I though it was the shittiest movie of all time, it had no plot or interesting characters, it was a bunch of random crap happening and I really don't understand what people see in it. But that first scene, I vaguely remember the guy taking the girl into the sky and I don't think they were dancing but running/walking or something and that's kind of what this was like. It started as dancing but then it was like flying, he started running and he was so tall and fast and strong that I'd only manage a few quick steps before I'd be swept off my feet and pulled along that way and it was brilliant.
So I dream fell in love.
Sadly I don't remember any more of that storyline. I think there was more but it's gone. *Shrug*
The rest of the dream was weird(er). I was at a party I think, my bffl was high and dancing naked and I was like 'that's super gross, I don't want to see that, put it away." And another feminist friend of mine was 'Don't be hypocritical Lucy.' Because 'just don't look' is my response when guys diss girls for having short skirts or something. Then we were talking about HSC results which came out that day (I was dreaming in real time haha).
The third plotline was the intense action movie one. Me, my ex and you-know-who were running. It was like a hotel. I don't know if we were running to, or running away, or what, but there were lots of stairs and people and elevators (I have a fear of elevators in dreams- probably because last week I dreamed I was in an elevator that snapped and fell a few floors and totally crumpled, trapping me, my dad and brother inside/under. It also landed on a train track which doesn't make much sense logistically but we escaped right before the train came and run over the metal elevator).
There was also this weird bit where I was going iceskating with a bunch of people. Maybe my dream-love and all these cheerleader type girls. Except then it changed, and got weirdly feminist in a down-with-men way. It was this rink full to the brim with black women. And I think it was after some disaster, like Hurricane Katrina or something. So everyone is just like huddling and everyone is basically female, except for a few male babies and I dont know what happened to teh menz. I knew at the time but it's gone now... but there was some rhetoric about women being better and only they could deal with the situation. Or something. I don't even.
-----
To keep my dream posts from getting to extensive, without limitiing my ability to report on them, I'm just going to talk about the latest here.
It was basically Hunger Games (again- though I don't remember if I wrote about the last time, and this was a very different set up). I would be put in the arena- like, not a stadium but a huge, kilometres of land and different terrain and in the first two rounds I had a partnet. To win, we only had to kill the others, not each other. So the girl I was with, Theresa, is super smart and so I followed her lead and we did the same thing both of the first days. We'd hike, so far, up cliffs and though forests. It's a terrain that is sort of made up, but I know where I got it from, like, the local area. Then by the end of the day, we'd have our guns and our weapons and somehow we always came out on top. Then we'd go home, train some more with our group, I'd get instruction from the other boys- people I know, friends etc, but I don't remember which ones. Then I'd look at the scoreboard, see how everyone else was faring, I'd sleep, wake up in the morning, think for ages and plan my nutritious breakfast that would have to last me all day and do it again.
But on the third day, there would be only one winner. And I was freaking out about my strategy, like how could I do what we normally did, when Theresa would probably do that, or catch me. But how could I not go with the tried and true method, this was high stakes, I needed to do what I knew. And then I was running late to get to the arena- it started at 8 and I'd forgotten my keys and it was a 30 minute drive and I was stressing. Before I left, all these Yr 12 girls (The year below me at high school) started playing what I vaguely think was the Last Post. It was something like, you're probs gonna die and we're sad about it. So I hugged a bunch of them.
I just had... the best dream I can remember. No hyperbole, I actually think it was the best ever.
I think I fell in love. I think I'm AM in love, which is insane because the guy I fell in love with is from dream inside my head. Well, mostly--they do exist, but I barely know them, he was my first ever crush and the boy across the street from me in my childhood. We were in the same class at school.
I haven't seen him since I was 12, except for few months ago I think he was at the table next to me with his girlfriend in the food court at the mall, but I was shy and didn't say hi.
So I know him from facebook and the long ago past but that's it. He was one of those absolutely sickening boyfriends with the "I love you so much baby, forever" status. So I took a teeny bit of amusement when he broke up with his girlfriend.
But this dream! Oh my fucking God, I can't get over it. I'm not recounting it straight away, I woke up like an hour ago (it was a 4 hour nap, its only half past 9pm now) but hopefully I still remember it.
It started 'in character' kind of I suppose. I was bullied vaguely in primary school. Not so much by him, but it was more that people just didn't like me and I took dismissive and rude comments to heart. Not from him, to be clear, he was my favourite boy in my class.
But I was just sitting somewhere, I don't know, I think it was on the basketball court at primary school. I suppose it makes sense that the dream would be partially set there, as it's where I know him from. But I was just there and he, his little sister and my little brother come up with a bunch of friends and all of them swear they don't know me or something, and my brother is 'proof' because he verifies it or something, that no one likes me or I'm a loser or something, it was mean spirited.
But then the others were gone and it was just me, him and his little sister (who I was friends with as a kid, she was my brothers age though). I don't remember what I said to them, but I told them they were fucked up and that was an asshole thing to do. I also remember saying to his sister, 'I always wondered if you'd be one of those girls that became a total slut and I see you did.' Sorry for slutshaming, I obviously wouldn't say it in real life, but I think I know what I meant, which was that kind of stupid, skinny and pretty girl who looks down on everyone and (remember, she's just been apart of his attack on me) is a bitch.
Then she was gone and I was still storming after this guy, because I'm pissed off, he's been a total jerk off but I have something to prove. I don't know what's changed, but I dare him to spent time with me, let me prove him wrong. Why I would do that, I don't know.
For more context here, he is ridiculously good looking. In real life he is and in my dream he was so tall I could barely touch his shoulders. He is also a personal trainer, really into lifting and the gym. So he's really built.
He dared me that if I could swallow down these two small bottles of something I hadn't heard of, he'd hang out with me for the day. They were in these little containers shaped like grenades, round and with a bottleneck top. This changed to more like a tub of cream container but inside was this clear gooey liquid and I knew it was steroid-y stuff. Not illegal or anything, maybe more just like chemical protein powder or something but I was like, no way. Then I went on one of my rants about things sure to rile the other person (like when I try to annoy you-know-who with a deliberately opposing argument to his beliefs on the military- though I do believe it.) So I said a bunch of stuff about how hypocritical it is that gym buffs and health freaks are all the ones that use the chemicals and put all that unnatural crap into their bodies.
Again, I don't remember how we go from dynamic to dynamic but I'd got his attention and we talked without the hostility. Then I said something about his ex girlfriend and he broke down crying and remember, in this dream he's like 8ft tall so I have my arms wrapped around his waist and I'm just hugging him as he cries.
This is how you know it's a dream. Not only am I really bad in real life with crying boys and I know it's really bad and I shouldn't let myself feel this way, I'm not attracted to that at all in guys at all. It turns me off so fast it's ridiculous. It's also sexist. But in the dream it didn't do that and I don't remember if this was explicitly said or not but something like him saying 'I just want to feel like I did before, again." And then we were dancing.
I don't know how to describe it but this keeps coming into my head. Howls Moving Castle. I though it was the shittiest movie of all time, it had no plot or interesting characters, it was a bunch of random crap happening and I really don't understand what people see in it. But that first scene, I vaguely remember the guy taking the girl into the sky and I don't think they were dancing but running/walking or something and that's kind of what this was like. It started as dancing but then it was like flying, he started running and he was so tall and fast and strong that I'd only manage a few quick steps before I'd be swept off my feet and pulled along that way and it was brilliant.
So I dream fell in love.
Sadly I don't remember any more of that storyline. I think there was more but it's gone. *Shrug*
The rest of the dream was weird(er). I was at a party I think, my bffl was high and dancing naked and I was like 'that's super gross, I don't want to see that, put it away." And another feminist friend of mine was 'Don't be hypocritical Lucy.' Because 'just don't look' is my response when guys diss girls for having short skirts or something. Then we were talking about HSC results which came out that day (I was dreaming in real time haha).
The third plotline was the intense action movie one. Me, my ex and you-know-who were running. It was like a hotel. I don't know if we were running to, or running away, or what, but there were lots of stairs and people and elevators (I have a fear of elevators in dreams- probably because last week I dreamed I was in an elevator that snapped and fell a few floors and totally crumpled, trapping me, my dad and brother inside/under. It also landed on a train track which doesn't make much sense logistically but we escaped right before the train came and run over the metal elevator).
There was also this weird bit where I was going iceskating with a bunch of people. Maybe my dream-love and all these cheerleader type girls. Except then it changed, and got weirdly feminist in a down-with-men way. It was this rink full to the brim with black women. And I think it was after some disaster, like Hurricane Katrina or something. So everyone is just like huddling and everyone is basically female, except for a few male babies and I dont know what happened to teh menz. I knew at the time but it's gone now... but there was some rhetoric about women being better and only they could deal with the situation. Or something. I don't even.
-----
To keep my dream posts from getting to extensive, without limitiing my ability to report on them, I'm just going to talk about the latest here.
It was basically Hunger Games (again- though I don't remember if I wrote about the last time, and this was a very different set up). I would be put in the arena- like, not a stadium but a huge, kilometres of land and different terrain and in the first two rounds I had a partnet. To win, we only had to kill the others, not each other. So the girl I was with, Theresa, is super smart and so I followed her lead and we did the same thing both of the first days. We'd hike, so far, up cliffs and though forests. It's a terrain that is sort of made up, but I know where I got it from, like, the local area. Then by the end of the day, we'd have our guns and our weapons and somehow we always came out on top. Then we'd go home, train some more with our group, I'd get instruction from the other boys- people I know, friends etc, but I don't remember which ones. Then I'd look at the scoreboard, see how everyone else was faring, I'd sleep, wake up in the morning, think for ages and plan my nutritious breakfast that would have to last me all day and do it again.
But on the third day, there would be only one winner. And I was freaking out about my strategy, like how could I do what we normally did, when Theresa would probably do that, or catch me. But how could I not go with the tried and true method, this was high stakes, I needed to do what I knew. And then I was running late to get to the arena- it started at 8 and I'd forgotten my keys and it was a 30 minute drive and I was stressing. Before I left, all these Yr 12 girls (The year below me at high school) started playing what I vaguely think was the Last Post. It was something like, you're probs gonna die and we're sad about it. So I hugged a bunch of them.
Monday, 17 December 2012
I said hey... what's going on (sorry that's just in my head)
Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago...So, I've been hanging out with my bffl a bit more. Were funny, we go like 5 days without talking, though probably leaving random messages on Facebook( that's mostly me when I need to rage) and then we hang out heaps all in a row.
I was in your sights, you got me alone.
You found me- you found me- you found me....
Like, yesterday I was going to the beach and ended up at my cousins birthday party. Thankfully, though he's a year younger and went to a different school, I know a fair amount of his friends. Mostly girls who went to my school, plus one girl who was the older sister of a girl I coach, another from my netball team and her boyfriend. I don't strike up conversation easily, but this one girl Brittney, who I am the kind of friend who will stop and chat if I see her somewhere (mostly because she can talk my ear off, which makes me more comfortable), was there so I was fine. I got pretty burnt though. I reapplied a bunch of times but I'm really white so it doesn't matter. Any place I missed turned tomato red. it was like my decolletage mainly and the tops of my shoulders, so straps are painful today.
I texted my bffl to see if she was busy, but she was hanging out with family. Like, 5 hours later she called me and was like 'sorry, what you up to now?' so I went to hers, wrapped some presents for her little sister's teachers. She's autistic so she has lots of presents to be wrapped lol. Then we watched Bad Teacher, with Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. I mean, I figured it would be bad but it wasn't really. Just unremarkable. Then I had dinner at hers, which I do quite a bit, her mum is a great cook, then we made brownie cupcakes and watched Mr And Mrs Smith. Which was very good, I do like Angelina Jolie, I think she is a talented actor, for sure. I love her in lots of movies. So I ended up going home about midnight.
Then today we went shopping in Shellharbour which was fun. There is an End of the World party at her boyfriends place on Friday. She and two other girls are going as the Powerpuff Girls, cos the theme is come dressed as your favourite apocalyptic scenario (for example, zombies or aliens) or as a hero able to help fight off the end of the world.
My favourite Apocalypse stoppers is obviously Team Free Will- Dean, Sam and Cas from Supernatural. So I got some cargo shorts, a black tank top, and a sleeveless long jacket/coat thing in army green. I'll borrow combat boots from my cousin and hopefully some edgy jewellery type things and go as a hunter. I also need a gun (FAKE). We had one, but I think it got chucked out when we moved so I'll need to track one down. This is basically what I'll look like though. I don't know about hair yet. I might have cut it all off by then. I need to look like a badass. Which is hard because I'm like a My Little Pony when it comes to being badass.
So tomorrow is a party for my friend Viv. It's going to be a poker night/ card games, so I'm looking forward to it heaps. It'll be alcohol-y but only drinks like beer and cider, things to enjoy rather than get dumb with. I'm sure people will get drunk but slower. I don't like those things so I'll just drive/drive home and if I feel like doing stupid things like strip poker, I will. I'd rather make dumb decisions sober really.
Oh! And tomorrow, I'm going with Mum to her school, and I'm going to see my dogs and then hang out in her classroom with the kids. I'm good at that so I'll have a good time. I also got her to bring me home sequins and pins and styroform balls so I can start making my Christmas presents for my friends. They take ages and I'm doubtful of how good I can make them look but I think it's an effort-that-counts thing. Saves me money which is useful. I'd rather just buy the presents that I think people would actually like/use. I do love presents though (giving them as well as recieving) so I had great fun today being excited when I found something good. I got Mum a watch. It's cheap, I don't know if that will effect it but she said she wanted one and I found a nice one so fingers crossed she likes it. She's really easy to buy for. I got a multi gift for Sarah. I don't usually buy for her but she's at a difficult point in life so I got her a big mug, with hot chocolate powder and marshmellows included. Hopefully she likes it :) I got my best friend a mug too (I'm really into mugs right now I guess- but mainly because even if they aren't that exciting a present, they are useful. My friend Neeby got me onea few years ago and I use it any time I ever need a mug. For tea, or cooking or anything. It says 'still looking for Mr. Tall Dark and Immortal' so I get a chuckle each time too.) My best friends mug is a High School Musical one. She's lame, but she likes Zac Efron and she is soon to be the owner of a mug with his face on it. My cousin gets Marilyn Monroe on hers.
I still need gifts for my Dad and brother. Hmm... I think I'll just stick to my old tried and true method of DVD's for Tom. Dad is still a bother.
~~~
I just scrolled up and remember I had those lyrics up the tops because I was planning to talk about you know who but I don't really feel like it now so I'll be quick.
Bffl asked if I was over him, I said, mostly kinda yes, she was like, finally. She asked if I'd get with him if he was available and asked, I said yes. Which is a no brainer.
Also he told me this story and so did Brittney (the girl at my cousins party). He was walking with his girlfriend when Brittney and her best friend were driving and at the lights which were red. They recognised him and yelled out 'Hey Austin and Lucy!'. Because his girlfriend and I are so similar looking and because Austin and I used to be seen together a lot, they thought it was me. I shouldn't find satisfaction from that but I do.
I don't know if it was a hassle for him, or if it'd actually be like a mood ruiner, but yeah... I found it satisfying in that deeply mean and selfish way. Awkward reminders for him ftw.
Okay I'm done.
forgotten dreams
I've started forgetting more of my dreams. I don't know why, but it's worrying. Like, I have my long sagas, last night's was massive, and I kept it up all morning, even when I'd wake up for a few moments, check the time, find a new position, pull up my sheets, snuggle back into my pillow etc, it'd keep going once I dozed off again. I have weird dreams, this was quite threatening really, I remembering being trapped on this bus with people who were trying to make my life hell, and one burnt me with a lit cigarette, 3 distinct marks on my collarbone, but still, it's a dream, I am always keen to dream.
But I barely remember it.
I have ideas of what happened, some only half formed. Like, my brain knows so I know, but I can't describe it because if I think too hard on it, it's gone. I remember during breakfast thinking 'wait a sec, I had sex in this dream, didn't I? I swear I did." but I don't remember. Someone had sex and I think I was there but I swear it wasn't me. I don't even know. I remember all this other weird stuff, all this random backstory and characters who I haven't met but are instrumental to the plot. Except they always change, like it's you know who's girlfriend, then it's her with brown hair and she looks like someone else, then she's my cousin who is a few years older, then she just knows my cousin, then it isn't her at all.
So I can't even say 'the evil guy was so-and-so, because it only kind of was.
I know if I run the dream over once I wake up, it sticks around but I'm not used to having to do it so I forget. Like when I try to remember what position I wake up in (tummy, back, side etc) but I never remember. I'm still not sure. I fall asleep on stomach but who knows after that. Obviously not side, how can anyone do that, it's weird. Wouldn't your arm fall asleep? Unless it occurs to me at the time, I don't do it and I don't remember.
Anyway, night
But I barely remember it.
I have ideas of what happened, some only half formed. Like, my brain knows so I know, but I can't describe it because if I think too hard on it, it's gone. I remember during breakfast thinking 'wait a sec, I had sex in this dream, didn't I? I swear I did." but I don't remember. Someone had sex and I think I was there but I swear it wasn't me. I don't even know. I remember all this other weird stuff, all this random backstory and characters who I haven't met but are instrumental to the plot. Except they always change, like it's you know who's girlfriend, then it's her with brown hair and she looks like someone else, then she's my cousin who is a few years older, then she just knows my cousin, then it isn't her at all.
So I can't even say 'the evil guy was so-and-so, because it only kind of was.
I know if I run the dream over once I wake up, it sticks around but I'm not used to having to do it so I forget. Like when I try to remember what position I wake up in (tummy, back, side etc) but I never remember. I'm still not sure. I fall asleep on stomach but who knows after that. Obviously not side, how can anyone do that, it's weird. Wouldn't your arm fall asleep? Unless it occurs to me at the time, I don't do it and I don't remember.
Anyway, night
Friday, 14 December 2012
Brittana and bisexuality
Okay, Glee upsets me. A lot.
Brittana is my OTP (one true pairing). They began as these two backup chearleaders, the stereotypical blonde and brunette, stupid and bitchy. But the two actors, Naya Rivera and Heather Morris bcame best friends right away so in all the scenes they are in, they are messing around, being their two shot, hugging and holding hands and making faces at each other. Then in episode 13, after a minimal amount of lines, they are in a scene which is like a 6 way conversation, and Brittany, who is basically comic relief with the best one liners says 'Sex is not dating- if it were, Santana and I would be dating." Cue awkward silence, they look at each other, then shake it off and keep walking.
Watch this video and not ship them, I dare you.
This is all season 1 and the first half of two, before there was any focus on them and they got together. In a good TV show, you would expect that I would like it a lot more after they got together but you would be wrong. They got almost as much screen time, they're relationship isn't shat on every single episode, they destroy previous canon episode to episode, Brittany and Santana had not a single private conversation all of season 3- the season they were TOGETHER. It's the double standard of Glee, every conversation was in a public place, at school, at lockers, their first kiss came about 10 episodes after they got together, over 2 full seasons after they admitted to being friends with benefits (played for laughs every time - call the presses, the two pretty cheerleaders are having sex, hahaha hilarious). A season after admitting they were in love.
You know what happened lately on Glee. They broke up because of the difficulty of a long distance relationship- this hurt but I was okay, it happens, they still love each other, they are still best friends, once Brittany graduates this year, they will be together again, fine.
Then Brittany becomes friends with Sam. Very hot, cute, kinda stupid, show made 'they're both idiots! They understand each others stupidity!' connection. It was a cute friendship. If Glee had ever done a straight friendship before, I would have been fine but from the second they had a private, one on one conversation (more than Brittana got all last season!) it was over. Santana is a lesbian, Brittany is bi sexual. In one episode, she kissed Sam twice. The next episode, they got married, with more kissing.
That is Glee. In 2 episodes. Santana wasn't mentioned once.
Fuck you Glee. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I've been coherent until now but this hurts. This is fucking stabbing me like a knife through the fucking gut. I try to not care but this is Brittana. I never cared about a pair as much as I did these two.
Never ever, never fucking ever.
You have to understand what they meant to me. I'm bi sexual. Or bi curious, it doesn't matter. When Glee started, I was in Year 10. I was deep in teenage angst, freaked about religion and freaked because I thought I was very much in love with my very female best friend.
Brittana was always treated as a joke once it was picked up on as an actual couple due to fan pressure but back then, when it was this sweet, organic relationship, this steady best friends who love each other, that are always there for each other, that are physically intimate and hold pinkies and are girls and love each other in that girl way and know each others secrets and grew up together and are different but understand each other- I needed that.
I saw myself in Brittany and Santana and I saw that it was okay to feel that way.
I'm generally skeptical of that a-character-changed-my-life or seeing-that-character-on-the-screen-made-me-feel-normal but looking back, Brittana made me so much more comfortable with myself and loving this girl as I did.
My point of this story is that Brittana means something to me personally and Glee's propensity to shit all over it makes me rage. The disrespect they show their fanbase is alarming and I hate Glee writers, directors and producers with a burning passion. I want Glee to be cancelled, my fingers are crossed. I smile grimly every time I see the ratings continue to fall.
More vids for viewing pleasure.
Brittana is my OTP (one true pairing). They began as these two backup chearleaders, the stereotypical blonde and brunette, stupid and bitchy. But the two actors, Naya Rivera and Heather Morris bcame best friends right away so in all the scenes they are in, they are messing around, being their two shot, hugging and holding hands and making faces at each other. Then in episode 13, after a minimal amount of lines, they are in a scene which is like a 6 way conversation, and Brittany, who is basically comic relief with the best one liners says 'Sex is not dating- if it were, Santana and I would be dating." Cue awkward silence, they look at each other, then shake it off and keep walking.
This is all season 1 and the first half of two, before there was any focus on them and they got together. In a good TV show, you would expect that I would like it a lot more after they got together but you would be wrong. They got almost as much screen time, they're relationship isn't shat on every single episode, they destroy previous canon episode to episode, Brittany and Santana had not a single private conversation all of season 3- the season they were TOGETHER. It's the double standard of Glee, every conversation was in a public place, at school, at lockers, their first kiss came about 10 episodes after they got together, over 2 full seasons after they admitted to being friends with benefits (played for laughs every time - call the presses, the two pretty cheerleaders are having sex, hahaha hilarious). A season after admitting they were in love.
You know what happened lately on Glee. They broke up because of the difficulty of a long distance relationship- this hurt but I was okay, it happens, they still love each other, they are still best friends, once Brittany graduates this year, they will be together again, fine.
Then Brittany becomes friends with Sam. Very hot, cute, kinda stupid, show made 'they're both idiots! They understand each others stupidity!' connection. It was a cute friendship. If Glee had ever done a straight friendship before, I would have been fine but from the second they had a private, one on one conversation (more than Brittana got all last season!) it was over. Santana is a lesbian, Brittany is bi sexual. In one episode, she kissed Sam twice. The next episode, they got married, with more kissing.
That is Glee. In 2 episodes. Santana wasn't mentioned once.
Fuck you Glee. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I've been coherent until now but this hurts. This is fucking stabbing me like a knife through the fucking gut. I try to not care but this is Brittana. I never cared about a pair as much as I did these two.
Never ever, never fucking ever.
You have to understand what they meant to me. I'm bi sexual. Or bi curious, it doesn't matter. When Glee started, I was in Year 10. I was deep in teenage angst, freaked about religion and freaked because I thought I was very much in love with my very female best friend.
Brittana was always treated as a joke once it was picked up on as an actual couple due to fan pressure but back then, when it was this sweet, organic relationship, this steady best friends who love each other, that are always there for each other, that are physically intimate and hold pinkies and are girls and love each other in that girl way and know each others secrets and grew up together and are different but understand each other- I needed that.
I saw myself in Brittany and Santana and I saw that it was okay to feel that way.
I'm generally skeptical of that a-character-changed-my-life or seeing-that-character-on-the-screen-made-me-feel-normal but looking back, Brittana made me so much more comfortable with myself and loving this girl as I did.
My point of this story is that Brittana means something to me personally and Glee's propensity to shit all over it makes me rage. The disrespect they show their fanbase is alarming and I hate Glee writers, directors and producers with a burning passion. I want Glee to be cancelled, my fingers are crossed. I smile grimly every time I see the ratings continue to fall.
More vids for viewing pleasure.
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Camping
My reminiscing yesterday about the camping trip I took with my friend Sarah actually motivated me to find a DVD her Dad gave me with a bunch of video from the trip.
Now, in my family, we barely own a camera so I'm lucky to have a few ictures from each birthday. So seeing this stuff was exciting :)
I don't know how to put videos on my computer that were on DVD's, especially since my disc drive doesn't work.... so I took some pictures of the screen. It's crappy quality, who cares.
This was our campsite, all our fold up chairs around the fire. In the video, Sarah's Dad is saying 'Here comes sleeping beauty' so I think I just woke up from a nap lol.
I look so weird. Year Nine was an ugly year haha.
That's my ass. Lovely in pink as always. I'm only 14 there though, so no ogling.
Sarah and I canoeing :) At one of our school camps, I can't even remember which, but we all went kayaking and Sarah and I went together because we'd done it before and we were the fastest out of everyone.
Me reading smut and Sarah doing the crossword.
Us wrapping Sarah's little bro up in a hammock. Good times.
Us pushing the canoe we'd upturned back to shore. Totally exhausted.
Us being weirdos. Me flopping over.
And the best ones, Lucy and Sarah after the mudslide. And it was year nine, ignore the twelvie photo pose happening there. It was cool then!
Sarah and Lucy, friends 5eva. (Which is more than 4eva)
Now, in my family, we barely own a camera so I'm lucky to have a few ictures from each birthday. So seeing this stuff was exciting :)
I don't know how to put videos on my computer that were on DVD's, especially since my disc drive doesn't work.... so I took some pictures of the screen. It's crappy quality, who cares.
This was our campsite, all our fold up chairs around the fire. In the video, Sarah's Dad is saying 'Here comes sleeping beauty' so I think I just woke up from a nap lol.
So... you know who texted me asking if I wanted to go get that drink he promised me. At the Uni bar of all places, but I'll take it. I don't need to drink alcohol, I'll get get him to split nachos with me instead.
I don't feel weird about it in the sense of apprehension. We talk easily enough and it's been a long time, even if he doesn't talk much, I have lots to say.
I know what I'll wear, I know how not to put too much effort or thought into the fact that he took a teeny bit of initiative. I know not to care.
I don't follow that well. But I'll try.
This isn't anything weird- even with my overthinking I don't think that. I just know that even this time last year- after only a month since schoolies, by New Years he was asking me to meet up and we were emailing and texting. This year, when everything should be water under the bridge, we are actually more distant, and that is sad. So this is vital to us getting on track to being friendly this summer, which is what I want. I want to be able to text and say 'I'm going to the beach, want to come?' the way I can with lots of other friends, and just make casual, easy plans.
I know this isn't a big thing, but it may be a turning point. Fingers crossed.
----
Right, sometimes meeting you-know-who is a bad thing, it gives me more emotions, rather than less.
I'm not sure what which way I wanted to fall really... obviously one is healthy, one is not.
Luckily, I did well and realised that the reason I've been all fuck-you-so-what-I-love-him-who-cares-shut-up is just because I'm weird and I hadn't seen him for ages and I doubt myself. I don't care about other boys and I care about him so I turn that into I just love him and I am forever screwed.
Which isn't true. I may be a bit aromantic right now but that isn't the end of the world.
And so we met, we talked, we caught up. It wasn't butterflies. It was us but not... great us. Not best friends forever type friendship, just regular. It was weird because I had a lot to say, but when we were talking, I forgot most of it. Like, when someone asks you what you've been up to that week and you know that you've left the house every day and have been meeting friends but you can't think of anything to mention or remember.
But we talked about this and that. It's hard because I like to follow scripts, I can't help it, I want conversation to go a certain way but he always does it wrong and goes off script or interrupts me so we jump around a lot and I lose satisfaction on conversations that get brushed over before I've said what I meant to. I do it to though, I plan to say something but then it comes out skewy or I rush to change topics because I feel weird about what I said.
I bashed him up a bit for being an idiot about my birthday. He forgot I moved and lived on the bus route now so he could have come after all. Dumbass.
He probably won't have a birthday party this year. At least not an inclusive one with our group invited after last years which was awful for him. I can't really talk about this objectively but the way I saw it was that it went fine, from the perspective of everyone except for his girlfriend and him. Like, everyone else didn't notice anything was wrong, but some of the ragging on him that went on, blonde jokes, I don't know what else, upset his girlfriend to the point where she went home crying. I don't really get it because I can't really rewind to that night and focus on the stuff that I didn't pay attention to then. I do Psych, memory doesn't work like that, we only pay attention to a small fraction of details that we think are important and everything else gets chucked out immediately. So if we were disrespectful or salt-in-wounds, I didn't really see it or remember it. I spent that night focused on acting calm and happy, while respecting boundaries. But it did apparently suck and I remember he said some really questionable things to me later that night before I told him to stop because he was being a dumbass.
I was worried before... but now I'm not. I do want him to be a part of my life. I don't have many guys that I hang out with one on one. My ex having a girlfriend now, I don't know, I feel weird about hanging with him. I don't know if it has much to do with the cheating thing that I did with you-know-who, but I'm not used to having to censor myself around my ex. He knew how friendzoned he was and that was all that mattered then obviously, no third party. I didn't explain this well to you-know-who today when he asked me to invite my ex to join us, but basically I am trying really really hard to not overstep a single boundary with him, real or imagined. I don't like him obviously so it wouldn't be a big deal but I don't need any more blonde girlfriends that I'm not friends with to feel questionable around. Flirting with friends boyfriends is fine. I can check out my best friends boyfriends ass loudly and obviously- and I'll tell her about it. She knows I'm not interested in him, and he's focused solely on her. My bffl and I just do it cos its funny.
To conclude, everything went well today, shockingly platonic. As it should be. Like, I have this bunch of scroll through images in my head that run when I think about him in that way, but they don't mesh with what we have now. They're memories, not real life. And it's a significant difference.
I don't feel weird about it in the sense of apprehension. We talk easily enough and it's been a long time, even if he doesn't talk much, I have lots to say.
I know what I'll wear, I know how not to put too much effort or thought into the fact that he took a teeny bit of initiative. I know not to care.
I don't follow that well. But I'll try.
This isn't anything weird- even with my overthinking I don't think that. I just know that even this time last year- after only a month since schoolies, by New Years he was asking me to meet up and we were emailing and texting. This year, when everything should be water under the bridge, we are actually more distant, and that is sad. So this is vital to us getting on track to being friendly this summer, which is what I want. I want to be able to text and say 'I'm going to the beach, want to come?' the way I can with lots of other friends, and just make casual, easy plans.
I know this isn't a big thing, but it may be a turning point. Fingers crossed.
----
Right, sometimes meeting you-know-who is a bad thing, it gives me more emotions, rather than less.
I'm not sure what which way I wanted to fall really... obviously one is healthy, one is not.
Luckily, I did well and realised that the reason I've been all fuck-you-so-what-I-love-him-who-cares-shut-up is just because I'm weird and I hadn't seen him for ages and I doubt myself. I don't care about other boys and I care about him so I turn that into I just love him and I am forever screwed.
Which isn't true. I may be a bit aromantic right now but that isn't the end of the world.
And so we met, we talked, we caught up. It wasn't butterflies. It was us but not... great us. Not best friends forever type friendship, just regular. It was weird because I had a lot to say, but when we were talking, I forgot most of it. Like, when someone asks you what you've been up to that week and you know that you've left the house every day and have been meeting friends but you can't think of anything to mention or remember.
But we talked about this and that. It's hard because I like to follow scripts, I can't help it, I want conversation to go a certain way but he always does it wrong and goes off script or interrupts me so we jump around a lot and I lose satisfaction on conversations that get brushed over before I've said what I meant to. I do it to though, I plan to say something but then it comes out skewy or I rush to change topics because I feel weird about what I said.
I bashed him up a bit for being an idiot about my birthday. He forgot I moved and lived on the bus route now so he could have come after all. Dumbass.
He probably won't have a birthday party this year. At least not an inclusive one with our group invited after last years which was awful for him. I can't really talk about this objectively but the way I saw it was that it went fine, from the perspective of everyone except for his girlfriend and him. Like, everyone else didn't notice anything was wrong, but some of the ragging on him that went on, blonde jokes, I don't know what else, upset his girlfriend to the point where she went home crying. I don't really get it because I can't really rewind to that night and focus on the stuff that I didn't pay attention to then. I do Psych, memory doesn't work like that, we only pay attention to a small fraction of details that we think are important and everything else gets chucked out immediately. So if we were disrespectful or salt-in-wounds, I didn't really see it or remember it. I spent that night focused on acting calm and happy, while respecting boundaries. But it did apparently suck and I remember he said some really questionable things to me later that night before I told him to stop because he was being a dumbass.
I was worried before... but now I'm not. I do want him to be a part of my life. I don't have many guys that I hang out with one on one. My ex having a girlfriend now, I don't know, I feel weird about hanging with him. I don't know if it has much to do with the cheating thing that I did with you-know-who, but I'm not used to having to censor myself around my ex. He knew how friendzoned he was and that was all that mattered then obviously, no third party. I didn't explain this well to you-know-who today when he asked me to invite my ex to join us, but basically I am trying really really hard to not overstep a single boundary with him, real or imagined. I don't like him obviously so it wouldn't be a big deal but I don't need any more blonde girlfriends that I'm not friends with to feel questionable around. Flirting with friends boyfriends is fine. I can check out my best friends boyfriends ass loudly and obviously- and I'll tell her about it. She knows I'm not interested in him, and he's focused solely on her. My bffl and I just do it cos its funny.
To conclude, everything went well today, shockingly platonic. As it should be. Like, I have this bunch of scroll through images in my head that run when I think about him in that way, but they don't mesh with what we have now. They're memories, not real life. And it's a significant difference.
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Dolls
I don't know about most little girls, how much tea parties and all that other crap people do with their dolls is stereotypical, but let me tell you what my main plot lines with my dolls were. I had Kelly dolls, the little sister of Barbie. I had about 30 probably. Plus my dolls house, blankets, pillows, food, clothes, hair ties, props, books etc.
I gave up dolls when I was 12 or 13, (which isn't that weird/old, gimme a break. I was never ashamed of them, I showed them to my friends in Year 7 when they came round, if they judged, they did it quietly and they still hang around so there). Especially as I love to write, dolls were just a way of acting out these intense story lines, like a soap opera. Heaps of characters and relationships and dramatic things happening. All my dolls had names (usually after books I'd read or friends). I can't acually remember them all now, which makes me a little sad... I remember the first 3 I had were called Kate, Beth and Joanna, Kate because I always liked the name, Beth from Little Women, and Jo... also from Little Women, now that I think about it. Kate and Beth were 'twins' because they looked exactly the same with blonde plaits and blue eyes, just different clothes, and Joanna (Jo) was black. Beth was one of my favourites. Eventually, she got 'sick' when all her hair started to fall out and one of her arms snapped off. I think both of Kate's did in the end. I would have had them for 7 or 8 years, and those were the only two that lost limbs.Years later I remember getting the same set of 3 again and deciding they were cousins of the originals. There was also Mimi (my absolute favourite due to her double jointed arms and legs, which I never saw on any other Kelly doll ever), who was named for my best friend. I had 4 that were themed on the seasons, and dressed and named accordingly, Summer, Winter, Autumn, Spring. Sometimes I was original, sometimes not. I had Tomorrow when the War Begins names too, Ellie, Corrie, Robyn... and because I'm racist, my Chinese doll was named Cho. I'm just going through my favourite books now, scanning for girls names I stole.
The general story of my dolls was that they were on a deserted island of some kind, trapped there somehow. New dolls would generally 'wash up' and be confused and had to adjust and learn and make friends. It was a tough life, lots of volcanoes and natural disasters, diseases and harsh cold winters. Note the way that's what I like to read now. I'd also include very totalitarian governments, strict rules and girls scheming to overthrow the powerful. Also my favourite type of story. I'd always whump my favourites, they'd get a majority of the pain and suffering and comfort afterwards.
Seriously, I could even predict my kinks from some of the things I acted out with my dolls. I'd go into it but I'd rather keep my kink list off my blog in general haha. But just like the apocalypse genre, I am so damn specific that it is soooo hard to find things that are right. Thank God for fanfiction. Though it does weird me out to realise that my dolls predicted the weird mind fuck things that I love now, when it comes to turn ons, the best thing to do is just not lie to yourself and search the things you want. As long as it's not kids or animals, because that freaks me out due to the harmful nature of perpetuating those things. Other than that, I don't kink shame. Like, on kink memes where every third comment is 'I'm going to hell for this...' (maybe just the stuff I look up haha), people should just embrace the stuff they find hot.
...Back to dolls though.
I just read a really good post with great commentary on this image.
I believe that while girls toys such as dolls, are incredibly different to traditional boys toys, they still serve a useful purpose and should also be encouraged by parents and caregivers for children. Boys toys promote physical skills. The complexities of the toys are physical in nature. It's building and constructing things, creating. That's fine, it's good to learn and have fun with.
But a doll is not just a doll, the way this comic implies. A doll is socially complex. Dolls are about imagination. Because this play is largely invisible, it can't be measured or seen as a completed tower of blocks or a lego construction can be, it is seen as not complex and pointless. Which it is not.
People think that women are just better at communication and socialising as a result of genetics. Of our gender. That we relate and empathise and have a greater understanding of social situations than men because of it. It's true that in general we do- but it is not genetic and it is not born. This is a learned skill. This is my perspective as a nuture over nature feminist but there are studies that show that when adults think that a baby is a girl (ie wearing a dress/pink hat/ ribbons), they engage with the child with words, more language, singing etc, more touching, whereas when the same child is presumed to be male, the same people treat the child much more physically active way, engage with toys and play that way. In young kids, the brother might be greeted, 'Hey Tom, the boys are out in the yard kicking around a ball, go join them.' which the sister is greeted 'Hello darling, you look beautiful in that dress, how's school, come join me in the kitchen, you can help me serve these...." Maybe I overexaggerate a little but not much. People expect girls to talk more, are a lot more physically comfortable hugging/touching and girls are expected to be a lot more communicative. I'm not saying there isn't a genetic factor, but social counts for a lot.
Dolls are another way that girls are raised to be socially adept. My dolls had separate personalities, all of them, they fought and resolved conflict, they had emotions and cliques and roles in a group. They were a society. Sure, to look at it was just a messy bunch of little plastic dolls with great hair and identical features wearing cute dresses and shoes that I'd pick up and either murmur or silently move around, but no, to quote Harry Potter, just because it's all happening inside your head Harry, does not mean that it is not real.
I value dolls. When I have kids, I'll buy them dolls. And cars. Because both genders can like cars. And legos. And whatever crap is out in 10 years that parents buy for kids.
To conclude, dolls aren't useless and it's a sexist rhetoric to continue to say that they are. It undervalues the skills that it encourages. And while it may be true that some personality traits and preferences do tend to manifest more obviously in one gender or the other, society has a lot to answer for and we need to reduce the level of influence it has on how children form their personalities because society is sexist and just sucks in general.
Also, because I'm having fun, I looked up Kelly dolls on Google to see if I could find some of the ones I had. I found a whole bunch.
I loved this set. It came with a bed with a tooth on a spinning thing which if you turned a switch became a coin (it was under the pillow). It also had a pull out shelf under the bed with a sleeping bag in it so it slept two.
I had almost all of those sets above. See, the seasons ones? I loved Winter the most, though I eventually cut up her dress into a sleeveless summer dress. Summer's hair always annoyed me, and never came out of those curls, even when I took the elastic out.... Autumn was just always ugly, and my cousin introduced me to the term 'boobtube' with her dress, with the see through straps. And that set of sleepover ones, I had all of those, and they were great because they all came with pillows, blankets and pajamas. As well as cups, food, board games including Uno, DVD's with actual DVD's inside them. Only bad thing was their shoes, never stayed on well. And in that top photo, I had the top left, ballet dancer, I loved her, named her Katie. She was one of the babies of the group. I had the pink circus one, though I remember when I was a bit older, I used to have the girls wear her clothes as a punishment because they were 'babyish' and embarrassing. She eventually got tough though I think, that doll. Her name was Jenny. I also had the princess one, with the pink dress and the cone shaped hat called Lisa (I think). All of them had individual arcs and different relationships with each other that I always kept straight in my head and they grew and changed and evolved. Playing with dolls is serious business :)
Edit: I went down to storage to get my dolls out. I kept a lot of them, whether for my daughter one day or just memories but I got them all out and smiled. I remembered a lot more names. I named them so unoriginally, after the book series 'The Gymnasts', I had a Cindi, Lauren and a Jodi. I had a Lilo for the one with a grass skirt, I had a Elizabeth and Jessica (twins) Wakefield, after Sweet Valley High. Sara after a friend of mine named Sarah.
Here's a picture of all the dolls I still have. I don't know why I chucked the rest out, but this is most of them.
1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?
I'd be afraid to ask people what they don't like about me? Like, I know I have faults and I think I know what they are but knowing that other people know them too would suck. Like, I'm sure they do, but I'd rather not confirm it. I suppose it's the same as asking why people would like me/ what they think of me, I don't really want to know how people perceive me, in case it's bad.2. What’s something you hide about your personality?
Lots of things I suppose. FOr an example, maybe... how 'mean' or critical I can be. Judging is perhaps the right word. I always try to be politically correct and friendly and nice, of course, but when things bug me, they bug me. Teeny tiny example, my ex boyfriend used to always wear trackies and they just weren't flattering. And I would never say anything, I know I'd take it badly if someone critisised what I was wearing, and even as a girlfriend, it's not my place to give an opinion, but it still bugged me. I mentioned it to a friend of mine once and she just gave me a 'why does it matter?' look and yeah. I remember thinking about that later when I encouraged them to get together, she was a lot less judgmental then me, I thought they'd get along better.3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?
When I got told that I was a follower, that really got under my skin. I don't see myself that way and since I was told that, I'd tried to be more assertive. Like, if my best friend and I are leaving a lecture and we're equally far away from both doors, normally I'd just follow her. But then I started choosing myself. Or when I went to Retro the other week and went to the dance floor by myself without waiting for her. I see myself as more a second in command. I let other people do the talking but I think I can be pretty fierce and I'm generally knowledgeable/capable, more than a lot of girls.4. How do you deal with criticism?
Depends what it's talking about. Some things I take to heart, some things roll right off. But not well, in general.5. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
I love getting postcards and letters etc. I love the thought that someone has put that much effort in and wrote something and sent it. My best friend once made me a Hogwarts letter with my individualised details and a wax seal and gave it to me anonymously in the mail. She told me months later that it was her (in a 'thanks for being my friend, I appreciate you' card actually but it was exciting and sweet.6. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
I made friendship necklaces for my friend and I last Christmas and glue a picture of us inside the lockets?7. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
Give me a flower, like just grabbed from someone's garden on the walk to meet me and say 'saw this and thought you might like it'. That'd make my day.8. Describe your favourite texture.
When you put your hand it a bucket of seeds. Like sunflower seeds, it's such a delicious feeling.9. Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you?
I suppose the fires in 2001. (I think it was 2001). They were at Christmas so on Christmas night we were trying to get home but the roads were cut off at Bulli Pass, which leads up to the escarpment. We had to park the car in a paddock and just started walking from there. People that were on the other side of the cut off were picking up some people though, and because it was my Dad walking with a bunch of kids (me-7 I think), little brother (4), cousin (9), someone who ended up coincidentally being my Mum's cousin, picked us up and drove us home. You could see the fire in the escarpment from our house which was cool.10. Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance.
This was from my 18th birthday (selfie ftw). I suppose the beginning of my adult life is kinda significant :P)11. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?
There are so many but I think I'll have to go old school and say Hermione Granger. I never really understood the 'wanting to be represented in media' thing, but I'm white and even as a women I still don't get treated too badly, but looking back, having a character like Hermione who was smart and brave and had friends and had been an outcast, well, that meant something to me.12. Who would you say is your “anti” role model? Someone who serves as a warning rather than an inspiration?
I suppose my friend who is pregnant. Not to be mean but certainy it'll help remind people to be more cautious. I feel so bad for her right now though. Dealing with losing her best friend, relationship, her whole second family, as well as feeling so sick because of being pregnant and the knowledge that she's going to have a baby... it's so much to deal with. Plus no sex.13. What’s your least “politically correct” opinion?
Hmmm, I'm sure I have some. Hopefully feminism doesn't count as non politically correct. Sometimes I see the side of radical feminists, which I'm not always proud of because while they aren't evil, their views could be seen as transphobic. I read a really convincing argument about it today though and it does make sense, though I still think I lean more towards liberal feminism.14. What kind of underwear do you imagine Sherlock Holmes wears?
Briefs. Great, now I'm imagining Benedict Cumberbatch in his pants.15. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?
Getting over you-know-who is a challenge and a half.16. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
First- have my only element joke- what did the bartender say when Gold walked into the bar? AU! Ay, you... get it.... because AU is the symbol for Gold. Heh. I don't know... something fun. Like Neon or Calcium. Something in the first twenty, one of the ones you kind of remember but not super popular like Carbon or Helium.17. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?
Touches my hair!18. Which Disney Princess do you most identify with and why? Which is your favourite and why? And yes, ANYONE can answer this question.
Alice from Alice in Wonderland. She was adventurous and smart and had a cat and cried too much but she just took things as they came and was like 'okay let's give it a go'. Plus she was stubborn and daydreamed a lot.19. You’re an action movie hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
Hand to hand combat I think. I'd like to be an assassin, like the Black Widow. I'd like to be self sufficient like that. And "You have 5 seconds to live motherfucker..."20. What’s the silliest fan theory you’ve ever come up with?
I love meta but I'm not great at crack fan theories. I have friends that write like, all crack but it's just not my humour at all. I like the dark serious angst. I can't think of one :(21. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night?
How long until I have to wake up :) I don't really think before I sleep, I just do it.22. What’s the oddest term of endearment you’ve ever used or that someone’s used for you?
Pink ninja for awhile. That was silly but also kinda odd.23. What motivates you in life?
Food is good. Knowing that interesting things are going to happen, that I'm going to do something fun, see my friends, play sport...24. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?
Playing with my dolls. I have a whole entry written about this from yesterday but I haven't posted it yet. I used to love that though, I'd do it every day, but by Year 7 and 8 I grew out of it.25. How do you think you will fare when the zombie apocalypse arrives?
I think not too badly, it just depends on who I'm with. YOu know how I said I'm not a follower? I'm also not a first in command leader. I need someone to take at least equal weight in decisions and to be there with me.26. Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? And if you could be any mythological creature, which would you want to be? Why?
I was obsessed with fairies as a kid so I'd like to be a fairy. They are small, pretty, pink, sparkly and can fly. Nuff said.27. Write a brief story about an actual adventure you’ve had.
Okay, so in Year 9, a friend of mine Sarah invited me to go camping with her in the holidays. I'd never been camping before, it was lots of fun. We shared a tent and she told me she'd kissed a guy... I was so fascinated and grossed out. There was tongue. I guess this story is a bit sad now, considering she's now pregnant and he's left her but this is right after they got together,. We had lots of adventures. We went on a mudslide which was exactly what it sounds like but there wasn't that much rain so it wasn't the liquidy and got dirt mud scrapes all up our legs and bum. Sarah also lit a match after the gas had been left on and fried half her eyelashes and fringe, we went on these bush walks at night, screaming songs as we marched. Basically GOING ON A BUSH WALK! GOING ON A BUSH WALK! GONNA SEE A WOMBAT! GONNA SEE A WOMBAT! LUCY'S GOT A MACHETE! LUCY'S GOT A MACHETE! SARAH'S GOT A RIFLE! SARAH'S GOT A RIFLE! BEN'S GOT A SHOT GUN! BEN'S GOT A SHOT GUN! etc. I don't remember the rest but basically we disturbed the peace and had a great time doing it. There was also lots of campfires, and one of the ones in a campsite near ours had an entire hollow log vertical in their fire, so the flames would shoot out the top, it was awesome. We also went canoing and kayaking and I lost the charm bracelet my dad got me for my birthday. Sarah's dad taught me that fresh water is more dangerous than salt to swim in long distance because you can't float as well in fresh water so you can drown easier. I also remember reading erotica in the tent (the Lara series, by Beatice Small I think), which were the first smut books I ever read, my friend Lexy leant me the first one in year 7 and I borrowed the 2nd from Sarah at this camping trip. Don't think I ever gave it back, I still read it sometimes. I remember learning what a 4 wheel drive was and how it differs from a 2WD. I remember using a canoe oar to whack insects that buzzed in swarms on the day we were leaving and I remember hearing the song 'Story Of A Girl' for the first time on the radio. I remember Sarah's day playing the guitar and everyone singing along to Hotel California. I suppose this isn't really an adventure but it was fun to recount. It was 5 days and it was awesome. We would have been... 14?28. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.
Any time that I'm on the phone. Oh, okay, I thought of one. When I was in Year 7, I was dating this guy, Nathan. I wasn't mature enough for a boyfriend. I don't know if I am now. But anyway, we lived close together so we got the same bus, that was how we were friends, as well as being in the same class. But one time, he sat next to me. He was closest to the window and I had the aisle seat. I was facing away from him, maybe my legs were swinging towards the aisle, or I was just not looking at him. But he started playing with my hair, like stroking it. I have this really weird face, I smile weirdly and when I don't mean to. My best friend calls it my passive face, I make awkward mirco expressions the second I stop paying attention to my face. But I didn't know this at the time, but I was weird smiling so he didn't stop. I mean, I was thinking it but I didn't say anything to him, just kind of grinned and bared it. But it was super awkward. I broke up with him eventually.29. What’s something that scares you about the future?
That I'll hate my job, that I won't have a family. That I'll be unhappy and it won't live up to my expectations.30. List 5 quirky things about yourself.
I love flowers. Especially yellow ones.
I used to do long division at recess in primary school because I thought it was fun. And super satisfying.
I can't drink tap water unless it's been in the fridge. I know the fridge doesn't do anything except make it cool but tap water is dirty in my head unless it's from the jug in the fridge.
I love things that are high or fast or otherwise thrilling. Theme parks don't phase me at all. But I have a huge fear of jumping off rocks into water. I still do it, but that's conquering a fear, not just doing it for thrills like rollarcoasters etc.
5. I'm really competitive in board games and card games.
Lots of youth fiction, lots of computers, every piece of dystopian apocalyptic or post apocalyptic novel out there. Everything by John Marsden ever. Lots of comfy chairs. Fanfiction in book form. Lots of books on feminism. Hot male librarian.32. What’s the weirdest item you’ve ever mourned?
My Mum threw out my pack of Kingdom Hearts cards that came with Kingdom Hearts 356/2 days. I am still upset about this. The cards were barely usable, because the numbers weren't written that clearly. But they were perfect in any other way- I didn't want to use them, i just wanted to keep them forever. So I am forever bitter.33. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
It would just go so fast that you couldn't even scream. It would just go super high and fast and upside down. Or a ride that's simpler but that you do yourself, like the ROTAR at Luna Park where you get stuck to the wall and can wiggle your way upside down or that ride ta festivals and fetes where you pay ten bucks and you get in the harness on the tramponline and get to do flips. I could do more than anyone. I like going upside down.34. Do you have any “rules” about food?
Not really. I should but I can't stop myself most of the time.35. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I have lots of opinions (I'm judgemental remember) but in the end, I don't care unless the people involved are getting what they want out of it and are happy with the arrangement. I don't like it if someone is being manipulated or forced or coerced.36. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?
Damn it I can only think about sex things. Everything else I'm pretty open about. All my nerdy things I share! I'm going to have to break my no-kinks-shared-on-blog rule aren't I? No, that'd be weird. I'll think of something and come back.37. Describe a time/event in your life that you’re nostalgic for.
I liked all the times in my life, I'm probably romanticising them, but I love my life and pretty much all past parts. I don't remember any real dark patches. Probably the you-know-who times I'm nostalgic for, I miss talking to someone like that.38. How do you approach social situations?
Trepidation but an open mind :)39. What is your ideal bed? Why?
Something pretty. I only just got a double bed but it's pretty sweet. Except my bedding sucks. I had red sheets before and a white doona and I thought that was cool. It kind of gave a real paradoxical virgin/slut feel. Well that's what it reminded me of haha. So I need to find red sheets again.40. Post a short excerpt of your life.
Today I basically spent at home, talked for awhile to my friend Sarah about everything she's going through. Then went rock climbing like I do every Tuesday with 5 friends. I finally got this jump that I've been attempting for about 6 weeks. So it was a successful day :)Wow, I wrote way more than usual. Thanks friend for the list and the lovely formatting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)